I don't know whether my husband is being abusive or that his confusion and memory loss is getting worse?

RosyPosy,
You may need to take over the bill paying, subscription renewals and financials 100% and stop discussing same, unless he asks.

Prepare a folder he can view of the accounts, amounts paid, and leave it where he can access it.

Consult Soc. Sec. if/when a doctor advises he should not be handling money, in which case you will become his Representative Payee. (This if you are qualified).

Get help by professionals like a bookkeeper, a CMM (Certified Money Manager?),
or CPA.

Since your dH is already concerned about you "telling his daughter", keep your financials private. That will protect your own privacy also.

Change your expectations that he may "be there for you", and make every attempt to be his advocate, friend, loyal spouse, even in the face of him not trusting you.

Do not allow "family", extended family, steps, in-laws to become devisive between the two of you. Take heed of when the two of you argue---especially after a visit or contact from his daughter, or others. Keep in your mind that your hubs is not the enemy, but an illness may cause him to act this way.

Keep this phrase in mind, asking yourself: "What exactly did he do wrong?".

You are exactly correct to allow others to see his decline for themselves. (This is done by saying nothing, and not explaining.) The situation requires that you NOT attempt to prove who is right or wrong, or who is crazy or losing it. See a therapist for support and your own mental health, imo. Or, choose someone you can trust to vent to, but not family, imo.

Chances are, if your husband has not been abusive during your marriage, he is not intending to be now, and it is a huge misunderstanding in what seems like an already difficult communication dysfunction. This is why the therapist for yourself.
I am not discounting that there may be abuse, or it may feel like abuse.

I have read on here not to argue with a person who has dementia or Alzheimers.
However, you have not said he has been diagnosed. You will get him to a doctor?

That is all for now. It has been my experience that what my hubs says can throw me for a loop.

Your profile says that your DH has dementia. Based on what I have seen and read, pointing out their mistakes, errors, issues, isn't really helpful. If he's not capable of continuing on with bill paying, I'd figure a way to check behind him (so he's not embarrassed) or get it set up for automated draft. He may oppose it, but, eventually, he won't be able to handle it. And, he could cause some damage to your finances.

He may not even realize that he has a problem and if not, you probably won't be able to convince him of that either. It seems that we have to learn a lot of patience, toleration, and understanding. If he's agitated a lot or overly anxious, you could discuss medication with his doctor. My LO was much more content and less accusatory after she went on medication for anxiety and depression.

I recall that my LO would make very odd accusations that were completely untrue, but, she believed them, so, there was no convincing her. The best thing is to go along and avoid conflict. They can't process what we are trying to explain. My LO would accuse me of leaving grease on her counter tops, but, there was nothing there. She imagined a lot of things that were not real, but, she could not be convinced otherwise.

You might check out the book The 36 Hour Day. It's about caregiving those with dementia. Most people don't understand how extremely challenging it is.I think it's particularly challenging when it's a spouse.

My mother has vascular dementia. The first things to go were her ability to pay bills and handle her meds . She wasn’t even considered to have a diagnosis of “ dementia “ at that time. Also some word finding ability and a hair trigger temper.
They are capable of putting on a good show which is why even medical professionals may not pick up on the problem early on unless you get them professionally evaluated. There may be a geriatrician in your area who can do it. I suspect your husband knows something is “off “ with him and the frustration and worry is causing him to lash out at you. My mother has always been abusive but has gotten more so. Next came the accusations that we were stealing from her, someone was breaking in her house and taking things. Junk no one would want and her furniture that actually was in her independent living apartment after she sold her house, obviously didn’t make sense. She’s delusional now, roughly 4-5 yrs after it first all started.
You cant argue with them, what they think is real is real to them. Things you don’t view as confrontational, such as explaining something, is viewed as confrontational and makes them blow up. Her dr told me , change the subject if possible ( my mother gets more and more reved up) , if not, since she is in an ALF, leave. So if he’s safe, go to another room or the backyard. They’ll forget pretty soon.

I forgot to mention, does he have AFib? Vascular dementia is due to a series of strokes. You can see the damaged areas with a CT scan. My mother has been on a blood thinner for about a decade. The neurologist said it’s probably kept her from having a massive death dealing stroke but not the little ones causing the dementia problem. Might be good to see about that if he has heart problems. Her cardiologist assumed it would keep her from having any strokes but he obviously was wrong.

