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I’m #4 out 5 siblings & the only one caring for my mom of only 65 yrs. I’m in my late 30’s, no kids yet (2 miscarriages in the last 2 yrs). She has undiagnosed dementia or Parkinson’s dementia. We are waiting for the full evaluation (after 1 1/2 of doctor visits for irregular behavior which started suddenly on 10/7/23). The change was so drastic that I had to take a leave from work for 8 months & provided 24/7 care.


Learned all her medical things, took care of home, bills, installed a camera in the living room and her room after she fainted while I was away and the fire department had to break our door down to get in. This has caused a financial toll and I’m finding it hard to recover. After 9 months of me alone… I finally was able to get 24/7 care at home (I would never put her in a home and I promised her I wouldn’t). I went back to work as much as I could but I lost 2 jobs in the process (had 4) of taking the time off.


Financially, I have no more resources to pull from. Our relationship was good with a few bumps, but lately I can’t help but feel so angry all the time. She blames me for infringing on her freedom, she wants a companion - like I have, keeping locked in a cage, and watched all the time, because she has aides that stay with her in the home and I’ve had to install cameras in the house. I tell her to go out, but then she states she has no money, that I don’t give her money. Ha! From where?!!!


I want her to go to senior centers and she refuses. I want her to meet people and maybe find a man but nope. She blamed me for all her admirers “ghosting” her. When she misses doc appts, I tend to talk loudly and ask her why? She states she either wasn’t in the mood, feels sick with #3, or feels weak. This causes me to lose it… it’s hard to get doct appts and usually they are far, so when one is lost it hurts my soul. I’ve spent hours calling and tracking down places to be able to get a spot, for her to just “lose it”.


My mother thinks I hate her (not true, I love her so much), I hate her disease. And she mentions she wants to move out and leave me (it’s her apt). I have asked one sibling to move in and they said no, the others have “their lives too.” So I feel trapped. I want to help. You have no idea how much it hurts to be able to help in everything but I can’t. I feel horrible for wanting to disappear and leave her to the whims of my siblings and the system.


My mother is a good person who’s had a horrible upbringing herself. Can’t help but miss the person she was and feel grief for “losing” her. I feel my life is being sucked dry by this and I can’t get anything right anymore. I don’t know what to do?

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I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with the disease in this way. My mom is 61 and diagnosed (sorta) with FTD but her muscles tend to spasm quite often and with reading I’m not totally sure if that’s the dementia she has. Her decline was so fast. If I could give you any advice, it would to be to remind yourself that it’s not her it’s the diseases. It’s also not you, it’s the disease. I’ve been my moms caregiver since she called me in 2018 frantic because she forgot the way to get home on a route she’s driven dozens of times. By the time a doctor actually said it was dementia, she didn’t even understand what was going on (about 2021) I too quit my job to take care of her full time and had a son the same year(2020). I have a sibling, she has siblings but it’s only been me and she hasnt recognized me since 2021. Financially I went to social security with her as soon as it began to be more evident that she has neurological issues and then applied for Medicaid and Medicare as well as became her POA and MPOA .Through her insurance I was able to get a waiver to get paid to be her caregiver. Where we are with the disease I can say I would not recommend taking on this role. Isolation happens not just to her but to you too. You look at family and friends different because everyone feels so bad for her and tells you you’re doing such a good thing but they aren’t physically there. Your feelings are common, please remember to take care of yourself too and that she can’t control it. I started speaking with a therapist but it more helpful to read forums like these to remind me not to be so hard on myself or my mom. I also learned that they may be able to sense a caregivers frustration. My mom can’t express herself with words any longer. She screams and hits (even if nothing is there)I have been trying to decide how to go about the next steps which are primarily to keep her safe and secondly not cause anymore trauma for her grand children and that’s thinking about memory care. Just know you aren’t alone, you are doing the best you can and if she could control her thoughts and emotions, she wouldn’t say those things to you. Praying for you both, I wish I could say it gets easier.
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Reply to Rahdeshal
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You lose the anger when you come up with a more sustainable way of caring for your mom.
Why so long to diagnosis?
Since she's already receiving in-home help, can she get more, to allow you to change your role to visiting support?
The more care she has, the less you'll need to be on duty, being distracted away from your work. The more care she has - is she eligible for Medicaid, to receive nursing home level care at home? - the more you're free to explore career options & learning possibilities (Google has certificate courses that can place you in a well-paying job within a year)

Consigning her to the care of others is a valid way of taking care of Mom.
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Reply to ravensdottir
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Mirage 1 hour ago
Has home care now 24/7.

Doctors didn’t believe me when I brought her in for evaluations. They also stated they can only treat one issue at a time, she also have a very large DVT on her leg and that took priority always.

it wasn’t until recently, that she was finally seen by neuro. So, it’s been a work in progress. I am working to distance myself more and more from being her caregiver and into the “visiting role” thanks to my job.

thank you.
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As much as you've had good intentions and sacrificed a lot, you are no longer do your mother any good. She is angry with you, doesn't appreciate what you've done and what you're doing, wants a companion other than you, and wants to leave the apartment she shares with you. So how does your promise not to put her in a home benefit her?

