I've been POA for my father for almost 4 years and care manage his entire life. This includes taking care of his old house, paying all bills, managing his health care, dealing with issues with his tenants and caregivers (and finding these people/hiring/firing etc) I live in a different state. I have full time work that I can't effectively do. I have developed intense debilitating anxiety and depression dealing with all of this. I've kept him in his house all this time (he's 91 with dementia) but at great cost to myself. He is currently in a temp rehab place and absolutely miserable saying he wants to go home. I need to step down but don't see what other options I have. He has children in another country but they don't help, only tell me what to do. I am going nuts. What do I do...
Get a property management company for the rental, they earn their money dealing with everything with the house and tenants.
A care manager will help dad with his in home help and report to you. They can also deal with all of his medical appointments and transportation to and from.
This will cost him and he will probably not like having to pay for all of the services that you now do for free.
Get all of his bills online and then you just have to go online monthly and send a bank check. Most bills can be rescheduled and then you have one due date for everything.
Being POA doesn't obligate you to kill yourself to prop up his charade of independence. You matter as much in this situation as he does.
Is he safer in the facility?
He may have to do what is best for him and not what he wants.
None of us gets everything we want, especially at someone else's expense.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.
Edit: if nobody takes care of him, the state will intervene and take control of him. This may be the only way to save yourself. He doesn't get to kill you because he doesn't want to change anything. It sucks that we have to go there with our parents but, they created the situation.
It now is not what Dad wants its what he needs. He needs a AL. Does your POA give you the right to sell, then I would do it. Sell his home, his rentals. Or use the rentals to pay for his care in an AL.
I would suggest getting expert tax advice before selling the rentals. The depreciation that gives rentals a cash flow advantage, is recaptured on sale. I'm not saying not to sell, but don't let the resulting tax bill be a surprise. Installment sale might stretch out the tax bill or 1031 exchange into something with better income might help, but an an expert can tell you the advantages and disadvantages.
If it all feels too expensive, remember the likely alternative is likely state guardianship, which will not minimize expenses.
Tell your Dad either you step down, he returns to his home, and have his other children take over..... or he moves to Senior Living and you will continue overseeing his bills, and managing his health.... but the rentals need to go and so does his house.
If he bulks at these two choices, tell him up to 40% of grown children who are caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring, what would he do if you passed on?
Don't give up your life so that your Dad can continue his lifestyle with a lot of help.
What sort of dementia, and how advanced?
How far apart and how different (I mean in terms of climate, local culture etc.) are your respective states?
Alzheimers, he always knows who I am and can have coherent conversations but has little short term memory and can't do much for himself.
I'm on the east cost, he's in the midwest.
Your work load already demonstrates that your father is unaware of his lack of ability to manage his own affairs.
Consider also that you DO have options. It is your FATHER whose options are diminishing.
If your POA was drawn up by a lawyer, you can contact that person and have the Bill sent to your father, and indicate at the same time that you are doing all that you are doing, and can no longer manage.
Dad’s SAFETY is critical and YOUR SAFETY IS TOO. Start today to ignore anyone and everyone who chooses from afar to tell you what do.
It sounds like he has assets (as in a home and realty) that can be sold, or put under management to fund his care.
"Dad, the doctor says this is where you need to be right now. I can no longer handle managing your properties, so either you hire a realty company or sell the rentals. You need the funds to pay for your care".
I don't know how you are doing all of this from a distance. You may want to talk to a lawyer in Dads area that is well versed in Medicaid and can give you advice on his rentals. Maybe you can hire a firm to handle Dads rentals. Being a POA does not mean you have to do all the work. You can distribute it. You may want to check into Family Leave where u work. It has been mentioned here it can be taken in increments.
She got Covid from a Caregiver (please do not hire if not tested or vaccinated).
Het Covid symptoms passed but did not help her Parkinson’s and she passed away.
So all of this is to tell you that the first person you must take care of is YOU.
i would talk to the Social Worker at the Rehab and advise all details of his situation. She should be able to help you file for SSI through Medicare and most assuredly he will receive Medicaid, which would help pay for care at a facility that has Dementia safe facilities.
I also found an Elder Care Lawyer a great aid in guiding me as a POA. They can better advise on steps to manage the house and other assets.
I would recommend that you ask for some remuneration in the form of a contract. I know this work is time consuming and takes away from all of your personal responsibilities. You have given so much of yourself that you are feeling depleted. Money is a source of energy and it should be received as well.
Just some thoughts...
You cannot go on trying to figure out how to make what he wants happen. It will kill you! Your health and personal life will suffer, if it’s not already. You need a different plan and you need to tell your father his plan is not feasible. At 91 and with dementia, your father has no business owing a ton of money on a home that he cannot manage or seem to pay for, on his own. It is not easy. He will be angry with you. But his situation is not going to get better. Having POA means YOU make the decisions- you are in charge - you are not following your fathers impractical plan. I would also advise counseling. I had to go to counseling (via Zoom) and start medication for the anxiety and depression brought on by stepping in to care for my mother. It really helped. Good luck!
Keep doing it.
Step down and not do it any more.
Hire someone to handle it for you.
