How do I stop harboring anger and resentment towards my boyfriend’s mom? I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, 7 of which she has lived with him. We have never had a close relationship. She has MS and is 91. The last year has been total care, cognitive decline for her. BF cannot put her in a home, and she takes up a big portion of the day. Right now, there are no caregivers available to help her, and no real finances to pay anyone. How do I keep from harboring anger and resentment towards the situation? I know it is taking a toll on my health. I want to try diet change and meditation. Any suggestions will help.
Medications?
How about a boyfriend change, as well. I think that would be most effective.
You are angry at the poor MOTHER of this boyfriend?
I can't imagine how it is her fault at all. She is and has been ill.
It's the boyfriend who has treated you as slave labor.
If you're angry at someone I am sad to tell you that you are most likely angry at YOURSELF, and with very good reason. You have made very poor decisions for your own well being.
You will either now take care of yourself and leave the situation or you won't.
You're an adult and have free will to make your own choices. Only you bear the awful weight and loss of the choices you have made, and perhaps will continue to make. No one else is harmed; that's the good news.
So, it's up to you.
It always was up to you.
No one else. Just you.
I mean...surely you realize that you deserve better right?
So that is my suggestion to you to put yourself first, know you deserve better, and pack your bags and leave for the life you deserve.
I suggest moving out. It is drastic but if it is affecting you this way, you need to make a change. Find a job and move, you are not married and can just pick up and leave.
Not sure what you are expecting long term from this relationship but from the outside it seems like this relationship is going nowhere.
I’m curious? What would you like to be different with your situation? What would you like your life to look like in a year?
If, in a year, you hope to be enjoying a resentment free relationship with your boyfriend while he cares for his mom, and maybe even developing a relationship with her yourself, then that’s a noble goal and working on yourself with that in mind is admirable.
But if, in a year, you hope mom is out of the picture and your boyfriend is joyfully focusing only on you, diet and meditation are probably not going achieve that.
Here you go.
Read this article and then come back and read your responses to your post and you will feel like a textbook case for this doctor.
Notice that “blame” leads to anger and resentment.
Here is this doctor’s suggestion.
“The Way Out: Condition New Responses
In close relationships, frequent anger and resentment are a tragic substitution of power for value. Instead of doing something that makes them feel more valuable when they feel devalued, angry, resentful people automatically opt for blame and the temporary power of adrenaline, which will never make them feel more valuable.”
If you research ways to decrease stress and anger there are lots of options to consider. Hopefully you can find something to help for those peak stress times. To truly address the problem you are going to have to address the issue with your boyfriend one on one or with a counselor. A big issue to consider working thru is if you could come to forgiveness with your boyfriend after so many years of living with this degree of stress. You
have been given excellent advice from some wise women in how to deal with the big picture problem. If you are just wanting to get through what you are hoping is a time limited issue I hope you find what works for you.
i should of just framed the question to how to deal with caregiver burnout to keep from getting attacked from everyone who can only see a tiny bit of the picture.