My husband talks all day and worries about things that aren't happening. How do I keep myself from going crazy?

Everyone talks about putting them in a facility. My wife also has an implanted morphine pump for pain. With her medical condition along with alzheimers the cost is 3 times what we get in social security. So for the younger generation. Get you long term care insurance now.

This is the reason I finally allowed the physician to put Ray on Zoloft. OMG! What a wonderful turnaround he had.

Ray couldn't help that he was worrying uncontrollably - but now he is calmer and just enjoying the time we have left. He's only on 50mg and not dopey at all from the Zoloft. Just calmer.

All very good answers. Also, I'm learning here that it is better to humor and placate people rather than insist on one's own way. I found that out, much to my surprise, when I applied for a job in an assisted living facility. I actually turned the job down because I'm not good at lying...not even white lies. I had to stop bathing my grandmother recently because I got tired of the constant criticism, combativeness and manipulativeness that went on between her and three other relatives. It's been ruining the good relation I've had with her for four decades and knees that I can't afford to lose...my husband turned to me one day and said, "who will take care of my wife, when you are spent and broken down always taking care of these other people and not your own mind and body?"

He is right. I gave my relatives notice the next day.

Currently having some trouble in my life right now dealing with several people with dementia that I love, so I can so relate to everything posted here.

The hardest thing? Many of them are aging and all trying to take care of each other but can't even take care of themselves. I wish they had left well enough alone, and the one who was the eldest could have stayed in a facility but they are pulling on her like a toy and fighting over her. None of them are competent to care for her. It is depressing me and I had to quit trying, for all of them, because I was feeling downright despair and depression over it and my own anxiety situation was getting so much better for a while.

You know the old saying...put your oxygen mask on first.

Thank you all for the helpful tips on coping with this behavior. Yes, my husband is on medication for agitation and anxiety but after contacting the geriatric doctor, she increased the dose. It is helping.

My hubby does not have dementia, neither do I (yet). He bought some noise cancelling headphones and has music or the TV piped into them most of the time. The kids call it "mom cancelling headphones". You can try that. It sure works at our house. And I don't talk to him all day, I guess he just needs some down time after work, or he's heard everything I have to say.
Sometimes at mother's I will put my earbuds in and listen to music. She repeats herself a lot, but I understand, she doesn't remember to whom she has talked about what. I'll be there soon enough, my kids are all sick of the sound of my voice too. And I am only 60.

Geewiz nailed it. A psychologist told me once that arguing with someone with dementia is like trying to talk to a drunk. I was completely appalled my her statement but years later I realized she was right. When you break the damage going on inside of the sufferer's brain, it is uncanny. People drink or take substances and for a short while parts of the brain shut down. Dementias, Parkenson's, strokes do the same thing. Difference is those parts of the nrain never come back on again. Sure changes ones perspective on things after first hand experience with these dieases and conditions. Do what geewiz suggested. Reassure him that you are on top of the situation. Validate his concerns and even thank him for being so observant. Arguing NEVER!!! I so wish we could know what they feel and where they go, but we can't. I think I did go crazy. It got to the point that I couldn't even think straight and my memory got highjacked because of just not having time to think. What I do know eas clearly there were several realities going on at the same time and I wasn't in any of his. It took me a long time to learn how to live again. Please see if you can find someone to come in and you take a break and do something for you. Not just running errands or paying bills or going to support groups. The isolation of the categiving gets very very difficult. A doctor shared this with me, My wife was very ill for more than a decade. It finally got to the point that one of us has got to go and I didn't care which one it was. Then he said, there will be time for dreams again!!! I have to confess that was exactly how I felt after more than a decade of caring for hubby. Please take care of you and first. Otherwise you will collapse and then what??? Caregiving kills the caregivers usually first. I hit burn out after about 8 years. I did end up dying. I was given another chance. I never believed stress could kill you but absolutely it will. Peace. Grace. And Love to you. Thank you for all you do.

You are correct, Riley.

