I had tried to prepare her but of course she didn’t remember. She was so angry at me, looked me in the eye and said “ I can’t believe you did this to me”
I just couldn’t alone anymore. My siblings are mostly in California, as are her grandchildren so I chose a place near to them so they can visit.
Its 2 weeks now and she’s still having crying days, some good, but mostly bad. On phone calls she says she’s waiting to get picked up to go home.
Im sad but it was for the best, professionals there who know how to take care of her as a team, not just her daughter by herself.
I just need to know how others handled this.
Thank you
Ask the staff how she is when you are not there, when you are not on the phone with her.
A move is a BIG adjustment for anyone let alone someone with dementia.
And there are medications that can help with anxiety and depression so consider that as a possibility later on.
Realistically.
Welcome to the Forum. When you are here a few weeks you will understand that this is the NORM, and will understand it even more quickly if you speak to the administration there.
I cannot know how happy a camper your mom has been throughout her life, but there is little of "happiness" in old age, and I can assure you of that as I am 81. It is more an endurance marathon.
Look at it this way, your mother's life now is all about loss. Start at the head and go to the toes that can't feel much of anything anymore. Thinning hair, hearing loss, balance loss, eyesight failing, skin a mess, hairs growing our of the chin instead of other places where you need it. The cervical spine is compressing and the neck muscles hurt and nerve pain shoot down the arms into the fingers. You cannot multitask. Your appetite is waning and you're sleep more of the time.
I can go down through the systems. But I will spare you as I think you have been a first hand observer.
Your mother is in care now which is where she should be lest she take down the survivors with her. However, every time she sees you she thinks you can/will/should/must save her. So you are the target for every bit of ill will she can muster, and for her right now anger is easier than weeping.
Here's the thing.
You didn't cause all this.
You can't fix this.
You are not and cannot hold yourself responsible for this.
You need to understand that this is GRIEF for you both. Not guilt, but GRIEF pure and simple. Your mom has had her life. I hope it was a good one because it was her one and only chance.
And NOW is your ONE AND ONLY CHANCE.
I always caution grown children not to sacrifice their lives on the burning funeral pyre of their loved one. I am 81. My daughter is 62. This is the most free time of her life when she will not have to work, when her own son is grown, educated, and flown the nest. When it is time for HER and her husband to do their hobbies, to travel. Are they then to give that up and come this awful journey of death and dying with me? Why? So that an application for Sainthood would look good? Because Sainthood is one very bad job description.
You and Mom will have to endure this tough change as best you can.
I welcome you to the Forum. You can help others and perhaps get some few pointers from those of us who were there, are there, will be there.
Good luck.
PS, you can be a daughter or a caregiver. You can't be both. Assuming the mantle of caregiver makes you the decider, the limit setter, the boss who wants someone to get up, get exercise. Caregivers are not your loving daughter. Don't let that happen. Remain the loving daughter who visits, sympathizes, does her best to comfort, and weeps with her loved one.
Your best bet is to call the nurse to find out how mom is doing. Keep your calls to a minimum for awhile because all you'll hear is accusations instead of anything else. My husband once asked my mother to tell him ONE thing she was grateful for, and for the life of her, she couldn't think of one! She was always a glass half empty type of person, unless she had an audience to play to.
Mom will adjust in time. She's well cared for, fed, safe, has activities and peers to talk to. That's all she needs. Some folks in Memory Care Assisted Living are happy as clams and others are miserable as the day is long. Especially when visitors come by. Don't internalize her words.
Best of luck to you.
You know that you did exactly what you needed to do for yourself and your mom.
Very often, advocates are able to accomplish more for their parents than those who are doing the hands on caregiving alone.
I cared for my mom alone in my home for many years and it became overwhelming.
When my mother entered an end of life hospice care home, she had a professional staff at her disposal. This gives a family peace of mind.
I agree with Lea. Check in with the staff for the most accurate assessment of your mom’s situation.
Wishing you peace as you continue to be a strong advocate for your mom.
When I visit my mum and get her to drink the meal replacement milkshake, which she detests, she tells me that I'm a dreadful daughter, that she wouldn't have thought I could be so mean, and that she wouldn't treat me like that.
I reply with something along the lines of:
"You're right, I'm awful! But I learned how to be this way from you, Mum. You would never have let one of your residents starve themselves to death, just because they don't want to drink a tiny milkshake. I learned it all from you!"
Mum doesn't really remember being a nurse or the manager of a sheltered housing complex (a step down, in terms of in-house care, from where she lives now) and she just scowls at me, like a child who is cross at being made to eat their greens.
Think about a new situation you've been in - A job, a new neighborhood, a cross-country move. Were you happy for the first few months? Even a year?
When we moved from Buffalo to Florida, I couldn't find my way around without GPS.
My "stuff" wasn't in the same place it was, back home.
My workplace was different.
My friends were hundreds of miles away.
I wasn't happy.
