I am a 17 year old girl in high school, and my grandmother is dying of cancer. She had helped raise me and my older sister because our mother was a single parent, and now she has little memory of me. My mother and sister tell me I am selfish because I do not want to care for her, but it's just that I never had a death in the family and don't know how to go about this. I just need some opinions... I don't think that I should be caring for my grandmother alone, when she can't even walk. What if she dies in my care? Should a 17 year old really have this responsibility? Am I being selfish? Please, I don't want to feel alone on this.
Caring for an older person is challenging enough for a young person, but more so when that older person is dying.
If your GM can't walk, not only should you not have sole responsibility or even joint responsibility for her care, but she should have professional support as well.
And what is it you are being asked to do? Sit with her and read, feed her, give her medication?
Is your GM on hospice? At home ? In a facility? It's difficult to know what's appropriate without knowing more about the situation.
If you are given 12 hour stretches where you are the sole caregiver and must make sure she eats or she will die, then yes, you should not be doing that much, & she needs hospice care. Which?
By the way, you have had deaths in your family, you were just kept from their knowledge. Isn't that unfair, that you are almost an adult yet you have not learned how to deal with life's unpleasant truth? Studies show life has a 100% fatality rate.
The former would be such a bad idea that I can't imagine it's the case. So assuming that what you're afraid of is being left in charge for relatively short periods, I have a couple of ideas that I hope might reassure you.
You're only 17, and I can imagine that the idea of your grandmother needing help and not recognising you as someone she knows is pretty panic-inducing. But have more faith in yourself. Courage isn't about not being afraid of things. Courage is about "feel the fear and do it anyway." Looking back, doing this could be something to learn from and be proud of having faced.
On the practical side, what might you have to do for her? Break it down into individual tasks. You can make a phone call if she needs urgent medical or hospice help - or if you need urgent advice, come to that. You can fetch her a drink. You can hold a bowl if she needs to puke. You can wash her face, brush her hair, plump her pillows. You can read your text books sitting quietly in your grandmother's bedroom just as well as you can in your own. Above all, you can hold her hand.
Talk to your mother about what exactly is expected of you. Make sure you understand clearly what you should do, step by step, if something seems to be happening that you don't know how to handle. If you feel that you're being asked to spend too much time caregiving and it's affecting your school work or activities or friendships (although, by the way, good friends will be supporting you, not whining about your not being able to go out the whole time), then negotiate - offer to do what you think is fair, rather than getting into a fight about the whole situation.
Death is frightening. It isn't right to tell you that you're weak or selfish to want to get away from it. But you will grow as a person if you can face it squarely and know that you've done all you can to make this sad time easier on your whole family. Good luck, look after yourself, and come back to let us know how you're doing.
If you volunteer to stay with GM for an hour or two (at most) it would be kind and
help you with maturity. However, at your age, it is not a requirement by anyone!
The accusations that you are not fulfilling your "duties" are beyond ridiculous...
Please reach out to authorities and get yourself out of the outrageous situation..
Grace + Peace,
Bob
I too feel that you are probably too young to do this. My husband took care of his dying mother and father at the age of 17 but he really had no choice. You have some choice and what is your mother doing anyway! It seems to me that she has done a lot of nothing all your life.
If you are being asked to do it all, I agree call child protective services. If you are being asked to just do a little, like hold her hand or get her some water or whatever that's understandable I think. But you sound as if you are really overburdened and maybe it is just too much for you particularly.
If I was in your situation, the first thing I would do is talk to ALL my teachers, especially the older ones. They need to know what's going on. It's entirely possible that one or more of them has been a caregiver for a dying relative and is willing to be there for you. Should you have a teacher that is being less than understanding, having a teacher on your side who buttonhole the less than understanding teacher and possibly talk sense into that person is *very* useful. Also, having someone outside the family who has been through this, whom you can talk to is enormously helpful. I know.
