I am ready to cut ties with my two brothers who live close to my parents. I live out of state but am in charge of their health. Need advice.

This post sort of reminds me of my SIL who has lived 8 hours away for over 35 yrs. Her and brother maybe visited once a year. Their kids, who are grown, didn't even visit their Grandmother before her Dementia got bad. But...she always has her little suggestions from afar. Not really knowing the situation here. Then she gets her back up when u don't agree or want to do it. My family has never been one for Big parties. Birthdays growing up were your favorite dinner and dessert. Maybe an occasional party with friends. Now this SIL raised my disabled nephew. I do not remember in the 11 yrs he lived with her ever mentioned he was given a "party". Maybe a cake the day of? He has lived up here now for 11 years. He was 18 when he moved in with Mom. While living with Mom it was favorite meal and dessert. I would treat him when we went out and give him money. As far as I know SIL has rarely sent him anything and if so, its really late. So, it was his Bday this month. He now is on his own, at 30, with me overseeing. I asked him what he wanted, he said a Walmart gift card. We go to BK weekly and he didn't want to go. If he had, I would have treated him. SIL sends me a message "no Birthday dinner Celebration for P" I said "no he didn't want to go with us tonight. Really, has had no celebration since he has been up here. Just wants the money." Which I have been telling her for years concerning my Mom and him. She refuses to do that and sends something they won't wear or don't need. Believe me, if he was living down there, there would have been no celebration. She couldn't wait to get rid of him. He "was" hard to raise. Her response was "well OK then". I know was said with some sarcasm. She did not send him anything for Christmas or Bday. Says she will be sending him Gift cards. (maybe by Easter) I admit that my nephew has the maturity of a 19 yr old but he is 30. Living on his own with SSD, an annuity and works occasionally for the Arc. He is doing OK. He likes having extra money.

I have gotten to the point she will get mad and she will get glad again.

The original poster has deleted their account.

I can only surmise that they are not reading responses. I think that they did not get the affirmation that they wanted.

I see you have a bunch of responses and advice here, I haven’t read them but wanted to offer my initial thoughts before taking in others. I too live in a different state from my mom, I have a brother who lives about 30 min from her so he is the more hands on, fix stuff caregiver. I too take care of all the business, contact with doctors, ordering medication, ordering things needed for the house or her personal supplies etc, it’s as time consuming as driving the 30 min to fix her phone or toilet, mow the lawn and set up her pills for a week or two and we share the responsibility of checking in with her several times a day both via security camera and “dropping in” via Echo or phone calls. But while we try to give each other breaks and trade off sometimes for days at a time and sometimes weeks but we each still need to cover our “lane” and the truth is my brothers lane can be much more wearing. As he is the one physically in and out of the house, doing her laundry and taking her food shopping he is also the one who gets the most push back, experiences the frustrations and he doesn’t always share that so he can unload the emotional stuff. I get it, I know what it’s like to not have enough energy left to let it out and I know the instinct to keep it to myself too.

My point is while I know I carry my weight in the caregiving I also know that the affects on me are different when I’m in CT and hands on with Mom, just as it’s different when I’m home and doing it from a distance, each has advantages and drawbacks. So maybe as simple as it sounds to you and I who are doing all the work ordering and tracking, the stress it puts on Dad and therefor that puts on brothers is more than we can appreciate. It’s probably built up over time and has nothing to do with having to install anything or the items themselves it’s something about the delivery of packages that makes your dad anxious. My brother asked at one point that I start having mail order meds and other significant stuff sent to his house rather than mom’s. Seemed like extra work to me because it meant he had to remember to transport stuff up to moms, wait for things to arrive before he could go up, just an extra unneeded step but I came to realize mom got nervous when someone came to the door she wasn’t expecting and didn’t know (even if they are just leaving a package) and boxes would get left at different doors all the time, at least 2 of which are never used (flowers I sent for Mother’s Day and Valentines day were discovered months later) so we wouldn’t know packages had come or mom would find a package and then put it away unopened somewhere and not put together that delivery we were looking for might be the package she stuck somewhere. I now have to decide what to deliver where but I get it better now than I did when he first started insisting I send stuff to his house. Maybe it was a timing thing and your brother hasn’t properly explained how disruptive and time consuming it is to calm dad down when packages come but as we all do with people we are close to, he expected you to know and he vented his frustration to the closest safest person around, you. It’s a backhanded compliment about your relationship and level of trust but it is a good thing, I take things out on hubby, it’s not fair but there you have it and he does the same with me. My bro is divorced so I fill some of that space for him too especially around Mom because we are partners in that.

Ask if it would be better if you had things delivered to brothers house so they can then just take it over to parents with them, see what happens. If you can maybe it’s time for a visit so brothers get a break from the day to day and or touch base with each other to talk about any adjustments or future planning you all can do, vent some of the emotional baggage you are each collecting because it’s probably similar. Sometimes just feeling proactive and being reminded you aren’t alone, you are part of a team helps.