Now, I have a wonderful church family, an ADORABLE grandson, and satisfying volunteer work. I can find my way around, and I know where my stuff is. I found my way.
My 25 year old daughter moved here with us - voluntarily. Two weeks after we moved, she sobbed, just missing her old life and old job.
I pushed her to go to Sunday School and to join the worship team at our new church. She finally gave in, and she met the team's drummer, and a year later, married him. She had the above ADORABLE grandson, who is five years old. She has a gaggle of wonderful friends. She found her way.
So? Normal. Transition takes AWHILE.
With our mothers living with dementia, again, their unhappiness becomes OUR unhappiness - cause we let it.
In any normal life transition, we would KNOW that it's hard, and it's normal. NORMAL.
Try the best you can to remember this fact, and let your mom find her way. She will. ◡̈
Best wishes, and we're cheering for you!
thank you
You did not place her as punishment, you were burdened and stressed by caregiving you expected would be easy. You tried a full year, and realized it was a significant burden for you, having no medical experience.
Ask yourself, did your Mom take care of her elderly mother? Move her in with her?
Most elders have the concept "being put in a home" is the worst thing that could happen to them. Having 24/7 care, meals, housekeeping, a safe place and activities is not prison. She is taken care of by professionals who are trained to handle dementia.
You did not cause her to get old and have dementia. At her age, she is aware her life will be ending soon. Of course it is frightening and depressing. She isn't going to be happy. But she is safe and not alone.
I will never expect anyone to caregive me when I reach the end of my life. I will find and move into Assisted Living and enjoy not having to cook, clean and struggle.
You did the right thing, so cry it out and stay strong.
My husband and I moved in with my parents in 2018 . My Dad had Altzheimer’s and Multiple Myeloma and died in 2019 . We didn’t want to leave my Mom and luckily , my husband was ok with that and treats my Mom, who now has Vascular Dimentia and Parkinson’s, so we’ll . The first 3 years were fun . We took her with us on trips - never left her home . But now , it’s more difficult . She is 93. I’m 71 and my husband is 79 . My Mom is very dependent on me . She never wants me out of her sight . I lost my only sibling in 2003 . We ended up selling our home because she couldn’t do stairs and didn’t have a MLM. It is so hard . I’m the bad parent now and my husband is the good one . But , we do not have a life . I love my Mom so much . We were very close - best friends , but being a caregiver and daughter is not good . When I was younger , I stayed in the area where they lived . My sister moved . She loved my parents and it would have been such a comfort to have her here now to help me .But God saw differently . It is difficult finding someone who has a nursing degree to come in and help , to give us a break . I feel guilty leaving her . I have no children to help out either . I’m in a bind 😥
I am glad you realize this was for the best. You did not "do this to her", her disease did.
You have insured she is in a safe place that meets her needs and is close to family so she can have visitors.
It is not your responsibility to make your mom happy. No one can make someone else happy. When someone is old, sick, and nearing the end of life, there is not much to even BE happy about.
You let her know she is loved and cared for - that is your responsibility, and you are doing it.
The reality is that moving is a big adjustment for ANYONE. When people are asked if they have had any major life changes recently - a move is usually one of the options on that list. Even moving from one house to another house in the same town (not changing schools, just houses) was a big change for my daughters when we moved 5 years ago. It took them a lot longer than 21 days to adjust and they were 17 and 19.
What does "not adjusting" look like? Is she trying to escape daily? Or is she just not "happy" and making her feelings known? Because I'm going to be really honest with you - almost no one adjusts to living in senior living to the point of being so content that they never complain and stop talking about going home.
With dementia - she may never fully adjust because from one day to the next she may not remember why she is there.
But here is the key - YOU know. And you said it in your post. "I just couldn't do it alone anymore.". When someone has dementia, and they get to a certain point, it is really beyond your control to be able to take care of them 24 hours a day. You have to focus more on what keeps them safe and less on what keeps them happy.
Because what keeps them happy can change from day to day, but what keeps them safe is going to stay pretty much the same. And you have to focus on what they need over what they want.
In my humble opinion, you did what you need to do. I completely support your decision. You cannot fix her. She is safe and that is really important. Sometimes we have to accept that we cannot be the answer but we can be part of the solution (I don't mean to be trite). Sometimes we have to make hard decisions. I would not change the decisions I made and I know my parents are safer today then they were living in their home.
Sending you good thoughts.
My suggestion is to stay away for a week or two and then go back to see her. If she is still angry keep the visit short and try again in another week. It takes a few weeks to get settled into memory care if not longer. My mom is still settling in since the beginning of March and asks to go home every time. However, she doesn't remember that I am the one who took her there so she is not angry at me. I can't imagine how bad that must feel because I feel really awful when my mom tells me how much she just wants to go home.
