I feel like damaged goods...

I've been reluctant to post because I have no life experience with what you are going through but I don't think a post like yours should go unanswered for over an hour. You are still in the early stages of grieving and it is a very complicated grief, you need to give yourself time to find your footing. It seems to me that beyond the loss of your father you need strategies and counsel from others dealing with family members who have alcohol problems, have you ever attended Al-Anon?

Oh boy, how I feel your pain. Just about my entire childhood was screwed due to my brother’s heroin addiction.

Yeah, so those of us who struggle to find ourselves after living with addicts find some healing and joy as an adult, then BAM the caregiving years hit!

It’s impossible not to be thrown back into a funk. My dad is gone now too but daddy and I overcame and totally healed with one another and actually became very close.

With mom there was healing too and we were close for many years until the heavy responsibility of caregiving hit.

My caregiving days of mom ended but not in a peaceful manner. Mom didn’t accept boundaries and stirred up so much crap that my brothers accused me of elder abuse.

I had to tell her to go live with my brother and SIL. It’s over for me but I still deal with the sadness of all the miserable 14 plus years that she lived in my house and grieving for a mom that is alive. It never ends in our heads. I hope one day it will and that I find true peace.

I had plans to place her in an assisted living facility and then visit as her daughter. That was what I dreamed about.

I refuse to go by my brother’s house. Would be a nightmare at his house. I never felt welcome in his house.

She will not visit me. Saying it’s too hard to get out. She gets out to doctor’s appointments. That’s the only place she would go.

I sincerely hope that you also are able to find peace in your life, upstream.

Take care and hugs.

Upstream, great big warm hug!!!!

Are you able to disconnect from your mom for a week or 10 days? You need time for you right now and I don't think she is helping you grieve.

It is so important to take care of you right now. Your body was obviously running on adrenaline and now you are feeling the effects of losing part of what has kept you hypervigilant for the last decade. Your body is all at odds and ends because of this. You will probably crash and sleep for 3 days if you can get your mom out of things for a while.

Can I encourage you to eat healthy, get lots of vitamin c and use a magnesium supplement, good for your nerves and helpful to build you up.

One thing at a time for right now, you have suffered a big loss and it is okay to tell mom to leave you alone. Hugs!

I am so sorry to read such a gut retching post. You deserve so much better. I would back away, either get some in home care for her or when she goes on a bender have her baker acted refuse to take her home and let them deal with her.

For me, it would be time to cut the cord, you have done more than your part, let her go. It is either you or her, I would choose you. Sending hugs your way!

Grieving is mentally and emotionally draining by itself. It might be worth the expense to hire someone for awhile to bring in groceries and pay the bills. Does your mother need health and hygiene help as well? Try to arrange for help with the necessities and then step back.
You need a break..

The substance abuse that runs through families is so very destructive to all who must struggle to escape the horrors of it. Yes, you are tired. Grieving the death of your father takes all of your emotional strength, then on top of that your mom's disease is demanding energy you do not have. It's okay to write her checks for her, but I suggest to not engage with her in other way, except to perhaps ask if she is willing to get help to detox. Is she in AA? If so, she has a sponsor. This is not for you to work out for her. She has to do it herself. It seems she is just selfish, and that causes you emotional pain, but really she is very sick. I would have suggested an intervention, but you do not have the strength to organize anything like that right now. Take care of yourself.

Yes you have a future and no this is not normal. I've not experienced this, but if I were ya'll, I think I'd sell my house and leave for good to save myself and my marriage! Calling you at anytime of day or night to get her some beer is uncalled for.

It’s impossible to see the light of day when you’re suffering from such extreme physical and emotional exhaustion. But that doesn’t mean the light isn’t there. YOU have a future but right now, let’s take baby steps. You need to be gentle with yourself and take the time to grieve: for the loss of your father, for the loss of an independent life, and for the loss of the family you really needed because it was taken by dysfunction and alcoholism. It won’t happen overnight, but with each step you’ll stand a little taller. Google adult children of alcoholics and read everything you can find. Al-Anon meetings are great so try that if you can. At some point, you’ll need to decide what to do about mom. Remember, you can’t fix her. You can only fix yourself and how you deal with her. But right now, you cry, you scream, you block your mother’s calls and you sleep for as long as you can. We’ll have better days and we will get through this. Hugs.

Been there and still doing it! Burnout from caregiving is a growing epidemic in U.S. according to my psych doc. I burned out about 5 years a go and checked myself into the mental behavioral ward in my local hospital. Fortunately my son lived in the same house as my mother and me and took over her care for 7 days. It was a nightmare. I was the only patient at the time suffering caregiver BO. The majority of people were being treated for suicide, depression, etc. Long story short, the staff psych doc changed my depression and anxiety meds and i was coerced into participating in social activities everyday i was there. At night there was no sleeping as i could hear patients screaming, crying, foot steps in and out of rooms. After 3 days i had had enough however they would not allow me to go home until they felt i could handle the stress of caring for my mother. I had a second episode several years after this one and the 2nd time was far worse than the the 1st time. Try not to let yourself get to this breaking point. Meditate, exercise, do breathing exercises, go for a quick walk...read a spiritual book...anything to focus on positive experiences. You will make it and remember you have a choice.

