I’m #4 out 5 siblings & the only one caring for my mom of only 65 yrs. I’m in my late 30’s, no kids yet (2 miscarriages in the last 2 yrs). She has undiagnosed dementia or Parkinson’s dementia. We are waiting for the full evaluation (after 1 1/2 of doctor visits for irregular behavior which started suddenly on 10/7/23). The change was so drastic that I had to take a leave from work for 8 months & provided 24/7 care.
Learned all her medical things, took care of home, bills, installed a camera in the living room and her room after she fainted while I was away and the fire department had to break our door down to get in. This has caused a financial toll and I’m finding it hard to recover. After 9 months of me alone… I finally was able to get 24/7 care at home (I would never put her in a home and I promised her I wouldn’t). I went back to work as much as I could but I lost 2 jobs in the process (had 4) of taking the time off.
Financially, I have no more resources to pull from. Our relationship was good with a few bumps, but lately I can’t help but feel so angry all the time. She blames me for infringing on her freedom, she wants a companion - like I have, keeping locked in a cage, and watched all the time, because she has aides that stay with her in the home and I’ve had to install cameras in the house. I tell her to go out, but then she states she has no money, that I don’t give her money. Ha! From where?!!!
I want her to go to senior centers and she refuses. I want her to meet people and maybe find a man but nope. She blamed me for all her admirers “ghosting” her. When she misses doc appts, I tend to talk loudly and ask her why? She states she either wasn’t in the mood, feels sick with #3, or feels weak. This causes me to lose it… it’s hard to get doct appts and usually they are far, so when one is lost it hurts my soul. I’ve spent hours calling and tracking down places to be able to get a spot, for her to just “lose it”.
My mother thinks I hate her (not true, I love her so much), I hate her disease. And she mentions she wants to move out and leave me (it’s her apt). I have asked one sibling to move in and they said no, the others have “their lives too.” So I feel trapped. I want to help. You have no idea how much it hurts to be able to help in everything but I can’t. I feel horrible for wanting to disappear and leave her to the whims of my siblings and the system.
My mother is a good person who’s had a horrible upbringing herself. Can’t help but miss the person she was and feel grief for “losing” her. I feel my life is being sucked dry by this and I can’t get anything right anymore. I don’t know what to do?
Why so long to diagnosis?
Since she's already receiving in-home help, can she get more, to allow you to change your role to visiting support?
The more care she has, the less you'll need to be on duty, being distracted away from your work. The more care she has - is she eligible for Medicaid, to receive nursing home level care at home? - the more you're free to explore career options & learning possibilities (Google has certificate courses that can place you in a well-paying job within a year)
Consigning her to the care of others is a valid way of taking care of Mom.
Doctors didn’t believe me when I brought her in for evaluations. They also stated they can only treat one issue at a time, she also have a very large DVT on her leg and that took priority always.
it wasn’t until recently, that she was finally seen by neuro. So, it’s been a work in progress. I am working to distance myself more and more from being her caregiver and into the “visiting role” thanks to my job.
thank you.
Meanwhile, you need to rebuild your own life. You deserve it.
1 - Have mom evaluated by a medical doctor - to evaluate for medical conditions that could be causing her problems... and get treatment.
2 - Have mom evaluated by a neurologist - to evaluate for cognitive problems like dementia. Different types of dementia have different treatments.
3 - If no neuro or medical problems, have mom evaluated by a psychiatrist for mental health issues.
Schedule these appointments for times when you can be with her. Take a list of questions. Write down whatever answers you get.
You may wish to care for your mom at home, but her care may require more help than you can provide - physically or financially. Ask the doctors about what help she may qualify for - home health, skilled nursing facility... Accept that the best care you can provide is making sure your mom is well cared for, even if that means care from others,
At your age (or, perhaps a bit younger) I also would have been unwilling to put my mum in a care home. I would also have placed undue weight to a promise made, even though it wasn't a sensible one to make.
Fast forward 20 years and I wanted to place my mum in care because I felt that was the best place to have her needs met. Her husband still thinks with his emotions and he had the final say, so I had to fight to ensure Mum had comfort and peace in her last days.
Also, I now realise that it's wrong to throw our own lives onto the bonfire of our parents' lives. They've had their lives.
Now, it's time for you to live your life and be part of the world. You need to work, have experiences, relationships - all the things that enable you to grow old and have a good life along the way.
You can't do any of this while you're an unappreciated carer, 24/7.
Your relationship with your mum will continue to deteriorate, as her condition deteriorates. You may as well let her be angry with you while you live your life, as opposed to being angry with you while you live for her.
Mom could be in a facility where she gets kind care from professionals who know how to deal with her issues. Instead you want help from siblings (not gonna happen).
Rethink it. Look at some care facilities. Stop expecting siblings to help. Realize that you’ve bitten off more than you can chew and are choking on it. Then act accordingly, putting yourself first. Like your siblings, you have a life to live, and it’s okay to live it.
You don't mention a husband, so I hope and pray that you're not trying to bring a baby into this world when it doesn't sound like you have a job or your own place to live.
Instead you need to move out of your moms house or apartment, get a job and KEEP it, and start saving for your own future.
Your mom will have to figure things out on her own or with the help of one of your other siblings. And if they don't step up to help you can always call APS and report your mom, and let them take things from there.
You say you think that your mom has some form of dementia, yet you also say that you want her to "find a man." What man in their right mind would want to date or be with a woman who has dementia and has no money?
I hope you're not allowing your mom to drive with her broken brain, as that is no different than someone driving drunk or high on drugs.
Your mom IS NOT your responsibility nor is she any of your siblings responsibility.
What is your responsibility is getting and keeping your life on track, and being a productive citizen. If your mom was in her right mind she would want that for you as well.
It sounds almost like you have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with your mom and at your age that isn't good for you or her.
So I hope you'll take the necessary steps to get your life back on track and move out, and let the chips fall where they may with your mom.
Everyone seeks companionship and that’s not a crime. It’s human nature.
Obviously, healthy, mentally capable men are not seeking unstable and dementia people for relationships. She doesn’t drive either.
We’re law abiding productive citizens too.
You’re right on one thing, we do have a codependent relationship. I see that more and more now.
I am looking to move out soon.
take care.
I have a 401k and health insurance. As of today, I’m seeing a therapist too.
67 but thats 100%. You can start collecting at 62 and after, you just get a lower %. She should be on Medicare at 65. If she has no income maybe Medicaid for healthcare.