I am sorry you have to endure this. Just know that you made the best decision for her and even if the demensia mind does not agree, if she was in her right mind, she would probably agree. I was lucky in this area too. My mom had several very lucid days just before I moved her and we discussed her "moving" to assisted living. She was actually happy and looking forward to it when her mind was "right" but later, she just wanted to go home.
My mom was at home with me until it was unsafe to continue. I know I did the right thing even if she doesn't agree with me in her altered state. I hope you know this too!
For us, to help her feel better when she is upset, we and the caregivers there say,
"Your brother will be here tomorrow to take you home." and that seems to bring her joy in the moment.
Good luck.
He is 84. I am 76. It would be cruel.
We have no family and few friends our age. I get no other physical or emotional support. I am scared for myself and yet the guilt of placing him is too overwhelming.
Your husband will tell you he loves you every time you visit him. But he won't be telling you he loves you indefinitely; he will change and you will be heartbroken. It would be better if you were somewhere that would be best for you, when that happens.
You need to look after yourself.
Use funds from the sale of the house to pay a removal company to help you. There are always ways around problems, especially if you can pay.
In part, it says: The adjustment period for a loved one transitioning into a dementia care community can span days, weeks, or months. Unfortunately, there’s no way to predict how long the adjustment period will last or what challenges and environmental triggers will have to be overcome during the process. ... There are things you can do to ease a loved one’s struggles, fears, and anxiety stemming from the initial move into dementia care. Family counseling and family support groups at dementia care communities can help ease the transition for everyone.
After the Move to Dementia Care: Unhappiness vs. Adjustment
The initial move into dementia care has been linked to increased behavioral symptoms like depression, agitation, and confusion. Family members often struggle to determine if these responses are expressions of unhappiness or typical responses to the adjustment.
Experts believe nearly 40 percent of people with Alzheimer’s disease suffer from “significant” depression, so the unhappiness-versus-adjustment question isn’t an easy one to answer. Symptoms of depression can include sadness that lasts for more than a day, declining interest in almost all activities, fatigue and tiredness, feelings of worthlessness, and thoughts or talk of death.
Likewise, agitation is a common response to the initial move into dementia care. Pacing, restlessness, wandering, and emotional outbursts can all result. Physicians may elect to prescribe antidepressants, mood stabilizers, or other medications.
Create a calm, relaxing environment.
Avoid triggers like television, loud noises, or certain situations.
Check for signs of pain, hunger, thirst, and other causes of discomfort.
Simplify tasks and routines to alleviate frustration.
Encourage exercise.
Serving as a liaison between dementia care staff, medical providers, and your loved one will ensure that everything possible is being done to ease the transition into dementia care and to address any underlying conditions that could be the root cause of unhappiness.
Helping a Loved One Adjust to Dementia Care: Because everyone’s transition into dementia care is different, there’s no surefire list of solutions to address every need and situation that will arise. There are, however, a number of general guidelines that have been found to help ease the transition for the vast majority of people.
Telling a loved one about the move to dementia care in advance can create anticipation anxiety and negative thoughts that can culminate into negative actions. Instead, wait until just before the move, or even the day of the move, to begin the transition on an even keel. Then, you might benefit from “fiblets” and not being forthcoming with news that this will be your loved one’s new home, at least until he or she is more settled in.
After the move, these tips and techniques are widely used to help ease the transition:
Make It Home: Bringing important or familiar items from home like photos, wall art, and furniture will make the dementia care apartment feel familiar and homey, helping reduce agitation and creating a sense of calm.
Gena's response: I lost my response when copying the above. In essence, it is important to take care of yourself ... realize you did / are doing what is a loving gesture / in the best interest of your mom.
* You are grieving. Allow yourself to grieve. Journal writing, support from friends, family, buy yourself flowers, go for a walk in the park.
* Discuss w administrator / manager of facility if / when visiting is appropriate. Often it is advised to not visit to give loved one time to adjust to their new surroundings/people.
* Give her hope ... tell her it is temporary while you are renovating the house / painting her room. Tell her often "I love you."
Gena / Touch Matters
I know it’ll take time, I just need to let it all work out.
Once we explain, she calms down for a bit, but then starts back up.
Its the disease, not her just trying to go back home. She can't even tell us where home is.
What to do for your mom?
You breathe
You do all the things for yourself that you have been putting of because of caregiving and worry.
You accept that you mom is aging, trust me we all know is SUCks.
Your mom is safe and where she needs to be
You get a massage, listen to your favorite music, journal, eat right, take walks .
You do you! For a while, get your head in a good place, then you deal with your moms problems. In a much better, clear headed way.
Best of luck
I admitted my 88 year old mother last August and it has been a harrowing experience ever since. Fortunately, and yes, I say fortunately w/grace, she no longer recognizes the difference between a TV remote control and a telephone, so I never was the recipient of endless calls, but was the beneficiary of hearing, “I love you” for the first time in my 59 years.
We are English; so, “hanging out in quiet desperation is the English way.”
TIME!