How to respond to MIL with dementia when she says she made the worst mistake of her life by coming to live with us?
So, I've been posting for the last couple of years about my 90-year-old MIL with dementia who moved in with us from France. She has been living with us for 3 1/2 years - we have bent over backwards to make her comfortable and cater to her every need. We got her a subscription to French TV, make sure her every meal is more than ultra cooked, cut in small pieces, and skinless (she has no teeth), listen to her stories and smile even though we have heard the same ones dozens of times. We have not been able to take much time away due to the difficulty of finding a caregiver who speaks French.
She has multiple health problems - macular degeneration, aortic stenosis, hearing loss, terrible eczema, and most recently fractured neck. She still smokes like a sailor; while she can light up a cigarette with the most incredible dexterity, for the life of me, I can't figure out why she can't put cream on her arms and legs. So my husband puts cream on in the evenings.
My husband is an only son. His mom sits in the front seat when the three of us are in the car. The difficult part for me is that I feel this tremendous tug and pull of her wanting to be the woman of the house; she has a tendency to weigh in on every household matter and is very controlling. I have become much better at asserting my role, but it's been a struggle - French MIL's, and add to that old school marms, are notorious for being rigid and tough creatures.
We are also dealing with our own health issues as well as providing financial and emotional support for our two 20-something adult kids, so are doing double duty.
Anyway, my husband was exhausted today after a long day of work and she kept coming to our room to talk about her taxes. There was no rush in the matter. so he told her he was tired and that everything was under control. She does not process so kept harping on the same points. I know with her dementia, it's hard to retain info.
But MIL stormed off saying that it was the worse mistake she ever made coming here, as she has done dozens of times. This seems to be her go to response when she does not get the attention she feels she deserves.
Five years ago, when they started the immigration process, she really wanted to come. She was emaciated when she came here (she was living on her own and not eating) and has put on 25 pounds since moving to our home. She has more social contact here. And she more often than not has us as captive audience to wait on her hand and foot. With little gratitude.
I generally just let these comments pass but there are times like tonight that I wanted to respond. But I didn't. It makes me feel so resentful and angry especially given all the sacrifices we have made. I feel like we have completely reorganized our lives for MIL and are tethered to her on so many levels.
In my dreams, I would say, " Fine, how about if we get you on the first plane back to France if you want to go back so much." I know, many of you have said in the past, just ship her back, but the truth is that she can no longer fly because of her heart condition. So we are stuck.
It's Valentine's Day and all I can think is how worn out I feel and how MIL has invaded our lives. And I just want to say something that makes me feel comforted when she has a hissy fit, even though I know the communication will likely fail to have any meaningful impact. I'm wondering what would you say or do if you were in my shoes?
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I went through this with my MIL and SIL's and they were vicious. Came to find out my husband had always waited on them hand and foot and they expected this to continue. If he stuck up for me in the slightest they went berserk and made a little mob out of all the family members and behaved in the cattiest way possible. Plus they would subject him to days of silent treatment. There was really no option but to have minimal contact or allow them to have total control. Zero compromise, they were always right and we were always wrong. The mobbing dynamic was pernicious.
I used to think men were wimpy for staying out of it, but the entitled and rather aggressive way some women can behave I'm starting to see why they may chose this route. Women are rather experts at mobbing. Men can do
this as well, but with some women it appears to come as naturally as breathing.
I hope you have some air purifiers with filters designed for smoke in your house? At least one for your bedroom, or any other little retreat in the house that you may have? I love our Blueair purifiers; they were a godsend during the CA wildfires last year when we had days of unsafe, polluted air outside.
It is truly amazing how a few smokers just seem to live to defy modern medicine!
Thanks, we do keep an eye on her to make sure everything safe. Believe it or not, my MIL has been smoking for 70 years. She would not give it up in a million years, My own mom passed away at 65 from heart problems and inoperable lung cancer. She had a heart attack at age 47, and stopped smoking immediately. So it is all the more upsetting to see MIL smoke given my history with my own mom, and have cigarettes be in my home. I despise them more than anything... Even if she smokes outside, the odor still gets through and though I have told her not to, she still forgets and throws her cigarette butts in the kitchen garbage. No possibility for ALF - neither she nor us have finances plus she does not have long-term care or Medicare.
