The paranoia is getting so bad they think I’m taking & hiding things such as their TV remote control, ice cream scooper, set of keys, etc and they are starting to think I’m just here for inheritance. My mother is the one that’s misplacing the items but she won’t admit it. They are both severely delusional, they both hallucinate and they are super paranoid, with all of these they just continue to get worse.
I’ve put my own life aside and I’ve been here for 7 years. I drive them to Dr appts, make meals, clean, laundry, taking care of my own dog plus theirs, etc and now that they are getting so bad to the point where they absolutely cannot take care of themselves and need me or someone (dad refuses anyone he doesn’t know to come inside the home) they want me to move out. They need to sell their home because they have two sets of stairs with the longest, worst one being the one they have to use to get from their bedroom down to the front door, kitchen & dining area. My father has fallen down them twice. I just keep praying my mother doesn’t take a tumble, she’s come very close a few times now. It scares me because of her osteoporosis and her being so frail and off balance. I’ve been here for many accidents and the ones that are really bad my dad goes into shock instead of calling 911. My mother would not be here if it weren’t for me being here during two different falls and me knowing the need to call 911. I’m just at my wits end and don’t know what to do, I’m so burnt out but yet I’m so afraid to leave them here alone. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?
Thank you for caring and being so supportive so quickly, this is a great place to be.
Your initial description of the paranoia, accusations of taking/hiding their items, delusions, hallucinations, and denials are all clearly signs of dementia - what type we can't say - that is why specialists come in.
The stairs are also a huge warning sign, even without dementia! I am surprised that no one has intervened when emergency services have been required!
In a later response you say: "My father has been diagnosed and is on meds (they aren’t helping) but my mom isn’t even though her Dr is aware of her mental state, she has told mom that she thinks she needs to speak to a psychiatrist and all that did was make mom very angry so she is now looking for a new family physician. I need to speak to dads neurologist ASAP, just not sure who to speak with for my mother."
If the medication isn't helping your dad, he should be (re)evaluated and have proper medication prescribed. Dementia can't be cured, or really made any "better", but often symptoms can be treated. Not ALL symptoms can be alleviated, and sometimes it takes trial and error to find the one(s) that work best - also, some medications are contraindicated depending on the underlying cause of the dementia. We haven't had to do this, but others have posted elsewhere that this will require a stay in the neuro-psych ward. For our mother, who wasn't nearly this bad, a very low dose of Lorazepam will take the "edge" off if/when she has sun-downing symptoms. It does have a fall risk associated with it, but for us the low dose/low risk outweighs the harm she can come to when she is out of control! She also doesn't get it all the time, just "as needed", as it doesn't require build up in the system to work.
As for your mom, the doctor was an idiot to say this to mom. Our mother, in her own mind, considered herself independent, able to do whatever to care for herself (not true!) When the doctor said it wasn't safe for you to be living alone, she went ballistic! If the doctor had even hinted at needing a psychiatrist, she likely would have ripped the doctor's face off! For them, anything to do with psychiatry is indicating the person is "off their rocker", which our mom thinks, but that isn't true. Unfortunately you aren't likely to convince mom of that, so you'll have to get creative in order to get through this appointment (if she did fall and/or somehow ended up in the hospital, I would *insist* they do the evaluation and prescribing before they release mom!!!)
Hopefully you already have POAs set up - in that case, work with the doctor to set up an appointment for mom, but don't tell her what it is for (or make up an excuse that might not be disagreeable to her.) Perhaps that doctor could examine mom at the regular doctor's office, so she isn't aware of what the doctor is! Also see what can be done with dad's neurologist to get him settled.
Meanwhile, work towards either getting help to come in (dad's refusal will require some subterfuge on your part - perhaps introduce the people who come as your friends who are helping YOU) OR look into care facilities where they can be together. A doctor confirmation of incompetence will likely be needed to move forward with a POA. If you do not have POA, you will need to seek guardianship/stewardship via the courts (Elder Care attorney would be best to use and if mom/dad have assets, they should be used to cover all the costs.)
For negative behaviors, don't try to reason/argue with them, and certainly don't try to correct their "reality." Agree as much as you can, as weird as their thoughts might be, and try to redirect their focus onto something else. It doesn't always work, but if you can do this, it can calm things a bit for you! Little white lies, like agreeing you misplaced whatever item they accused you of taking and saying you will go locate it, should help. Never take any criticism as some failure on your part. It is the condition talking, not mom or dad (unless of course they were like this before dementia.)
Put it all on the doctor who is legally obligated to report elder abuse (which could happen if you leave them alone)
If you stay you must safe guard yourself as its very easy for them to fausly accuse and people who aren't familiar with their mental states could easily believe them. Accusing you of taking items they've misplaced seems trivial, the inheritance issue could snowball into financial exploitation accusation that could cause you a lot of issues down the road. Setting up cameras inside could help(nanny cams)keeping keys and other small things in thier bedroom could help too. Good luck.
My husband’s grandfather on his dad’s side got very ‘irritable’ in his old age. He fired his caregiver and housekeeper every single day! When they were hired to help they were told they would be fired by him and to ignore it. Two minutes later, he would forget that he fired them. Hard to deal with, I am sure. His caregiver and housekeeper were angels.
