Husband has Alzheimer's and asks for his mother, what should I tell him?

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Husband has Alzheimer's and asks for his mother, what should I tell him?

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My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 6 years ago. He has shown much progression in the last year and a half. Recently he has been asking about his mother alot. When he talks to his brother he wants to know where she lives so he can visit her. My husband will be 79 in September and obviously she has been gone for quite some time. I tell his brother to change the subject or make someone up like she moved far away. I do the same. Are we doing the right thing by fibbing because I read that if you tell them that their parent passed away they will go thru a grieving process again. Would appreciate some input. Thank you.

Care Decisions Communication & Language Family Caregiver Memory Loss

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Cheeky79: Come up with a therapeutic fib.

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Reply to Llamalover47

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My husband has Dementia, and he often asks for his mother and father. As a caregiver, I have learned to follow the Dementia reality as reasonably possible. There are times when it becomes frustrating when he doesn’t see or know the whereabouts of his parents. Sometimes, I will say, they are not here, or they went home, or they moved, etc., when this doesn’t work, I will respond, they are with the Lord. He will pause to process my answer, sometimes he will say, ‘with the Lord,’ and I’ll say, yes, he doesn’t get angry, he will stop asking for them for a short period of time then Dementia repeats itself.

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Reply to LizDewey

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Yes, make up a story. If you tell him, of course he will be upset that mom passed away. Later he won't remember you told him. So what's the point of making him sad over and over with the truth.

Moving away is a good story. For the moment, he'll understand she's not nearby for a visit. After them moment passes and the words fade from his mind, he'll likely ask again.

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Reply to my2cents

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Sometimes it's just hard to know what to do, but in this situation I think what you are doing is great. Yes, the grieving will just keep happening because he won't remember what you told him. My mom for about 2 years went back and forth from knowing and not knowing that my dad had died. When she started thinking she was seeing him drive by, or through the window when we would get back home from an outing, I knew that it was time for the fibs. I always told her that he went fishing with his friend when she asked where he was because his fishing trips were the only times they were apart until his death, so she would not have believed anything else. It was that back and forth that confused me as to what to do. One day she asked me who I was and what I doing there. Not one single time for the next 5 years did that happen. She knew me and only me from about that time on. And at about that same time she became totally sure Dad was still around. Going along with her to her long ago world became easier through the years.

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Reply to ArtistDaughter

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I think that telling a therapeutic fib is the best thing for a person who cannot process the information and risks grieving over and over.

May I suggest, though, that you make it a more comforting white lie?

As a child, I used to have recurring dreams about my mum leaving me, being far away and I couldn't reach her. I know that if I regressed to those traumatic days of childhood, when I needed my mum, and was told she moved far away, I'd feel anxious and wouldn't feel comforted at all.

Obviously, I'm not your husband and we've had different life experiences; nevertheless, I think that it's possible that a lie which means he can never see his parents might be contributing to him not letting this particular need to go away.

You could say they've gone on holiday for a little while, or "you'll be seeing them soon", or any other comforting white lies.

But don't feel guilty about the lies: you're doing it out of love and kindness.

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Reply to MiaMoor

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I use a battery handheld recording/playback device for answering. I get the same repetitive question of "where is my mother" from 100 (October 2024) yr old with Alzheimer. Interesting that the recording answer has no affect on the 100 yr old but relieves my stress from answering many rapid fire repetitive questions. Like you I am trying to find the answer that is acceptable to the "where is my mother".
I am thinking of saying that "she went on a cruise vacation". He is very familiar with cruises.

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Reply to PeterFromSF

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The therapeutic fib. There's no need for you or anyone else to tell your husband his mother is gone. Why upset him?

Tell him she's at home or went to visit her sister, or anything. It's kinder this way.

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Reply to BurntCaregiver

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Anything that will keep him calm.
Personally, I wouldn't say 'they moved away' as the person will feel a sense of loss. You could say, "she went to the store to get some eggs, she'll be back soon." Then change the subject.

You want the person to feel as secure and calm as possible.

You never call them out or correct them.
You meet them where they are - in their fantasy / hallucination.

Gena / Touch Matters

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Reply to TouchMatters

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About 2 years ago an old time friend of my husband told him about a death that was very unnecessary for him to know. I called him out on it and told him to never do that again. I'm his wife and I am so overprotective of him because I don't want him to feel hurt in any way.
Now every time this friend calls I walk on eggshells. I honestly can't be bothered with the nonsense when I am taking card of a very sick man all ready.
Thank you.

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I worked many years in a MC facility. You never ever tell them someone has passed. Many times they will start the grievance process all over again. That’s just mean. Just say they stepped out and will be back soon. Their memory is short so that will work.

