I asked you all about my mom's toilet paper usage. Do dementia people start throwing things away that are not theirs and lie a lot?
Late last Sunday night, I couldn't find my mom in her room or bathroom. Found her in the garage going through the trash bin (trash bags). Asked what she's doing. Said she's looking for the award. I said what award. She said she threw away one of my kids awards. I saw on the floor pieces of torn papers, pictures, etc.. she took out of the trash bag. When she moved with us after my dad died almost 2 years ago, we gave her my husband's office downstairs to use as her bedroom so she doesn't have to walk up and down the stairs, and the bathroom is close by for her. So we have 3 bookshelves where most of our important and precious possessions we have like important documents, books, pictures, memories from our kids when they were younger, etc... I told her she can look at the photo albums but don't throw don't touch anything else like important paperworks. Last Sunday night she went through the bookshelf and threw some of things in the garbage. What she did was, she tore up my daughter's award in half, she tore up in pieces important loan documents, she threw a box my oldest painted and gave my husband for Father's Day 6 years ago. She ripped it to pieces. Don't know how she was able to do this but she tore in pieces a picture of one of my kids from preschool made into an ornament. It was torn where we can't recover the picture. She threw away credit card among other things she threw and torn. We were so angry but stayed calm. We asked her why would she do this?! She said she it was old and didn't think we needed it. Bookshelves are not longer in her room. We moved it all downstairs in our basement. Recently she called her sister about it and told her that we got upset because she spilled a little water on my daughter's award. When she tried to clean it up, she told her sister we got upset. My aunt told me that we knew about it. My mom does everything late at night when we're all in bed or when we're not home. Don't worry, there's always someone at home with her. Anyways, even if she threw it away, don't understand why she needs to tear it in to pieces?! Not only is she starting to throw important things away, I hear her telling her sister lies, false information, made up stories she think it's true.
I've been tirelessly taking care of switching her insurance to our state we reside, finding doctor's, dentist, etc... who takes her medicare insurance. Not many dentist do. Took me almost full day to find a local dentist. Longer story short, my brother financially abuses her money where he uses covid and other excuses not to work. So he lives off my m's social security money which is not much. We think he wipes her account clean to gamble. Anyways, I had to spend several trips to social security to get her new social security card casuse my brother only gave her a copy. He won't send her citizenship so she can get an ID. My brother won't even give my mom's engagement ring, bracelet. These are the only memories she has left of what my dad gave her. She needs ID in order to fly or other things that needs ID. For 2 years I can't fly to visit my oldest in college cause she can't fly anywhere without ID and we can't leave her home by herself and we have nobody here when we moved here. With all that, I'm emotionally and physically drained. So my brother makes me work harder to go to social security to get everything. Don't know where to start to get her citizenship. I'm so tired. :(
However, her behavior is no longer acceptable for her to be in strange places, such as an airport. There's no telling how she might behave on a plane, and I don't think you want to find out.
If you place her in managed memory care, she will be more closely watched and thus safer, and you would get the relief you deserve. Realize that she's never going to get better, only worse. How much more of this can you take?
The best to you and mom as you move forward on this difficult path.
Leaving her unattended at night is a dangerous time, because many elders with dementia cannot sleep and wind up wandering out the front door, or getting into lots of trouble in other ugly ways. I hope you have deadbolt locks high up on your exterior doors to prevent her from leaving the house while everyone is sleeping. This is one reason memory care AL is so popular.
Secondly, she herself doesn't know "why" she's tearing up photos! She's got brain damage, so why ask why? The stories she tells others based on her version of the truth is known as Confabulation. It's what elders with dementia do all the time, and why caring for them at home becomes unmanageable for many people. One of 1,000 reasons you're now learning about, unfortunately.
Pick up a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to deal with your mother, and what to expect, basically. Teepa Snow will smile and tell you how to bathe an already compliant elder, not one who's throwing feces or cussing you out in a new language she's invented.
Best of luck with a difficult situation.
I would not take Mom on a trip . Can your daughter come to visit you instead ?
Who has POA ? Start the Medicaid process for Mom to go into care facility .
Go to a lawyer for this and regarding your brother absconding your mother’s SS.
If mom ends up in the hospital , you tell the social worker there that you can no longer care for Mom and DO NOT take mom home again no matter what they say to you . You tell them it’s an unsafe discharge .
Good Luck
Any and ALL important papers should be kept in a safe location.
What she tells her sister is true in her mind. You can not convince a person with dementia that what they are saying is not true. Don't even get into that argument.
Talk to her doctor about medication for agitation, anxiety and sleeplessness.
Who is POA for mom?
If your brother is abusing her financially you report him. (since it is Social Security he is abusing you can start there.)
My daddy cut the cable wire on the house after I told him not to go into the yard, he kept asking about a certain wire, and I told him to leave it. One night I came home and he looked like the cat that ate the canary -- he had cut this cable and had no tv to watch. Well, I needless to say I had to lock up everything... I took the knobs off the stove, the scissors were locked up in my sewing room, knives were hidden. I had to get a special phone for him because he would invite the estimate people over to give estimates for roof repair. About a six months later - I had to put him in a facility. Don't get me wrong it wasn't an easy decision but for him to be safe it had to be done.
Is mom a citizen? If so you can contact USCIS to get a copy. If not, she probably cannot take the simple test to get her citizenship, so that is out. You need her birth certificate and some evidence that she lives with you and you can get her a non-driver's ID in your state.
Get an elder lawyer and have her SS put into an account that brother can't access. For that matter, can you take her to the bank (once you have legal ID)? Open a new account for her, and have her SS direct deposited there.
Report brother for elder abuse to APS. That money is gone but he can be stopped from stealing in the future.
People with dementia may not know they have it. The problem is a broken brain that can't see logic or reality. All the arguing in the world will not convince dementia illness that a sky is blue when the brain now thinks the color is called pink.
I am now struggling to reconstruct her financial information. When she moved here she and I consolidated her accounts and investments because she had a little at every bank in Canada. In the old days you’d get a blanket or steak knives or towels, etc. if you opened a new account. Anyway, soon after she pranked me by opening more accounts (which she laughingly confessed later begged me to find and deal with) and I still have two accounts outstanding.
I spent her last year here (she’s now in care) going through her garbage after I noticed she’d thrown out photos of my father.
Let snowbird79’s and my story be a warning you heed! If you have anything critical or sentimental, lock it away from a person with dementia. They can become fixated on a belief and little will stop them.
See All Answers