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Hello. I thank this thoughtful and kind group of helpful people.


I recently moved my dad from one nursing home to another due to his funds running low. When I placed him about 14 months ago I had all intentions of keeping him there indefinitely, although the rate was increased twice in under one year by quite a lot (from 5,200 to 5500, then 6200). They don’t have semi-private options, and gave notice that they would again be reviewing rates.


I can’t remember their exact wording but it was implied that they expected goodbye tips. I zelled the manager 650 dollars to split up amongst 12 workers as she saw fit. No thank you. She just said, "funds received, Gretchen." After thinking about it, I almost wish I hadn’t bothered.


Am I wrong or being stingy? How could have I done a better job at this?

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I’d call the facility and just ask if this is something they sanction, because it seems highly suspicious.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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You should have never poured your savings into his care. Your responsibility for this man was to make sure he had shelter, food, clothing and healthcare. If that meant putting him on Medicaid in a NH so be it. Finding him resourses but you don't shell out your own money for him to be in a " fancier" place. He abandoned you! Left his wife to fend for herself. I may have pointed him in the right
direction, set him up with the resourses and people, but thats where my help would have stopped. He madevhis bed.

But you did what you thought was right for you. You can say you did enough. Its OK to be glad when he leaves this world. A lot of the members and former members have had those feelings.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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This is weird, I don't have anyone in a home, so I'm not sure, but doesn't feel right to me
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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gemswinner12 Jul 13, 2024
Perhaps I should have provided more context. I live two states away and workers there assisted with the transfer and packed up a few boxes of his items and mailed them to me.
When I had him admitted of course I had no way to predict how long his stay would be. Severe heart failure with an ejection fraction of under 10%, and multiple hospitalizations for drinking and falling. He’s also diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia ( decades ago). He was a lot more than a handful for the staff to manage.
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In your updated scenario, I can see them "hinting" that a tip would be nice for those who packed him up. This is not part of their job. Usually family does the packing up. Did all 12 staff members pack him up? IMO only the ones that packed him up deserve a tip. And for me, $100 each should be enough.

I assume you are talking about an Assisted Living not a nursing home. The way I showed my appreciation when Mom was in her AL was to bake something and put it in the staff lunch room. I think asking for a tip is rude. If Dad had certain aides he liked, I may slip them a gift card. But usually aides in facilities are not allowed to except gifts. I think this country is getting out of hand when it comes to tipping. I tip a waitress and the amount I tip depends on the service. I tip them because they don't make minimum wage. They depend on those tips. I tipped the delivery guys because they took my old loveseat and moved it down steps to another room. I tip when appropriate. In NJ, minimum wage is now $15.00. No can't live on it but not bad for a highschool or college student who is flipping burgers at McDonalds. Some states are still under $10.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You gave the Manager the money “to split up amongst 12 workers as she saw fit”. There is a good chance that she saw fit to keep it all herself. If she is Manager but does not own the entire business, you might want to contact the owners to tell them what happened. At the same time, you might want to tell them that you removed F because of the continuing substantial increases in the fees. If Manager is on the take personally, you have no idea whose pocket those extra fees are going into. The owners might care to have a more rigorous audit!

It’s possibly a good idea not to forget this, because no-one else will know if something criminal is going on. On the other hand, you might just want to walk away from it all.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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gemswinner12 Jul 15, 2024
Thank you for your insight and thoughtful response. I’m probably going to just let it go; I’m so tired of dealing with his life and just glad to be “done” with his former facility.
Such a guilt trip they tried to put me on when I gave them notice that I would be transferring him.
Of course part of me felt guilty because he could no longer afford the “fancier” place, but I’m nearly 60 myself and simply cannot pour my life savings towards his care.
Thank you again and best to you
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You were scammed. Call the police.
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Reply to LyndeeNew
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gemswinner12 Jul 13, 2024
Are you answering sarcastically, or is this your honest opinion? My apologies thank you
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Hi 👋🏽

Sorry but 😆, "funds received"
Never heard of such a thing. Good thing he is out of this place.
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Reply to cover9339
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gemswinner12 Jul 15, 2024
Yeah I thought so; I kept feeling ripped off over the course of that year.
My “dad” took off in 1972 and left me and my mom on food stamps.

I can’t wait until hospice calls me to say he’s deceased. Please try not to judge; I’m subsidizing his care at this point and want my life back. He refused to discuss his wishes so no Medicaid for a few more years.

Thank you for your thoughtful response.
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You did the best you could being out of state.

If you were local I'd have given cash in envelopes to each worker personally.
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Reply to brandee
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No I wasn't being sarcastic. I did see that you added some more information regarding what happened. Did the manager and workers help your dad with packing on their own time or were they on the clock? If they were at work being paid, they probably aren't allowed to ask for money from you. Maybe you could post this question under scams or elder law. I originally thought you were told to pay money just because your dad was leaving, kind of like they were telling you that it was mandatory you give them a parting gift, and that would definitely be a scam.
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