I hope you get this worked out. So stressful for you. You don’t deserve this kind of life.
I don’t think I would even want to be with them. Look at this as an escape opportunity.
You know now that you cannot keep them safe every single minute. There are two of them and one of you. Double trouble! They will be safe. You will feel better about that. You will feel relief about being able to live life again. Ask their doctor if there is a social worker on staff that you can speak with. Social worker can make suggestions for how to have them placed as soon as possible.
My dad was almost dead and the insurance decided that since he could transfer from bed to wheelchair he was good to go home.
I just hate to see someone have false hope and thinking 100 days is yours to command, is false hope.
First, has their primary care physician referred them to a neurologist to get a dementia diagnosis? That seems to be in order.
Actually, this is first - the falling down the stairs; and you've been there 7 years. Honey, you need emotional support like yesterday, because you need to install a stair-chair system, baby gates until you get one, hire a caregiver immediately to work with you - I'm going to cut to the chase, so though I may sound harsh, it's actually loving compassion. YOU stand the risk of elder neglect charges (which no one here is going to do, but listen to what I'm saying) because YOU are their caregiver and are not taking proper measures to protect themselves from themselves. Straight up, they sound like bullies and they are team against you. Now, the real hard way about this, is to have a social worker come to your home to evaluate them/the situation - maybe it'll take a trip or two, but I bet you the result is that they will be required to have 24/7 caregiving or you'll be told they have to go into a facility for self-protection. TRUTH: My little ol' mean tough lady got up to walk when I wasn't in the room (she knew she had to have help because she was too unsteady) & of course, fell, on a low table, and put a small fracture in her hip. Had surgery, went to rehab, and before she was released, the head of the facility & a social worker interviewed us (me, the son & her), and point blank told us - get 24/7 care or she goes to a facility. She wouldn't even be release until we signed a statement she'd get 24/7 care immediately. Later I asked her why she did that because she knew she needed help and this was her answer, "because I wanted to do it myself." So, no evil intent there, but reality is reality. We have to do what we have to do sometimes.
If you're too burnt out at the moment, which it sounds like you are, because you're allowing things that should not be..NOT to say you don't care!! There's only so much anyone can take. (Not to get religious on you, but even Jesus asked for the 'cup to be passed from him' if possible - he cried out to his father for help!). It's so good that you wrote & cried out for help!!
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to care for them PROPERLY...AND YOURSELF! Whether they like it or not. You are right. YOU ARE RIGHT - this is wrong; with your parents acting the way they are. GET HELP. Get help honey.
I hope we all help you to get started moving on this. You CAN do it. Get in touch with a local office on aging and go from there. Big hugs..go - go do this.
If you get desperate there is always adult protective services, but at this point, I would say the suggestions to call their MD and a lawyer would be better. I'm sorry you didn't do so sooner, but the sooner the better, for your own well being.
Call Elder Services, an elder attorney and their doctor.
Perhaps the doctor can write a letter saying "unfit" without seeing them.
They are losing it, it's not about you...tough love is required, stand strong, and KNOW you are doing what's best for them, even though they don't get it!
My parents ended up in hospital and then rehab which really helped me execute moving them out of their house.
May it all go smooth for you. Let us know how it goes...
God-speed!
God bless!
This hateful woman wrote hate letters to everyone before she died.
Redirect -- If you get accused of taking things try telling them "oh I move it and I will get it in a minute. They want you to move out tell them "I'm packing up but haven't found a place yet".
Take the knobs off the stove. Make sure the water heater is set so the water doesn't get too hot when running the hot water. Knives should be put away in a locked cupboard along with tools. Get a security camera inside the house so when you are gone you can keep an eye on them (Ring is good cuz it records sound).
I know dogs are part of the family but they require work can they be relocated to a friends house temporarily until mom and dad are moved?
blessings
hgnhgn
Maybe its a good idea to move them to the first floor?
DO NOT focus on what they did to you,. This will hold you back in life. Focus your attention on the issues at hand. In the end, when they are no longer here and you reflect on the time spent with them, there will be no regrets.
Just agree with everything they say and change the subject to something more pleasing...
I know it is not an easy task for you. It also was not an easy task for our parents taking care of us when we were children.
My father passed when I was Nine. Today, I wish I could have had more time with him. Your parents [regardless of how much of a burden some find them to be] are our earthly Gods and we MUST do everything we can for them. In the end, you will be blessed in abundance... Money cannot buy the best of health, joy, laughter, happiness and a heart which overflows with contentment.
All the best.
If we approach anything we do in life as a burden. A BURDEN it will become.
It will get better.
Definatley call adult protective services, I wish I'd have reached out to them before they reached out to us (due to my brother stealing money) but turns out they are SUPER helpful, but ya gotta ask them for help and they understand believe me I was actually shocked how much they were concerned about my health caring for my mom.
Icannot believe there's 2 stairways, ya APS should come and check out the hazards there at the house.
I gave up my.life too, I feel for you. I feel so isolated and an unproductive member of society. I miss my own place, car, job, social life. I guess just know you're not alone. You can msg me anytime if u want to vent
Good luck xxx
Also, check into elder care agencies in your state. Texas has "adult protective services" and they can do welfare checks.