I am sure most of you won't like what I am going to suggest but believe me, it works most of the time. If the person is driving you insane, and they sure can do that, and nothing that you say in a nice, loving way stops it, then you have got to get tough with them and tell them in a very firm, serious voice that they must immediately stop doing what they are doing. They may not remember but if you do this constantly and immediately tell them to stop talking, it can help - perhaps frighten them a bit - it does help. I know from experience. But do this only after all the nice ways have been tried. Then scare them into stopping and instantly stop them from talking.
Your sanity and well-being are at stake and I doubt you want to join them and be like them. Worst case, put them into a facility that can care for them.

You did not specify if he has been diagnosed with anything. If not, you should seek medical advise/diagnosis - it might be something treatable. If it is dementia, I recommend similar suggestions from others:
1. do NOT try to argue or reason with him as there is no way to win
2. if he is not expecting any answers, just making statements, attempt to tune them out (you cannot change his behavior, only yours!)
3. if he does expect response, try what I suggested to my brother - pretend you are the old TV dad at the table with the paper - yup... uh-huh.. or really? sure...
4. the last trick i learned from the in-home nurse assessment and the AL/MC care-givers - redirect, redirect, redirect... you can make some kind of response, but redirect his focus on something else, if you can...

Is it possible to get a break? Can he attend a day program to give your some relief? Is there an old friend of his that can come over for coffee one day a week so you can sneak away while they visit? Try playing music from his youth or an artist he’s liked and that may distract him from the worrying.

I go to dinner with a group of ladies whose ages range from us youngsters (49-59) and some retired friends (70-93). One of the retired ladies is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s and while she still remember us and can have a conversation about current events will lose track of the conversations that have just occurred. Since I only have to deal with it once a month I try and sit next to her and that gives her sister-in-law and best friend a little break from the constant circling. Our dinner was last night and we circled around where we were and how much she liked the place and we should come her again. We’re at Chick’s and yes the food is good and inexpensive and lets come back next month. Then change the topic to I hear you are going to Judy’s for Easter. The next time around I added when the weather gets nicer we’ll have to plan a cookout at my place or wow Barb your salad looks great! We’ve learned to move her quickly off topic of politics, cell phones, money, or her brother.

I understand how you feel my husband does the same thing. I listen and say everything is fine now, it is taken care of and take his mind in another direction.

Do not engage in acrimonious behavior. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into it, e.g. meditate or other things.

I walk away. I go get a cup of water and he'll mutter to himself and after a while, the topic is over (or resolved) in his mind.

This is my mother, to a tee.

My mother has no hobbies or interests. She sits in her chair in the living room & watches CNN all day. At 12noon and 5pm, she watches the local news. She never watches anything for entertainment---movies or sitcoms or TV series. She goes to bed at 6:30pm and gets out of bed at 6am. She is 88 years old, doesn't have to be anywhere, doesn't go anywhere & doesn't do anything other than dust the furniture & some other household cleaning.

All she talks about is what she's going to do when social security & Medicare is taken away, what she's going to do when the heater breaks down (it is 60+ years old, and when she had the opportunity to replace it at a much cheaper price, she didn't) & how much it is going to be to get a new one, about her friends & people she knows that are sick & dying, her own ailments, etc. She is SOOOOO negative & depressing, I can't be around her for more than 5 minutes before I have to get away from her. She lives with me, so that is a very difficult thing to do. She runs around closing & locking all the doors all the time---I will be outside watering flowers & I'll try to open the door, and in the 2 minutes I was outside, she has locked the door & I can't get in. She says that she is afraid that someone is going to break in, and I tell her that if someone is going to break in, they're not going to let a locked door stop them. I told her that if she so worried about someone breaking into the house, to get an alarm system installed. She would much rather run around locking all the doors & worrying about someone breaking into the house than get an alarm system to ease her worries.

