Mom, as a lot of our parents,does not think she needs a caregiver. She does for many reasons but will cancel them or if they do come I am concerned she will tell them to leave since there is not one of us there all the time. My one sister is but she does not want them in either. I am working on this issue but in the mean time how do you do it? She really think she doesn't need help She also feels she will have to entertain them
I’m at the point you were with your dad. My brother is an hour away from mom but is dealing with multiple health issues and can go pick up groceries but can’t do much more. I’m 8 hours away and have DPOA. My brother is second on POA only if I resign. He wants nothing to do with it as he’s got enough going on.
Mom has dementia and I was with her for 2 years. I’m absolutely stressed to the point of a nervous breakdown. I just had mom here at my home for 5 days (was supposed to be 10).
She insisted she wanted to go home after she was miserable for 5 days. (My house is too small, too isolated, you name it-even though I entertained her and showed her places she would enjoy going and activities). Well, I told her, if I take you home, I’m packing my belongings and going home and staying there. She was fine with that and she has been home 4 days and she is perfectly content in her home and thankful I brought home.
In a few weeks we are going to have a conference call between her and my brother at her lawyers and I will be on the conference call. The lawyer says she has diminished capacity and cannot sign legal documents. But my big question is can she really live alone!?
I want services in there - she has no car and she really should be taken to church, groceries etc herself- like you - I and my brother have a united front that she either gets in home help or goes to AL.
She doesn’t think she needs services, She doesn’t even want help from friends around her - she wants her neighbors to take her places - honestly they want no part of this…and noooo way is she going to AL. (Which her doctor, my brother and I think is the best option).
She’s good with her hygiene and keeping a clean house, physically good shape at 83, can make her own simple meals, pretty good with meds- but her short term memory is her problem. Example: if someone called her Friday and said they’d be there to pick her up for church on Saturday- she would never remember.
so hopefully my story will work out as yours did!
Is it just because she wants to....despite requiring more care than 1 or 2 people can provide?
And why is your sister who lives with her not wanting to let caregivers in? Is she doing the required care for your mom? Or does she not want the caregivers to see what a slack job she is doing with your mom?
So many unanswered questions here, but bottom line, if your mom doesn't want or think that she needs care, then let her be and quit propping her up.
If everyone quits doing for her and she is on her own to figure things out, she may just come around and let those caregivers in.
Or better yet, she will agree to move into an assisted living facility where she will be taken better care of and you can get with living and enjoying your life.
I would say that this is a case of whether or not your mother is capable of making her own decisions. If she is, then I would allow her to make them. If she is not, you are dealing with a larger issue which is how to get her diagnosed and into care.
You don't really provide us with enough information to help you much, but I do wish you good luck.
Until you fill in the gaps, your question cannot be answered.
It would be good for you to read some posts on here that are similar to yours. Sometimes it's eye-opening to know that many are in your same situation. Also, some have traveled too long on a path that starts out with mom not wanting any help.
my mom planned for live in LTC, has insurance and still didn’t /doesn’t want help. Fortunately, POA was timely
put in place so I just tell her it was her idea (as evidenced by insurance) and is needed now (she doesn’t remember to eat, bathe or take meds). You may also mention that you need her to have support for your own peace of mind and to be there for your family as she was there for you. It’s a journey for sure. Having supportive family / sibs to reinforce helps.
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1) You do not tell us what the 'many reasons' are that (apparently) you believe your mom needs a care provider and 'for many reasons."
- This could shed a lot of light on what is actually happening and how to proceed.
2) Do you not say how you are 'working on this issue"
3) You do not mention if your mom is left in the house alone at night and/or for how many hours (is she left alone);
4) You do not tell us that if your sister lives there (which some people responding here are presuming (unless I missed something).
5) Do you not tell us 'why' it is best for your mother to be / remain at home. Who's assessment is this? yours? MD? sister?
How do you come to this assessment?
6) Do you not tell us how many hours your sister and you are there doing 'caregiving' - nor what you are both doing.
7) Do you not mention legal documentation / if anything is in order and who has authority.
If it is medically determined that your mother is considered to be of "sound mind," to be able to care for herself / make her own (legal and otherwise) decisions about her life, there is perhaps little to nothing you can do.
Unfortunately these situations may change due to a fall requiring hospitalization and then the care needed may then be put in place (as your mother may not have a choice). She may be required to go to rehab and/or sent back home.
That your sister doesn't want caregivers in the home is a red flag (to me). Allowing your mom to be alone at times could result in serious medical consequences for your mother.
Why is your sister making these / this decision?
- Why doesn't she want a caregiver in the home caring for your mom when she isn't there?
If you feel the situation is serious, have you called your mom's MD?
If not, why not?
You could call APS (Adult Protective Services) and ask them to do a check although WITHOUT medical documentation whether or not your mom can or cannot take care of herself needs to be determined, perhaps before calling APS. I am not sure they will go over to the house w/o knowing MD determination of care needed (although they will certainly need more information than what you are providing here).
My sense is that your mother is 'way' beyond 'talking to her' about this. If dementia is involved, you cannot 'talk to her' about it. She doesn't have the mental / brain capacity to make these decisions.
She appears to have her feet firmly planted in "no caregiver... I am fine."
This behavior / belief certainly is not unusual. Most people who need help resist out of fear, dementia, losing independence and/or a combination of other factors. This situation is never easy.
So, from my point of view, you either:
1) get MD documentation that she needs caregiver help / should not be left alone-then figure out what to do if she resists (perhaps placement is needed).
2) you 'wait' until a medical situation requires an MD visit;
3) You wait until she needs to go to the ER;
4) Lastly, if she is left alone and MD says she needs someone there w/her, then call APS and ask them to make a visit - when you are there.
Whoever has legal authority will ultimately be the decision maker. You do not tell us that, either. There is a lot of blank spots in your post that you need to address.
Gena / Touch Matters
If you're going to use an agency someone will come out and design a careplan with you. This outlines what areas the client needs help in. If an agency you call does not offer to do this, they are not reputable and you shouldn't use them.
Many clients only need help with housekeeping and errands if they don't drive anymore.
Others needs that plus hygiene assistance, elder-sitting/companionship, meal prep, and socialization.
Does your sister who lives with your mother work? Is she away from the home all day so there needs to be caregivers?
Talk to her and let her know that unless she wants to be 100% for your mother and all of her care needs, she had better get on board with homecare.
Your mother needs to be made to understand that homecare coming in is not a choice. Either she accepts hired help in the home or she will end up in a care facility.
You can tell her what I have told countless clients who refused homecare and believed they could demand their families into servitude and meeting all of their care needs.
"Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn".
This tends to wor wonders getting out senior loved ones onboard with homecare.
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