She was in a nursing home for over a year and was release with the assistance of an aide. Our mother is in a nursing home in another state so I am the only relative she has. She has never married and doesn't have any children. I work 40 hours a week as does my husband. We are busy with work, raising our son and other things that need to be taken care of. I am completely exhausted on the weekends from work, grocery shopping, house work and other things. I rarely visit my sister because I am tired and I don't want to spend my free time at someone else's house. I feel that others including my sister are judging me because I don't do more for her. I don't what I am supposed to do in this situation. I have my own life to take care. I feel terrible that she had a stroke, but am I expected to put my life on hold because of her situation?
She knew she had no spouse, no children, and no likely family members who could be her caregivers. Yet she didn't make plans to take care of herself. Instead she wants you to give up your precious time, your family happenings, and tasks and recreation for her now. Don't. It's not required.
I'm very sorry she's in this position. No one would want to be there. Wouldn't it be nice if she'd planned better? Like living in a continuum-of-care community before she had the stroke, with everything in place for her to move into the facility's memory care or assisted living if she had a catastrophic illness?
We all could plan better. More of us should do it. I hope you can put your family life ahead of her neediness. You're entitled to do that.
You owe your sister nothing. Her stroke is not your fault. Your family is #1. Your job is priority too. A teenage son...you are probably taking him everywhere. And you have a right to be there to see him play sports. You can't be there for everyone. If your sister complains tell her there are only so many hours in a day. You spend at least 10 hrs getting ready for work, traveling to work and working. By the time you get home grab something to eat, clean up then sit down you have just a couple hrs with your family and its time for bed. This is your life 5 days a week. Weekends its laundry, grocery shopping, errands and taking son where he needs to go. It becomes very hard to visit anyone. And IMO, your Mom trumps your sister. Don't let anyone guilt you. You just don't have the time. Its what it is.
Your sister needs to put some (actually a lot of) effort into creating her own life, within her abilities and with her own interests. It might be good to quit feeling guilty yourself, and put some pressure on her to find out what activities she can organise for herself. ‘Tough love’ may be the best thing you can do for her.
You think you are being judged, or has someone actually said something about it to you?
If no one has overtly said anything to you, then ignore your feeling and go about your life. It's your own internal guilt at play. Yet you're doing nothing wrong. You can certainly grieve for your sister's condition, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't cause her problem and you can't fix it. And, you are not responsible for her happiness.
What YOU think of YOURSELF is all that matters. If you're content with the situation as it is, then all is well.
If not, make time for your sister.
I am not certain if you are guilting yourself or if others are doing it to/for you, but it hardly matters. You didn't create the strokes and you can't fix them. If you are fond of your sister then I would hope you find ways still to enjoy one another with some outings, visits and etc.
Really, this is just daily living. Everyone goes through these things and makes their own decisions. People will say what they wish and think what they wish. Why would you really care WHAT they say or think? People always have something to say about everything; it's called "normal".
Your ONLY responsibilities are yourself, your husband/marriage and your son. PERIOD, end of sentence.
Who cares if "others" are judging you over you putting your immediate family first? They are just jealous because they don't have the balls to say no to your sister.
If your sister is needing all this extra care then she needs to get herself placed in a nice assisted living facility where she will have the 24/7 care she requires and her family can get back to just being her family and not her overwhelmed caregivers.
So stand your ground, continue putting your immediate family first and don't give it another thought what others think.
Stand your ground and