My mother-in-law has advanced Alzheimers. My father-in-law has been taking care of her with help from a daytime caregiver. Now he is starting to slip, too, but he won't admit it and refuses to consider assisted living at all for them. He has already fallen twice. He is not taking care of her like she needs to be taken care of. He's not taking care of himself like he needs to be taken care of. The daytime caregiver is worthless - she just sits and watches TV with them and doesn't do anything, but he likes her and won't let us replace her with someone else. Not sure what to do at this point other than let time roll and deal with the aftermath. Suggestions?
Don't beat yourselves up. Elders have the right to make their own poor decisions and even the most loving family often cannot get the help needed put in place over the objections of an elderly parent.
If you think your MILs health is being neglected, call the local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a "needs assessment". Sometimes, not always, an elder will listen to an "authority".
Regardless of why the FIL is not able or willing to take proper care of MIL, if I were the adult son, I suppose that's your DH, I'd seek legal advice from an Elder Law attorney to get the legal options. They can explain the process, what evidence is needed, costs, etc. so, you'll know what it required. And, if the situation is really dire, you could report it to APS for them to investigate.
Has the dayworker stressed concern about the MIL's care by FIL? If she's worried, I wouldn't just wait it out, because MIL having dementia prevents her from looking out for herself.
there is NOTHING you can do to force care on a parent. I contacted all the county agencies and was told “unless your father agrees to want the services, we can’t force him to accept the help.”
so we waited for the “big fall”.... and it was bad. He couldn’t stand or walk after wedging himself under the toilet tank between the sink and bowl for at least 8 hours. He ended up in the hospital, where we had plenty to tell the doctors. They medicated him, detoxed him, and deemed him “unable to live alone.” It was a blessing but also a curse. The problems didn’t go away, they just moved closer to me where I could keep an eye on them.
its still a journey ..... but it’s the best situation for now. Good luck!
Grand FIL was struggling with staff trying to place him in restraints so he wouldn't leave, he had a massive coronary.
Grandfather died of a stroke the first night.
On answer mentioned Alcohol Abuse, you will not get him to accept care that keeps him from the booze, even though it IS killing him! Better bet might be an Assisted Living Apartment Complex, with additional services provided for support and safety. They might water down booze, or pour off a little bit into an old bottle throughout the day.
Remember studden Alcohol Withdrawal can be fatal!
Whenever my Mom was hospitalized, I called night staff RN and told he Mom was "a daily drinker who had sudden uncontrollable drops in BP 24-72 hours after previous admissions. Both parents in denial! Doctors need this information to treat her properly.
Hospital staff appreciate this. IF they site HIPPA, then start with, " In case you might happen to have a patient Name, Birthday, etc., Then their Doctors & staff need to know..."
They may not confirm LO is in hospital, but HIPPA does Not prevent them from receiving information!!!
Also, asking the front desk for nurses station for patient ___ , then ask if RN for patient ____ is available. Then Provide the critical information to them. Don't ask for Confirmation, unless you do so in person and are already over the HIPPA hurdle.