You say "relationship". Are you married to this person? If not, the Dementia/ALZ journey is a long one. ALZ being the longest.

Dementia only worsens over time. The first things to go is the ability to reason and the ability to process what is being said. You can't argue with them. Their reality is not going to be your reality. With my Mom TV, dreams and reality became all the same. Changes can literally happen overnight. My Mom declined on a monthly bases.

Please don't hide his condition. It will only come back to bite you. Others will tell you even when they explain to family a LO has Dementia, the family won't except it. And yes they can "showtime" for a little while but just enough that family may not believe you. You need to get hubby to a doctor for a good physical. There are other health problems that mimic Dementia. Dehydration, low potassium, diabetes...if found he is in the early stages of Dementia I recommend a neurologist. If found he does have a form of Dementia, have the doctor sit down in front of him and look him straight in the eye and tell him. Also, get it in writing.+

You say "don't think I can carry on this relationship" then you need to know that caring for someone needs to be out of love. If you are not married, then you have decisions to make. Caring out of obligation does not work. Its a stressful, overwhelming job. There is no consistancy in a Dementia patient and you need a lot of patience and people helping. Will "his daughter" be willing to help? Because like a child, it takes a village to care for someone. If you think him coming back at you was abuse, then you have seen nothing yet.

I think what has to be very sadly acknowledged is that he is not capable of understanding what you were telling him, so for such situations it's best for you and for him to drop the conversation that is going nowhere and causing anger, and begin another topic. The "relationship" can't be the same any longer, but you can find new ways of relating that keep you both happy. Suggestions here are good, but it's very difficult to accept this sort of change and will take much experimentation and patience. He will most likely continue to believe he is fine for quite a while and get upset when it seems you are questioning his sanity or abilities. So try to avoid those conflicts. It's a real shock when someone misunderstands your good intentions so drastically. So sorry this is happening!

If he has dementia, no matter what the form, arguing gets you or him no where. It's useless especially for the caregiver. As his dementia progresses, and he loses all reason, really what's the point? Just agree to disagree and move on. In the end most will beat you up, hit you, call you names, and put you into c-ptsd. It's best to save up your reserves for when it really matters.

Since you are already stressed, and at the beginning, it's best to get some help.

There are about 70 varieties of dementia. The most common is Alzheimer's followed by Parkinson's. Has he had a recent change in behavior? If so, maybe he has a UTI that can cause symptoms that you are seeing.

Ask his dr for nuerocognitive testing to determine what he's actually able to understand

I understand how hard it is, they lash out and as the caregiver and spouse we are who it's usually taken out on.

Before I knew about my husband's tumor I thought he was just abusive. I feel horrible about it but I spent 14 years with him being misdiagnosed. I assumed bc he's younger than I am he regretted marrying me when he was too young.

We have two little girls which only complicates it. My 14 year old daughter tells him she doesn't want to marry a man like him that she wants to be treated better than she watches him treat me. I wish our girls could understand that this isn't who he really is or at least was.

I know that words don't change your situation or make it feel better but please try to remind yourself that if he was able to choose that it would be a better scenario.

God Bless

Rosy, this is one of the most difficult lessons I have learned with my husband. If he doesn’t understand what I’ve said, I drop it and distract him with something else. Once he is confused, there is no saving the conversation. And yes, I feel I am losing my mind too. That’s where the company and conversations with sane people help balance out the surreal world we share with our demented “patient”. Your previous, normal relationship gradually becomes shredded. It is a loss that is disorienting and soul draining. You need outside support for your emotional and mental health. I’m sorry. Your pain is appreciated by thousands of fellow caregivers.

The anger comes from the confusion. He probably realizes he used to know what you were talking about, and when you keep trying to explain, you both end up frustrated. Using logic may make you feel better, but it's one of the 1st things to go with dementia. Stop forcing it on someone who can't use it anymore. Stick to one-step processes and explanations. Even "I fixed it" works better...

You have to learn to Keep It Simple.
With a broken brain, the person, your DH, can't comprehend what you're saying. So to keep Your sanity, learn to Keep It Simple.

