It looks like I am going to have to break the news to my mom that its just not safe for her to come home. This is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. She is currently in a rapid rehab facility ... and has the sneaking suspicion that she may not be coming home. I have put this off as long as I could. Any advice on how to break the news?
I had to bring my mom up to be here close to me after we realized that her dementia was getting worse and she was unable to complete daily tasks on her own. We tried, my husband and I, to keep her in our home, but her night wandering and other issues made it impossible for us to function because we had to get up many times a night to get her back into her room. We looked into hiring help at home, but the cost was very high ($23/hour and a minimum of 12 hours a night). Multiply that times 7 nights a week, or even just a 3 or 4 nights, and it was less expensive to pay a quality assisted living place by the month.
My best advice would be to try to get your mom to look at a few places (try to see them yourself first, so you are taking her to places that you actually would consider placing her in.) Have her be part of the decision making. If she is still able to understand financial information, give her the facts about what costs would be for each solution.
We asked my mom if she would try staying at a facility, after she'd seen it , found it "impressive", and we'd talked about how much it would cost. She agreed. She has been there a month. At first, she cried. She kept asking, "Do I have to stay here the rest of my life?!!", and wondering when she was going to get better and be able to go home. But, gradually, she started feeling better. She has gotten to know some people, she's gotten involved in some of the activities, and she is exercising her muscles and her brain. It's not easy, but it's possible.
Reassure her that you love her. Tell her that you will visit her often and that you will enjoy going back to being her child, instead of her guardian/babysitter/nurse. You can do the fun stuff and get your rest while other people, who are paid to care for her, do the "heavy lifting."
I think that my mother will live longer and healthier because she is in a place where she is well cared for. We see her often and take her to visit her grandchildren and great-grandchildren in the area.
Our parents often have the wrongful idea that we will dump them off at the facility and that they will be left alone for weeks and months on end. That is simply not the case.
Good luck to you, MacMac. Please let us know how it goes.
MsDaizy -- It is her home ... I have always lived with her -- never moved out.
I am hoping that she can go into assisted living. In about a week she will be out of rehab -- I am going to talk to the nurse tomorrow morning to get all the details. A few weeks ago the nurse was telling me that there is no way mom can handle her own medication, and she would require home health and some other assistance when she was dismissed.
My sister has had serious, serious health problems (she is in her mid-fifties) and is currently living in the independent section of an senior living facility. Our hope is to have mom there in the same facility.
To give an idea of why I worry myself sick over her -- she went for a walk a few months ago and let our dog out. Thing is, we don't have a dog. She insists that we do, and she cannot understand why I don't care more about it. She went out in the neighborhood looking for the dog she was convinced we own. We live on a creek bank with a yard riddled with gopher holes in the back. She could easily fall and I wouldn't know until I came home from work. She is still convinced we owned that dog!
Oh well. Sorry for venting. I don't want to take my mom's house ... I want her to be safe and healthy. I just can't do that for her anymore ...
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