Upstream,

I cared for my brother who was a heroin addict. It just about destroyed me.

I was putting myself at risk. He had hepatitisC from his lifestyle. I should have abandoned him many times but my mom kept asking me to help him. The bottom line is even though addiction is considered an illness, they are still selfish. Addicts ALWAYS put themselves first.

He was too sick to clean his apartment so when I brought him to his doctor appointments I would stay afterwards to help him clean.

The day I pricked my finger on one of his needles that he shot up heroin with, infected with hepatitisC, I quit cleaning for him. Thank God I didn’t draw blood. It scared the hell out of me though.

After his motorcycle accident where he almost died I nearly lost it. My other siblings did not go to see him.

My mom couldn’t go, so I went. He was in horrible pain. He was so tolerant to drugs from being a heroin addict that the amount of pain meds that they gave him in the hospital did not help.

He was desperate and asked me to meet with his dealer to buy drugs for him. I lost it! I couldn’t even answer him. I left his hospital room and fell apart in the hall.

A lovely nurse stopped to check on me and told me that I had to tell my mom that I couldn’t care for him any longer.

I went back in his hospital room and told him to never ask me to buy drugs for him ever again.

I still cared for him. I couldn’t pull myself away. It hurt like hell to see him destroy himself. Like a fool I thought if I loved him enough he would at some point agree to rehab. I understand emotionally what you are dealing with.

We have so many mixed emotions growing up with addicts. It’s more complex than people realize. I will never judge you.

Yours is alcohol with your parents. Mine was drugs with my brother but it doesn’t matter. It’s still addiction. Addiction specialists will tell you this. I tried to get him into Bridge House here in New Orleans. He would not go.

My brother was odd. He could do what many can’t. He would throw himself into a room and go ‘cold turkey’ but was never able to stay away. He always went back to drugs. I watched him overdose from the time I was 7 years old. It scarred me for life. Earlier in his life he was very successful and even owned his own business, a hair salon.

Addicts will not change. The last straw was an afternoon where we had a horrible argument and I told he and my mom that it was over.

It finally hit a head and I was able to walk away until he was dying and I brought mom to the end of life hospice facility. Then my other brothers went to see him. They didn’t have anything to do with him before that. I did forgive my brother. I am glad mom got to see her first born son before he died.

His friend called us to say that he brought him to hospice. He had been homeless until this man, a perfect stranger, took him in. The man had an unused RV on his property and let my brother use it.

I don’t know if you can walk away from your mom or if you even want to. If you do, I stand behind you and support you. I know how hard it is. Please don’t allow her to destroy you. I don’t regret walking away. I had mom living with me then and I couldn’t stretch myself that thin. It was killing me.

You deserve to live. Dealing with addicts will slowly kill you. It was too late for my brother. He was in too deep. Some people manage to quit using and stay sober. I wish with all my heart and soul that he could have done that. He lived his life as a tortured soul. So very sad.

Upstream, I've been away all day and am just getting to reply now.

You are not damaged goods. You are grieving. Your mother is an addict and if you keep propping her up, she will have no reason to change her behavior.

You need to go to Al-Anon. You need to detach from mom and call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. She is not going to get the right help if you keep bailing her out.

It's called detaching with love.
(((((Hugs))))))

I’m so sorry about your Dad & what you’re going through with your mom. I’ve found this site to be very helpful even if it’s only to see that you’re not the only one dealing with some type of family struggle. Wishing you all the best.

It’s only been a month for me and I’ve seriously considered drinking. I have no life at all!!! I’m stuck with no hope. Yes... I feel wrung out and don’t know what to do

Kristy, my advice is to place your mother in Memory Care ASAP.
Drinking will not solve your problems, but make them worse. You do have a choice, but it is up to you to change your circumstances. It has only been one month and you are so stressed out. Please consult with elder services, and do something now. I would also get into counseling. I hope you make some good decisions and wish you well.

I agree with Barb....get to an AL Anon meeting right away and report your mother to APS so BOTH of you can be saved now.

Kristy....drinking numbs the pain you're feeling but winds up leaving you with a much bigger albatross around your neck than you already have....alcoholism. Numbing pain doesn't fix the issue causing the pain....just temporarily postpones it. It's still there after the hangover, trust me, I know. I don't know what your situation is that makes you feel hopeless, but post your own question here separately and get a ton of advice and support from people who are all in the same boat.

