Follow
Share

Both my mom and step father have Alzheimer’s. My mom has Parkinson’s and mild Alzheimer’s while my stepdad has moderate to severe Alzheimer’s. Though both need full time around the clock care, my mother is okay enough at this time to stay with me. However, my stepdad isn’t, he barely remembers who we are, where he is, and has terrible sundowners as well as awful sleep habits. The biggest issue is his wandering around, agitation, and not leaving my mom alone! There are nights, days etc. that literally he might as well tie her down. Unintentionally, he’s smothering her and has actually left a few bruises.
Some days he appears like he remembers everything, but it’s everything from 20 years ago and he harasses my mom to get things so he can get crews out working! They owned a business for 30 years. Everyone says it’s time for memory care for him, but unless he physically hurts her again I can’t bear going against moms wishes not to put him in MC
Background - I am both their POA’s and have been in VA taking care of them with my sister around the clock.
Please help, any suggestions welcome. 🙏

Find Care & Housing
I would place your Mom and Dad in care and in care together. To me it is the best solution. This is not sustainable to 24/7 one on one care. This requires shifts full of folks to manage and manipulate around for best situation it can be (and it is never going to be perfect again).
I would place both as you are POA. As most of these MC and Nursing Homes are two to a room they would be "roommates" but still have common areas to get away from one another. I don't know their assets, and MC can be expensive, but I don't really see how family can take this on knowing it will not get better, but instead will become exponentially worse.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
Debsturr Oct 3, 2024
I love this and considered it! But my mother won't go in with him, she still as I'm typing and talking to her thinks they can take care of each other. "They're not senile yet." her words..
(2)
Report
Don’t wait until Mom gets hurt to place step dad . It’s time now .
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to waytomisery
Report
AlvaDeer Oct 3, 2024
But your mom isn't really in condition to make good decisions, is she Deb?
Or IS she? Because you are POA and if she is making decisions that endanger self or others (her hubby), then she needs not to be allowed to do that.
AT some point it just doesn't matter what we want. SADLY. So very sadly. I say that as an 82 year old.
(0)
Report
I love this and considered it! But my mother won't go in with him, she still as I'm typing and talking to her thinks they can take care of each other. "They're not senile yet." her words..
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Debsturr
Report

Debsturr, welcome to the forum. When you get a chance please fill out your Profile page, this will help if you have other questions, you wouldn't need to keep re-writing the back story, we can read it on your Profile page :)


I remember back when my Dad has sundowning, he would climb into his time machine and transport back to the 1940's when he and my late Mom were first married, and he was working. It made for interesting conversations.


As for getting our parents into senior living, usually we have to wait until there is an illness or a fall. Call to 911, hospitalization, then rehab, then into senior living facility, then excuses why they can't come back home, etc.


Please keep us up-to-date with their decision, or if you have any questions.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to freqflyer
Report

She’s jerking you around. Tell her he’s going whether she goes or not. Make it clear that she has a choice. If she really wants to be with him, she’ll go.

He’s an abuser and she’s his victim! At least you’d be giving her an out.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

There were times with my dad, in different circumstances, where we really had to force his hand for his own good. We acted like we had far more control and power than we really did and told him his options from two choices, neither of which to his liking, but both for his good and safety. To our surprise, he complied to direct, basically demands, being told there was no choice. I think this is where you are. Your mom isn’t safe in this as is. Her hand needs to be forced. Though it feels disrespectful and overbearing, it’s for her safety and ongoing health. It’s surprising what we learn to bear in all this. Wishing you peace
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

Good for Mom!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to cover9339
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter