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I’m 56 and even though I’m not an only child I have been the one always taking care of my parents, unfortunately my dad passed in March (we were very close) and I’m having a hard time dealing with it at the same time my mother dementia has gotten worse since his passing they were together 72 years but 43 of them she treated him like crap and now she misses him. I work from home and take care of her, I have no help and when I applied for home aid through Medicaid they denied her ( she makes to much money $, 1200 a month it’s a joke) I don’t have a social life because I can’t leave her alone all I do is work. Just a little background I had my daughter at 15 so I’ve been caring for someone my whole life. I'm to a point that I’m starting to resent my mom and I know it’s not her fault she is sick but she hasn’t been the most motherly herself my dad was my whole support my whole life. I feel like a horrible person for feeling like this.

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Firstly, you are entitled to feel how you feel. Whatever that is. Angry, sad, lonely, fed up, exhausted.

"I have no help".

I get that. I felt that too, overwhelmingly, over the last month.

Since then I have been taking my own advice! 😁 To USE all this energy (from pent up resentment) towards looking for options. Making calls, talking to people, researching how things work, how funding for works for assisted living.

"I can’t leave her alone".
That is not sustainable.
That is *Mission Creep*. The person with needs can sort of take over. Like a vine, weaving in & around... kill off their caregiver's social life, their free time, hobbies, own health appointments, holidays, disrupt their work life & relationships.. with no end.. Until you say No. This must change.
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Reply to Beatty
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Being exhausted and burned out in your situation makes complete sense. You’re grieving a tough loss, plus dealing with more responsibility than one person can reasonably handle. Call your local Council on Aging and ask about what’s available for your mother. Consider if she needs to move to a setting with professional help. Consider the impact of your current living arrangement on your daughter as well as your own health. Caregiving has to work not just for your mother, but for all involved. You’re not horrible. I wish you courage to figure out changes, peace, and healing
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Find out some more detail about the Medicaid denial. It might have been for the ‘home aid’ you requested rather than the money (or as well as it). Home care for more than a few hours is much more expensive to provide than care in a facility, where staff are shared between a number of people. While Medicaid varies between states, it is not usually generous for home care.

You are not ‘a horrible person’, just a completely normal person reacting to unreasonable demands on you. What is your mother paying for? All her monthly income should be going towards her upkeep.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Sounds Like you are Burnt out and we all get to that Point . Sorry your Dad Passed . Try and get some help - talk to a Therapist .
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Reply to KNance72
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Talk to an Elder Care attorney.......most give a free consultation. $1200 A Month income should not prevent mom from qualifying for Medicaid, perhaps even long term care Medicaid in a nursing home. You're not a horrible person for feeling tired and burned out....dementia is a LOT to deal with 24/7 and a team approach is much more feasible. You matter too, so don't forget that.

My condolences on the loss of your dear dad.

Best of luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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