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Mother is in Rehabilitation in a nursing home facility. She is not wanting to stay longterm there. My sister is trying to talk her into going back to her camper to live. It is so small she can't get to the bathroom to shower or not even walk if she wanted to. My sister has very bad temper and is hateful with her and cusses her out if she urinates on the letout couch. She took her cell phone away from her and would not let her use it. But she stays on her phone 24/7 talking to her lover scammer men. I do not want her to go back there. It's like she is in a den of hungry wolves. I need help, I am seeing a lawyer about being her POA, but mother is still competent to make her own decisions. She says my sister will have to prove to her she will not treat her like she has before. But my sister is very conniving she manipulates mother into getting her way. Mother just can't see the way I do about her, because she loves her and wants her to change. She always puts on a front saying she loves mom and things will be different. But it is always the same. My heart is hurting and I'm so afraid that my sister is going to take her out of the facility. She has mother's car and some of mother's belongings in the car. Mother is not getting enough money to rent an apartment or get a low income home because of the waiting list. I can't bring her back to my home because of the problems it caused before. If any suggestions or information would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Since your sister is a hot mess, I would not allow mom to live there. Maybe someone from the rehab can have her place checked out and when they determine it is unsafe for your mom, then that "option" will be off the table. And you can't take her. So tell rehab that you need help finding a long term option for her. Since she'll be at rehab for over 2 more weeks, that gives some time to figure out the options.
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againx100 Oct 15, 2024
Oh and sister is not going to change and even if she "proves" she can do better for your mom, I'm pretty sure she'll revert back to her ways in short order. That's no good for your mom.
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Have just gone through some of this with my younger sister in IL being the person in need. She has been in and out of Senior Living, Rehab, Assisted Living with Medicaid walked away from it and is now in Rehab Nursing Home. Now trying to get her requalified for Medicaid and into Memory Care. All of it depends on your mom's income resources, assets, state she is living in, retirement income, SS, Medicare coverage, and health insurance. If your mom wants you to be her POA that is her choice, not anyone elses, and your agreeing to do so. Two types of POA, financial and medical. If your mom is capable of making her own decisions then your POA will be assisting her in decisions, not controlling her finances and decisions. If she qualifies for SS & Medicare she could possibly be on Medicare right now. Qualifying for Medicaid depends on her monthly income, her assets, and the state she is living in and yes, Medicaid will pay for Assisted Living "if she qualifies." The nursing home she is in should be able to help you with applying for it or a local Eldely Care Organization can do so.
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Butterfly62 Oct 15, 2024
She does have Medicare and Medicaid. But she was afraid that they are going to take her check which is less than 1000. And her car, to pay her stay. I will check with the Rehab and see what can be done. Thank you!
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Is there word on approximately when discharge would be?
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Butterfly62 Oct 14, 2024
She has 21 days of rehab and is on her 5 consecutive day.
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The facility can't discharge her to an unsafe setting.

So "camper ... is so small she can't get to the bathroom to shower or not even walk if she wanted to " means Mom is unable to walk and therefore navigate through the cramped living space, so much so that she sometimes doesn't get to the bathroom in time?

Other questions that may help you make a case for keeping Mom from returning to the camper:
Does she need help with medication?
Once in the bathroom, can she care for herself?
Who's with her during the day?
Who provides food and water during the day?

Check your State's Aging office to see what options there are for Mom to get into a safe place.
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Butterfly:
Hi again.
I'd caution you against attempting to get POA; it seems mom LIVES with Sis?
Do remind us of her living situation. You mention a van and how tiny it is, and mention sister's management of mom's day-to-day care. But I forget the rest you told us.

It's clear to me that you mom doesn't wish now to make changes, and she's still able to make her own decisions. You've apparently talked to her, and she's said this:
"sister will have to prove to her she will not treat her like she has before."
So that is what I think you should do. Allow her to assess for herself.
You say mom is incontinent on the sofa. I can see sister having a brief mental break on that one! It seems mom isn't ready or willing now to leave sister, nevertheless.

There's only so much you can do. Mom's mentally capable of choice, and has made her choice to live with sister.
Any POA will might get/have would begin a war with sister, and mom in the middle.

I'd contact the Social Worker at the rehab. He/she either is or can guide you to discharge planners. I'd tell them your concerns, and ask if someone can speak with sister, assess her willingness/ability to have mom back and watch over her.

Medicaid doesn't normally cover ALF, though you can call around, because SOME few do. Sometimes Board and Care Homes do also and as rare as they are becoming they can be excellent: fewer residents, more homelike, often run by families, better food.

I don't have a lot else, but unless mom comes to you without your prompting and asks you to be POA for her I would not interfer. And don't allow yourself to be the one she whines to (as that might lose her her phone).
I would HELP sis. Couch cover for instance. I would show up with some bags of groceries, a delivery takeout coupon for meal brought in, incontinence supplies, some such. I would try to work together, but I wouldn't interfere.

I hope things go better.
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Butterfly62 Oct 14, 2024
Mother did not live with sister, she lived with me until I started having health problems and her living in our home was causing stress on everyone. My mistake of asking mom if she would she stay with my sister or my ex sister in law for a while. I knew sis lifestyle and her demeanor but thought she would maybe be different. My sister in law lives about 90 miles or so from us. She chose my sister only because she lived closer. Mom only stayed there about a week before she got a UTI, sister had to take her to the hospital. My is sister is not a care giver to anyone. She is a raving wolf inside, I hope you understand I am only looking out for moms well being. Mom asked me to be POA of her because my sister is not trust worthy. While mom was living with us my sister called her many times wanting money, if mom refused she cursed her and put her down like a dog. Sis is 62 and will not work, her husband died and left her some retirement money. I'm sorry if it sounds like am putting her down, I am not it but that is the person she. That is why mom stated, "she will have to prove to me that she will not be like that again."
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I believe it depends on what state you live in, but I know that here in NC. Medicaid DOES pay for assisted living for folks that qualify, so just check with your local social services to see what your mothers state pays for.
Best wishes.
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Medicaid does jot pay for Assisted Livings usually. Social Services usually has Medicaid caseworkers you can talk to. Tell the SW at Rehab that sending Mom home is unsafe. The SW maybe able to help you finding other accomodations. Your Mom may be able to get Supplimental Security Income (SSI) to make it easier to find housing. I also would report sister to APS.
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cover9339 Oct 14, 2024
SW should already be on the case while mom is rehabbing.
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