I'm the caregiver for an elderly relative with dementia. She was always incredibly sweet and charming, and for the most part still is, but every once in awhile she lashes out at me, sometimes over nothing at all, and makes it all sound she's being the logical one; that it's all my fault she's snapping at me.

It's helped to remind myself that it's not me, and it's actually not her, either -- it's the disease. I won't say her words don't sting, because sometimes they do (her anger plays right into my my feelings of guilt for never being able to do enough), but I mostly don't take it personally now. Instead, I just move the conversation in a different direction, and the (only) good thing about short-term memory loss is that 2 minutes later she's forgotten she was angry with me and is back to her same old self!

Save yourself some aggravation and don’t argue. Redirect or don’t expect a reasonable response.

I care for my dad who behaves similarly sometimes. I find it's usually when he's embarrassed or angry at himself for not knowing something that seems like it should be easy or that he used to know. He isn't quite willing to admit it to himself yet so he lashes out or gets defensive. It's his own way of trying to redirect the focus away from what he "can't" do to what he can.

It's really really hard to learn not to remind someone of something they just said but don't seem to remember. And it's hard see our loved ones deteriorate. Just know you're not alone. Each day we have to learn to work with the person in front of us rather than the person we think we know so well.

SendHelp’s answer reminded me of something I was told that really helped. She wisely says, “Keep in mind that your hubs is not the enemy, but an illness may cause him to act this way.” We were given a variation of that, which has become a mantra for me (inside my head and sometimes out loud to him). It’s along the lines of “I’m not the enemy. I’m your wife trying to help you.” The brain tends to immediately mirror what the eyes are seeing in another person, so when I get myself fully focused on not being dangerous, it’s lots more likely that he will mirror my calmness. On the other hand, when I’m furious, tired, irritated, or feeling sorry for myself, that is mirrored back to me as well. Basic science based in what “mirror neurons” are built to do. And this is also why it never pays to take up the fight.

Here’s why that was so important to me. In looking at the results of his scan, we were shown the areas of his brain that were actually being destroyed day by day. We could see the shrinkage, which was pretty sobering. If I remember correctly (lol - irony, eh?) it was the “executive function” area that was worst. External input goes directly to the amygdala, which is always on high alert and scans first for danger, then the executive function part of the brain quickly determines if it is really dangerous or not and devises a course of action. So when I was trying to explain to him why his doctor wanted him to eat these (nonfavorite) foods and not eat these (favorite) foods, he saw me as the enemy and everything after that was designed to protect him from someone who intended him harm. With the executive function gone, he is unable to mitigate this response by thinking, “Wait, that’s not a dangerous enemy; that’s my wife trying to help me.” So instead of arguing, I stop, look him in the eye (where I still believe I can often see his old self) and say, “I love you very much,” and kiss him on the forehead or cheek or sometimes the lips, constantly repeating to myself, “I’m not the enemy. I’m his wife trying to help him and his brain is physically incapable of understanding that”. Then I ask if there’s anything I can get him and smile reassuringly at him and go about my business. (That’s on a good day, keep in mind. It works well so I’m remembering more often to use it — more as a way to prevent tantrums and to keep me from accepting the invitation to fight). Meanwhile, yes, I have taken on the finances. And I follow him closely when he shows up with tools and heads off to fix something. I guess my formula is becoming, “Detach, Distract, Disappear, Decompress” with a healthy reminder that his brain is incapable of the responses I remember so fondly and miss so very much, but it is not incapable of recognizing acts of love, kindness, and compassion. As has been said, having a strong social support network and possibly a support group or therapist is a tremendous help in maintaining serenity in the midst of the chaos that is dementia. Knowing he is frightened and feels he’s fighting for his life (rather than angry and hateful) reframed his situation in ways that help me do the right thing more often than the wrong thing. I doubt we ever reach a perfect record, but celebrate your successes where you find them. It is a long journey and every bit of joy and victory along the way is a blessing for which we can be grateful. (There I go again, blathering on instead of stopping with the 4-line post I had intended. Hope something in there is useful to someone. Be kind to yourself first; it helps counter burnout.

I have it read all above but having lost my husband to dementia 12 years of it I read a lot & great support group helped. I saw on 60 min. The healthy partner said ‘would you like me to help?’ That way they still have control. We must remember in their world you can’t fix. It is what it is. In our world you can fix. We only frustrate them by trying to teach or just tell them that in their brain have lost. My husband once after respite care said he really enjoyed it because of the people there, nothing was expected of you.

