It’s only been 6 weeks, but it seems my mother is failing even more rapidly than she was at home. It’s heartbreaking.
We could no longer keep her at home as she was becoming more & more abusive - physically, (My Dad would wake up with her either standing over him with something in her hand, or choking him. I live upstairs, so she did not have access to me easily, but when I was close she threw things at me - whatever she could reach.), she needed more help than I could safely manage with bathing/showering, and She is incontinent, and she was also getting more & more abusive verbally - especially to my Dad, thinking he was having an affair. Her hallucinations & paranoia were constant & debilitating to her & to us.
But now I find that it takes so much to leave her behind each time we visit. She cries, begs to go home, tells us outrageous stories about everyone trying to rape her - including the women, no one will help her, etc. etc. etc,
I keep hoping & praying she will settle, but I really don’t see that happening. I am always on the verge of tears myself - and find myself getting impatient with my Dad (88).
She has been diagnosed with late onset FTD, but does anyone really know HOW to diagnose & distinguish between these horrific types of dementia? It’s a horrible, horrible disease. No one deserves this at the end of their life.
Next, I wonder if you just feel guilty for putting her where she is? Don't! Remind yourself that you are doing what is best for her. I felt guilty putting my mother in MC but I also knew I couldn't continue taking care of her and for her to get the care she needed, it meant she had to be put somewhere. It was killing us taking care of her. We knew we tried our best but it wasn't going to be in her best interest if we went downhill. If your mother is getting worse, it's probably not the facility but the disease that is progressing.
I'm sorry you are dealing with the weight of all of this.
Six weeks is barely long enough for anyone to adjust to a drastic change in lifestyle, without even considering her hallucinations and paranoia. Yes, there are diagnostic tools that can allow a reasonable assessment of dementias. Her repetitive conduct toward your father was clearly the reaction of a very damaged brain, and her verbal behavior and attempts to physically harm you indicate that her reasoning is failing.
It is a terrible realization that we are powerless in the face of this behavior to do anything but provide safety, supervision, basic human needs, and appropriate contacts with others, but we as caregivers must attempt to make peace with our decisions for our LOs for our own welfare. You must learn to walk out of her residence and let her caregivers, who are trained to manage the behaviors of those afflicted by dementia in the best way possible.
You have made the heartbreaking decisions, knowing that no other choices were available to you while attempting to maintain your dad’s environment safely. You must be aware that your decision was an act of courage. You owe that to your father, and equally important, to yourself.
Continue to pray for your mother’s welfare, but please do pray for peace in your own heart as well. You do deserve to begin to have confidence at some point, hopefully soon, that you did your very best.