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I also sold my house it was just too big. I live in NC he lives in Buffalo. I still have not found a house. If I mention any type of help he won't have it. No strangers. He is a very needy person. Some days I'm okay with him living with me, others not so much. He wants me to live with him. That will not happen my family is in N.C. It makes me feel guilty. I am just starting to get my life back in order. I lost my husband suddenly. Any suggestion on how to handle him getting him to make up his mind. I have a brother who is out of the picture. I also have a sister but she still works and has her own issues. My dad does not always listen to me about his meds. One other thing while I am looking for a home I am living with my son. He says we could live with him but with my dad it would be a disaster. He thinks he is head of house meaning telling you about how you do things raising kids or just going to store after dark. Any suggestion would be great. Sometimes I feel selfish because I'm just starting to get my life back. Just yesterday he told me if I would come live with him he would pay $200.00 a month. I told him no. I do come back to Buffalo to help him out. Thank you for any advice.

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It's only one year since your entire future was upended, through no doing of yours. Be fair to yourself. Something very like this happened to my daughter's future mother in law, eighteen months ago, and she too is still only now finding her feet again.

Look, you really DO have to put yourself first. Your whole life is still off balance. You are in no position to be somebody else's mainstay. Not now.

What would your father's plans have been if your life had not changed and he wasn't including you in them? See if you can help him pick up from there again.

But keep your own plans separate. It is early days, but have you been able to think about where YOU would like to live and what YOU would like to do?

Your later working years and early retirement are not going to be how you planned, and I'm sure losing your husband was devastating. But that doesn't mean that you can't still look forward to a different future. Please keep in touch and let us know your thoughts.
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You already know that living with your dad would not be a good idea. You just need to learn to say "NO, that won't work for me". It doesn't mean that you are abandoning him. You have the right to live the life you want to live now - and find your way without your husband. I'm sure your plans have radically changed after the sudden loss of your husband. Take time and take care of yourself.

I'm sorry about the loss of your husband.
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I am so very very sorry for the loss of your husband!!! This has been an incredibly difficult time for you & it is hard to see what to do going forward. Take all the time you need to heal spiritually & emotionally.
Your life is still at sixes & sevens. Do not let fear, obligation or guilt make your life choices for you!!!
Tell your Dad neither of you is living with the other. Not in his house, not in your house. No waffling, no maybes, no wait & see. Just say NO!!! And keep saying NO. Keep saying NO to any situation or suggestion that is not right for you.
When the timing is right you will know when you are ready to say YES to what life is offering you.
Am sending hugs & positive vibes your way!
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So sorry about losing your husband. That is a good reason that you shouldn't consider moving your dad in with you. You are grieving! Not a good time to make life changing decisions.

Take it from me, mom lives with me since 2005, age 93, it is HARD! Don't take on that responsibility if your heart is telling you not to. Won't be good for either of you. Support him as much as you can, but don't give up your entire life for him.
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I am, too, sorry for the loss of your husband. I have a friend whose husband passed Oct, 2018. She has not hibernated, she says he wouldn't have wanted it. She is involved in our Church. But, she is just starting to feel that she is ready to move on. But she isn't rushing it.

Just be honest and firm with Dad. Say to him " Dad you need to listen". I am sorry but you cannot come here to live. At this point I am trying to get my life together and I am sure what ever I decide I will be staying in NC. This is where my family, friends and life are. You need to make decisions concerning your care. I will be glad to come up and help you look for a nice AL. You won't have to worry about anything. You will have a nice room, 3 meals a day, activities. The house is going to get too much. You have no one to help you with it. You don't need to decide this now, but think about it.

I will give you a negative about him moving to NC. I have found with the elderly people I have known, that when children ask them to move to another state with them, the people die within the year. Yes, some have health problems but I really think moving them away from what they know is a shock to their systems. You are taking them away from what is familiar. Friends, Church their social life. One woman was moving from NJ to Vegas to be near a daughter. She had a stroke on the way and died shortly after. He is better where he is, finding the resources to help him.

Living with him you are going to be his little girl and that is how you will be treated. And, you will have to try and make a life in basically in strange place. If he lives with you, can you set boundries? Can you make him understand, your house your rules. Then its a senior caring for another senior. And then its adjusting to living with someone you haven't lived with in 40 yrs. Two adults now. Both set in their ways, him even more so.

