My wife passed just two months ago after going through several hospitalizations and nursing home stays. The past year her suffering was unimaginable. Now that she's gone I find it difficult to be alone in my home. I think I'm being active to get my mind off her death, but once I'm home the grief starts and to make things worse, I think about my daughter who disowned us about four years ago with no explanation as to why. Attempts to contact her have failed. Not once did she make an attempt to visit her mother. Even after my wife was cremated my daughter made no attempt to contact me or her brother to get details. Both my son and daughter live a few miles from my home. I have been attending grief counseling, but it's not enough. Can someone please help
I am Catholic as well. I attended Catholic school. I burn candles before or after mass. Consider being added to my prayer requests.
I am so sorry that your wife suffered so much. It doesn’t feel fair at times or we feel that God is sleeping when we are praying. I think it’s natural to question God at times. Even the greatest of prophets questioned God. I do find comfort in my faith. Is my life perfect? Far from it.
Not all prayers are answered but I have to tell you that I have seen miracles that I never expected.
I really wish the very best for you. I’m a parent. I’ve had ups and downs with my kids. We all do! Anyone who says they have a perfect family is lying. You know that. Life isn’t that simple. Life is full of challenges. Somehow we manage in spite of it.
I will leave you with this. I spoke to a nun one day about feeling like I was a hypocrite and losing my faith. She asked me, “Who would you say suffered more than anyone who walked this earth?” I told her, “Jesus.” She said to me, “You’re not a hypocrite. You haven’t lost your faith. You’re depressed. God is collecting every one of your tears in a bottle.” I instantly knew she was referring to the Psalms, 56:8. I have always loved that Psalm.
David was an interesting writer. I often identify with his anguish but also his remorse, his deep passion, his thanksgiving and praise.
You’re Catholic so you know at every mass we have a reading from the Old Testament, Psalms, Gospel and New Testament. We say the Gloria in excelsis Deo which is a beautiful Latin prayer and the Apostles Creed.
They aren’t just words for believers. They mean something. I am glad your wife found comfort receiving communion.
I love the Psalms.
Just a horribly sad situation all around. It devastated all of us. I don’t know if my MIL knew about his behavior. He was never as attentive as you were to your wife when she was sick. He had everyone believing he was so in love with his wife. Fact or fiction? Who the hell knows? It’s too long and complicated to go into all the details. My husband who is a wonderful husband and father has no relationship with his dad.
I said to him that he may want to reconnect with him. He’s 96! I don’t want my husband to have regrets.
My husband has settled this in his head and heart and has no desire to reconnect. He forgives him but his dad and the woman were extremely nasty to us, he even abandoned our daughters, his own grandchildren. My daughters asked us why did grandpa forget about them. It was heartbreaking.
My daughters and I support my husband no matter what he would choose. It’s up to him. Unfortunately, it’s up to your daughter as well if she chooses to have you in her life. We can’t force anyone to do anything. We don’t have any magical powers.
I wish you the best no matter what happens.
When I said that my dad was worth working things out with to my husband his response was that my dad was worth it. He feels like his dad isn’t and what would be the point of reconciliation with a very selfish person. I get that. Plus he said that he didn’t want to reopen old wounds.
I appreciate your response to my post and your honesty. If you feel that you can’t let go then I totally respect that. Who am I to tell you how to feel? I understand what you are saying. It’s unrequited love. We all respond differently to what hurts us. Also, none of us know until we are in the same situation how we would react to it.
You desire to feel her love and want a relationship with your daughter. That is totally natural. Why wouldn’t you want that? You love her unconditionally regardless of her actions that hurt you as well as her mother and brother. This isn’t just painful. It is agonizing for you. I feel it through your words. You have expressed your emotions very clearly.
You have acknowledged that we as parents are not perfect and I sincerely believe that you have asked for forgiveness for any harm that you possibly caused her and I don’t think you did anything intentionally to harm her emotionally. Just my guess because I feel your love for your wife, son and your daughter in your writing.
Some people die with unrequited love and possibly a person is simply not capable of feeling any other way. It is your choice.
I sincerely hope that your daughter will make peace with you. I feel that you will always hold out hope and I would never tell you to give up that hope regardless of what realistically could happen. If a person gives up hope, what is left? Nothing. So hold onto your hope. No one has the right to take that away.
I think you feel that you must hold onto hope because otherwise the finalization of accepting the relationship is over would hurt worse. Am I right?
I don’t have any magical powers. None of us do. But if you would like me to remember you in my prayers I certainly will do that.
Please let us know how you are doing. I wish the very best for you today and in the future.
I can tell you that I loved my father very much. He and I didn’t always see eye to eye.
I felt like he didn’t understand me at times, but he did. I just didn’t know it. I finally told him from the depths of my heart how I felt and he asked me a very interesting question.
He asked me if I was ever happy at home? The question really took me aback in a way I did not expect I would feel. First of all his question showed me that he cared. It took my mind off of everything I perceived to be total misery and refocus on what was important. It wasn’t totally miserable. It was misunderstandings for the most part. It was purely ‘life’ with all of its frustration.
I answered his question honestly and told him that there were many happy times in spite of the troubled times. That day was a new beginning for both of us.
He apologized to me for certain things and for the first time he explained that his father never took his feelings into account so he honestly didn’t know how you act any differently. I saw my father in a totally different light. I apologized for hurting him too. None of it was intentional for either of us.
His dad was very much a ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ kind of dad. My dad and I healed and resolved issues that day. By him opening up to me I began to understand him. I realized just how much he did love me and how much I wanted his love and to return that love.
Please just show her love if you get the chance. Only love.
I have since gone back to attending church.
And last, what you and your dad did, getting back together is remarkable. In a way your saying if I can do it, you can do it. Maybe it will happen, who knows? My hope is that someday there will be peace in our family.
Thank you once again. You have been a great help.
I have lost plenty of people in my life that I have loved but not my spouse. I will not insult you by saying that I know how you feel because I can’t imagine how painful it must be.
I have children and yes there are always challenges raising children. I have read the responses and you have received wonderful heartfelt advice. I feel the same.
As much as it hurts you can’t change your circumstances. Always keep the door open for her to communicate. Write a note if you wish. At some point in time, let go. These things are beyond our control and believe me all families have their issues. No one has a perfect family.
I wish you well and hope that in time you will find peace and joy again.
Get involved in some good group grief sessions where you won't feel so alone. When the time feels right, look into a retirement community for yourself and start a new life.
Your daughter may or may not come around, who knows? As much as it hurts, you can feel good knowing your conscience is clear. At some point, let her know you'll always be there to talk things through with her, but that you are NOT going to grovel or beg. Then stop contacting her....the ball is in HER court and you've done all you could possibly have done.
Ccontinuing to contact her and getting no response just keeps the wound fresh and open, preventing you from healing. Enough is enough. You've done nothing to deserve such treatment, so don't go back for more.
Best of luck, my friend.
I have joined grief meetings that meets once a month. I'm planning on joining another one also.
I presently live in a retirement community but it's not enough. I'm thinking about moving into a retirement home, which I think will help with the loneliness.
Once again, thank you for your response, It's very helpful.
I can tell you...my parents were not kind while I was growing up, and I remember every mean word, every ugly comment, every lie, every NO. It affected me all my life, and I”m now 57. NOW they want me to be around to help them in their old age because there is nobody else (sister died/brother doesn’t care). They of course have selective memory and dont remember a single ugly thing about my early years so I am the crazy one. I expect no better as they showed me a long time ago what I could expect. I have still tried to help, but stubbornness and denial has derailed any efforts..not to mention my anger at feeling stuck with some people that I feel never really cared about me. I have since taken back full control of my life - after reading a lot of the postings from people here. (Thank you smart people).
I am so sad for you, your loneliness and sadness is coming through very clearly in your postings. I think it might be a good thing to look into a retirement community with people who are around your age, and you may find some very good companions to spend some time with there, as many are in the same type situation as you. You know, sometimes friends become your family...it is not unusual, and I have some very close friends that have become my family because mine can’t be counted on. I hope your soul begins to heal, and you can find a way to move forward. Best wishes.
I am presently living in a retirement community but it's not enough. Still have a empty home and need a couple of surgery's. Afterwards moving to a retirement home I think will help a lot.
Thank you so much for your kindness. I hope your life is filled with happiness.
If you reach out, I would simply state, "I love you and I'd like to have a relationship. What can I do?" Then you work with a therapist (hers most likely) to grovel to have any relationship, positive or negative.
I decided I had to protect my family from my mthr who was certifiable
(and arrestable). What I looked at was that I had been the best daughter that I could under the circumstances. What you can do is to see that you have been the best dad and granddad under the circumstances. If you can pay to leave letters with your attorney to be delivered to your grandchildren on their 25th birthdays (when parental influence wanes), that might be a way to let them know that their granddad cared about them, wondered about them, and hoped/prayed for the best for them. If I had received something like that from my grandmother (who hoped to keep me away from mthr when I was little) that would have been priceless. As it was, anything my Grammy gave me was destroyed by mthr because of mthr's rage and jealousy. Do what you can as that is all you can do.