Start first with YOU need a few hours every day to yourself to recharge your batteries and soothe your soul. DH, these are the hours I will not be home taking care of your mother and he needs to come up with a solution on who will care for her not you. Also, informing your adult children who you are giving emotional and financial support to that each one of them must, at a minimum, give 2 2-hour blocks of help a week different from your weekly recharge time. Might be best if those times are when you are at home so they don’t feel fully responsible for their care.
I was more hurt by my husband’s lack of support for me than his mother’s hostility towards me. This was early in our marriage and a therapist helped us to get past it. If he won’t go with you, then go yourself. For YOU.
Nothing will change unless you do. Even if it’s just in 1 little way. Hugs to you.
Thanks for the suggestion. Other posters have asked about a Transatlantic cruise. It sounds very cool but because we live in Cali, I don't see that happening. And that would be super long to travel.
I sorry to hear about your situation. I've read a lot of the comments below and take issue with the ones that say tolerate the abuse. I offer this, Life is wonderful, but the truth of the matter is we don't know how long we have on this earth. You need to have peace and love in your life and your home to counteract the everyday busyness. When you have someone in your home that is causing dissension everyday, and you can't find a moment you aren't thinking about the comments and disruption of this person, it is time to change the situation. Does it make sense to hate the very place you built you and your family's comfort. See if you can find an Assistant living facility close by and go visit her. We put my mother in a facility and fixed her room up so she had the things she enjoyed and go to visit often. As soon as she moved the feeling and the energy in the house was different.
It is wonderful to care for your elderly, but no one ever talks about the drain it can put on your life and well being.
she instilled a sense of humor with the love she taught knowing it would be handy. “Your so funny” a kiss
then a happy distraction. It must be so frustrating.
So what did you do before MIL came to live with you? Can you try to bring just a bit of that back.
I particularly like the idea of your kids getting into the situation & help you out there.
You mention some of the things your husband has done to "stand" for you. But what does he do to help you out besides putting on some lotion? He could help prepare her meals - i.e. let him cut up her food. Take care of some of her needs so you get a break.
When DH & MIL free talking using the familiar "tu" instead of "vous", ask him to include you in the conversation and use the "vous" so you feel included. She can still use "tu" but at least you know he's got your back covered.
The idea of offering this suffering up is a good idea. We can ask God to consider your suffering as a prayer. He'll understand & we you the graces you need to weather the situation
Good luck & God bless.
But maybe that is too harsh yet deserving.
So many French speakers on this forum. :) I think that captures the sentiment quite well. "En avoir ras le bol" means "to be fed up" in English. I think that you hit the nail on the head - yes, I may have finally reached my saturation point. People always tell me how nice I am, but sometimes being too nice does not serve us well. Thanks for your great comment.
you need to find a way to get away periodically because no matter how you live them it is exhausting. Consider temporary care for your mother in law while you go away and do something fun and rest and relax.
Separate quarters sound heavenly. To think that I have sat through over 1000 meals with MIL in the past 3 1/2 years... We have an older home with space to build, but with permits and contractors, it could take a couple of years. I love your approach to your mom, sometimes you gotta do tough love. As I've mentioned in other posts, assisted living is not an option because she has no long term care or real savings and no Medicare or Medicaid. It would also be tough financially for us to shell out the money to put her in a facility. Yes, it's the intrusiveness in our lives that's hardest for me, whether it's her frequent visits to our bedroom or the horrible smell of cigarettes that permeates our home. It's hard to see her as frail though I know her heart is in bad shape. MIL is one tough lady who wants to interject, always throwing in her two cents. She has been on door and light patrol at night since Day 1 of moving in and will come to see us sometimes multiple times just to make sure we shut the lights and locked the doors. It kind of sometimes feels like I have a strict and controlling parent living with me, like I'm a teen again. Though my parents growing up were pretty cool and hands off.
I loved her dearly but remembered not to get addicted to abusive, controlling behavior. When necessary, I calmly put my foot down and told her that certain behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated in my house, and after her initial surprise, that was the end of it.
But I have to qualify all this by saying she was only showing signs of mild cognitive decline. She was not in full-blown dementia by any means. Still, when I had to spend as much time searching for utensils and washing bowls and pans that had been put away dirty as I did actually cooking, my strategy for survival was to remind myself that she would not live forever and that I would miss her when she was gone.
