I just moved my mom with dementia to assisted living on May 9 after having her live with me since last June. She’s not adjusting, what to do?

I posted this on AC in 2016 and it still applies to all of us today:

The Language of Letting Go
Responsibility for Family Members

I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
—Anonymous

For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.

We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.

Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.

We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.

Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.

Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.

From The Language of Letting Go, by Melodie Beattie, Hazleden Foundation 1990

My mother complains all the time about being “alone” at her MC.

As much as I try, I usually can’t help feeling sorry for her. I suggest that she go out and sit with the other ladies, and she snaps back with some cranky answer, which basically means, “no way”. 😵‍💫

Yesterday, I received THREE different videos from the Activities Director from 3 DIFFERENT activities. There was my mother in each of them. She was dancing. Using musical instruments. Throwing a ball, during a game. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m not going to believe a word my mother says, any longer. I’ll just try and remember that it’s her dementia that is narrating any sob story she tells me, NOT reality. 🫤🙄

It takes even a year to adjust. My husband is in memory care for 11/2 years now and he still asks to go home. It's a hard road with no easy answers.

It really hasn't been that long if she's only been there since May. Acclimating to the new AL life can take a long time. Sometimes the person never acclimates to it.

I was a supervisor at a very nice AL facility. We had residents who adjusted very well to life there and even enjoyed themselves. The second a family member called or showed up the "performance" (this is what we called it among ourselves) started. The crying, the begging and demanding to go home (also remember "home" may not literally mean where they lived before AL. It can be a childhood home, or a time in their life that was good), the negativity, and the guilt-tripping. Not five minutes prior to the family member calling or showing up, these residents were having a good day. It was like they flipped a switch and just turned off having a good day in a second and replaced it with the "performance" behaviors.

Have someone your mother doesn't know go and observe what her day-today life is like in the AL then report back to you. This is the best way to get an accurate assessment on how she's really adjusting to AL life.
Remember though, it really hasn't been long since she's been there. Give her some time.

Care facilities used to recommend that family have no contact or very limited phone contact for the first month or so after the person is placed. This was to give them a chance to accept and acclimate to their new environment. The new thinking is that this was wrong, but I don't think it is. If there's constant reminders of their past in the beginning (family showing up, unlimited phone calls) the person will not allow themselves to accept their present because they hold out in the belief that if they cry, complain, demand, beg, and guilt-trip enough their family will restore them to their former lives. Even the ones with dementia do this.

Maybe you should take a break from contact with your mother. Limit the phone calls and when she starts up with the guilt-tripping and demanding to get picked up and brought home start up, you end the call.

The only way she will accept and acclimate to her new life in the AL is if she's forced to. The only way that can happen is if her family gives her some space and time. She'll be fine. You did the right thing placing her in AL and nearby to family and grandkids. So give yourself a break.

TIME!

I admitted my 88 year old mother last August and it has been a harrowing experience ever since. Fortunately, and yes, I say fortunately w/grace, she no longer recognizes the difference between a TV remote control and a telephone, so I never was the recipient of endless calls, but was the beneficiary of hearing, “I love you” for the first time in my 59 years.

We are English; so, “hanging out in quiet desperation is the English way.”

TIME!

Klopes, I didn't read what others said, because sometimes a fresh mind is better so if this has already been said , no worries

What to do for your mom?

You breathe

You do all the things for yourself that you have been putting of because of caregiving and worry.

You accept that you mom is aging, trust me we all know is SUCks.

Your mom is safe and where she needs to be

You get a massage, listen to your favorite music, journal, eat right, take walks .

You do you! For a while, get your head in a good place, then you deal with your moms problems. In a much better, clear headed way.

Best of luck

My mother has been in memory care since October 30, 2024. She still calls 25-30 times a day, wanting us to pick her up and take her home. I just keep telling her she lives there now and I will see her on Friday. My brother and I take days on the weekends because we work, to go visit, maybe take her to lunch if she feels like it. My sister who lives in another state visits once a month- six weeks.
Once we explain, she calms down for a bit, but then starts back up.
Its the disease, not her just trying to go back home. She can't even tell us where home is.

Klopes: Yes, DO give it some more time.

My father has been in memory care/AL since early March, and he is just now starting to adjust to his new normal after 3 months. He said the same thing to me and my siblings - "I can't believe you did this to me." He was angry, begging to go home, would cry and say "please, please, take me home, don't do this to me." The early days were very challenging and stressful for him and us. It was hard for me to stay away, not always answer his calls, and let the AL staff help him adjust. I felt terrible. You asked how others handled this - I would tell my father he was there under doctor's orders, he has health problems, and due to his dementia, he would respond "what health problems? I am fine!" Trying to explain or reason with my father didn't work. If you can remind yourself this is going to take time - even a few months, your mother will eventually adjust (even begrudgingly), and only visit or talk to her on the phone when you have the mental energy, that may help. You did the right thing and it's normal to feel sad. I don't think anyone wants to do this to their parent but as you said, it's for the best and your mother will receive the care she needs. It will get better.