When my daughter walked out of our home, her family went with her which included my granddaughter. She like her mother has made no attempt to communicate with me. I suspect her mother has something to do with it even thinking her mom has lied to her. That's why the cards and letters are so important for her to read.
All of this couldn't come at a worse time. It's so distracting. I strongly believe in family being a strength not a weakness.My wife could have used my daughters presence. It would have given her so much happiness, instead she died without my daughters love.
Just for now, don’t focus on your daughter; you can’t control her choices, even if they’re hurtful and baffling from your standpoint.
Try and concentrate on what you CAN improve: your own peace of mind. I would ask the grief counselor for advice, and be frank about needing more than he or she can provide. Some counsellors are more helpful than others. They just click with us better.
Take it easy, and don’t make too many demands on yourself. What you “should” be doing and what you “used” to do, you may not have the emotional energy for at this time in your life. That doesn’t mean that you will always feel this way.
I’ll include you in my prayers.
It's difficult not to keep my daughter in my thoughts, especially since my wife has left us. Many times since her death I've been asked how is my family doing. Innocent questions but with horrible answers. For about the first three years after my daughter left us and asked the same type of question, I would avoid telling what she had done. Now I tell the truth, shocking those into total disbelief. I'm not doing it to get even, it's because it gives me relief, I feel better getting it out.
And I will include you in mine, thank you.
And we don't know who else in the daughter's circle may be dealing with similar tragedies.
There have been times in my life where things were going on that made me distance myself from my family. A divorce that nobody understood, was one. I can understand that there are many people that do not want to share, intimately, what is very difficult for them in the present. It could be that daughter is having a very difficult time, emotionally, with her mother's death or just about anything. Some people are just very private that way and do not need or want the emotional support.
I have been given advice to let it go, to stop trying to figure out why my daughter did this and concentrate on myself. It's good advice, but I can't leave it be. Strangely with all the damage she has done I still love her and miss her, but we will never be a family again.
I'm not holding back my grieving. I have joined a support group and will probably go to a second group. It helps a little. I've been to two meetings so far and all I've done is cry while telling my story.
I'm going to suggest something perhaps more drastic, not to be harmful, but to place the current situation in context. Let your daughter go. Don't continue to attempt contact; it hasn't been successful, probably won't be at this time, and is only causing you more grief and stress.
No one can possibly know what's in her thoughts, even perhaps if she's had major challenges and issues of her own that she doesn't want to share with you or her brother. And that may have absolutely nothing to do with you or your wife.
I know of someone who was adamant that relatives attend family gatherings at her house, chastising and condemning those who presumably wanted to spend holidays at their own homes. This criticism was unfortunate, especially when one of the members who wouldn't come died of lung cancer.
For whatever reasons the relative did not want to share his terminal issues with anyone in the family except his wife. When he died, his relative still blamed him for not advising her, but w/o realizing that he had his own reasons for not sharing his health challenges.
This is not to infer that any blame is appropriate for you; it's merely to suggest that your daughter may have challenges that she doesn't want to share, whether it's from embarrassment, or as a protective measure.
And, I don't think you can change anything at this point. I think it's better to focus on your own healing, and through that, you may reach a point that her absence isn't causing the grief it is now.
One of the side effects of losing my father, after my mother and sister died, was the sense of isolation, of being alone in the world. I had to reach out to others, starting online, and gradually incorporating events, with the goal of eventually starting a woodworking home business and becoming involved in a charity like one of our other members, who volunteers at a hospital.
Let your grief be released, cherish your wife and cry whenever you feel the need. There's scientific evidence that crying does address and release stress; there's something in the tears that attests to this. (Someplace I have links to articles on this).
Did your wife have specific charities she supported, or was she involved in activities? One thing I've decided to do is become involved in the local Senior Centers, and in Veteran activities. I've done volunteer work periodically throughout my adult life and always benefited from it. Even if you don't volunteer, just getting out and meeting others can be beneficial, for both you and them.
But don't repress your grief; let it out.
I wish you peace, solace, learning, and personal growth as you approach this challenging aspect of your life.
Thank you for your saying goodbye, I wish you the same.
My oldest was not easy to raise, very independent. Even so, she was the one who needed more attention. She had been an only child, only niece, only grandchild till she was about 7. Then her favorite uncle had a child of his own, then her favorite Aunt. And I had another child. She no longer was the center of attention and never had been with her real father. It caused problems in her early teens. Do you think this could be where ur daughter is coming from. She needed more than u gave. Not that you weren't loving parents but she need a little more.
