Hello! I hope someone can give me some advice or support... I think I'm experiencing caregiver's syndrome, I'm often exhausted and feel resentment towards my dad and guilt for feeling like that.
My mom passed away in February 2023, from cancer. She and my dad were basically soulmates, loved each other deeply and did everything together. We've always been super close as a family and we're still in the early stages of grief.
My sister is very focused on her work and isn't around much, even though she loves my dad and worries. I have a freelance job so I have more freedom to manage my time, which means I am the one who spends more time with my dad. I have lunch with him Monday through Friday and most days I work at his house, so he won't feel lonely. But on weekends I feel like I need to spend time by myself, with my partner, my friends. But I feel so guilty because when I'm not there, my dad is alone.
He is not social at all, doesn't have many hobbies, doesn't believe in therapy and since my mom died he stopped living. He's just surviving. And I feel like he relies completely on me to keep him company. I love him so much and I want to help but sometimes I get sick of it all because I can't even grieve properly, I'm always worried about him and I resent him for not trying to find ways to cope, to distract himself. I know he's suffering and being alone is horrible, but at least on the weekends I wish he could find some peace without needing company all the time.
Can anyone relate to this, or am I being an absolute idiot?
It's a participation website a widower started 25 years ago, after loosing his wife. It's a basic internet forum he can join, to communicate with others in the same sad situation of loss. Everyone is very supportive of each other. Lots of great discussions, advice and support. He would fit like a glove. The member age range is from 30s to 80s. Whoever has lost a spouse, or significant other is welcome to join "the club nobody ever wanted to join." All share their experiences and their own stories. I could have never made it without that website.
A few months ago a gentleman came into the center. He's retired and lost his wife of many years in 2023. He is still grieving and was at a loss. Neither he or his wife had ever participated in the activities of the senior center he thought he'd take a drive and see what it had to offer. The staff showed him the list of current activities and events and reminded him that he can get help with questions about his Medicare choices at the center (he didn't need help but was surprised it was offered locally). When the staff pointed out that they had and I phone specialist put were looking to get an Android specialist on board, he asked was kind of question did people need help with. He took a list of activities, thanked the staff and left. Two days later, he can back into the center and offered his services as the Android specialist. He comes in once a week and his sessions are booked solid. He started off really quiet... would come in, get the list of the people he was going to see and go and sit in his room. Now, he is coming in early, hanging with the staff and having tea. People who he has helped, stop in on his days at the center to chat or drop him some chocolate. He has signed up for a few of the activities at the center and is not quite so quiet and shy anymore. I think his re embracing life would make his wife very happy.
Since your Dad has learned to play the harmonica, maybe he could join (or start) a musical group somewhere. He's got knowledge and experience to pass on to current and future generations. Hope you can help him find the road to do just that.
I'm so glad he has a kind and loving daughter in his life but you need to give him a bit of room to learn to live now.
Wishing you both peace and tranquilly in this phase of your journey
He went on a long trip to reconnect with many people he'd known long ago. It got him out of that gloomy house, and he was smiling again. I was one of those that he visited on his trip. We've been happily married for years.
Once you get out of the way, dad may find a path to other interests. He can't do that if you're always there and hovering and sympathizing. Your dad seems like a guy who has much to offer. He needs to find his own tribe, which he can do if you discourage him from latching onto you.
Good luck.
Like you, my husband and I made an extra effort to keep him company every day. But unlike you, we only did so for about one month. Then, we resumed our normal lives. It was easier for us because my FIL was living in a senior community. And we knew he would be around people his own age many of whom were widowers too.
Maybe next time you go see your dad, tell him you want to meet at his project house. Keep that going. It's a start. You can't replace your mother but you can perhaps help him see that letting that go would be a big mistake both for him and for keeping alive the memory of your mother.
It's been a year. I think you can be honest with your father that it's been long enough for him to be sitting around doing nothing. Start living your life. Rather than go to his house, change things up. For example, invite him to lunch or dinner at your house just not every day. You can also take him with you to places like the library where they may have a senior book or current events club. You can help him come out of his shell by showing him what's available in his community. In other words, you can lead the horse to water but you can't make him drink. He needs to be thirsty.
All of that started to change in the years after Mom died. They lived in a 55+ community, so sadly, some of Dad's closest buddies also started to die. He's had some depression and unresolved grief after Mom but never would take anything or talk with a professional about it. He started to have health issues, too. Then Dad moved from our home state of CA to VA to live near me about 6 years ago, and he repeatedly said he didn't want to "start over" with new friends, senior centers, etc here. I realized one day that he had brought his unhappiness with him, unfortunately, and that changed everything for me. I've offered many, many times for him to come with me to church or community things I'm involved with (yep, I'm my mama's daughter in that regard 🥰). My friends would love to drop by and visit with him, but he's rarely said yes to that. The main thing he says he's wanted is proximity to me, and he has that. I've learned to let that be enough and not try to make him into the person my mom was. We would be going out to lunch every week if she was here! I've kept on with my life, I hang out with him (we live 100 yards apart), and help him out. His health has been up and down the last six months; my caregiving has increased again and shifted as we are approaching the end.