Make an appointment to see your guidance counsellor. That person should know what's going on as well. If the guidance counsellor is a social worker, that person MIGHT have training or some experience dealing with this sort of situation. Remember that guidance counsellors rarely interact with the Council for the Aging or Adult Protective Services people, so it might be limited as to how helpful the guidance counselor might be. The guidance counsellor MIGHT (depending on how busy he or she is) be willing to do research and set-up meetings with people who are much more knowledgable and would be able to help. It is in your best interest for your school to formally know what's going on--that's why you want to talk to your guidance counsellor.
If your town / city has either a Counsel for the Aging or a Senior Center, I would call that. In my state, Councils for the Aging and Senior Centers have staff social workers. This social worker will have experience (and interest) in working with seniors and their families. If you have problems finding which Council for the Aging or Senior Center serves your area, contact your state's Office for Elder Affairs (or similar organization) or your state level elected representative (state representative or state senator). Many have a constituent services representative and that person will put you in touch with the right people. I would make an ASAP appointment with a Council for the Aging social worker, and if I had to cut classes or ditch school for a day, I would do so. It's that important.
Perhaps the most important thing the Council for the Aging social worker can do is to moderate a family meeting. The social worker will back you up and tell your mother that you shouldn't be the primary caregiver for your dying grandmother. The social worker can talk to your mother and grandmother about hospice--and perhaps convince them that hospice care is in everyone's best interest. The social worker can talk to your mother, in private, about what happens if she (the social worker) files a report with Adult Protective Services. This is a carrot and stick approach, with the carrot being Hospice and the stick being Adult Protective Services. This usually works.
When approaching your grandmother about getting hospice care, tell her that you (and the rest of the family) will be able to spend more time with your her and this time is *really* precious. It's the simple things that matter. Because of hospice, I was able to spend time with my father binge watching our favorite TV show together--How It's Made. My mother and I didn't have to worry about cooking and cleaning, because volunteers took care of that. I live out-of-town. The help the volunteers gave my parents made it possible for me to prepare my house for my father's death--that I would be spending a lot of time at my mother's farmhouse preparing it for sale.
When my dad was terminally ill, hospice was there. His hospice care coordinator started helping us several months before my father formally entered hospice. She discussed care options with him--that included home care, nursing home or the hospital hospice. My father knew when it was time for hospice and had my mother call the doctor to make it happen, and me, so that I would come. The hospice was there for us, after he passed. They helped us grieve my father's passing--they will care for the family up to a year after the loved one's death. For example, one of the hospice chaplains made sure I went to church when I wanted to go but my mother didn't.
I hope this helps. My heart goes out to you.
DoN
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Establishing healthy boundaries is a coping skill that will serve you well throughout life.
I wouldn't use the term selfish. Unnerving and uncomfortable come to mind. My BIL was an only child and his mother worked, he had to come home from school and take care of his grandmother - sometimes we just have to do. I only learned of his situation last year but this happened about 55 years ago. Sadly, when it is a single parent and no one else to help - we do what we must.
But your sister should be helping and your mother if she isn't working.
Not
Do
This.
You have had NO training, not even as CNA, or you would have mrntioned it.
You are
a
child.
CONCENTRATE
on your school work, get good grades, and go to college even if you have to pay for it yourself. Take the initiative and apply for scholarships. Your school counselor can guide you.
Personally I do NOT want ANY of my grandchildren caring for me, not even my granddaughter who is a Registered Nurse.
Do NOT let ANYONE
BULLY YOU
into doing a job for which you have absolutely no qualifications.
Unfortunately, the OP also hasn't been back to comment so we don't know what her reflections are. I hope she and her family are doing as well as can be expected.
I didn't bother to read the new comments because Mbreuri has never returned to answer questions or clarify her situation after 6 days.
The thread has obviously taken on a life of it's own.
One of the clues I missed is that the OP's profile states that GM is in independent living, her post states that GM is dying of cancer and "she can't even walk.
Can't walk, but she's still in IL? Hmmmmm...
I missed this when I first posted; otherwise I wouldn't have.