How do you help my very negative 93-year-old mother with Alzheimer's and narcissistic tendencies settle in at Memory Care?
After much research in our area, my husband and I found a wonderful place that receives excellent reviews from friends and family. After being hospitalized and then in rehab, she agreed and we moved my Mom moved there in mid-December.
From the moment she walked into her room, beautifully decorated with her furniture, etc. she hated it and we had to leave because she was causing such disruption with crying and yelling that the nurses thought it would help, which it did.
The nurses and director say she has been doing well since after the first week, but she complains about not liking the place since she got there and tries to come up with reasons to move. She has a good day, but then the next she'll be in a tirade over it, mainly directed at me.
No visitors are allowed in Memory Care due to COVID, but she can to go to my home once a week, but I'm not sure if that is helping or hurting her adjustment.
I try to be patient and address her concerns, but it appears as if all or most are baseless. This is a person who has complained about her former apartment, the hospital, rehab, and now Memory Care. She wants to move after the yearly lease here is up, but she's doing well otherwise and is very well cared for.
Any suggestions about what to/not to say or do to help her adjust? Will she ever adjust, or should I prepare myself that this is the new normal?
Any suggestions? Should I just listen and not try to give her ideas or solutions? What do I say when she attacks me about "putting her there" when she agreed to go there? Thank you for any advice and I hope each of us caring for our loved one can find answers and a way to cope.
You already know Mother is a narcissist and negative. These traits don't ease up as people age or with dementia. Often the opposite happens... it amps up!
You are doing the best thing for her. Even if you waited on her 24/7 and gave her anything she wanted the minute she asked, she'd still complain. She has never been and never will be happy, and I think you know there's nothing you can do about that. You ARE being a good daughter to her, even if she insists you're not. There is nothing to feel guilty or regretful about this.
And NO, do not take her to your home for visits! This does way more harm than good... it may help ease your guilt feeling, but it will be detrimental to her. She needs routine and even a few hours break from that routine can put her in a mental tailspin for days. We had to stop taking my husband's grandma from Memory Care to get lunch. The 1.5 hours away made her even more disoriented when we brought her back.
You are doing the very best you can, and unfortunately there are just some people that will never be happy no matter what. So rest in the knowledge that mom is being well taken care of, and she will be just fine, regardless if she says otherwise. God bless you.
Yes, just listen. And tell her "I am so sorry you feel that way". And when she wants "answers" or for you to "do something" just tell her you just aren't a Ms. Fix-it, and while you are sorry for your own limitations, you are just riddled with them; just nothing you can do". She will likely them move to TELLING you what to do. Likely the answer there is "Oh, I am sorry, I couldn't possibly do that".
Not everything can be fixed. Not everything is a happy thing. Where we end, in memory care, is the point where they have pretty much taken everything from us. It is tough and sad and awful to see. But again, not everything can be fixed. I am so sorry for your grief. Just understand that grief is what you are feeling, not guilt. You aren't a felon. You are a daughter struggling to do your best.
You will find, as we ALL HAVE, that the less fuss you make over her comments, the more easily and probably quickly she will adjust, and conversely, the more you hover and sympathize with her, the more passionately and ornately she will perform.
My LO had been on an antidepressant when she entered, and an Angel Psychiatric Assistant who worked with her fine tuned her dosage. She took about 6 months to really become totally comfortable, and that’s probably longish.
In your situation I would definitely NOT take her out, and especially not to your home. If you feel you must, a ride around a lake or through a park?
Fewer shorter visits for now. When she starts to whine- “I love you dearly mom but I have to go feed the Iguana. I’ll be back in a day or two.” Then turn around and leave.
”.......putting her there......”? “I LOVE it here, Mom. I’m thinking seriously about moving here when I retire myself. No housework, lovely food, lots of nice people.....”. Then quickly tell her about something else, TV, politics, fashion, whatever. If she won’t stop, do the “I love you ......feed the iguana...”. AND LEAVE.