Sending you a big HUG tonight and a prayer for the strength and courage to seek help to get OUT of this situation right away.

Upstream,

My condolences on the passing of your father. Even though you had such strife with him in his latter years, it is still a loss and a blow to your emotions and spirit.

Like so many others have suggested, please check out Al-anon. You have been, and continue to be affected, by someone else’s drinking. It affects you physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and can affect your relationships as well. Al-anon teaches you to live with some degree of serenity whether the alcoholic drinks or not. Anyone, and I mean anyone! who has been affected by another’s crazy-making behavior would benefit greatly from this program. It teaches practical steps to take to begin to live and react differently and make better choices.

Go online and read about the program. Talk to someone in an Al-anon forum online like you do here. Call the hotline and talk to someone. Please go to a meeting. If you don’t like it, go to another (usually a town will have several different meetings). Don’t wait until your mother passes. That will not cure your feelings of being “damaged goods”. For today, take some steps toward seeing how others returned to sanity after being affected by someone else’s drinking. Do this for you and for your family.

Al-anon is not a temperance society, so don’t feel you have to stop drinking yourself in order to attend. I say this because I have known people who didn’t want to attend because they were social drinkers and thought they would have to give it up.

I feel that you are accepting that giving your life up to and for your parents is your only option? It isn't. I feel you should seek help in exploring options now, and in accepting that the choices you make moving forward are your own choices. Please get help. I am so sorry for your pain and for all you are going through.

Totally agree. My whole childhood I thought we were poor although both parents had good paying jobs and my mother worked when women didn’t work at all. I could never work it out. My childhood was a nightmare Didn’t see either of them for 15 years because I wouldn’t let them near my children

then mother gets diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and in care at age 66. Father can’t pay his bills or feed himself. Brother turns up from UK unexpectedly to force Dad to sell his house. Turns out father was a life long gambler. Had a reverse mortgage on the house (150K AUS) Cashed in everything they had to gamble. Then he gets one thing after another but still hangs on to 88. They actually ran out of room on the death certificate While during the last six if those years battling through with a husband with FTD. Forced to move to a new state to be near son to help with his Dad and he is a real help. BUT then his wife cheats on him and walks out the door because she wants to have fun. Left 2 and 4 yo with me for six weeks while dealing with my husband. Now they have one week on one week off parenting arrangement which means I have them for the week and they are hard work

other son blames me for his poor life choices and when the bank of mum and dad is shut down, I’m a c*nt who gave his father dementia
i have absolutely no life even though husband is now in care. However it seems to be just as much work but with anything up to 12 phone calls a day from him. I am the person that has to keep going so everyone else’s life can keep going and I am sick of it
Get out while you can and let your mother’s troubles fall where they may

Hugs, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. To answer your question, YES I still feel wrung out 9 months after mom's passing. I'm still trying to get my energy back it seems like sometimes. After years of being hypervigilant, it's not easy to relax still.

I read where you wrote that your mom has been admitted to mental health facilities several times/Baker Acted. I would suggest since she is on a bender currently and really unable to function, maybe see if you could have her Baker Acted again for being a danger to herself - but have her assessed by a psych doc who specializes in geriatrics and see if they would recommend facility placement, possibly even recommend a transfer to NH or memory care if she is a danger to herself living alone, which it sounds like she is a major fall risk at minimum due to the drinking combined with impaired mobility. The SW there could probably help with applying for Medicaid if needed.

I remember last October when my mother was in a psych facility, her SW told me that it was a matter of time before my mom was going to need NH care, and even recommended a facility that specialized in residents with dual diagnosis of mental illness and dementia and gave me their contact info.

It can be very hard and very isolating dealing with a parent with addiction or mental health issues in addition to dementia and age related decline, and is doubly hard when you have family dysfunction. Hugs, I hope you are able to be able to get some time for you and some rest amidst everything you are dealing with right now.

Upstream I hope your dad died peacefully, I know this has been a long road for you. Sending you a huge hug. 💜

You have done so much for your parents, you are not damaged goods, you are an amazing person!

Please try to be gentle on yourself and let yourself grieve in whatever way works for YOU.

Unfortunately I’m not surprised your mom is on a bender. If it ends up in a hospitalization please try to get a doctors order for a care facility. To be honest I’m surprised that hasn’t happened yet with the Baker Acts, etc. Do her doctors know she drinks to excess? Just curious because I only very recently had a conversation with my mom’s doctor about her alcohol use because she combines it with opiates. These doctors need to know we aren’t with our elderly parents 24/7 and take that into account when deciding if they are safe to live alone.

To answer your question, I didn’t get the handbook either and my mother has wrecked my life too. You are not alone in this. I think the best we can do is get them into care when it gets to be too much. I’m glad you have that LTC insurance, that will help.