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She was in a nursing home for over a year and was release with the assistance of an aide. Our mother is in a nursing home in another state so I am the only relative she has. She has never married and doesn't have any children. I work 40 hours a week as does my husband. We are busy with work, raising our son and other things that need to be taken care of. I am completely exhausted on the weekends from work, grocery shopping, house work and other things. I rarely visit my sister because I am tired and I don't want to spend my free time at someone else's house. I feel that others including my sister are judging me because I don't do more for her. I don't what I am supposed to do in this situation. I have my own life to take care. I feel terrible that she had a stroke, but am I expected to put my life on hold because of her situation?

Unfortunately, many people don't prepare for the eventualities of getting sick and being old. Your sister is one of them.

She knew she had no spouse, no children, and no likely family members who could be her caregivers. Yet she didn't make plans to take care of herself. Instead she wants you to give up your precious time, your family happenings, and tasks and recreation for her now. Don't. It's not required.

I'm very sorry she's in this position. No one would want to be there. Wouldn't it be nice if she'd planned better? Like living in a continuum-of-care community before she had the stroke, with everything in place for her to move into the facility's memory care or assisted living if she had a catastrophic illness?

We all could plan better. More of us should do it. I hope you can put your family life ahead of her neediness. You're entitled to do that.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I have recently been wondering where my sister would have been if she had lived. She died almost 30 yrs ago and would be 71 now. My Mom passed 7 yrs ago, just about the time my sister may have retired. She had a disabled son. (who now I oversee, TG he has people ) My sister had a good job with the governent, a pension but no SS. She was bad with money and a lousy housekeeper. She was probably BiPolar but not diagnosed but it runs in the family. I would say her plan may have been to move in with Mom. Moms house had to be sold for tax and Medicaid liens. Nope, I would not have taken her in. We are two completely different people. And I cannot afford to give her money. I have 2 girls and 2 grandsons I feel come first.

You owe your sister nothing. Her stroke is not your fault. Your family is #1. Your job is priority too. A teenage son...you are probably taking him everywhere. And you have a right to be there to see him play sports. You can't be there for everyone. If your sister complains tell her there are only so many hours in a day. You spend at least 10 hrs getting ready for work, traveling to work and working. By the time you get home grab something to eat, clean up then sit down you have just a couple hrs with your family and its time for bed. This is your life 5 days a week. Weekends its laundry, grocery shopping, errands and taking son where he needs to go. It becomes very hard to visit anyone. And IMO, your Mom trumps your sister. Don't let anyone guilt you. You just don't have the time. Its what it is.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Perhaps you should start ‘judging’ your sister. I know several people in wheelchairs, from young men (usually motorbike accidents), up to a man of your age with a very senior job in government. It sounds as though your sister expects a social life to be delivered to her at her home, revolving around her as ‘queen bee’. Your role is supposed to be ‘worker bee’. Sis may find that the other ‘worker bees’ don’t keep it up for the next 30 years, as they age and her novelty value drops off.

Your sister needs to put some (actually a lot of) effort into creating her own life, within her abilities and with her own interests. It might be good to quit feeling guilty yourself, and put some pressure on her to find out what activities she can organise for herself. ‘Tough love’ may be the best thing you can do for her.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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I'm amazed your sister has a home care aide for all the hours she must need her. My older brother's in the same situation, and the county we live in approved him for only 6 hrs a week of county funded care....much of the rest of the caregiving falls on me since my brother will not pay for private visitors. I'm assuming your sister can afford private care, or is she on some kind of hospice care? Not to talk money here, but my point is if your sister can afford that level of homecare, she probably could afford to go into a nice facility with high level patient attention and social amenities she might enjoy, which might be better for you and her. I feel guilty too, so I understand your dilemma. All my visits to my brother's house are out of guilt on my part. My husband's fully disabled and our relationship is suffering as well as my household upkeep since I've let my guilt, and my brother's manipulation get the best of me. Definitely in my case my brother's manipulative and also expects me to pay for all his groceries/food take-out/comfortable clothing, etc. Don't think you have a "financial" issue with your sister, which at least makes that part of the equation easier. Truth be told...you do not owe her anything probably. As far as your guilt goes it sounds like you're looking for permission to do for yourself what you know is best for you, and again, I get that as I feel the same way, only my brother has no other help but me and a mere 6 hrs a week from the county. If he had other help, believe me, I wouldn't be in this pickle so much. In summary, sounds like your sister has the medical assistance and financial independence she needs, you already know what you need to take care of yourself, so give yourself permission.
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Reply to Jannycare
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You can stay in touch with your sister through phone calls and facetime. You could have quick check-ins fairly frequently, or long conversations occasionally, or a combination of both. If she is still not appreciative of that, don't let her guilt-trip you into visiting.
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Reply to MG8522
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"I feel that others including my sister are judging me..."

You think you are being judged, or has someone actually said something about it to you?

If no one has overtly said anything to you, then ignore your feeling and go about your life. It's your own internal guilt at play. Yet you're doing nothing wrong. You can certainly grieve for your sister's condition, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't cause her problem and you can't fix it. And, you are not responsible for her happiness.
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Reply to Geaton777
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What other people think of you is none of your business.

What YOU think of YOURSELF is all that matters. If you're content with the situation as it is, then all is well.

If not, make time for your sister.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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If you aren't really quite fond of your sister, then honestly I don't see her as another "acquaintance" in your life. I was enormously close to my brother. That doesn't mean I would caregive him in his home or in mine. I would not have. I had a job and children as well, a husband. I helped where I could as his POA and Trustee of his trust. I helped him find the ALF he wished to be in which was the one in which his best friend and ex partner already lived. Your Sister is in the same position that anyone without family would be in. She has to avail herself of what is available to her.

I am not certain if you are guilting yourself or if others are doing it to/for you, but it hardly matters. You didn't create the strokes and you can't fix them. If you are fond of your sister then I would hope you find ways still to enjoy one another with some outings, visits and etc.

Really, this is just daily living. Everyone goes through these things and makes their own decisions. People will say what they wish and think what they wish. Why would you really care WHAT they say or think? People always have something to say about everything; it's called "normal".
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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No of course you're NOT expected to put you life on hold for your sister, nor is she your responsibility.
Your ONLY responsibilities are yourself, your husband/marriage and your son. PERIOD, end of sentence.
Who cares if "others" are judging you over you putting your immediate family first? They are just jealous because they don't have the balls to say no to your sister.
If your sister is needing all this extra care then she needs to get herself placed in a nice assisted living facility where she will have the 24/7 care she requires and her family can get back to just being her family and not her overwhelmed caregivers.
So stand your ground, continue putting your immediate family first and don't give it another thought what others think.

Stand your ground and
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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