I also sold my house it was just too big. I live in NC he lives in Buffalo. I still have not found a house. If I mention any type of help he won't have it. No strangers. He is a very needy person. Some days I'm okay with him living with me, others not so much. He wants me to live with him. That will not happen my family is in N.C. It makes me feel guilty. I am just starting to get my life back in order. I lost my husband suddenly. Any suggestion on how to handle him getting him to make up his mind. I have a brother who is out of the picture. I also have a sister but she still works and has her own issues. My dad does not always listen to me about his meds. One other thing while I am looking for a home I am living with my son. He says we could live with him but with my dad it would be a disaster. He thinks he is head of house meaning telling you about how you do things raising kids or just going to store after dark. Any suggestion would be great. Sometimes I feel selfish because I'm just starting to get my life back. Just yesterday he told me if I would come live with him he would pay $200.00 a month. I told him no. I do come back to Buffalo to help him out. Thank you for any advice.
Look, you really DO have to put yourself first. Your whole life is still off balance. You are in no position to be somebody else's mainstay. Not now.
What would your father's plans have been if your life had not changed and he wasn't including you in them? See if you can help him pick up from there again.
But keep your own plans separate. It is early days, but have you been able to think about where YOU would like to live and what YOU would like to do?
Your later working years and early retirement are not going to be how you planned, and I'm sure losing your husband was devastating. But that doesn't mean that you can't still look forward to a different future. Please keep in touch and let us know your thoughts.
I'm sorry about the loss of your husband.
Your life is still at sixes & sevens. Do not let fear, obligation or guilt make your life choices for you!!!
Tell your Dad neither of you is living with the other. Not in his house, not in your house. No waffling, no maybes, no wait & see. Just say NO!!! And keep saying NO. Keep saying NO to any situation or suggestion that is not right for you.
When the timing is right you will know when you are ready to say YES to what life is offering you.
Am sending hugs & positive vibes your way!
Take it from me, mom lives with me since 2005, age 93, it is HARD! Don't take on that responsibility if your heart is telling you not to. Won't be good for either of you. Support him as much as you can, but don't give up your entire life for him.
Just be honest and firm with Dad. Say to him " Dad you need to listen". I am sorry but you cannot come here to live. At this point I am trying to get my life together and I am sure what ever I decide I will be staying in NC. This is where my family, friends and life are. You need to make decisions concerning your care. I will be glad to come up and help you look for a nice AL. You won't have to worry about anything. You will have a nice room, 3 meals a day, activities. The house is going to get too much. You have no one to help you with it. You don't need to decide this now, but think about it.
I will give you a negative about him moving to NC. I have found with the elderly people I have known, that when children ask them to move to another state with them, the people die within the year. Yes, some have health problems but I really think moving them away from what they know is a shock to their systems. You are taking them away from what is familiar. Friends, Church their social life. One woman was moving from NJ to Vegas to be near a daughter. She had a stroke on the way and died shortly after. He is better where he is, finding the resources to help him.
Living with him you are going to be his little girl and that is how you will be treated. And, you will have to try and make a life in basically in strange place. If he lives with you, can you set boundries? Can you make him understand, your house your rules. Then its a senior caring for another senior. And then its adjusting to living with someone you haven't lived with in 40 yrs. Two adults now. Both set in their ways, him even more so.
I prayed Dad would go before Mom, he did have a number of health problems. I would never have moved him in with me, my husband wouldn't have allowed it anyway. My Dad had no respect for other peoples belongings. He was a King of his Castle and Mom catered to him. I wouldn't have. Nor would I have physically took care of him. Mom had to make him shower and change clothes. She was constantly cleaning up his accidents in the bathroom. I hate to clean and once I do I want it kept that way. I don't clean up after my husband (his Mom trained him right) and I wouldn't have cleaned up after my father. He would have been in LTC where he could tell his stories to new people. Really, he would have loved it.
You can give him all the reasons in the world and he'll probably do "yes, but..." So keep it simple - "No, I couldn't possibly do that". You're not being selfish - you're being a functional adult.
Help your dad sell his house and use the proceeds to pay for a unit for himself in a retirement community in Buffalo. There are plenty of retirement villages in and around Buffalo.
Your father is pressuring you and that is unfair. He may not be aware that he is taking advantage of a sensitive time in your life. Unfortunately, many old people become self-centered and unrealistic (I had to laugh at his $200 a month offer).
From North Carolina, start researching retirement villages and inquiring about units and cost. Make a list of the ones you want to visit by yourself the next time you're visiting your dad. Take your dad to tour and have lunch at the ones that make your final list.
From North Carolina, you also can make contact with a realtor in Buffalo. It's time for your dad to downsize. It's already mid-March and the best homes go up for sale early in the spring. A realtor can help you determine if that can get done this spring or to prepare for next spring. Once your dad is settled, perhaps you will feel a little less burdened and future plans for yourself may unfold more organically. Mourning and grief cannot be rushed.