I can honestly say that I have never met nor have I ever known anyone remotely like my mother ever in my life. She complains about things, then I will give her solutions & answers to solve the things she is complaining about, and she acts like I never said anything. It is mind boggling. She watches CNN because she thrives on the drama & what is said that sets up situations in her head for her to worry about. It is insane. Her mind is idle 90% of the day because she has absolutely no interests or hobbies to keep her mind occupied. It's not like this is something new---she has always been like this. She always says that cleaning & working were her hobbies.
My father (who died in 1992) has a multitude of hobbies: oil paintings, golfing, gardening, tinkering with electronic appliances, going to the library & reading books, working on cars. She would actually get mad at him because he had interests & hobbies & did things to keep his mind busy. She would get mad that he didn't sit in his chair in the living room day in & day out, watching the TV & talking to her about the crazy scenarios she would set up in her own mind. When she would start to carry on about whatever irrelevant topic she churned up in her own head, my father would get up & walk out of the house to look at his garden or go for a bike ride or something else to get out of earshot. I honestly don't know how he did it for the number of years they were married.

She is on an anti depressant, but I believe that she has an underlying undiagnosed & intreated mental disorder such as bi-polar disorder and/or OCD and/or anxiety disorder. She makes up situations in her own head about things that are not happening & won't happen just to give herself something to worry about. She tells me that she is a worry wart and always has been. I understand worry warts, but worrying about things that are never going to happen is a different thing altogether. She causes her own anxiety & problems. I have learned that I cannot change anything, she refuses to change anything, and that this is how she is going to be until she takes her last breath. I deal with it the same way my father dealt with it---just get away from her so I am not pulled into the vortex of negativity & depression.

My Mom with dementia and psychosis is also very articulate and talks for hours on end. Of course she wants eye contact and pauses occ. for responses. So hard to respond to gibberish delusions all the time. Such good suggestions above re: distraction, treats, avoiding TV news. I know at some point she will become nonverbal and I will miss her sweet voice. As op mentioned, I always felt my Mom needed to be in a mental institution vs memory care. A placement specialist really heard my concerns and helped me get her into a dementia-care facility that handles complex cases. She is right where she needs to be and receiving wonderful care 24/7 that I could never provide. Hugs and prayers.

I, myself, suffer from anxiety and when it was at its worse---I know I was awful to live with (I was only 40!!) Everything terrified me, the poor kids couldn't leave the house w/o me stressing out over where they were going, etc. I TRIED not to verbalize my fears, but I couldn't help it. This came on after an emergency surgery and just my being worn out from 5 kids in a tiny house, too many responsibilities and being sick for months on end (gallbladder disease) and no one knowing what was wrong with my. Drove my husband crazy. I talked, cried nonstop for a couple of months at least!
Long story short, I have ALWAYS had GAD, and this just was the tipping point. Properly dxed and properly medicated, I am just fine. (Well, everybody has a day or two when they get a little kooky) but my point it, anxiety makes you fuss and worry--and drive others crazy. On my meds, I am just fine.
I think a good checkup is due for your hubby. You can be 'calmed' and not be a zombie. I'll be on this med for life, and that's fine.
Trust me, your dad is probably miserable with this-whether he can voice it or not.

I agree about exploring meds for anxiety and depression. When my LO was so anxious and worried, it was due to her constant concern over imagined things. Like, if a person was well, hurt, lost, etc. She would obsess over imagined problems, some that she could not even verbalize. Medication helped tremendously. AND, I also learned to give her complete VALIDATION. Trying to convince her that she was not right or had unnecessary feelings, was a waste. So, I assured her and comforted her. No matter what it was, I would tell her that I had taken care of the problem. Everything was fixed. No need to worry anymore and that I was there to celebrate with treats. She was so relieved. This was calm her for a while. As the person's condition progresses, I think the talking about things in general decreases.

While he is in this stage, I'd try to get help so you can take breaks. It's not healthy to stay in that mindset for long periods of time. One person can only do so much. I'd explore ways to get help and time away from him for your own welfare.  
You say that he belongs in a mental institution.  I'd consult with his doctor and see what level of care that he may need right now.  I'd read a lot about what happens to the brain with dementia.  They aren't going to keep acting normally and have normal conversations.  Their behavior changes and I would prepare myself for much more than his odd comments as his condition progresses.

if Countrymouse is correct and your DH is talking to himself, earplugs are cheap enough.

