We came home to find her sitting on the floor, no injuries, she said she fell but no explanation. We texted her that we were on the way home and she answered so she supposedly fell after that, about 10 minutes. Hasn't fallen in years, but we also haven't gone anywhere in years.
I will agree that many of us have had to develop a thicker skin when dealing with loved ones because we cannot be what they need. We cannot provide them with the care they need (facilitating every single aspect of their lives so they can remain home and pretend they are independent) and they will tell anyone who will listen how terrible we are for not "helping them".
I know I've developed a thicker skin when people outside of the family admonish us for admitting we can't provide the type of care FIL needs at home any longer. We get the "that's your dad you owe it to him". Well first of all, not my dad. My dad had his faults like anyone else. But when he required care in his last few years he was thankful and sweet and never asked for more than he needed. FIL wants someone at his beck and call 24 hours a day and doesn't care what it costs anyone else as long as he gets what he wants. He has always been abusive and mean and it gets worse as he gets older. And he is a raging narcissist who gets mildly violent and agressively angrier when challenged.
When your FIL calls you while your husband is in spinal surgery, not to check on his condition but to ask how long he will be out of work after because he needs some help with some things around the house, maybe you do become a little calloused, who knows?
My Dads EXACTLY the same. I had back problems a few months ago - it was so bad I couldnt drive. He lives 20+ miles away so I thought "nope I aint driving over there".
It got better but then he started asking how my bask was EVERY TIME I SPOKE TO HIM. Not like him at all he doesnt care about anyone else.
Then I realised - he doesnt care about me, all he cares about is my fitness to visit him, to serve him. He wants to know if anything is going to affect my ability to do what he wants.
One of the reasons my wife doesnt speak to him now - shes an RN. Shes seen him do it many times...
Falls can be dangerous! After one of my mom's falls she dislocated her hip and because it's a prosthetic hip (as well as the age of my Mom) the doctors in the ER had a really hard time putting her hip back in place.
As most know falls are the leading cause of fatal injury and death among the elderly. Google the statistics.
I'm not saying her MIL faked the fall, all I'm saying is there is not enough information to make an informed response.
I also wonder why Christine has not replied to any of the posts here?
Jenna
My own mother has fallen a few times and not wanted to give details, so it's hard to assume anything from the info given here. Falls can be embarrassing, you know.
In Fact, Fake Fallers Fish For Fretters!
I believe we owe our parents to look out for them if they have been good parents. We need to keep them safe, fed, clothed and warm. Not neccessarily care for them physically. Being family means to be there for each other. That they have enough money to pay bills. But in return, they need to realize that as they age, compromises need to be made. Staying in your home may not be possible.
But the problem I find on this forum is that the people looking for help are those with parents who want it their way and feel entitled. A number of members have narcissistic parent/parents. Parents won't bend to make things easier on the Caregiver. Or there was abuse as a child. This child should not take care of that parent.
Things have changed since the 50s. More woman are in the workforce. More divorce and single parents. Children leaving the towns they were raised in to get better jobs. Should they have to uproot themselves for the convenience of a parent? Parents living into 80s and 90s so children are Seniors too, some having their own health problems. One woman who posted had supported a parent to the point she was broke and had no idea how she was going to live in her old age.
We ALL need to make choices. We need to realize what as Caregivers what we are capable of and how much we can afford to jeopardize our future to care for someone. Our spouses and family should be considered in our decisions. We have a few posters where MIL was moved in with no thought to how the spouse thought about it. And it can't be one sided. Each side has to give a little. I know, in a perfect world.
Most days Dad walks about a round trip of half a mile across a busy road to get to the Betting shop (not sure what its called in US - where you bet on horse races etc)..... He manages this.
When he used to come to my house, he'd do the "1 inch shuffle". If he wanted to go the bathroom he would shuffle an inch at a time, grab my arm almost pull me over, all the while moaning "oh dear oh dear oh dear".
Thing is I never got that. He knew I knew he'd walked to the betting shop literally the previous day. Would have taken him 3 hours at the 1 inch shuffle speed. Yet hes in my house laying it on thick that hes "so ill".
Its laughable - although my wife never found it funny.
Seriously, though, gambling is such a sad addiction; I sincerely hope he finds joy in other activities, and I also hope that he doesn't lose serious amounts at the track.
Most people have their own families as well. ALL of us would do right by our parents. Are we expected to give up our own families though because our parents play up or expect us to? Umm no.
Its a balancing act. No-one gets ALL my time. I have numerous responsibilities.
I have a wife whos long term ill, a teen with aspergers, a 6 year old - Am I callous because I refuse to cut them loose to spend 100% of my energy on Dad which is what he wants?
Interested to hear you're answer....
She was developing Alzheimer's/Dementia, and I had to step in and take over her life. I made sure she was well-cared for, and she passed away about two years ago from Alzheimer's related complications, but I'll have to say that lady (my own Mother) put me through Hell just about my entire life, including my childhood. I am finally now, at 52, feeling free and living my own life without having to worry about her, or fear what she's going to do to me.
As a side note, my MIL was actually ANGRY with the people in the ER because they DIDN'T find anything wrong with her!
I am not a fusser type person. It feels fake, and my dad was never that way with me. I simply tell him how expensive a nursing home is and if he wants to stay at my house here is what he needs to do. Straightforward works for some people.
faking a fall is quite possible, but if they get consequences they don’t like they are less likely to fake things.
Have you installed "nanny cams" in the house to monitor her safety? You might consider doing this. Put them up high, such as near the ceiling, so she cannot reach them - and might even forget that they are there. (Out of sight, out of mind.)
Another is that if it's due to dementia, then she is liable to be put in a facility for dementia (where she would belong), but if it is fake, then she may end up in such a facility but not like being there! It's like the small child claiming s/he's too sick to go to school, so the parents say s/he'll go to the doctor to get a shot to treat the sickness.
I know it might seem strange, but my Mom’s been gone a few years, and I wish I had more videos and pictures of her last years; even though she had Alzheimer’s, bits of her humor and personality would pop out here and there.
My 94 year old Mom has fallen (even with using her walker) and had no injuries. I know she didn't fall on purpose, she is older and doesn't have the balance she used to have. My Mom still tries to be independent because her entire life she was independent. She uses an electric heating pad and sometimes the plug comes out of the socket and instead of calling me to plug it back in she tries to do it herself, loses her balance and falls on the floor. Again, no injuries so far. I think I will duck tape the plug in.
Again, I would need more information regarding your MIL before I could give you my opinion.
Jenna
If your assessment IS correct, then her behavior may well be a cry for attention but you must be careful about buying into it. Perhaps suggesting a visit to her doctor to diagnose the problem will encourage her to rethink her behavior. And if there is a valid reason for her fall, then an attempt at diagnosis is definitely in order.
A frank discussion to reassure her that you love her and are there for her even when you are not physically present can never be a wrong move. Give her some slack – getting older is tough. It'll happen to you someday. It happens to us all--it's a relentless process. Aging ain't for sissies!
I live with my mom who will be 89 in a few weeks. I lived out of state for a 5 months last year And it wasn’t easy. She can’t hear and refuses to wear hearing aids she paid $5K for, so I never knew if she was sleeping through the phone ringing, if she did fall in the shower, or if she wasn’t with us anymore.
And as if that wasn’t enough stress, I’m constantly told “you never do anything around here...”
Right now, I’m relieved I never had children of my own. I have one now. I do wonder who will care for me when that time comes.