Dad's 90, suffering from depression, dementia and other issues, was in IL, now in in AL several states away from me. His 70-yo stepdaughter, who has health issues, looks after him since his wife, her mother died about 3 years ago, leaving him lonely and devastated. He attemted suicide a couple of weeks ago and is somewhat stable now, though emotionally fragile. I understand he is back in the AL facility on the mental care floor, which is a lockdown area as he is high-risk, but he is not confined to a single room, which is good as he's a bit claustrophobic. My anguish lies in the fact that I can't get away to go see him, probably not ever. It's been 4 years since I was last out to see him and I have stayed in touch by phone. But I am now several states away, raising two teens in a household that include a working husband and his 90- yo mother plus a dog, several cats and a flock of hens. MIL can't manage on her own. Oldest teen attends academy and boards away at school. The other child is a 12-yo boy, useful, follows directions but doesn't cook or plan meals, and running the household would be a bit much for 90-yo Granny. I'm needed here, in short, and Dad probably would not know if I was there. But I can't help feeling torn and sad. I miss my Dad, and it feels as if he's gone already. I feel he won't last long, there will be no memorial service at his request, and I've probably already said my last goodbye and I love you. So I'm sad, I'm grieving, and if anyone can tell me how to handle these feelings, or just want to pray for me, that would be nice. Dad did not believe in God or an afterlife, just oblivion, as far as I know, though I am a Christian, which makes it kind of hard. I'm afraid I won't get to share an afterlife with him and I was looking forward to doing some fishing and hiking and camping with him in the earth made new in our new bodies.... but I haven't given up, I am still praying for him! God is good and as long as there is life there is hope. Thank y'all for letting me vent and weep, you're an awesome bunch of folks.
Sending up a prayer.
meals but your husband can. I too am not understanding why you can’t go see your dad? Your husband can take care of the household for a few days. If you are worried about them eating, make meals ahead of time that only have to be warmed up.
I don't think you have any doubt that, in an ideal world, your father would very much like to see you?
Visiting him would be a hefty logistics project but it's not as if we're talking about a major or lengthy or risky disruption to the family.
It's mainly in the planning. You organise each day's clothing, with labels, and the worst that can happen is you get back and find nobody's changed his t-shirt for five days. Cook and freeze casseroles ready for the microwave - less work than chopping an onion. Paper plates, if need be. Between them, they will manage.
Is your son at school? Does he have a support team or friends who could help out?
Nobody can afford to make herself indispensable. The time may, will come when you have no choice but to be unavailable. You too may fall ill or be injured - God forbid, but it does happen to families all the time.
Perhaps this could be a timely nudge to look around you and find out what support you might call on if you ever need to. Could you ask another family member to come and stay? Are you in touch with any support networks who might know of respite services?
Would it be completely out of the question to take your son with you?
The "anguish" or sorrow I am feeling, I believe, is just the grieving process setting in. My mother (from whom I was estranged) passed away several years ago, and I have buried two siblings and a husband. It doesn't get any easier. The world is getting to be a lonelier place without some of these people in it.
So I guess I'm just having a little pity party over it.
But if you think you might regret it, then you can make a visit happen. Make meals in advance and freeze them. Have helpful son microwave them. Hire a housekeeper/friend/neighbor to come in a few hours a day to help granny and the family. What would your husband and son do if You were in the hospital or out of commission for a week? Would they survive? Yes. So what would it take to prepare for a planned absense? It can be done.
Babies obviously will go straight to heaven.
I was at first thinking "easy! Put your Head Hen in charge! - that'll keep everyone in order."
But to be more practical... I would have thought, myself, that a combination of a hard-working adult man, an active though elderly lady, and a pleasant, helpfully-minded young man could keep a household such as you describe ticking over quite safely for a week, or even two. There are no babies, sick persons, or persons suffering from dementia in the case. They would cope.
So although I'm sure you are the lynch pin of the household and they would not want you to be absent too long, it doesn't seem like a strong enough reason to keep you from seeing your father, who is so much in your thoughts.
I hesitate, because if you'd wanted to go into this more deeply you'd have done so. But I think there must be more to it than that you can't get away from running the household for a few days.
I'm going to leave that there.
As an alternative, guessing that there are things you want to say to your father, what about writing him a letter? Not to send to him, but to get your thoughts out.
I feel you want to see dad one more time. That's absolutely normal. You can make this happen--maybe with some help from neighbors if you are a bit concerned about granny being left alone--but a 15 yo boy and his dad should be able and willing to make this last wish of yours come true.
And whether or not your dad is an atheist is not up for discussion. We all have our beliefs as to what happens after death. Personally, I believe everyone goes home to that God who created you. Really, how many BILLIONS of people have lived and died and have never HEARD of Christ, much less believed in or followed him? Rest easy on that, let go and let God.
You will feel calmer accepting dad's passing if you have had the final moments with him.
Bless you.
Just proves again that our God hears and answers prayer, and His name is Wonderful! Still praying for Dad's conversion so that he may enjoy *eternal* life, but am thanking God for the answer to that prayer as well, bc I know I am asking in accordance with His will and that's one of the conditions for answered prayer!
This morning my MIL, who has lived with us, was killed in an auto accident. This, of course, changes everything. I absolutely cannot leave now. As you indicated, we do the best we can, make the best coices we can and then live with them. I am at peace with my choices. Thank you so much.