I am having difficulty with my husband being very grabby and clingy. He’s also very fidgety. For instance when I sit down with him he’ll tap my leg and squeeze my hand compulsively and it’s very, very uncomfortable. He’ll slap my backside (lightly) when I walk by. I find this humiliating & he’ll do it in front of our adult kids. He stands in front me in thresholds and stands very close to me in the kitchen, etc. In bed he’s like an octopus. You get the picture. I’m getting very sick of this behavior. When he approaches me I get into a protective stance. It’s harassment, but I know he does not understand that. Will it get worse? Will he move out of this phase? I feel like it’s been going on a long time but I didn’t know it was due to dementia. I had moved to another room to sleep before I realized he had dementia, but now I’m afraid to leave him alone at night. Any thoughts or suggestions appreciated. I hope you're all having a good weekend.
I would get over being humiliated by his behavior and hopefully your adult children are grown up enough to understand the reality of their dad's condition.
I would move back to my own room. Thing always seem to be changing with dementia, but not overnight. He could stay like this for much longer than you're going to like - or it could start changing a month from now (or some other random timeframe).
Do you have any caregivers? If not, I would work on getting some ASAP. You need a break from this. It is a lot to deal with. Especially the always being in your personal space. That would be really hard for me to deal with. He may not like it if you bring people in but that's OK. He may end up enjoying the new people - my mom did. They have ways of working with people to get more cooperation than I could ever dream of.
I had a great weekend, thanks for the well wishes. I hate to ask how yours was because I think your post pretty much summed up how all your days are going. I'm sorry for your situation.
Best of luck.
I appreciate all the replies. It was just time for me to vent about the shadowing & agitated behaviors b/c I realized how taxing it has become for me. I have thought that he might benefit from other caretakers as a change of pace but he doesn’t realize he’s sick & there’s a shortage of PCAs in my area. That being said, it’s worth it to start looking. I need to get some financial help to pay for help, which is on my to do list. I think I can tell him the helper is more of a housekeeper & he’d buy that.
The touching, grabbing should also diminish with medication.
You do not mention that he gets grabby with others but this might happen. It might be a concern if it continues and you have to have caregivers come in and help you.
Reassure him that you love him and be gentle but firm in allowing him to hold hands or in touching.
Thank you for your suggestions and support. I try to to be kind but firm. The worst is at night when I am sleeping & he’s grabbing in his sleep. I think sleeping separately is on the horizon with some of the suggestions others have made. Thanks!
I'm not trying to make you feel bad but maybe try to lighten up if you can. Things could be worse in my opinion. Some wives would love physical contact and attention and instead they get nothing.
Would he stay put at night?
Does he need supervision or assistance to get out of bed for the bathroom?
That would make it harder..
Sensor lights in bedroom & bathroom to add safety? Maybe a baby monitor or bed alarm to notify you before he gets up completely?
I would also raise the 'handsy' issue with his Doctor (see if meds could be appropriate) & also call an Alz info line for more ideas.
Your quality sleep is so important. Without it, everything gets worse.
So it’s gonna be a little complicated. For his own safety he doesn’t really wander yet. I can certainly get sensor lights and a baby monitor. Those are good ideas. A friend suggested a Ring system for the door that lets off an alarm when the door is opened. Again, he’s not quite at the wandering stage but I realize anything can happen overnight (no pun intended). I can see behavior that could contribute or lead to wandering like him forgetting what he’s doing and going in circles.
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=shadowing
I used a monitor for Mom but...I had to put it out in the hall because she snored and having it by my bed...I couldn't sleep. I had it loud enough that I heard her get up. I am a light sleeper. Best thing about her going to an AL was I got a good nights skeep.
You may have to place ur DH at some point. I would see an Elder lawyer at some point about having assets split. His split would go to his care and when almost gone, Medicaid applied for. Once on Medicaid, you become the Community wife, remain in the home, have a car and enough or all of ur monthly income (Social Security and any pension) to live on. I am just giving u the basics an Elder lawyer can explain it all better.
I had to laugh about the baby monitor picking up your mom’s snoring. My husband has mostly stopped snoring (it was really bad) since I’ve been giving him a Pepcid at night. I think I might be a worse snorer now, but he sleeps like a rock!
Thank you again for your response & good advice. I don’t feel so alone!
I can't speak to your level of comfort with his affection, but anything that isn't working for one partner is not working. At 81 I remain very fond of my 82 year old partner, and affection always has its place, but of course this level of interaction would drive me pretty crazy in all truth.
Your husband's neuro-psyc doctor may hopefully have some ideas to try. Ultimately, and over time, only you can decide if you can continue with in-home care, or if indeed it is working well for either of you. I couldn't long go on in this manner, myself.
Please call his doctor and have a chat about all of this. See what med can be added to calm his libido down a bit. If necessary, move him into Memory Care Assisted Living.
Best of luck taking care of not only him, but yourself too. We often get so caught up in taking care of others, we neglect ourselves and thats a bad thing,
Yes, being financially able to continue this for an unknown period of time is worrying, and I don't know what the future holds. I quit work to be a full time caregiver 2 and a half years ago at age 57 so there is no social security or Medicare for me currently. I try to take one day at a time.
For all the caregivers of loved ones with dementia.... On an airplane parents are told to put their oxygen masks on first and then help their children. The same thing applies with caring for your LO with dementia. Take care of yourself first so you can take care of your LO.