Let someone take his home over to use as a Care place that includes him living there.
Bring him to live with you.
Do they instruct you on each of the aspects then you carry out the wishes of his other children?
Tell them that you are no longer going to be POA. Is the Attorney that drew up the papers still a family lawyer? If so send them a certified letter that effective (and give a date) you will no longer act as POA. Make sure the date is enough in advance so that the others can be informed and another POA chosen.
You can tell them that this is your plan so that they can begin the process of choosing another.
You do know you will be "roped" into doing all the same stuff you are doing now just because you are here and they are not in the country.
Your other option would be to discuss with the Social Worker where he is now the fact that you can not effectively care for him, manage caregivers and care for his house so it would be best to find permanent placement in Memory Care.
Then you can begin the process of selling property that will pay for his care.
I do hope you have been getting paid to do all that you have done. Geriatric Care Managers get paid quite well. (range is $50.00 to 200.00 per hour.)
Talk to the social worker at the rehab facility. Let them know that you care not able to continue managing your father's care as you are currently doing. You have choices
1 - It may be time for your father to enter a memory care unit. Then, you could sell his place (you'll have to do it after he passes) and put the money into an account to cover his expenses.
2 - Ask for the courts to appoint a legal guardian. This person will do the job you did as POA. This person may or may not be able to keep your father in his home. Most likely he will be placed into a memory care unit, his home will be sold along with all assets, and his assets will be placed into an account for his care. Not sure what will happen to any assets after he passes. You might wish to talk to a lawyer before going this route.
Talk to the Social worker. Do not have him released home, the hospital cannot release him if he doesn't have someone to care for him - but if you do - it will just be a matter of time before he has another hospital event. If you can hire a Geriatric Care Mgr this will take some of the load off of you in regard to coordinating his health care.
Another option would be to take him in with you until you can find a nice facility near you that can give him the care and safety he needs. You say he is running out of money and still owes on his house. Please contact a well regarded elder care lawyer who can help you navigate real options for your specific situation, rather than just getting family opinions. This is probably the most important thing for you to do without further delay. Keep us posted on your decision and progress, we really do care!
It sounds like he's got money, so there is no reason why you cannot use his money to pay for an eldercare attorney to sort things out, including a court appointed legal guardian.
If he has dementia you are not doing him any favors letting him live by himself. One day he will wander off and get injured or killed. My sister-in-law let her mom live by herself, and I have been warning her for years to not allow that. She refused to listen. Her excuse is that her mom did not want to go to assisted living, and totally with it. She was in her 90's. She fell, broke her hip, and was on the ground for DAYS before someone found out. She ended up dying from the complications of being in the hospital from a hospital-acquired infection.
All of this assuming he will not move near you and be placed in assisted living with the sale of assets there where he is now.
So you will start with speaking with Dad and other relatives that you will be resigning you POA, or hiring a Fiduciary if assets allow. As POA you can do this.
The cost in California for a Fiduciary runs about 90.00 an hour more or less two years ago. Costs more while setting up the system, less once set up dependent on the amount of personal care the person requires.
Bow you do all you do from another state and still work full-time is beyond me since your siblings are not helping you have the POA SO SE THE OLD HOUSE AS IS. Sell all you can and use the money to take care of your father you can take his favorite chair,his tv, pictures or art work . Make his room as much like his home this will help his anxiety and feel he is at home. Good luck to you. Take care of yourself. Keep the POA .
YOU NEED TO MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS NOW.
For your own well-being and health.
Yes, he will continue to say he wants to go / come home. Expect this. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty - you'd want to go home too. However, there comes a time when changes need to be made. And that time is NOW. He will adjust to 'what is' as best he can. As you have adjusted. We do what we do for as long as we can do it.
And if his children and he do not thank you, I am thanking you for the four years you've been doing this. It is a huge service. I know, I'm in a similar situation. gg
Tell him he must go to assisted living and sell his assets to pay for it. and do not feel guilty; everyone facing this must make these hard decisions; it is part of life.
That said, if you just feel you can't anymore, go to court and get a court appointed guardian; they will make the tough decisions for you; they deal with this all the time. Caveat: once you have done this, stay out of it and let them do their jobs! `
Question - why? OP has POA. I do know that POA doesn't allow you to force someone to move or give up their homes, but with dementia, we can work around some of these issues.
We had POAs, wills, etc all done. When it wasn't safe for mom to remain in her place and she refused to move elsewhere, the EC atty told me we couldn't force her to move and suggested guardianship. I highly doubt she would have been approved at that time. She was still able to do ADLs and could seem very normal, but it wasn't safe for her to remain in her place alone (she refused to let aides in.) We managed to make the move happen without taking her kicking and screaming to the facility AND without guardianship. The facility staff had told me 1) they don't accept committals and 2) just get her here, we'll take it from there. So, we were able to move mom WITHOUT guardianship. That is expensive and time consuming, even after it is approved.
I don't understand why you say OP needs to do this. If at all possible, I'd see about keeping him in the rehab, even if it means self-pay, until a place in a MC facility can be secured and then move him directly into that. POA WILL allow one to sell the home too - no need to involve the courts.