I don’t have an answer, just wanted to say I’m in the same boat. My mom moved to memory care 6 weeks ago from regular assisted living. She’s still very angry, paranoid and won’t let them do her laundry. Another resident is obsessed with her room and got in and my mom hit her. Now she’s very worried about the woman getting back in and refuses to come out for meals, complains about everything and says she doesn’t belong there. We can’t tell how much they’re trying to help her adjust. It’s so hard when you can’t believe anything the LO says. We’re far away (mom’s choice) so we can’t keep a regular eye on things or visit all the time. It’s awful.

My mother's doctor told me it takes about 2 years for someone to come to terms with moving out of their home. Luckily, she was able to stay in her own home. However, my sister has had to adjust to AL and it has been about 12 months. At first she had terrible anger and said horrible things to my niece, but now, she has come to terms with it, likes her caregivers and doesn't complain as much. She is much happier now. Her biggest complaint is loneliness, although my niece visits 2-4X a week, makes sure she is looked after, takes her to doctor appts and buys her snacks and special foods. She just doesn't remember. So, hang in there. There is a lot of good advice coming your way. It will get better.

Sorry about your mother's condition. Allow her time to adjust to her new "home". Get a social worker to help her adjust by attending activities if able to.

Hang in there. It will take months for her to adjust. Stay away for a bit. Give her time and space to acclimate within her abilities. She will continue to talk about going home; wanting to go home. Keep reminding her it’s all about safety. It’s a tough transition. Be supportive and encouraging, yet acknowledge her sense of loss. It’s real. Good luck

Its normal. My daddy wanted to come home too. I could not take care of him. He was 6.2 and 245 lbs. and most of all willful! I just hope the family is visiting but remember she may still want to go home. I just let my daddy know that as soon as the doctor released him he could come home. Always blame it on someone they don't see or don't know. Don't use names just say doctor. Know that as your problem was read a prayer was said for you and your family.

Apparently Not much prep. yes, get her a support group. With a professional experienced and let them see that they're all in the same boat. And can get through It. maybe you could use a religionous pespective.. And that they're suffering. And it's up to their situational situation. But you don't guess do what you do and give up. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I heard that from somebody. Crowd sourcing will just get you in chaos at Satan's mercy. BTW look at the staff if like here they are in more need and help than the patients. Their treatments are inadvertently designed to groom the patients to become compliant and become bedridden into a setting not unlike?

Read this: https://www.arborcompany.com/blog/how-long-should-it-take-to-adjust-to-a-dementia-care-community

In part, it says: The adjustment period for a loved one transitioning into a dementia care community can span days, weeks, or months. Unfortunately, there’s no way to predict how long the adjustment period will last or what challenges and environmental triggers will have to be overcome during the process. ... There are things you can do to ease a loved one’s struggles, fears, and anxiety stemming from the initial move into dementia care. Family counseling and family support groups at dementia care communities can help ease the transition for everyone.

After the Move to Dementia Care: Unhappiness vs. Adjustment

The initial move into dementia care has been linked to increased behavioral symptoms like depression, agitation, and confusion. Family members often struggle to determine if these responses are expressions of unhappiness or typical responses to the adjustment.

Experts believe nearly 40 percent of people with Alzheimer’s disease suffer from “significant” depression, so the unhappiness-versus-adjustment question isn’t an easy one to answer. Symptoms of depression can include sadness that lasts for more than a day, declining interest in almost all activities, fatigue and tiredness, feelings of worthlessness, and thoughts or talk of death.

Likewise, agitation is a common response to the initial move into dementia care. Pacing, restlessness, wandering, and emotional outbursts can all result. Physicians may elect to prescribe antidepressants, mood stabilizers, or other medications.

Create a calm, relaxing environment.
Avoid triggers like television, loud noises, or certain situations.
Check for signs of pain, hunger, thirst, and other causes of discomfort. 
Simplify tasks and routines to alleviate frustration.
Encourage exercise.

Serving as a liaison between dementia care staff, medical providers, and your loved one will ensure that everything possible is being done to ease the transition into dementia care and to address any underlying conditions that could be the root cause of unhappiness.

Helping a Loved One Adjust to Dementia Care: Because everyone’s transition into dementia care is different, there’s no surefire list of solutions to address every need and situation that will arise. There are, however, a number of general guidelines that have been found to help ease the transition for the vast majority of people.

