I’m doing my best to visit her every day and encourage her to make friends and utilize the resources at the AL. I feel like a bad daughter by making her live there and not in her own home. At the same time, I need to get on with my life. She has the money to do either. Home or AL. I told her, if she comes home, I will move out to my own home 3 states away and only visit on occasion. Any and all suggestions appreciated.
You aren't responsible for your mother's happiness or her unhappiness.
She has a right to mourn the many losses that aging brings. Allow her to do that without taking it on as your responsibility. In fact mourn it WITH her. Tell her you are so very sorry for all the losses, that you fully understand how difficult this is for her and that it's hard for you to see her so unhappy.
If your mother is competent and can manage her own care, or hire managers and Fiduciaries to manage her care, then she can certainly make this decision. And I think you would be absolutely RIGHT to move as far away from it as you can get, rather than to enable bad decisions on her part.
There are many seniors who have no family, no children, to give input on these decisions.
If your mom is 98, then I imagine you're a senior citizen yourself or getting close to it. (My mom is 95, and I am no spring chicken. I can't imagine not having my mom in AL. She is happy there for the most part.)
If you're visiting her every day, she doesn't have any reason to make friends. Like Alva said, you are not responsible for her happiness or unhappiness. I think you need to cut down on the visits and take care of your own health.
And quit going to visit her every single day, because as long as you do she will never learn to depend on the good folks there and won't reach out to meet new people.
You are right, you do need to get on with your life. Your mother has had hers and now you deserve to get on with the rest of yours.
How your mother now chooses to live out her days is on her not you, as you are not responsible for her happiness or her care.
So just be grateful that she's now where she needs to be and has folks looking out for her.
And get your butt back home 3 states away and get on with living and enjoying your life.
If your Mom isn't already on meds for depression/anxiety it's time for a discussion with her primary doctor.
Also, I recommend you stop visiting her every day... you don't need to be her entertainment committee. Just call her instead, and not every day. You've done yeoman's work thus far so go bask in the satisfaction of a job well done. If she's in a good, reputable facility your Mom will be ok even if she acts like she's not.
Your mother needs to decide what her life will be like in AL.
Let her be , stop visiting everyday . She will not adjust if you keep visiting , she will just wait for you to come to plead her case to go home . Step back . It’s Moms decision whether she makes an effort to make friends or go to activities .
Some do engage and some don’t and sit in their rooms all day. Some are joiners , some are not . That’s just the way it is .
You are not a bad daughter, you did not make Mom old and need care.
Mom is where she belongs, and you belong elsewhere. Good luck finding your new life!
I read somewhere when one places a parent into senior living, it is best to stay away for a couple weeks so that the parent can get use to the place, to the faces of the staff, and hopefully start chatting with other residents.
As for visiting your Mom, do you stop by at the same time each day? I remember one story here on the forum when a daughter decided to surprise her Mom by stopping by at a different time. Her Mom had hated being in AL. Much to the daughter's surprise, her Mom was enjoying herself at an activity, chatting up a storm with the other women. Then the Mom spotted her daughter, oops, she was caught :)