Now I am not saying this is you...but I had a friend who never saw where her actions are what caused the riff between her and her 2 sons. It was always them, their wives. Its hard but look inside urself. Did u maybe favor the son a little more. Did you "constructively criticize" her. (Thats what my DH calls it and I kept telling him u cannot do that with girls. He was raised with 2 brothers)The day she walked out, think, what was going on at the time she left. Where u paying more attn to another grandchild? Didn't hug and kiss her when she walked in the door? Was something said that she took a little too personally? It could be something really small as interrupting ur conversation with her to speak to someone else. Did u slight her daughter in any way. Its could be something u wouldn't take offense to, but she does.
Emails are very impersonable. I would get a nice card and tell her you miss her. That you have no idea why she walked out and hasn't spoken to you or her mother. That you can't fix the problem unless you know what it is. You would love to have lunch or dinner together to talk things out. If you are able to this remember, you may find how she feels unfounded but that is how SHE feels and you need to except that. Never say "thats not true, we never did that" In her mind that is how she thinks. No matter how you perceived the incident, her mind perceives it differently. Say you never realized she felt this way and where donu go from here. No matter how much it hurts, u both are going to have to leave it behind and go on from there.
My BIL will tell you his Dad was never around. DHs Dad liked to play baseball and basketball and spend time at a local mens type club. My DH told his brother that Dad asked us all if we wanted to go to his games, you always said no. DH never felt his Dad was never around. Two boys raised by the same parents with way different memories.
I pray that you can get your family back. I would write that one last note and tell her its now up to her.
And what's supposed to be my last email to be sent at any time does say something like it's up to her, not for reconciliation, but for answering me so this can be finally be put to bed.
Mom would weep over it. Her wails of "What have I done?" ripped us girls' hearts out. Her pain lasted for years. Thankfully, deep into her dementia caused her to forget. One day, surprisingly, she brought him up. I gently told her that after her husband, our stepdad, passed away 18 years earlier, my brother "borrowed" $6,000 from the life insurance. Brother never came back. It was his cowardice and selfishness to not own up to what he did. Mom considered it and nodded her head. She was gone a week later.
You have much to mourn, HelpThyNeighbor. You've been through an ordeal, and it's not over. There are many reasons (or excuses like my brother) why your daughter chose to distance herself.
Please seek grief counseling, I recommend a group session. Why a group session? That's because of this forum right here. There are people here who are or were in the same boat and have the same issues. Finding you're not alone is immeasurable help. People in that group will have also suffered the loss of a beloved spouse. They may also have a child who chose to distance themselves.
Be good to you. Be gentle with yourself. Try not to focus on your daughter. Focus on the support and love of your son and build that bond between you.
I am going through grief counseling that meets monthly and going to attend a different group once I get the info.
It's difficult not to think about what my daughter has done, it's with me all the time. My wife's passing at this time makes things so much worse.
My son has helped me so much over this past year. I told him some good came from my wife's poor health and her death, it brought he and I much closer.
As to your daughter, it is surprising that someone cuts off family without giving a clue as to why. And I think that could indicate that this person may not be worth getting back in touch with.
Right now you are desperate for family. If there is a center near you, take some classes, play some games, connect with others so you can share your feelings. You have tried to connect with your daughter. If you continue pursuing this grown woman, she may respond, and the sad truth is that you may be sorry when she does. You have reached out. Now it is in her court.
There seems to be something deep-seated, angry, unforgiving, uncaring going on for her that would not be good to have visited on YOU now. It would divert your attention, but perhaps to disasterous outcome. I am thankful you have your son.
I hope things get better. I hope if you find things that help you will let us know.
I hope things get better.
Over the course of the last four years my feelings for my daughter has changed numerous times. I would want her back then later I would get so angry at what she did. This back and forth finally stopped this summer. Because there was no hope for my wife, and my daughter knowing it, she still did nothing. At this time I decided to give up trying to get our family back together. I can't except what she has done even though I still love her and miss her. You are right, there's something deep seeded that's affecting my daughter, and that alone is reason to stay away.
I don't know what I would have done without my son's help.He was there so much either at the hospital or nursing home. He and his family is all I have left.
As for the daughter, could you contact the son-in-law to get some answers? Actually knowing why can't change whatever it was, but maybe it would give you some ideas on how to heal whatever the wound is.
It wasn't taking care of my wife the past year, it was being with her every single day, regardless where she was, either a hospital or a nursing home. She was home only about 5% of her last year. You are right, because I was with her so much, I never saw most of my friends and neighbors except for one close friend of my wife. I would keep her advised and she would pass it on throughout the neighborhood. I have started getting them back into my life which helps so much.
Your suggestion pertaining to my son-in-law. I've never considered it because all three of them left our home. None of them have tried to make any contact with me. I'm assuming he's on the same page as my daughter or he's just staying clear for fear of starting something.