If you are in charge of their health care who is in charge of their finances? Does not matter but the POA for finance needs to buy you a plane ticket to go visit your parents. Your father may feel he can handle it but I can assure you, he probably cannot. Take her to ED for bedsore to be evaluated, get her admitted to get it cleaned up and perhaps admitted to SNF til it heals. That gives your father respite and you to figure out what is really going on. I the family nurse, in this case a daughter in law and if I had left my in-laws care to my husband, their son, it would have been a disaster. If she really goes back home, then she needs at least a bath visit couple times a week in inspect her skin and maybe a referral for hospice evaluation. You really have to go and look at this and I suspect that is why you are so frustrated with your brothers.

Lealonnie and Cali,

Well, the very thing that may rub others the wrong way are the very things that I love about the two of you. You don’t flip flop back and forth on your answers. That isn’t helpful. The people who helped me the most were people who were direct. So I thank you for being true to yourself. I am the same. Accept me as I am or walk away which doesn’t bother me. I just want to see someone helped. It doesn’t have to be my answer that they respond to.

Cali, thanks for the information and I couldn’t agree more. Who wants to use their real name? No one is going to do that. That’s crazy and should change. Oh well...

My daughter did woundcare at the NH and now she is a Unit Manager in the woundcare at a local hospital. Thank God the doctor she works with shows her respect. The nurses I worked for where praised about the wound care they gave. Its a talent all on its own.

The best help that I received about a pressure sore was from a home health nurse that led a team at a hospital at one time.

I instantly saw this woman’s leadership abilities and experience in wound care.

She was smart! She had to deal with cocky residents at the hospital where she worked for many years who were rude to her, thinking they were above her. She would try to teach them how to treat wounds.

The residents were offended and told her to butt out. She wisely let them try to figure it out on their own and told them if they needed her they were welcome to ask her. What an intelligent but humble person. I truly admired her. She said that after awhile they would ask for her help but didn’t have the decency to apologize for their rude behavior. Still, she was a professional and truly cared for her patient and always helped the residents when asked to assist them.

Anyway, she knew exactly how to treat any pressure sore that mom had. My mom had one very low on her butt that I could not see, even when I bathed her because she told me to let her bathe private areas which I respected.

Mom hid the fact that she had sores which upset me. I did not want her to be embarrassed or scared. Mom had fear about things. She had pride and did not want to ask for help if she was embarrassed. Kind of sad.

The nurse placed a special bandage with medication on it. She also placed a certain barrier gel around the sore. The sore began to heal. This nurse knew exactly how to treat it.

I received more help from her than anyone about mom, even the doctors. Nurses will sometimes have more hands on experience than doctors and can be a patients and caregiver’s best friend.

Some posters have resorted to being anonymous after being taunted, ridiculed or harrassed by undesirables (a/k/a trolls).

Riverdale and need help, these anonymous IDs with a long string of numbers are the result of the poster deleting their account. The OP originally posted under a normal ID and so did the other anonymous ID you both just replied to. On our profile settings there is an option to delete your account. Click that and your name goes antonymous.

Riverdale just made a good point while responding. There are several posters named anonymous. I have accidentally responded to the wrong one. So, no need to point it out to me because I saw it myself. Anyway, I apologize for accidentally posting in the wrong place at times.

Anyway as I replied back to Riverdale, it can get a little repetitive and confusing. We have to pay close attention to the numbers behind the anonymous name.

I agree. A pressure sore is serious. She should be seen by a doctor and have homecare come in to dress it and keep an eye on it. Mom may need an air mattress. Your father is not capable of this kind of care. He has no idea what to look for concerning infections. He is a layman.

I love having an RN in the family. I was a secretary for RNs. But not one of them will prescribe something without looking at the problem first.

Your brothers are the "hands on" people. They are there and deal with your packages. Maybe your Dad gets all upset when one arrives. And then one of the brothers has to deal with it. Maybe Dads confusion is getting worse. At 80 this caregiving maybe getting overwhelming for Dad but he won't admit it. Like said, why don't u send the pkg to one of the brothers. Do you call and ask them what they need or just send what u think is needed.

Your Mom may now need care that Dad is not capable of.

I'm dying to know what's in this magic package that will solve the problem of mother's pressure sore "once he knows how to use it."

But let that pass - no, you are not seeing your brothers' point, and you are not putting yourself in either their shoes or your father's shoes, and above all you are not waking up to your mother's real level of care need: a pressure sore developing when she is being cared for is a red flag. Shouldn't happen. It means the care is inadequate.

Would you be able to go and stay with your parents for a week or two? Since your parents chose you as their health care representative, and you have accepted the responsibility, the best thing for you to do would be to visit the front line and have a closer look at how it's all working day to day.

Not seeing anything wrong with what your bros. said.

You live far away. Your brothers live nearby and are helping your parents and you want to cut them off? Am I missing something here?

Please show some gratitude to them instead of criticizing them. Also, since you are in charge and cannot handle their care then please hire someone to do it. Why should your brothers do it only to hear criticism from you?

Also, consider placing them in a facility to be looked after 365 24/7 so you can put your mind at ease.

Just curious. How often do you get to visit them? It must be hard living far away from them.

