I had tried to prepare her but of course she didn’t remember. She was so angry at me, looked me in the eye and said “ I can’t believe you did this to me”
I just couldn’t alone anymore. My siblings are mostly in California, as are her grandchildren so I chose a place near to them so they can visit.
Its 2 weeks now and she’s still having crying days, some good, but mostly bad. On phone calls she says she’s waiting to get picked up to go home.
Im sad but it was for the best, professionals there who know how to take care of her as a team, not just her daughter by herself.
I just need to know how others handled this.
Thank you
I was a supervisor at a very nice AL facility. We had residents who adjusted very well to life there and even enjoyed themselves. The second a family member called or showed up the "performance" (this is what we called it among ourselves) started. The crying, the begging and demanding to go home (also remember "home" may not literally mean where they lived before AL. It can be a childhood home, or a time in their life that was good), the negativity, and the guilt-tripping. Not five minutes prior to the family member calling or showing up, these residents were having a good day. It was like they flipped a switch and just turned off having a good day in a second and replaced it with the "performance" behaviors.
Have someone your mother doesn't know go and observe what her day-today life is like in the AL then report back to you. This is the best way to get an accurate assessment on how she's really adjusting to AL life.
Remember though, it really hasn't been long since she's been there. Give her some time.
Care facilities used to recommend that family have no contact or very limited phone contact for the first month or so after the person is placed. This was to give them a chance to accept and acclimate to their new environment. The new thinking is that this was wrong, but I don't think it is. If there's constant reminders of their past in the beginning (family showing up, unlimited phone calls) the person will not allow themselves to accept their present because they hold out in the belief that if they cry, complain, demand, beg, and guilt-trip enough their family will restore them to their former lives. Even the ones with dementia do this.
Maybe you should take a break from contact with your mother. Limit the phone calls and when she starts up with the guilt-tripping and demanding to get picked up and brought home start up, you end the call.
The only way she will accept and acclimate to her new life in the AL is if she's forced to. The only way that can happen is if her family gives her some space and time. She'll be fine. You did the right thing placing her in AL and nearby to family and grandkids. So give yourself a break.
As much as I try, I usually can’t help feeling sorry for her. I suggest that she go out and sit with the other ladies, and she snaps back with some cranky answer, which basically means, “no way”. 😵💫
Yesterday, I received THREE different videos from the Activities Director from 3 DIFFERENT activities. There was my mother in each of them. She was dancing. Using musical instruments. Throwing a ball, during a game. 🤦🏻♀️
I’m not going to believe a word my mother says, any longer. I’ll just try and remember that it’s her dementia that is narrating any sob story she tells me, NOT reality. 🫤🙄
The Language of Letting Go
Responsibility for Family Members
I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
—Anonymous
For some of us, the idea that we were responsible for other people's feelings had its roots in childhood and was established by members of our nuclear family. We may have been told that we made our mother or father miserable, leading directly to the idea that we were also responsible for making them happy. The idea that we are responsible for our parents' happiness or misery can instill exaggerated feelings of power and guilt in us.
We do not have this kind of power over our parents - over their feelings, or over the course of their lives. We do not have to allow them to have this kind of power over us.
Our parents did the best they could. But we still do not have to accept one belief from them that is not a healthy belief. They may be our parents, but they are not always right. They may be our parents, but their beliefs and behaviors are not always healthy and in our best interest.
We are free to examine and choose our beliefs.
Let go of guilt. Let go of excessive and inappropriate feelings of responsibility toward parents and other family members. We do not have to allow their destructive beliefs to control our feelings, our behaviors, our life, or us.
Today, I will begin the process of setting myself free from any self-defeating beliefs my parents passed on to me. I will strive for appropriate ideas and boundaries concerning how much power and how much responsibility I can actually have in my relationship with my parents.
From The Language of Letting Go, by Melodie Beattie, Hazleden Foundation 1990