Unfortunately while staying with him it became apparent that his needs were a lot more than what I had previously discussed with him. Since 2016 I have addressed the issues of him needing help around the house. He would agree and then sabotage the hired help. As of today I've come to realize through my therapy appointments that he is manipulating me and quite abusive. I've been to the emergency room several times due to high blood pressure, hyperventalating and gallstones. I've gained massive amount of weight do to food becoming my comfort. I know I need to move out however every time I get a job he sabatoges that as well. I have reached out to my siblings to express the need for their help but they refuse to come. I've addressed it with his doctor and I get the feeling she has thrown her hands up as well. He refuses to do anything to help himself and literally lays on the couch 24 7. He does not sleep in a bed, he does not showers for over a month at a time. He doesn't change his clothes for a month at a time, regardless of the food spilt on him. He has bowel issues and it will be all over the bathroom. He refuses to do any cleaning of himself or the house. I've talked with him more than 10 times about his depression. I've come to him In Tears begging he get help. I've become angry and hostile when everything I do is stepped on or ruined to help him. He's on 4 different anti depressants. He told his therapist to F#@* off.
His doctor suggested he get a mri for diagnosis for dementia but he doesn't follow thru. I know he is self neglect which is why I stay but it's killing me. Do I just wait for him to fall and call 911? The house is so not okay. He has accidents and stays in his clothes. Or he will have issues with leaving it on the toilet seat, door handle ect. It's gotten so bad I have to wipe down the toilet seat before I use it and the sink and the door knob. It's so bad I have extreme anxiety just living here. If I leave him what will happen? The guilt kills me. Honestly he will watch me clean and clean and I will tell him I'm worried then with no reaction or worse when he starts yelling at me and trying to hit me and then kicks me out or threatens to call the police on me for elderly abuse when I'm the one being abused. What should I do?
Thank you for any suggestions. I'm truly grateful.
Guilt is often mistaken for grief. You can feel grief that your father is not a better man, that he will not care for himself, and that he abuses you. But guilt is entirely inappropriate. I am certain your therapist has told you that.
I think guilt may also be used to stop yourself from what you fear, that being getting a job, sticking to it no matter WHAT dear old dad has to say, and moving out. You have been living here and not really living your own life. I am happy you have the support of a therapist during this move, but move you must, to save your life. That includes such desperate measures as moving to a shelter for abused women.
The choices are yours. No one can make the decisions for you. It is clear now after all these years that no one will help you. You will now either make a choice to stay here, homeless and at the mercy of this man, without a job, without self esteem, or you will move out. Is this going to be simple? No. That's why you are in therapy. It is difficult. But the goals and rewards are huge. It is either a choice for life or a living death, and "guilt" really doesn't figure in it in any way.
Leave the old man. And wish him good luck calling the police! They will have a ball with him.