I prayed Dad would go before Mom, he did have a number of health problems. I would never have moved him in with me, my husband wouldn't have allowed it anyway. My Dad had no respect for other peoples belongings. He was a King of his Castle and Mom catered to him. I wouldn't have. Nor would I have physically took care of him. Mom had to make him shower and change clothes. She was constantly cleaning up his accidents in the bathroom. I hate to clean and once I do I want it kept that way. I don't clean up after my husband (his Mom trained him right) and I wouldn't have cleaned up after my father. He would have been in LTC where he could tell his stories to new people. Really, he would have loved it.
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Riverdale Mar 2019
I am sure you can be correct. My mother is already in her third year of having moved away. She bounces back over and over.
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Jm, I'm sorry for your loss - you're starting this next chapter pretty young. I guess if there's something good in it all, it's that you are still young enough and have the health to create a good life for yourself. But it's all so new yet, and you need time. Your father's request that you uproot yourself and move is not reasonable. Equally unreasonable would be if he decided he should move in with you.

You can give him all the reasons in the world and he'll probably do "yes, but..." So keep it simple - "No, I couldn't possibly do that". You're not being selfish - you're being a functional adult.
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In my opinion, no one should take on the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority. Do you have durable power of attorney (financial and medical) for your dad? If not, getting his paperwork in order - POA, living will, will - is your first step.

Help your dad sell his house and use the proceeds to pay for a unit for himself in a retirement community in Buffalo. There are plenty of retirement villages in and around Buffalo.

Your father is pressuring you and that is unfair. He may not be aware that he is taking advantage of a sensitive time in your life. Unfortunately, many old people become self-centered and unrealistic (I had to laugh at his $200 a month offer).

From North Carolina, start researching retirement villages and inquiring about units and cost. Make a list of the ones you want to visit by yourself the next time you're visiting your dad. Take your dad to tour and have lunch at the ones that make your final list.

From North Carolina, you also can make contact with a realtor in Buffalo. It's time for your dad to downsize. It's already mid-March and the best homes go up for sale early in the spring. A realtor can help you determine if that can get done this spring or to prepare for next spring. Once your dad is settled, perhaps you will feel a little less burdened and future plans for yourself may unfold more organically. Mourning and grief cannot be rushed.

You have my deepest sympathy on the devastating loss of your husband.
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Do you really want to spend the next several years of your ADULT life being treated like a child under your father's roof? Even I get chills thinking about it.

Tell him you have a LIFE in NC and do not want to move. He can't argue with you saying you don't want to do something. That $200 stipend offer was hysterical.

There is nothing wrong with telling him that you don't want to spend your golden years cleaning up after him. I would use that if he tries to guilt you into caring for him. Assure him you will help him find care but it won't be you doing it.
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No, is a complete sentence.

You have no reason to feel guilty, you want a life. That is completely normal. You have said it all, your dad will make a mess of it.

He can move into an assisted living facility and get the support he needs while you remain his daughter. This is acceptable and not one person can say different.

Read this forum and see how hard it gets and you will know that not becoming his caregiver is the smartest thing you will ever do.
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Just want to say thank you to all of you for your encouraging words. You are,all so right.
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One Word: No.
You are just getting your life back together. It may be good for your Father but bad for you. Too much tension and stress - a recipe for disaster. You have a perfect out - even though you do not have to explain yourself.
You have nothing to feel guilty about - coming from a frequent guilt-trip traveler like myself.
Hope this helps.
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There are some great suggestions around here. And, if you still aren't convinced or still feel guilty, I would keep reading other threads on this site about adult children who have taken their senior parents to come and live with them. MOST of the time, it's not positive. I came from a family where multiple generations lived in one house, but, that's not for everyone and when we did it, no one was needing a caretaker every day. At the time, even my great grandparents weren't very old. I'd seriously think about living with a very needy person, as you describe him, who is 86 years old. That sounds like it might be a job for several shifts of professionals.
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Not selfish. Let that go, please. Look out for him, but that doesn't mean sacrificing your own life. Get your life back. This is so tough, but stay strong and if you do what's best for you, it'll be best for him also.
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I would like to add that I believe at least part of my parent’s refusal to discuss future plans is their long-standing cheapness and reluctance to spend any money which they always brag that they have plenty of. I believe the mindset is that if I bring up the subject of their affairs, then I must want their money. Also, please note that my uninterested brother who visits my parents on the average of every 5 years, lives in the same state that we are planning on moving to - approximately 1,200 miles away. I feel very despondent - as if I am in a no-win situation.