Telling a loved one about the move to dementia care in advance can create anticipation anxiety and negative thoughts that can culminate into negative actions. Instead, wait until just before the move, or even the day of the move, to begin the transition on an even keel. Then, you might benefit from “fiblets” and not being forthcoming with news that this will be your loved one’s new home, at least until he or she is more settled in.

After the move, these tips and techniques are widely used to help ease the transition:

Make It Home: Bringing important or familiar items from home like photos, wall art, and furniture will make the dementia care apartment feel familiar and homey, helping reduce agitation and creating a sense of calm.

Gena's response: I lost my response when copying the above. In essence, it is important to take care of yourself ... realize you did / are doing what is a loving gesture / in the best interest of your mom.

* You are grieving. Allow yourself to grieve. Journal writing, support from friends, family, buy yourself flowers, go for a walk in the park.

* Discuss w administrator / manager of facility if / when visiting is appropriate. Often it is advised to not visit to give loved one time to adjust to their new surroundings/people.

* Give her hope ... tell her it is temporary while you are renovating the house / painting her room. Tell her often "I love you."

Gena / Touch Matters

I have read all the responses and I know they are right. That said, my LO with dementia is my husband. I have daytime help which is expensive, and much of the time he stays in bed, but at least she tries to keep him clean and fed lunch, so I get a break. Now I am experiencing health issues and he doesn’t understand . I feel like I am going down with the ship. I wish I had sold our home and moved us both to AL several years ago. Now I simply can’t manage a move, and even if I could, he would have to live separately in Memory Care. I truly believe if I placed him somewhere he will die of a broken heart. He thanks me and tells me he loves me every hour he’s awake. How can I take him?
He is 84. I am 76. It would be cruel.
We have no family and few friends our age. I get no other physical or emotional support. I am scared for myself and yet the guilt of placing him is too overwhelming.

You made the right decision. I was seeing my mom daily and she would tell me how much she hates me. Back off for a week and visit briefly. Absence will make the heart grow fonder. The resentment will subside. It's difficult to make decisions to put our parents in assisted living because they and we expect them to be independent and die quickly. They want control over their lives. Your mom will adjust soon. Keep in mind, she will have good days and bad days with her moods due to dementia. Activities may be beneficial for her within the care residence.

Time. My sister went into memory care the last week of December and she is just now adjusted. She is going out to meals and activities and for six days in a row she has not packed every single one of her belongings (including pictures on the wall) to go home.
For us, to help her feel better when she is upset, we and the caregivers there say,
"Your brother will be here tomorrow to take you home." and that seems to bring her joy in the moment.
Good luck.

I am sorry she is so angry but the first thing I want to say to you is you did not do this to her!! Her illness is not your fault and neither is your inability to provide 24-7-365 care for a person in declining health. You did not make it unsafe for her to stay home.

My suggestion is to stay away for a week or two and then go back to see her. If she is still angry keep the visit short and try again in another week. It takes a few weeks to get settled into memory care if not longer. My mom is still settling in since the beginning of March and asks to go home every time. However, she doesn't remember that I am the one who took her there so she is not angry at me. I can't imagine how bad that must feel because I feel really awful when my mom tells me how much she just wants to go home.

I am sorry you have to endure this. Just know that you made the best decision for her and even if the demensia mind does not agree, if she was in her right mind, she would probably agree. I was lucky in this area too. My mom had several very lucid days just before I moved her and we discussed her "moving" to assisted living. She was actually happy and looking forward to it when her mind was "right" but later, she just wanted to go home.

My mom was at home with me until it was unsafe to continue. I know I did the right thing even if she doesn't agree with me in her altered state. I hope you know this too!

I think you will get a lot of support here. I had to place both my parents last year. Dad is blind, mom has vascular dementia. Dad is fine. He is happy and never complains. Mom is miserable but part of that is the dementia. I'm not sure what type of dementia your mom has but vascular dementia can cause excessive emotion in some patients. You might want to talk with the staff at her community and see what they suggest. Perhaps a mild anti-depressent might help?

In my humble opinion, you did what you need to do. I completely support your decision. You cannot fix her. She is safe and that is really important. Sometimes we have to accept that we cannot be the answer but we can be part of the solution (I don't mean to be trite). Sometimes we have to make hard decisions. I would not change the decisions I made and I know my parents are safer today then they were living in their home.

Sending you good thoughts.

By my count today is 21 days right? She lived with you for almost a year - how long did it take for her to adjust to living with you after she lived on her own?

The reality is that moving is a big adjustment for ANYONE. When people are asked if they have had any major life changes recently - a move is usually one of the options on that list. Even moving from one house to another house in the same town (not changing schools, just houses) was a big change for my daughters when we moved 5 years ago. It took them a lot longer than 21 days to adjust and they were 17 and 19.