She didn't, and I do.
I just don't see that you should be miserable in your own home. Many years ago, my husband at the time let his alcoholic dad come stay with us. We had two small children. After about a week it became obvious that the old drunk wasn't going anywhere, and husband wouldn't kick him out. One day after church the kids and I went to spend the day with a friend. I called husband and had him meet me at a restaurant for dinner, where I informed him the kids and I had packed bags of clothing and were prepared to stay with my friend (lady friend) indefinitely, and weren't coming home till the old sot was gone.
He was gone by morning. I'm saying there are ways of motivating husbands. Sometimes it takes action rather than words to make them see that we've had enough. A few nights in a nice motel might just be very good for your soul anyway.
Can she afford to move to an assisted living? If so, she should be glad to move.
The only other advice I can give is that your marriage relationship should, in my opinion, be giving top priority. Try to get some alone time with your husband. Set a specific time in the evening when you retire to your bedroom. Explain to her about the new alone time rule. Put a lock on the bedroom door. If she's out there knocking, ignore it. I went to a psychologist for training in setting boundaries with a parent. If you go, be specific in wanting this training otherwise they want to fix your whole life. It only took a few sessions to turn things around. You teach people how to treat you.
In the book The Art of War by Sun Tzu, one principle is to not fight every battle, but only the ones you can win, ie "choose your battles". Techniques that we learn from raising children can be used with anyone. If a child throws a hissy fit, we are taught to walk away and ignore them--it works.
Sorryselma, validation is a great thing. From your original post and subsequent ones, you sound like you're doing a heck of a job in a difficult situation. Husband is caught between being the son of the first woman in his life, and the woman he chose to be with as an adult male. Not enviable but it's nice that he has stood up to her on occasion...even if it is about the color of a closet. Every day is a new day. I hope you have more better days than bad ones - or bad moments.
You could try saying to yourself "Right this minute, it certainly seems to be the worst decision ever made, but I am choosing to think about the positive aspects." You can choose your reaction. It might help to imagine your MIL as a cookie eating, chain smoking 4 y/o in a flouncy dress & hair bows. She truly has no power over you, unless you give her the power. She feels powerless or she wouldn't lash out. You mention that she is blind so that reading & watching TV are no longer distracting her. Perhaps audible books in French would be an acceptable alternative. Or find someone for her to help speaking in French: she could boss them around, correct their pronunciation & tell them her stories. Give her someone else on which to focus negative attention.
For sure you must take advantage of the respite opportunity, whether your husband does or not!!! Take care of yourself & recharge your spirit. You need this break. Go ahead & enjoy yourself!!! Then post again with details of your break so we can celebrate with you. Best of luck. Hugs!
Is it possible to explain to your husband that he plays a role in making this easier for you. Maybe that would help him to not let mom walk on you.
For the cig-stink, There are candles that are sold in vets offices that are great for getting rid of cigarette odor. I used to smoke but hated my house to smell, these worked so well that my mom who is the world's worst reformed smoker, actually said it was a good thing I didn't smoke in doors. I laughed and said only out of courtesy to you, when you are not here, I smoke inside. They are "Pet odor Exterminator candle" perhaps they will help you.
You are doing a great job in a tough situation. Tell your husband that anyone can handle any situation for 5 days. He needs to be the man of the house and take care of the woman he promised to forsake all others for. She will live through it and best of all you will be able to continue helping her. Old people tend to behave like children and you must not get caught up in the tantrums. Tell your husband the things people have said about taking care of yourselves and how important reconnecting as a couple is to your wellbeing. To much of a good thing is just that, too much. How much more when it is a hard thing.
Find laughter where you can, picture her with a kite tail flying away to respite.
God bless you and give you strength.
My younger DD is about to acquire a French MIL. She's a good thirty years younger than yours, and a very nice lady indeed, I like her a lot, but all the same - there just are those stiff social rules which still apply no matter how relaxed and global we're all supposed to be nowadays.
Sigh. I don't know how you please someone there is no pleasing.
I suppose it is *completely* out of the question that you and DH move to France and leave her behind..?
I just did a quick dig to see if I could find any web forums full of French people trying to cope with their parents. No luck with that but I did find this:
"The report by France's National Ethics Committee (CCNE) reveals that reaching old age in France often means being sidelined by society, receiving inadequate care and the suffering of both you and your carers.