Any additional insights would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for your previous input - it was so helpful.
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I'm so sorry for your recent loss. And it is recent and you said it was also sudden. You are likely still reeling from the shock and it wouldn't be a good time to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life and possibly your dad's. If you can stay with your son a while more and your dad can function with some help for a short time - wait. Give yourself a chance to catch your breath and make some well thought out plans. One thing I would advise is that you don't move your dad in with you if you don't want to be his caretaker. And there is NO shame in that. It is very difficult to care for a person with dementia and it carries it's own guilt when you begin to resent the person for their total reliance on you and your inability to do what you want/need to do. It's okay to be his daughter without being his caretaker.
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Make sure you can live long-term with whatever decision you choose. It will be harder to undo later.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2019
Just being alive isn't living, taking on the care of a dad like she describes would suck the living from her life. He can be well cared for without her giving up her life. Facilities are not a bad choice and offer much more than any home can provide.
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Any grief counselor would tell you not to make major decisions so close to losing your husband. It is too difficult and not a good time. As you said, you are only now getting things to feeling halfway normal.
What I find so interesting and frustrating about an elder parent is that in no way will they accept help coming to their home or going to live in AL but by golly they will impose on their own children. So basically it’s fine for him to put his foot down. Guess what...you’re an adult and it’s fine to put your foot down. And doing so is not wrong so you have no reason for guilt. What I expect you feel is this "societal norm" to feel like it’s your duty. You are still going to be grieving for years as you roller coaster through this massive life change. Tell your father you are not in a position to have him live with you nor you with him. End of sentence. But that you are willing to help as you can from a distance. If he wants to move into a nice AL near you then you will help with that.
Sending hugs as you deal with your decision and realize you have as much right to boundaries as he does.
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I'm.also 62 and alternate care of my 90 year old mom with my sister. 3 days a week. It is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. You WILL become his caregiver as he ages and it's not easy. My mom declined within a year, needing help with everything. I have to shower her, help her change depends when she has accidents, help her dress, make her meals. Its physically and mentally exhausting. Be prepared to give up your independence. If you have doubt, then find another way. That's not selfish. I wish I would have. We love our parents and want them to have the best. But we are not all cut out to be caregivers of an elderly person. It IS hard.
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gdaughter Mar 2019
Just wanted to send a hug. I'm your age, and so tired, and my plate is not quite as full as what you need to do, but could so easily. I work as well, and lots is mental exhaustion.
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I personally would not move. Especially from a warm climate to Buffalo! I had thought about doing the same thing, but my mom went into assisted living and we are both better off. She gets very nasty at times and I would have literally been a prisoner in my own home. Also, their dementia can worsen very quickly, and then what do you do? I do not have any brothers or sisters, so everything would have fallen on me, which it sounds like would be the case for you too! All I can say is stand your ground, pray a lot, and try to be strong. ;)
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Don't do it. You have your own life to live and adjusting to a major change in your life at the moment. Your Dads health will get worse and will be more difficult for you.
Make boundaries that suit you so you are still assisting him but he is not making all the rules. If he does not want strangers or help he will need to live with consequences of that. He will try to wear you down to getting his own way all on his terms. I had similar situation with my Father now in care facility.
He asked me out of desperation if I would go and live with him after years of him hinting. I said no as I had a life to lead and also that he will never compromise and wants his own way. He was not happy and still blames me for where he is. To look after him at home would now be impossible but he is in denial and still believes he will go home some day. Stay strong and firm .You can still be kind. Good luck with this
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Well..at first I thought maybe he thought he'd be helping you dealing the loss, providing some household income. But he wants YOU to move back to Buffalo? Like so many of us, writing it down, it makes the answers so much more obvious. He has a personality type that would make it an immense challenge to deal with. You will be the one burdened no matter where he is, but it will no doubt be worse if you are in the same town. You've clearly been through enough. I'd think long and hard before making this offer, but beyond saying no, since you sound like you have support/family and want to remain in NC, you might suggest he could move down to NC as well. That is an amusing thought to me in my own circumstances: My sister took off to get away from being annoyed by our parents (and possibly me?), responsibilities to them and moved south. I always wonder how she'd deal with it if we announced we were moving close to her. But she can be pretty sure that isn't happening since I can't tolerate heat and humidity. But if you did that, you'd risk Dad living very close by.
It clearly won't work for Dad to live with everyone if he is going to persist the way his personality is...and he is clueless as far as his allowance to you. That doesn't barely cover a day of private hire. Don't feel guilty. You are still young, grieving, and have life left to live. Contact the area agency on aging in Buffalo an provide him with the some resources.
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I don't know how Medicaid works but many on this forum do and have been through it for their parents. Moving him from New York where he paid taxes to North Carolina where he didn't, doesn't sound sensible to me should he ever need Medicaid. Medicaid is 50/50 federal/state. Medicaid in New York is different than Medicaid in North Carolina.