You have my deepest sympathy on the devastating loss of your husband.
Tell him you have a LIFE in NC and do not want to move. He can't argue with you saying you don't want to do something. That $200 stipend offer was hysterical.
There is nothing wrong with telling him that you don't want to spend your golden years cleaning up after him. I would use that if he tries to guilt you into caring for him. Assure him you will help him find care but it won't be you doing it.
You have no reason to feel guilty, you want a life. That is completely normal. You have said it all, your dad will make a mess of it.
He can move into an assisted living facility and get the support he needs while you remain his daughter. This is acceptable and not one person can say different.
Read this forum and see how hard it gets and you will know that not becoming his caregiver is the smartest thing you will ever do.
You are just getting your life back together. It may be good for your Father but bad for you. Too much tension and stress - a recipe for disaster. You have a perfect out - even though you do not have to explain yourself.
You have nothing to feel guilty about - coming from a frequent guilt-trip traveler like myself.
Hope this helps.
Any additional insights would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for your previous input - it was so helpful.
What I find so interesting and frustrating about an elder parent is that in no way will they accept help coming to their home or going to live in AL but by golly they will impose on their own children. So basically it’s fine for him to put his foot down. Guess what...you’re an adult and it’s fine to put your foot down. And doing so is not wrong so you have no reason for guilt. What I expect you feel is this "societal norm" to feel like it’s your duty. You are still going to be grieving for years as you roller coaster through this massive life change. Tell your father you are not in a position to have him live with you nor you with him. End of sentence. But that you are willing to help as you can from a distance. If he wants to move into a nice AL near you then you will help with that.
Sending hugs as you deal with your decision and realize you have as much right to boundaries as he does.
Make boundaries that suit you so you are still assisting him but he is not making all the rules. If he does not want strangers or help he will need to live with consequences of that. He will try to wear you down to getting his own way all on his terms. I had similar situation with my Father now in care facility.
He asked me out of desperation if I would go and live with him after years of him hinting. I said no as I had a life to lead and also that he will never compromise and wants his own way. He was not happy and still blames me for where he is. To look after him at home would now be impossible but he is in denial and still believes he will go home some day. Stay strong and firm .You can still be kind. Good luck with this
It clearly won't work for Dad to live with everyone if he is going to persist the way his personality is...and he is clueless as far as his allowance to you. That doesn't barely cover a day of private hire. Don't feel guilty. You are still young, grieving, and have life left to live. Contact the area agency on aging in Buffalo an provide him with the some resources.
Buffalo's cost of living is 82/100 meaning it's cheaper than the US average. North Carolina as a whole is 96/100 meaning it's more expensive than Buffalo. That also means that, if you sell his house, he will have fewer proceeds to pay for assisted living in North Carolina as compared to Buffalo.
Another thing to consider is does he have friends and family in Buffalo? Old people need to be around their peers. Find out if any of his old buddies or neighbors are now living in a retirement village in Buffalo.
Very few people go willingly to assited living but it may be his best option. Mom tried it out for 3 weeks and made the choice her self. She has her cleaning and laundry done, meds administered, meals prepared, help with bathing, safety monitoring, etc.
You cant pay for this kind if help in home. Consider that the staff of an ASF goes home after a 6-8 hour shift, if he lives with you you are on-call 24-7 and never reallly get a chance to relax. Its like having a toddler again!
Call A Place for Mom and talk to a councilor about finding a place for him, they were a huge hepl to me. We toured several places, at meals there, talked to residents and staff. Ultimately it was Mom who made the choice. Its not perfect but she is taking her meds as ordered, eating well, and has a choice of activities.
Be firm and tell Dad his choices dont include living with you.
Jerry Hansen
Elder Law attorney
Carlsbad, CA
From reading your words, I feel you already know that you don’t want your father living with you. You still haven’t figured out your own future direction so why take him on
if you were his son and not his daughter would he be asking? Why do people assume that the woman will drop everything, give up their plans and devote their life to caring?
Is your father having financial troubles or other worries. Perhaps you and your son go and see him to find out what might really be going on. As I always say be assertive not aggressive. Be strong and don’t give in. I am sure there are alternatives that would work
I write asking you:
How do you feel day in and day out:
Waking up to coffee with your Dad.
Prompting him to take his medication.
Asking him for $200 per month.
Tidying the home.
A role in his monthly or weekly Doctors and hospital's appiontments.
Having free unlimited contact with your children.
Just to let you know: I just had a month from having a break from caring for my husband for a month. We are both only 52 years old. I love and care for my husband. One continued sticky point with caring for him is he is not good from just having a one on one intamite friendship with me.
But the good outweighs the bad. Hugely.
Mum is 77 years old. Because of my huge role of caring for my darling husband there is no way I would be able to care for her in the years to come. She is:
Demanding.
Needy.
Very bad with managing her money.
Lies.
I'm asking you what do you think will be in the balance. Will the good outweigh the bad?