What does "not adjusting" look like? Is she trying to escape daily? Or is she just not "happy" and making her feelings known? Because I'm going to be really honest with you - almost no one adjusts to living in senior living to the point of being so content that they never complain and stop talking about going home.

With dementia - she may never fully adjust because from one day to the next she may not remember why she is there.

But here is the key - YOU know. And you said it in your post. "I just couldn't do it alone anymore.". When someone has dementia, and they get to a certain point, it is really beyond your control to be able to take care of them 24 hours a day. You have to focus more on what keeps them safe and less on what keeps them happy.

Because what keeps them happy can change from day to day, but what keeps them safe is going to stay pretty much the same. And you have to focus on what they need over what they want.

My mom lived with me and hubby for 7 years, slowly declining with worsening cognitive issues to dementia. It became way too much for me, even with paid helpers, and I placed her in AL. She was PISSED!!!! I felt horrible, but it was definitely the right decision and I stood strong knowing that I just could NOT do it any longer. She has adjusted to AL but will never love it. At 81, sadly I'd say her good times and happiness are pretty much behind her. Sure, she has moments of happiness, especially when the great grand kids are around, but mostly she's just not thrilled with anything. So, it's probably something you have to just come to terms with. Not easy, but we also have to be practical and kind to ourselves.

Sending you hugs. You did the right thing

Being older makes it harder to adjust to change. Being older with dementia makes it a LOT harder. It's not possible for her brain to understand why she needs to be there, much like a small child who can't understand why she must go to school.

I am glad you realize this was for the best. You did not "do this to her", her disease did.

You have insured she is in a safe place that meets her needs and is close to family so she can have visitors.

It is not your responsibility to make your mom happy. No one can make someone else happy. When someone is old, sick, and nearing the end of life, there is not much to even BE happy about.

You let her know she is loved and cared for - that is your responsibility, and you are doing it.

2 weeks is way too early. Expect at least 2-3 months.

You did not place her as punishment, you were burdened and stressed by caregiving you expected would be easy. You tried a full year, and realized it was a significant burden for you, having no medical experience.

Ask yourself, did your Mom take care of her elderly mother? Move her in with her?

Most elders have the concept "being put in a home" is the worst thing that could happen to them. Having 24/7 care, meals, housekeeping, a safe place and activities is not prison. She is taken care of by professionals who are trained to handle dementia.

You did not cause her to get old and have dementia. At her age, she is aware her life will be ending soon. Of course it is frightening and depressing. She isn't going to be happy. But she is safe and not alone.

I will never expect anyone to caregive me when I reach the end of my life. I will find and move into Assisted Living and enjoy not having to cook, clean and struggle.

You did the right thing, so cry it out and stay strong.

How do you afford this?

Thank you everyone. Such good advice from all of you. I will give it more time. I know she can make it there and be happy, she just needs more time to accept the move.
thank you

With our mothers, some of us can think that their happiness is OUR responsibility. So, we worry and fret and lose sleep over them - unnecessarily.

Think about a new situation you've been in - A job, a new neighborhood, a cross-country move. Were you happy for the first few months? Even a year?

When we moved from Buffalo to Florida, I couldn't find my way around without GPS.

My "stuff" wasn't in the same place it was, back home.

My workplace was different.

My friends were hundreds of miles away.

I wasn't happy.

Now, I have a wonderful church family, an ADORABLE grandson, and satisfying volunteer work. I can find my way around, and I know where my stuff is. I found my way.

My 25 year old daughter moved here with us - voluntarily. Two weeks after we moved, she sobbed, just missing her old life and old job.

I pushed her to go to Sunday School and to join the worship team at our new church. She finally gave in, and she met the team's drummer, and a year later, married him. She had the above ADORABLE grandson, who is five years old. She has a gaggle of wonderful friends. She found her way.

So? Normal. Transition takes AWHILE.

With our mothers living with dementia, again, their unhappiness becomes OUR unhappiness - cause we let it.

In any normal life transition, we would KNOW that it's hard, and it's normal. NORMAL.

Try the best you can to remember this fact, and let your mom find her way. She will. ◡̈

Best wishes, and we're cheering for you!

When my oldest daughter started Nursery School, Ivwas told the kids are angels till Mom and Dad walk in. Have you not have a child say they hate you because you won't let them do what they want. Same with a parent who suffers from Dementia. They do not like being told no. Sorry, but the Caregiver becomes the bad guy. The roles have changed. When Mom gets started, tell her time to hang up. I will bet a staff member will tell u Mom is doing fine. Two weeks is not long either. She will eventually adjust.