Based on what you have written, I see it this way:
While you mean well, you are being selfish and engulfing 3 lives in this caregiving. It isn’t fair for you to send stuff and direct traffic while they are there dealing with 2 older people who clearly are unable to help themseves.
Stating you are ready to “cut ties”? For what reason? Because they dont’ do things exactly when and as you direct? Perhaps you need to look within yourself to see how you are being perceived vs. your intentions.. cutting ties over stuff like this is not the smartest thing you could do. at least the brothers try to help. Cut them off and your life will turn into misery. If possible, need to hire some caregivers for your parents at their home. If your mother has bedsore issues, then your father might need more help than you want to admit. Please step back and do what is right for them AND you/brothers. Even if it means assisted living for Mom.

You mean well.
And these "things" must be very helpful and needed.

But you are not listening "Pop gets confused when packages arrive at the house".

Find a new way to get them what they need.

In your easy chair, dozing off, you hear a ding dong, must ambulate to the front door, what a p a i n ! Please stop confusing the elderly, it is so very confusing enough.

You are a good daughter! Try to listen.

Unless there is a better reason that you are considering cutting ties with your brothers, please reconsider, and wait, study more on relationships. From reading on here, most daughters are thrown into the 24/7 part of hands-on caregiving. Your brother who is hands-on is going to be nominated for sainthood on this forum of caregiving daughters, maybe. (joking, maybe).

Imagine being told by the person receiving all those care packages:
"Tell your sister to stop sending things!".

Yes, it really happened.

I think it is a lot easier to order stuff than to assemble, read instructions and tell dad what to do with it.

I think we are missing the forest for the trees. If Mom has a bed sore then she is likely not in the best care with Dad caring for her. Bedsores can literally kill; once started they are almost impossible to cure. So perhaps it is time for Mom to be in care and take this almost impossible burden off Dad. The brothers will likely be able to watch over him easier. As to the packages send them directly to the brothers after discussing what you are sending and why. You are all trying to do the best you can. Don't let it divide you.

I started to reply a while ago but was interrupted, basically what I had to say agreed with Isthisrealyreal and lealonnie1 - I think you are not giving your bothers credit for their role in assisting your parents, it is unrealistic to think that the two of them are able to function without a whole lot of back up. It's great that you are on top of medical things but involving your brothers in the process might go a long way in easing their apparent resentment, for instance if you had given bro a chance to give his opinion before the purchase and then asked permission to have the parcel delivered to a brother's address it could have saved everyone a headache.

I'm sorry but what is selfish and self absorbed about them?

You say you order it, have it sent and then your brother's go install, explain and calm dads confusion. I say that you have the easiest part of that whole scenario.

"Oh no, not another package" sounds like someone trying to be smart aleck not nasty.

Being a nurse gives you special insight, but being boots on the ground, hands on help gives them more reality of the situation. I think that you should not cut contact with the individuals that are there physically for your parents without a plan in place for who you will have handling the things that they do. After all you have accepted the responsibility, they are only helping their parents out of love. What would you do with out their hands on help? Because you are responsible. Not trying to be rude, trying to get you to really think about what is going on and how you would deal without them.

Empathy means the ability to put the shoe on the other foot & to feel what the other person is feeling. Your brothers are accusing you of having no empathy for them because they are doing the day-to-day care giving and you are sending packages from afar. That's not to say you don't care or that you're doing something wrong........just that they're not seeing your efforts as particularly helpful. The packages confuse your dad, so they have to step in to help him figure out what they're all about, then get the item set up or explained, which is not easy with a person suffering from dementia.

I think it's vital for you to understand where they're at in this care giving process and for them to see where you're at as well. As an RN, you're the 'ear' everyone needs to help them figure out what's happening and the one to place the orders for necessary supplies, not to mention do the research required. That's not something to pooh-pooh away, and they should be respectful & appreciative of your time & input here. By the same token, they are the 'hands on' people dealing with the daily drama and everything else that goes along with elder care for TWO parents. Not easy.

You're each doing your part to create a safe living environment for your parents and should be commended for all that's involved.

Try to see things from your brother's point of view, acknowledge their part in the equation, and move on. Don't cut them out of your life, it's not warranted, in my opinion. Emotions run high during elder care situations of this nature, and the best thing to do is hash it out ALL of you. Together. Let love prevail, and above all, keep your parent's best interest in mind. That will allow you all to work together towards that end.

Best of luck

It's probably not a deal-breaker, as the previous response says, because how else could you manage in the current situation if you don't have connection with your brothers? But it's frustrating to be at a distance and not have their full cooperation. Have you been considering whether your parents should move to someplace nearer to you where your mom can receive care? (Assisted Living or another eldercare type of facility...) Caring for her on his own much of the time must be a strain on your father and perhaps that's the underlying message from your brothers. On top of her increasing dementia, a bedsore, as you know, is difficult and can get serious quickly. Ideally someone with a bedsore needs regular turning, thorough cleaning, special dressings, etc. Does she have in-home nursing to come in and care for her sore? That would be covered by Medicare if a doctor orders it. If she's on Medicaid, she might qualify for a nursing home stay, even temporarily, to help the bedsore to heal.

If otherwise you get along okay with your brothers, I wouldn't cut ties based on this. Very annoying, yes; dealbreaker, no.