You are suffering MUCH MORE than SHE is. If you placed her out of your love and concern for her, and if she’s SAFE and WELL CARED for, be at Peace. You’ve done your job and done it lovingly.
The key is to cut DOWN your contact with mother until/unless she cuts down on her negativity & complaining. I always listen to my mother up to a point, then say "I have to go now mom, I'll speak to you at another time when you're in a better mood." Works a charm. Like magic, she's in a 'better mood' the next time we speak.
Taking your mother out of her new home once a week is a super bad idea. She won't want to go back to her new home & then you're The Bad Guy even MORE so than you were before you took her out of there for the day.
There is no reasoning with dementia. There is no self defense with dementia, for us, because they'll just keep repeating the same old accusations until they're blue in the face and we're wracked with guilt for no good reason. We didn't 'put' anybody anywhere. Disease came along to wreck EVERYONE'S life and to affect ALL OF US, and so, decisions were made together that would be best for all concerned.
When my mother accuses me of 'putting' her in the Memory Care, I give her about a 2 minute explanation of what REALLY happened to get her placed there, and then I move on. If she won't get off the subject, then I get OFF the phone or end the window visit.
These women don't want 'solutions', they just want to complain and make US feel like Bad Daughters. That only works when they have a willing audience. We're suffering here too, that's the bottom line. Nobody escapes the heartache and headache of dementia. OUR feelings matter too, and so does the quality of OUR lives.
The reality is, our mother's are FINE where they're at, they're well cared for, fed, and entertained every day as well. They have bright, clean, beautiful suites that look more like hotel rooms than 'facilities' and that's it. We have nothing to feel guilty about and they have minimal things to complain about. But, as long as they have a captive audience, they'll continue doing it until WE are so stressed out, WE will need rehab OURSELVES.
Wise up.
Good luck!
She needs to get used to the routine in MC.
If she goes into a tirade on the phone say.."mom I have to go now" and hang up. If you are there and she goes into a tirade say.."mom I have to go now" and then tell her good bye and leave. No further discussion.
She says she wants to leave after her lease is up. Tell her that you will talk about that in a year.
It has been a week. Let her settle in and get used to things.
But do not give in. Do not bring her home for a visit. Do not argue with her.
The same worked for my mother. She didn't throw a fit like your mother did, but she was already suffering from having lost my dad just a couple of weeks earlier. I moved her in, told her we were always going to be there for her, then stepped back a bit to let the nursing home personnel welcome her into their community. It worked well, but since she was living only about a mile from her house, I picked her up and brought her to the house where we'd have dinner once a week.
BIG mistake.
She was distraught every time I had to take her back to the nursing home, and I eventually realized that her house was what was "home," and the nursing home was the "away" place. We had to shift that thinking, so the trips to the house had to stop. Instead, we brought dinner to her place and had it there at "her house."
Your mom is just having a tough time settling in, but she will settle in. Take your cues from the staff at the nursing home. They won't flat-out tell you what to do unless you ask for their opinion, so do ask. Be a listening ear to your mom -- she scared, and like any dementia patient, doesn't do change well. Add to it a recent stay in two other strange places (hospital and rehab), and there's no wonder she's distraught. My mental cognizance is fine, and I'D be distraught.
Just try to cut her some slack. I always feel bad for these parents who are described as being narcissistic, because I think they're more likely terrified than anything. Getting old stinks, and it's terrifying even when you're in decent health. The fears grow exponentially when your brain isn't working well and your health starts declining. Just try to be kind, supportive, and reassuring. You aren't required to fix everything she thinks needs to be fixed, because you have fixed things by putting her in a place where she'll be safe and cared for. She'll come around eventually.
Rather than try to accept her new home, trying reminiscing when you meet her. Bring up things that you remember. Ask about her childhood. Do you have any photo albums you could go thru? She will eventually adapt and you will feel better about both her life and yours.