I've chosen to give a lot of my time, energy, and love to caregiving in support of both of my parents for over 15 years now. I could have made other choices I suppose, but this is what's felt right for me. I agree wholeheartedly with what others have shared re the importance of also having your own life, dreams, goals, friendships, self-care practices, and interests along the way. There is no way I would still be as whole as I feel I am right now without all of that (plus my faith). We can love, honor and care for our parents and other loved ones without taking on the life work that is theirs to do. It's so hard to watch when that work doesn't happen or doesn't change things, but it is always always always a choice even if our loved one doesn't see it that way. Keeping a positive thought for you as you find the balance that feels right for you.
I can relate and these feelings are totally normal in this situation!
When your Mom was still alive and they were together, how often would you visit them? I suggest you try to get back to that frequency of visiting, so that way you get your life back somewhat to how it was. Then, to help him with loneliness, thinnk of some of the ideas others have suggested.
In this situation, when one elderly parent is still alive (and even more so with dementia), they are of course glad to have us visit as much as we can, and they are not going to say no . So its up to us to figure out our limits to visiting and then have other methods for the parent to get some socialization. Sometimes it just doesnt work and they will have some degree of loneliness despite everything.
As for feeling resentment as your sister is visiting less than you, thats a normal feeling. You would need to discuss with her whether she can visit more, but it may well be that for both of you to visit LESS is the best thing to do. Discuss it all out with her so you are both on the same page with the plan.
This is his problem to solve. When he tells you the loneliness of the house crushes him ask him What He Plans to do About it. Stop trying to fix things for him. He needs to learn to live on his own. Maybe it is time to downsize if he hates being home alone. Find a nice place in a 55+ community.
My father was super social but when he decided to go to AL he did not participate in anything they offered. That was his choice. I didn't become his entertainment as I had a job and life of my own that needed my attention. I visited every couple of weeks. He would have loved me coming there every day but that was just not possible. The more you continue to do for your father the less he will try and do for himself.
Call Office of Aging to see what is offered for Seniors. Is there a Senior center Dad can get involved with? My DH is 77 and golfs. Then spends some time with the guys at the bar. Our library puts on bus trips. Good way to meet others. You cannot take the place of your Mom. Seems like Dad realizes his problem since he saw a doctor. It will take him time. Include him in your life when u can. Call him the same time every day asking how his day is going. But do not disable him. Let him know you will not forget him. He needs to find a new life.
This situation described with dependence on the daughter is new, after the death of a spouse and not a lifelong pattern . An armchair psychological diagnosis is not helpful.
The thing is, he has many interests and skills, he started playing the harmonica a few years ago, he likes fixing old watches, restoring things like small pieces of furniture, he likes going to antique fairs... He even has a project to build a house in the countryside, that he could focus on.
The problem is, he lost interest in absolutely everything.
My mom was the driving force in their relationship, you know? Without her, it's like he's just surviving and waiting for his time to go.
But I'll start telling him about some of the suggestions you made, maybe he'll be interested, who knows
Guilt infers responsibility.
You didn't cause your mother's death and you can't fix it.
Therefore, guilt is entirely inappropriate to this situation.
Because words matter very much I encourage you to change out your G-words. The proper word is grief, and you and your Dad are both suffering from it.
There is nothing you can do about grief but walk into it and through it in your own way, trying always to celebrate the love and memories that are there and will never leave you.
Now that guilt is put to rest let's get rid of your feeling that suddenly you are your dad's parent, friend, reason for being, answer to life.
You aren't. You are his daughter and you have a life and you are also grieving and in need.
Worse, you are preventing your father's moving forward, if to move forward is in fact his choice.
Repeat those words: "HIS CHOICE".
As you continue to do what you are doing you will try to replace your mom with yourself. Wrong. You HAVE a life and a family and a job and THAT is your life.
You are clearly smart and loving, but you cannot be all things to all people and you cannot fill all gaps that yawn open in the world of those you love.
As you continue what you are doing you prevent your father moving forward, into and through his grief and on with the rest of his life.
It isn't up to you how your Dad spends his last years. It is up to your FATHER. He hasn't become a being with no thoughts, feelings, plans just because his wife is gone. But he may be ready, willing and waiting to go. Whichever is the case, speak with him on a ONCE A WEEK LUNCH about all this, about his hopes, plans, goals. And don't negate what he says. If he says "I am done, exhausted with life, just waiting to go, " then HONOR his TRUTH and tell him yours which MAY BE "Dad, I can understand that in this time of loss. And I won't ever be ready to lose you, so I hope you stay a while. Know that I love you and if I can help let me know how. " Then help him explore online support groups or support group in your area for those who are grieving.
You are an adult. If you need help now to work through all of this, then please get it, but don't compound your father's current grief by making him a dependent baby. That isn't what he is. And don't take on grief. Leave it for felons who do malice aforethought and take joy in the pain of others.