So what do I do now? I have grief coming from two directions. I could try and rid myself of my daughter, but I might regret it later. I need to concentrate on my wife no longer being a part of my life, I have to, but there's always a but! I don't know what I'll do.
Thanks for trying to help me. You take care.
Our relationship when she was young was not the best, but there was never any abuse, drugs, swearing, alcohol. After high school we were there so much for her, helping her in so many ways. After she moved away from home we got countless letters from her telling us how much she loved us and thanking us for always being there for her. The letters continued after her marriage and having a child. The letters told us how happy she was to have the best parents she could ask for. This is why I'm left with not being able to get past it. Our family no longer exists because of what she's done.
Our son stayed neutral, on occasion trying to find out why his sister left us. Her responses were always vague, nothing concrete. He stayed in touch with her up until this May when he noticed she was no longer calling or text messaging him. He hasn't spoken to her since. Growing up and into adult life the two of them were close.
So, there's much more, but it just adds to the puzzle. If you have more ideas please send them to me, I would appreciate it. Once again, thank you.
Send her a loving personal non-email note asking her "How did I fail you? Can you tell me so I can examine my fault, and attempt to make apology to you? It would bring me some peace to know, and I would honor your wishes not to be in my life if that is your wish."
You are actually grieving 2 losses. The loss of your wife and the loss of your daughter.
The fact that she broke contact with you is immaterial it is still a loss and one you may not have processed while dealing with your wife's illness.
Do you know the reason she broke off contact? If so is it "fixable" If not does your son have contact with her? Could he find a way to mediate this or can the counselor you are seeing? Keep in mind she is also grieving the loss of her mother. (even though she did not have contact it is still a great loos to loose your mother. )
Keep communication open.
If you are going to host holiday gatherings this year..invite her. If you get an invitation to go somewhere where she will be ..go. If she knows you will be there is is on her then to accept or decline invitations to family gatherings.
It has been almost 3 years since I lost my Husband and you are right..when you get home after a busy day the quiet house can get to you. Luckily I have a few 4 legged critters that greet me, need me and make an evening not so quiet!
I truly believe my daughter is not grieving her mothers death. There's been too many examples of why I believe this. In a recent email that I haven't sent to my daughter yet, I told her in spite of breaking our family apart and not visiting her mother, I still have love for her and miss her so much, but our family will never be the same. It just doesn't exist anymore.
Then I focused on having less time alone in the evenings. I invited friends and extended family over once a week for a meal and an evening of movies/cards/chat. I started attending community events like ballgames, outdoor concerts, festivals, and genealogy club gatherings - anything where I had a remote interest.
In time it gets better, one day you will walk through a room and feel only loving reminders. Some days there will still be sadness and the pain of what's missing, but that will come less frequently. As you build your "after" life, one day you will find yourself moving a lamp your LO chose into your den because your don't need a retreat anymore.
For me, staying busy has helped, volunteering, joining clubs, going to the gym.
As for your daughter, this is quite common place today, not saying I understand or that it is right to cut you out of their lives, but it happens. Most of my friends have one child that does not talk to them, the family unit is very broken today. Have you considered writing her a email or sending her a snail mail card?
I wish you the very best in this difficult time, be patient with yourself, we all grieve differently and there is no time limit.
Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Maybe developing a new "coming home" habit would help.
After my mom died, I hung a very happy picture of her right by my front door. It allowed me to say hello and goodbye each day.
((((((Hugs))))))). And welcome.
You gave no backstory about your daughter, so it is impossible for anyone to speculate on her reasons for establishing distance from you. What was her relationship like with you and her mother growing up? With her brother?
I have a first cousin who did the same thing—just absented himself permanently for no discernible reason. Just—quit communicating. To this day we have no idea what made him do that. Our house was a block from theirs, we saw them all the time when I was growing up, and there was no abuse, no trauma, no dysfunction. But I suppose one never really knows. In your daughter’s case, can you think of anything at all that might have made her decide that life was better without you all, than with you (the old Ann Landers litmus test for a marriage, that works for other relationships, too.)
Try writing her a letter, maybe? Sometimes it’s easier than an awkward face-to-face dialogue. Perhaps get your therapist to help you word it. Don’t use accusatory language, don’t sound too pitiful, don’t try to “guilt” her (I hate that word used as a verb, but it kind of works here...). Just try and ask calmly, adult to adult, what her side of the strange story is, and what, if anything, she thinks can or should be done. Can’t hurt, may help.
Meanwhile, I hope your spirits begin to improve, and that your son is helpful at this time.