My father-in-law's hallucinations (visual and auditory) are becoming more frequent. He can't converse any more.  And his OCD cleaning behavior was beyond irritating. He can't (or won't) take direction or advice from us.  Several times I found him outside waiting for someone to pick him up and take him somewhere.  But at least that was daytime.  In the middle of the night, he was slinking around the house with a golf club in one hand and a flashlight in the other. Very creepy!  So we have started the process for him to go into a care home.  Meanwhile, the doc has prescribed an anti-anxiety med. It has calmed him down a LOT without turning him into a zombie.  We are still going  to move him  along though, as soon as a space is available for him.  We are sad that he has this horrible disease.  But we don't feel guilty that we need our home and our lives back.  We'll have had him living in our home for 3 years by the time he is placed.    That is long enough.

I had my mother prescribed something for anxiety. It helped a lot.
Also, if nothing I say to soothe her helps... I walk away and let her mutter and complain to herself, which she seems just fine with. And I don't feel a bit guilty. lol.

I can't let my mother watch the news anymore because she has no sense of geography and every story is a crisis that is right outside our door.

She insisted I call the kids in rom outside because a black bear had been spotted (150 miles away).

Lock the doors, there is a rapist in the area.

And the latest...totally freaked out the other night about what we were going to do when the Syrians breach our boarders and try to attack us in our rural home.

And she does not just mention these stories. She dwells on them for hours, sometimes days. There is no logical answers that will convince her that her fears are unwarranted. I just try to reassure her that she is safe and wait for the next distraction.

It is really stressful to have a spouse with dementia, isn't it? And you may reach a point where it really will be better for both of you for him to be in a care facility. You can be his loving wife and visit him, and others can handle the day-to-day care.

But until you are ready for that, try to follow Carerick's example and don't let his gibberish upset you. And BarbBrooklyn is right that drugs can sometimes help. Is he on any? Perhaps a dosage change is in order.

It sounds like he is having delusions that worry him. That is quite common in dementia, but that is little consolation. Reassure him and then redirect him if you possibly can. "I'll take care of that. It will be all right. For now I'm going to have a brownie and some coffee. Will you join me?"

It is best not to argue. If he says "There are bats upstairs!"
not helpful: "We don't have an upstairs!"
better: "OK, I'll call the exterminator to set some traps. Will you help me deadhead the flowers in the front yard?"

It varies from person to person, but often they won't remember or follow up. If he does, and asks "When are the exterminators coming," again be reassuring and try to redirect the conversation. "They were here while you were napping yesterday and they set some traps. They'll be back in a few days to collect them. I'm sure glad you told me about them. ... Did you see in today's paper that the bar we used to go to is now an historic landmark? They are going to restore it to its former glory! Let's get the paper and look at the pictures."

As for the talking constantly without making sense .. nod, give vague indication that you are listening, like "mmm." And try to get away from it as much as you can. Leave the room. Listen to music on headphones. Put some music on that he likes -- maybe too loud for conversation.

This is a very tough role! Some days you do feel like you are going crazy. I assure you that when all this is over you will be sane. You can get through this! And keep firmly in mind that when it gets to be too much that there is no shame in finding an appropriate care center for him.

Also, get some respite! Taking breaks goes a long way toward retaining sanity!

One role the caregiver takes on in dementia is keeping the patient calm. You may develop a series of calming statements and use them (over and over). Depends upon the situation, of course but 'let's not worry about that now. Remember 'trusted friend' is taking care of that.' Or, 'I spoke with the police and they siad they solved that problem. Etc etc.
You might read the information on the alzheimers website (it also deals with other dementias) and they have many ideas there for such issues.
In addition, arrange for some time off for yourself. It renews your spirit and allows you to face each new day.
Good luck.

Does he insist you participate? Or is he talking to himself? I'm just wondering what would happen if you sort of tuned him out, as one does with background music.

Is he on any psychiatric meds for agitation or Depression? You might do well having him seen by a geriatric psychiatrist who can prescribe or adjust medications.

I like to think of dementia ( which my mom has) as "broken brain syndrome". Just as with a broken limb, the broken brain is still partially functional, but the most important parts (logic, reasoning, being in " this" reality) are gone. Sometimes that results in agitation and upset. Meds can sometimes help.

My wife does the same thing. Can't win the argument. The only answer is I know the actors and the story. No need my getting upset over it. My best answers are no and it will be better tomorrow. : ))