This sounds exactly like what I go through more often than not. Each time it happens I practically hit myself in the head and say to myself: Why do I keep doing this? He doesn't understand/comprehend. I think it keeps happening because I want to try and be as clear, in as simple an explanation as I can. But the more words used the more confused he gets. I want to help him feel that he is still part of the conversation, or life in general. I wish I had a script I could use that would help me not get tangled up in frustration and added tension.

One thing I suggest is learn/read as much as you can about dementia. There is no 'one size fits all', but there are many common signs/behaviors. Not everyone experiences them all, nor will all experience or respond to them the same way. Despite that, there are ways to circumvent issues that work for most people's behaviors.

"He looked at me blankly."
I sensed mom was starting dementia, it was very early and I hadn't learned much at that time. Mostly it was difficulty with finances, repeating herself and some confusion, but so minimal that if you didn't know her, you might not realize what was going on. When she said her cousin picked her up for a baby shower while I was taking her home, I corrected her and said that was my daughter, your granddaughter. Basically she clammed up (probably similar to your husband's blank response.) Fortunately I didn't continue the discussion (nor did she), but now I know better. Some might get nasty or argumentative at the first "correction." Others, like my mother, may just look inward and try to figure things out (which doesn't work either!) Ways to handle that? Drop the subject. Redirect the conversation, if you feel the need to continue contact, to something else. Do not try to reason with him.

Continuing to try to get him to understand is the equivalent of arguing with him. No amount of explanation is going to help if he doesn't understand the first statement(s.) It isn't really an argument in the true sense, but it IS pointless, fruitless and will frustrate you (and probably him) to no end. The best thing to do is drop the discussion or change the subject to something benign at the first sign of confusion.

"So, now he's looking at the wall-mounted calendar and saying "November???", it's May." Having trouble comprehending time becomes difficult. Although he knows (or can see from the calendar) that it is May, trying to grasp what November has to do with anything now he what is having trouble with.

"... says that he's fine, that he forgets some words now and again (actually all the time - can't finish a question/sentence unless I help him." Mom's standard answer about forgetting is she is old and is entitled to forget now and then! Problem is she wasn't aware of how much she was forgetting. If he doesn't object to help with words or finishing a thought, continue to help. If he gets angry, hold off. He may still get frustrated and/or angry at those times, but if you "force" correction on him, he may not take it well! There is a bit of finesse required (and a learning curve, for YOU!)

"I really think I should stop doing that so that people start to see the problem." There is no point to "hiding" the issue. Of course you don't want him to be embarrassed in front of others, but hiding the problem solves nothing. Many more people have dementia today, and so many are understanding of this problem as well. They might not only commiserate with you, but could be helpful too.

If you haven't already prepared by getting everything in order (POAs, wills, trusts, etc.), it might not be too late. A good Elder Care Attorney can determine if he is still capable of understanding and signing legal documents. However, being somewhat combative he might not agree to go. IF you can get him to go, let the attorney be alone with him so he can make the determination AND perhaps help him to see the sense in doing these tasks for general reasons (leave out dementia!) Oftentimes people might listen to others before listening to those closest to them.

Additionally, you might want to start checking out facilities. IF he becomes difficult, either physically or emotionally, for you to handle, it might be best to move him. It doesn't sound like he needs this yet, but it is best to be prepared. Sometimes some medication can help, but he would need to see the doctor and perhaps have more testing done. Not all medications work for all forms of dementia, and some are counter-productive.

Be sure you take care of you too.

Sounds like the confusion is getting worse BUT
You need to understand that he is not doing this on purpose and you can not argue or explain. You will NEVER win an argument with a person that has dementia.
If he understands what is happening he is frightened, he may realize he is loosing control over his memory and that would frighten anyone.
Just reassure him that "we" took care of everything and it is all right. If he dwells on it because he does not understand redirect the conversation. "lets go watch our show" or "lets get an ice cream" but don't "push buttons you don't have to push"
Save the "arguments" for the big stuff and most of the stuff is small stuff. Getting to a doctor's appointment on time..that's big stuff..(but planning ahead takes the stress out of that)
The less you stress him the less stress you will have and in turn that will make him less stressed...see how that works out!