There are 6.1 million people aged over 75 in the French population, 61 percent of whom are women. Among this number, 25 percent live alone, 50 percent no longer have an active friendship network and 41 percent have little or no contact with their children."
A few blessings in there for MIL to count. Yes, she may not be grateful, but what you're doing for her must be about the best karma there is or else there's no justice.
Second thought is to get into couples' counseling so you two can work on your relationship. It sounds like you HAVE become a 3rd wheel and Mamie is the woman of the house, in the front seat literally and figuratively. If your hubby won't take the respite offered by hospice, you should plan the event when Hospice can take her and go by yourself. If your hubby is to chicken to take her and drop her off, at least you can have some time away to think in peace!
Third, we are all reading Dorker's saga of her MIL just flying back from IL. None of us want that. However, I'm guessing Mamie would be just fine in an assisted living with some French speaking islanders working there. It might be a drive for your husband but it would put some distance between you and her.
When we reached our destination, I told my brother (who had POA) that mother would never get into a car with me ever again. She was transported by ambulette from there on in.
There is no telling when a person with dementia gets it into their head that they are being kidnapped. I'd play it safe and keep her in the back. And make sure that she has no access to things that can be used to hit, like a cane or an ice brush.
My MIL JUMPS into the front seat when DH and I take her out. Well, used to, I won't go with them anymore. She acted as if I weren't there and honestly, it was never "fun" for me. She'd sit by him at dinner, or the play--whatever--and I felt like a 5th wheel so I stepped out.
If she lived with "us" there would BE no "us".
It took me far too many years to get DH to see that I would like to be a part of his life, w/o his mother calling the shots. He has NEVER and I mean NEVER stood up for me in 43 years of life together and he never will.
So, I changed. I do not talk to her, and I never plan to again, unless circumstance insists.
But I have the ability to stay away from her, I really don't know if you could approach her in any way w/o DH standing right by you, agreeing with you.
Just--know you aren't alone in this. Can you put a lock on your bedroom door? (One hopes you already have one). Add a "do not disturb" door hanger from a hotel (they'll give you one, trust me) and let he pound on that door.
Oh---and read about "boundaries". Sounds like MIL is really trampling on yours.
I totally get what you're saying, I do often feel invisible when I am with the two of them. She talks to DH as though I am not present. In French, you have the "tu" singular pronoun for you and "vous" plural pronoun for you, so it's even more marked than in English. She most often uses "tu" directed at my husband. At times, my husband stands up for me like when she addresses him in a way that implies it is his house, his decision solely to do this or that, etc But on the other hand he gets annoyed when I bring up frequent issues to him like her smoking because I hate that the odor and fumes still get in the house.
Plus MIL feels the need to interfere in everything we do. It's so hard to have friends over; though they don't speak French we have to spend the evening translating for her. When we were painting closet doors in the family room, she expressed her dismay over and over about the color we had chosen. Finally, my husband said, "It's our house. We get to pick the color we want."
One of the things you commented on that rang so true for me is that if your MIL were to move in there would no longer be an "us." That hit a raw cord. I have felt that way since she moved in; there is no true "us" anymore and our relationship has been redefined where "us" means 2 + 1, and odd numbers are always problematic.
There is no way to get MIL to respect our space. We have not been successful in setting boundaries because she is everywhere and has nothing to do but seek us out at home. Closed doors do not hinder her. Because she is legally blind, watching TV or reading books to keep busy are impossible. We are her sole activity besides smoking and eating cookies.
You were so smart for putting your foot down and setting boundaries. I still love my husband a lot but the experience of having her live with us has created so much angst and at times made a solid relationship feel shaky. I just feel like on auto pilot all the time with little joy in my heart.
I suggest that Mom sit in the back. There was a poster that said her Mom opened the car door while he car was in motion. The back seat has child saftey locks and same with windows. The door can only be opened from the outside. You may want to tell her you would like to sit next to your husband one day. Work into two days, etc, until you are now sitting in front seat.
This MIL expects to sit in the front because where she comes from that would be "correct" and "normal"; and even the words themselves have much more significance than they do in English.
When in Rome and all that, I know; but I wouldn't underestimate how genuinely insulted she would be to be made to sit in the back.
But - How about if the OP drives and DH goes in the back, once in a while?! 💡