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Reply to CoolBaptist

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People tell a person with dementia 'the truth' when the person doesn't understand what dementia is nor how to communicate with a person inflicted. I guide people to TEEPA SNOW's website - her webinars, books, You Tubes. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia - and shares with others HOW to interact / communicate with a person inflicted with dementia. I studied with her for almost two years, many years ago.

Reading about how the brain changes is not only invaluable, it is required 'if' a person wants to support the person with dementia. It is like learning a new language.

Gena / Touch Matters

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my mother would ask the same question over and over. I told her the truth, she’s not living anymore. The doctor said not to lie to an Alzheimer’s patient. My mother would always say nobody told her,her mothers not living. I always said you went to the funeral. It would end the conversation.

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Reply to Funcountess

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My husband always mistake me for his MAMA and says/asks questions in his language I do not understand. I let him do that then smiles and says I am his wife. He would smile and says:"I don't know why but I know you have been so nice like my MAMA! I smile again with a thank you with hugs...and we smile together!

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Reply to Mabuhay24

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I like to always answer with a positive answer. Like oh we will see her soon. Or say I just tried to get her but she may be out we will try and call later. And then say do you want to look at some pictures and take out pictures of happy times with his Mom. You are not doing anything wrong you are protecting him from pain he can't process now. You wouldn't tell a 5 year old there is no Santa ! And his brother can say oh we are all going to get together next month or for the holidays sometime in the future. My Aunt was in a home when 9/11 happened and it came across live on the screen and everyone was sitting trying to figure out what they were seeing and when the 2ns plane it one of the patients shouted Happy New Year and all the patients in the room got up and started hugging and wishing each other a happy new year. The aides just shut off the TVs and "made" a news years party for them. My heart goes out to you. Its hard. Good Luck

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Reply to Thatsmyjob

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I agree. Tell a fib, but make it a happy one.

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My husband did the same thing, however, it was his father that he always asked about. At that time, it was about 20 year since his father has passed away. When I told him his father had passed, he was very upset and asked why no one had told him. Of course, he knew this before his dementia set in. I put a large framed picture of his mother and father in our room. He looked at the picture many times and maybe in some way it comforted him. My husband had dementia for seven years before he passed away last year.

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Reply to Grannie9

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My mother (dementia, 99) demands a visit from her parents or to be taken to them. I find natural disaster and accident excuses work best. Example: They farmed near a lake and evening fogs resulted in accidents along the closest highway. “Oh, didn’t you hear? Hwy 99 is blocked. A truck rolled over on that sharp curve in the fog.” Or “They called to say a pipe burst in their bathroom.” She’s accepted such excuses so I have avoided reminding her that they’re long dead.

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Reply to Anabanana

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When my mother with dementia was constantly demanding to speak to her mama and papa, or see them in person, I would come up with excuses like they were out of town, their phone was broken, etc. Then one day, mom looked me in the eye and snarled, "YOU'RE FULL OF SH!$". So I said, "Ok mom, they passed away a very very long time ago, I'm sorry to say." She was sad and surprised to hear that, but it was no big deal to her. My mother was very mean and not sentimental about anyone or anything, truthfully.

This went on for 2 years, the asking for/demanding to see her parents and her siblings (She was the last man standing out of a family of 10). She insisted I'd locked them in the closet of her Memory Care ALF. So I'd alternate stories, depending on how sharp her teeth were that day. No matter what, though, she'd forget what I told her in short order and start the whole questioning process over. Again. I'd say bye bye and Get out of there.

Best of luck with a difficult situation.

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Reply to lealonnie1

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Sounds like you’re handling it perfectly to me.

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Reply to ZippyZee

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It depends on your husband.
Some will take the "news" that a loved one has died and go on with the conversation. Others will get upset treating it like this is new information and they experience the grief all over again.
So...tell your husband ONCE that mom has died. If he takes it well, great if not you will have to deal with the outcome for a while.
So, really it is up to you as to how you want to deal with this conversation.
There is no Right or Wrong answer. Just as each individual with dementia is different so is how you handle each situation.

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Reply to Grandma1954

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Cheeky, yes! That is exactly how I would go about it.

Little white lies to keep a dementia patient comfortable and happy is best.

So sorry about your husband 😔 🙏

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Reply to Anxietynacy

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Thank you. Have a great weekend.

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You're doing fine! At this stage of dementia, your husband isn't concerned with truth. He just wants to be reassured and to feel better. Asking about dead relatives is a manifestation of anxiety. No need for him to be anxious when he knows mom will be back soon! Keep up the good work.

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Reply to Fawnby

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Thank you.

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You do what you’re doing. They moved, they’re taking a trip, they have to work. Etc.

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Reply to PeggySue2020

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Husband has Alzheimer's and asks for his mother, what should I tell him?

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