OH...and finishing sentences just give him time I know it is hard to do, I am a 100 miles and hour person and when I had to slow down to my Husbands pace there were times it drove me up a wall but to try to rush him would not accomplish anything. And again the less stress I put on him to do something or say something the easier it was for him to communicate what he wanted or needed. (until he became non-verbal in some ways that was easier but I then missed the drawn out thoughts)

When it's important (why I want you to wash the poop off your hands, why we don't air dry used Kleenex, (if I get sick I won't be able to take care of you here) Or if I am going away, I'll be back, you will still live here, I wrote it down to give dad several opportunities to process the information. He also saved it has a reminder. That worked the best.

It took me a while to learn what to do if a discussion is starting to move in the wrong direction. Excuse yourself because you just remembered that you have to call Aunt Mabel or you have to go turn off the oven. Take your time. When you get back, chances are good that the battlefield will have disappeared. It worked for me, a number of times. Also keep in mind, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again".

I'm still caregiver for my husband, diagnosed w/ vascular dementia & on oxygen therapy for almost four yrs. some days are ok but there has been a lot of frustration, anger and impatience. I've realized that it's progressing and have read and am self teaching myself strategies that work better. If he asked a question I answer/ explain he would ask again several times, get agitated, a bit of verbal abusive and perhaps can not process my answer? It's my guessing, but now I save us stress by just telling him I have to go pottie, the dog wants to eat etc. Anything to remove myself from that moment & I find that in a few minutes he's forgotten the issue at hand. I found this out the first time I returned to him and asked " what was that you asked me?" His reply " I forgot." and it was all ok then. It's sad, I miss the person I married but
we have to deal. I try not to think of the what ifs; What happens when I can't take care of him by myself anymore ? etc. Prayer works for me. Gods grace abounds and is enough. He saw me through my caregiving for my mother & also my son until their passing. I was much younger then ( 77 yrs. soon ) but I know and tell everyone that God will get me through this too. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽s for you.
God bless

All good comments. When you are at the front end of this possibly long journey, it is difficult dealing with things like taking away the car keys, taking away the financial role, getting him to a doctor. You are in luck if he has been getting annual checkups and the next one is coming up soon, then you have an easier job of getting him to agree to go. Then make sure the doctor gets things started by doing the preliminary mental checks, then referring you to a mental doctor for further work. And for yourself, check with the Alzheimer Assoc for caregiver classes in your area, and check into caregiver support groups. If you can't leave him alone it will obviously make getting to these meetings more difficult. You knew enough to find your way into this forum, so I am sure you will find it easy to make some of these other contacts. If you can get him to go, there are day-care facilities that take dementia patients. God bless you, and good luck!

It sounds like a form of dementia to me. Has he been diagnosed by a Geriatric Physcian who specializes in this type of care? Another writer suggested reading “The 36 Hour Day” which is a great book to help you nornpmalize your experience therefore helping you to decrease your sense of isolation. I would suggest a therapist or clinical sccial worker who has experience with supporting caregivers with a knowledge of the disease process. The Alzheimer’s Association may have support groups in your area. There is grief in being a caregiver for a spouse because your “relationship” about which you mention is no longer the relationship you had. But as humans we keep looking for the relation that was and isn’t the same. A good therapist can help you learn the art of practing detached-attachment while grieving at the same time. There may be a point in time where you call in home care for support or finally have to look for some form of extended care facility. Having a professional with experience in this field can be a real help.

Tip - Many magazine subscription services will actually trick a person into renewing before necessary. That can be confusing to even a person of lucid mind. This may not be your issue. I wouldn't throw in the towel, though. Your spouse needs help.

Could be More in Store...Hope you Get him Checked Out....

disguted: Wow. Thank you for your post. Magazine publishers have become very slick in their practices. My DH has actually created a record book to tell when he's subscribed and its expiration date. I don't subscribe at all, but I bought one copy of the R. D. mag and was appalled at its now shabby "look." I'll never waste my money on it ever again. Sorry that you had to go through all that.

If that is not the way he is usually and already has dementia, it's progressing. If he does not have dementia it may be early signs of it. When it's dementia you cannot reason with them, you simply agree. To try to do different frustrates them more and runs you crazy