I know this sounds tough. But please think about some of the things I say. Your parents were very lucky. I am 81. I may soon be leaving my children. It would SHATTER ME to think that this is what they felt upon my exit. I would hope they would celebrate instead what has been a long and happy life, and would move on taking great joy in our world and seeing it for me through their own loving and happy eyes.
I needed to read your words. Over and over again.
You are so right, I have to be his daughter, not his mother or life companion. I need to put myself in my place and realize that I can love my dad and be there for him without giving up my life entirely.
Thank you.
Animals need us and they bring so much love and company to our homes. I believe that they are truly a gift from God for mankind.
My dad went to a neurologist on January 9th and started taking Cipralex. I haven't noticed any changes so far, but I know it takes time.
You are right, a lot of times I feel like I'm trying to through everything so he won't have to, because I know how painful it is. It's almost like I'm the mother and he's the child. I know I can't protect him or prevent him from feeling pain, that needs to change.
Thank you again.
I will say one thing that home caregivers don't seem to get. An elderly person needs to interact with people their own age, not only their children, as the many decades in between their ages also limits their emotional platform.
You have become his crutch, you are not allowing him to move on by being there all the time, if you would pull back and thereby push him into reaching out to other organizations, clubs whatever it would help,
Stop going everyday, research what is available in his area for Senior activities, print out the information lead him in that direction.
If you continue to do what you are doing he will not reach out to others, not my rules just how it works.
There is also the Independant Living option, he will be with people his own age, have activities to attend, share lunch with others and so much more.
You are developing a prison with invisible bars for the both of you, definitely not a healthy situation.
I wish you the best!
You aren't responsible for your Dad's happiness. You aren't his entertainment committee. The more you insert yourself the less he can do it himself, in his own timeline, in his own way.
Without telling him anything overtly, just start backing off spending time with him and having lunch with him one day at a time over a period of time (like weeks). You can keep suggesting ideas and resources to him, and keep assuring him that you love him and are there for him, but he's an adult man and should be doing self-care.
Your own partner and life have priority over your Dad's. This is the proper, healthy order and doesn't mean you don't love him. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom... may you receive peace in your heart as your family works through this hard loss.
Yea, I know I can't grieve for him or be his crutch... I'm my own worst enemy at this point, when I try to back off even a little bit, I hear a voice in my head saying "you're abandoning your own father".
My dad is a bit of shut in, he doesn't really have friends to spend time with (it was always him and my mom) and hates the idea of joining groups or anything of that kind. And I need to realize that even though I love him, I have to live my life instead of erasing myself to be able to comfort him.
Hugs and blessings to you.
In a way you are doing him a disservice because he needs to learn to rely on himself more and he can't if you are there as much as you are.
It is difficult to care more about your father's life than he seems to right now. He is suffering from depression. I would suggest to him that an antidepressant might help him get through this period in his life.
I hope things get better for both of you.
He started taking cipralex this month, but I haven't noticed any changes yet... It does take time though, I know.
If those are true, and if he's not eating well unless you're there, I would give his doctor a head's up. Send a letter outlining your concerns. If you aren't on Dad's medical paperwork as having access to his medical information, the doctor can give any information, but he can certainly receive information.
It's not unusual for a long time partner to grieve a loss for a year or more, but depression can be treated. Meds can lift his mood a bit so that he gets interested in living again.
You may be preventing both of you from going through a grieving process that you both need.
You are with him BY CHOICE Monday through Friday. Why?
Does he need care/help all day long?
You say you feel he relies on you to keep him company. Does he want someone with him all that time?
What are you doing for him Monday through Friday that he can not do himself?
Back off.
He does not need to "find ways to cope, distract himself" because you are doing that for him.
Let him find his way as a Widower. Can you contact a few of his friends and ask them to stop by for a visit?
What did he do for a living? There are places that need Volunteers or Mentors could he help out in any area?
There are Adult Day programs tell him they need "help" and he may find that he likes participating.
Starting in February cut back on your Daily visits. "Dad a meeting came up and I can't come by for lunch today." "Dad, I have a 3 day job so I won't be able to come by next week, are you going to be ok? Is there anything you need?"
So I try to work there to give him that sense of company, if that makes sense.
Thank you for replying and for your advice, it means a lot 🙏
You are a caring daughter.
I think you feel resentful because you are trying to live someone else's life for them. It's very hard to care more about someone than they care about themselves.
Yes your dad is alone now. He lost his life partner; it's now up to HIM, not your or your sister, to figure out how to proceed with his life.
People who become widows and widowers "move on" in different ways. Some grieve permanently and deeply. Some die soon after their loved one's death. Some remarry. Some adjust to being alone and get on with their lives, enjoying activities with friends.
You talk about "being alone" as though it's an illness. It's something that your dad is going to need to face and cope with. Or he's going to have to figure out how NOT to be alone.
You can't do this work for him. My advice is to go back to your normal routine. Have a lunch date once a week and GO OUT, even if it's just to the local fast food place. Being around other people will be good for you both.
Do your grief work as you see fit. Leave dad to do his. (((Hugs))).
I know I can't carry him through life and he has to navigate his grief on his own, but sometimes it's almost unbearable to see how much he's hurting.
I pray that time will help, somehow.