I am fed up with my brothers and their selfish and self absorbed ways. My mother has dementia and has been on the decline for the past 2-3 years. She lives alone with my father, they are both in their early eighties, and he is her primary caregiver. He is a simple man that gets confused with new things and changes easily, but once explained, he is fine. I am also a nurse so I am the one they look to for help. Over the past year and 1/2 my mother has needed a lot of things in the house to make life easier, transport chair, raised toiled seat, rails, etc. I am the one that orders the products and my brothers are the ones to help install if needed. She has recently developed a bed sore, and of course I am worried about it. I texted my brothers that I bought something to help and the package will come on Monday (they do not know what it is, it could be a cream for all they know). Then I got snapped back, stating “oh no, not another package” I inquired about the statement and they responded with, pop gets confused when packages arrive at the house. My reply was ok I know but it helps both him and mom, and is fine once he knows how to use it. They responded back saying I have no empathy. That took me by surprise. My feeling is, who is the empathy for? My dad, or them because they need to help him when necessary? Am I not seeing their point? Need help.
You say you order it, have it sent and then your brother's go install, explain and calm dads confusion. I say that you have the easiest part of that whole scenario.
"Oh no, not another package" sounds like someone trying to be smart aleck not nasty.
Being a nurse gives you special insight, but being boots on the ground, hands on help gives them more reality of the situation. I think that you should not cut contact with the individuals that are there physically for your parents without a plan in place for who you will have handling the things that they do. After all you have accepted the responsibility, they are only helping their parents out of love. What would you do with out their hands on help? Because you are responsible. Not trying to be rude, trying to get you to really think about what is going on and how you would deal without them.
While you mean well, you are being selfish and engulfing 3 lives in this caregiving. It isn’t fair for you to send stuff and direct traffic while they are there dealing with 2 older people who clearly are unable to help themseves.
Stating you are ready to “cut ties”? For what reason? Because they dont’ do things exactly when and as you direct? Perhaps you need to look within yourself to see how you are being perceived vs. your intentions.. cutting ties over stuff like this is not the smartest thing you could do. at least the brothers try to help. Cut them off and your life will turn into misery. If possible, need to hire some caregivers for your parents at their home. If your mother has bedsore issues, then your father might need more help than you want to admit. Please step back and do what is right for them AND you/brothers. Even if it means assisted living for Mom.
But let that pass - no, you are not seeing your brothers' point, and you are not putting yourself in either their shoes or your father's shoes, and above all you are not waking up to your mother's real level of care need: a pressure sore developing when she is being cared for is a red flag. Shouldn't happen. It means the care is inadequate.
Would you be able to go and stay with your parents for a week or two? Since your parents chose you as their health care representative, and you have accepted the responsibility, the best thing for you to do would be to visit the front line and have a closer look at how it's all working day to day.
I think it's vital for you to understand where they're at in this care giving process and for them to see where you're at as well. As an RN, you're the 'ear' everyone needs to help them figure out what's happening and the one to place the orders for necessary supplies, not to mention do the research required. That's not something to pooh-pooh away, and they should be respectful & appreciative of your time & input here. By the same token, they are the 'hands on' people dealing with the daily drama and everything else that goes along with elder care for TWO parents. Not easy.
You're each doing your part to create a safe living environment for your parents and should be commended for all that's involved.
Try to see things from your brother's point of view, acknowledge their part in the equation, and move on. Don't cut them out of your life, it's not warranted, in my opinion. Emotions run high during elder care situations of this nature, and the best thing to do is hash it out ALL of you. Together. Let love prevail, and above all, keep your parent's best interest in mind. That will allow you all to work together towards that end.
Best of luck
And these "things" must be very helpful and needed.
But you are not listening "Pop gets confused when packages arrive at the house".
Find a new way to get them what they need.
In your easy chair, dozing off, you hear a ding dong, must ambulate to the front door, what a p a i n ! Please stop confusing the elderly, it is so very confusing enough.
You are a good daughter! Try to listen.
Unless there is a better reason that you are considering cutting ties with your brothers, please reconsider, and wait, study more on relationships. From reading on here, most daughters are thrown into the 24/7 part of hands-on caregiving. Your brother who is hands-on is going to be nominated for sainthood on this forum of caregiving daughters, maybe. (joking, maybe).
Please show some gratitude to them instead of criticizing them. Also, since you are in charge and cannot handle their care then please hire someone to do it. Why should your brothers do it only to hear criticism from you?
Also, consider placing them in a facility to be looked after 365 24/7 so you can put your mind at ease.
Just curious. How often do you get to visit them? It must be hard living far away from them.
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