Meanwhile, you need to rebuild your own life. You deserve it.
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Reply to MG8522
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From a medical perspective:
1 - Have mom evaluated by a medical doctor - to evaluate for medical conditions that could be causing her problems... and get treatment.
2 - Have mom evaluated by a neurologist - to evaluate for cognitive problems like dementia. Different types of dementia have different treatments.
3 - If no neuro or medical problems, have mom evaluated by a psychiatrist for mental health issues.

Schedule these appointments for times when you can be with her. Take a list of questions. Write down whatever answers you get.

You may wish to care for your mom at home, but her care may require more help than you can provide - physically or financially. Ask the doctors about what help she may qualify for - home health, skilled nursing facility... Accept that the best care you can provide is making sure your mom is well cared for, even if that means care from others,
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Mirage 1 hour ago
Thank you. Currently working on this list.
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You're young and you are still acting out of emotion, rather than reasoning.
At your age (or, perhaps a bit younger) I also would have been unwilling to put my mum in a care home. I would also have placed undue weight to a promise made, even though it wasn't a sensible one to make.
Fast forward 20 years and I wanted to place my mum in care because I felt that was the best place to have her needs met. Her husband still thinks with his emotions and he had the final say, so I had to fight to ensure Mum had comfort and peace in her last days.
Also, I now realise that it's wrong to throw our own lives onto the bonfire of our parents' lives. They've had their lives.

Now, it's time for you to live your life and be part of the world. You need to work, have experiences, relationships - all the things that enable you to grow old and have a good life along the way.

You can't do any of this while you're an unappreciated carer, 24/7.

Your relationship with your mum will continue to deteriorate, as her condition deteriorates. You may as well let her be angry with you while you live your life, as opposed to being angry with you while you live for her.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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Mirage 1 hour ago
Thank you for the advice. I truly appreciate it.
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By being unreasonable and not “putting” her in a “home,” you got to the situation you’re in now. Unless you change your mind about that, you’re doomed to keep trudging the same path. You face more financial problems, mental health issues, exhaustion and more.

Mom could be in a facility where she gets kind care from professionals who know how to deal with her issues. Instead you want help from siblings (not gonna happen).

Rethink it. Look at some care facilities. Stop expecting siblings to help. Realize that you’ve bitten off more than you can chew and are choking on it. Then act accordingly, putting yourself first. Like your siblings, you have a life to live, and it’s okay to live it.
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Reply to Fawnby
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You are NOT doing your mom or yourself any favors by continuing to live with her and giving up your life and livelihood. And the stress of it all certainly can't be good for you if you're trying to have a baby, thus why you've had a few miscarriages.
You don't mention a husband, so I hope and pray that you're not trying to bring a baby into this world when it doesn't sound like you have a job or your own place to live.
Instead you need to move out of your moms house or apartment, get a job and KEEP it, and start saving for your own future.
Your mom will have to figure things out on her own or with the help of one of your other siblings. And if they don't step up to help you can always call APS and report your mom, and let them take things from there.
You say you think that your mom has some form of dementia, yet you also say that you want her to "find a man." What man in their right mind would want to date or be with a woman who has dementia and has no money?
I hope you're not allowing your mom to drive with her broken brain, as that is no different than someone driving drunk or high on drugs.
Your mom IS NOT your responsibility nor is she any of your siblings responsibility.
What is your responsibility is getting and keeping your life on track, and being a productive citizen. If your mom was in her right mind she would want that for you as well.
It sounds almost like you have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with your mom and at your age that isn't good for you or her.
So I hope you'll take the necessary steps to get your life back on track and move out, and let the chips fall where they may with your mom.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Mirage 1 hour ago
I’m in a loving relationship of several years. Brining a child into this world was never the issue here, but thank you for your concern. I am employed by a big company. However, I’m still considered new after several years and don’t make as much yet, hence why I supplemented with additional employment.

Everyone seeks companionship and that’s not a crime. It’s human nature.
Obviously, healthy, mentally capable men are not seeking unstable and dementia people for relationships. She doesn’t drive either.

We’re law abiding productive citizens too.

You’re right on one thing, we do have a codependent relationship. I see that more and more now.

I am looking to move out soon.


take care.
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Why are you against placing her? It is an unreasonable thing to promise a parent.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Mirage 1 hour ago
She made me promise. It’s her wish to never be placed in a home. She is still capable of some decisions.
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Do you currently have a job and are paying into your 401k so that you have savings for when you retire? And you have good health insurance? And you have worked 10 years so you can get social security when you retire?
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Mirage 1 hour ago
Yes, I have a career. However, while taking time off, it doesn’t pay much. I had 3 jobs to supplement that career since it’s new and seniority based.
I have a 401k and health insurance. As of today, I’m seeing a therapist too.
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Since you don't want to place her, I really don't have any ideas. She should have Social Security. Yes, SS saysv7
67 but thats 100%. You can start collecting at 62 and after, you just get a lower %. She should be on Medicare at 65. If she has no income maybe Medicaid for healthcare.
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Mirage 1 hour ago
She does collect but it’s not enough.
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