Buffalo's cost of living is 82/100 meaning it's cheaper than the US average. North Carolina as a whole is 96/100 meaning it's more expensive than Buffalo. That also means that, if you sell his house, he will have fewer proceeds to pay for assisted living in North Carolina as compared to Buffalo.

Another thing to consider is does he have friends and family in Buffalo? Old people need to be around their peers. Find out if any of his old buddies or neighbors are now living in a retirement village in Buffalo.
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Be gentle but No...its time for you to live your life...not take on another...living project. Tell thanks but no thanks you're just fine and want to live your life and do things you wanted to do now.
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anonymous744677 Mar 2019
That’s just selfish
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DONT DO IT! I love my mom but 6 weeks of her living with me was enough for both of us. Your words show your reluctance to do this.

Very few people go willingly to assited living but it may be his best option. Mom tried it out for 3 weeks and made the choice her self. She has her cleaning and laundry done, meds administered, meals prepared, help with bathing, safety monitoring, etc.

You cant pay for this kind if help in home. Consider that the staff of an ASF goes home after a 6-8 hour shift, if he lives with you you are on-call 24-7 and never reallly get a chance to relax. Its like having a toddler again!

Call A Place for Mom and talk to a councilor about finding a place for him, they were a huge hepl to me. We toured several places, at meals there, talked to residents and staff. Ultimately it was Mom who made the choice. Its not perfect but she is taking her meds as ordered, eating well, and has a choice of activities.

Be firm and tell Dad his choices dont include living with you.
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When my widowed mother was 83, she was beginning to fail, so we invited her to move from FL to an independent living facility near us.  She accepted, since most of her friends and relatives in FL had passed on.  In the next seven years, her decline continued and she progressed from independent living to assisted living to Skilled Nursing (and finally supported by Medicaid).  I am so grateful to God that we did so, since those were precious years, even though difficult at times.  Guilt worsens if we don't respond and then lose our parent, but there are many ways to respond in a loving way.  If your dad was a military Veteran, there may be other resources available, such as State Veterans Homes or a Veterans pension to help with expenses. 
Jerry Hansen
Elder Law attorney
Carlsbad, CA
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Hi. You are at a very vulnerable time right now. Your emotions are all over the place This is not the time to be making big life altering decisions
From reading your words, I feel you already know that you don’t want your father living with you. You still haven’t figured out your own future direction so why take him on
if you were his son and not his daughter would he be asking? Why do people assume that the woman will drop everything, give up their plans and devote their life to caring?
Is your father having financial troubles or other worries. Perhaps you and your son go and see him to find out what might really be going on. As I always say be assertive not aggressive. Be strong and don’t give in. I am sure there are alternatives that would work
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Hi, How are you today ? I actually live in Australia but just got back from being a month in San Fransisco.

I write asking you:

How do you feel day in and day out:

Waking up to coffee with your Dad.
Prompting him to take his medication.
Asking him for $200 per month.
Tidying the home.
A role in his monthly or weekly Doctors and hospital's appiontments.
Having free unlimited contact with your children.

Just to let you know: I just had a month from having a break from caring for my husband for a month. We are both only 52 years old. I love and care for my husband. One continued sticky point with caring for him is he is not good from just having a one on one intamite friendship with me.

But the good outweighs the bad. Hugely.

Mum is 77 years old. Because of my huge role of caring for my darling husband there is no way I would be able to care for her in the years to come. She is:

Demanding.
Needy.
Very bad with managing her money.
Lies.


I'm asking you what do you think will be in the balance. Will the good outweigh the bad?
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No doubt everyone of us has heard the statement that no one should make ANY big decision when they've just been devastated by the loss of a LO, in this case your DH. In no way are you in any "right frame of mind" to suggest that dad live with you as you're in the grieving process.
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There are lots of good answers here. One thought were you aware that you can receive your husbands social security until you retire? Some people don’t know that. I’d find out about that and spend at least 2 years getting your life together before considering helping others.
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I am sorry about your husband and your life being so much in upheaval. I have ONE WORD OF ADVICE - DO N O T LET YOUR FATHER LIVE WITH YOU. Your life, aside for a few good moments, here and there, will become hell. You are an adult. You would be subjected to being controlled, manipulated and used to provide full-time care for your father. You have a son, you had a big loss, you are 62 years old and not getting any younger. You have a chance now to start on a new life and live doing things that make you happy. Your son may one day decide to leave and you will be burdened with caring for your father and find it is too late for YOU. Find a solution as to what to do with him - put him somewhere safe - but do not think for a second it would work if you allow him to be in your home. Don't do it. Your turn to live life is NOW.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2019
Permme, no it's not. You can have your opinion, so you should allow others theirs.
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