My mom just died a week ago at the age of 65 unexpectedly, one week after a stroke and a few days after a cancer diagnosis. I’m 33 and my dad checked out mentally and left me with all medical decisions in the middle of it all. I was the only one there when she died and it was traumatic for me but I pray I did ok by her at the time. Every night I see her face and feel the panic from those last moments. How can I move past this? I have two very small kids, one of which I’m needing to get counseling for he’s having nightmares calling for my mom. I got a prescription from a nurse practitioner but it isn’t helping me. Any advice how to move past the weight of making every medical decision for someone’s end of life and then watching them die?
I am so sorry forvthe sudden loss of your mom. What a terrible thing for one so young!
What kind of med was prescribed, if I can ask?
Please take this one step, one hour, one day at a time.
Think about having your kids draw pictures of fun things t g ey did with your mom, tell stories that you write down for them. Go through old c picture albums and tell them your stores about her.
Don't rush your grief. Be gentle with yourself and lookup meditation apps on the web. 10 minutes a day can do wonders.
You can't expect this trauma to fade quickly as you didn't have the "luxury" of seeing your mom decline bit by bit and be able to go through some of the stages of grief as most of us have. It all happened at once to you.
Try to go easy on your dad, too. Oftentimes the spouse is the worst person to handle those big decisions because they're too close to their loved one and can't bear to make them. It doesn't make it easier on you, of course, but he lost his life partner and is devastated as you also are.
Try to get into a grief group -- all of you -- and work through this as a family. It'll be OK -- I promise.
Watching mom pass away has probably been a form of trauma for you. What you are describing not only sounds like grief, but PTSD. So hard.
I can only describe my experience with PTSD, it won't be the same as yours as nobody died - I was hit by a car. For about a month I relived the BAM! BAM! BAM! over and over again. I couldn't get it out of my head. My husband said I was waking up in the middle of the night screaming from nightmares I guess. In the month it tapered down. It got to where I'd only think about it a dozen times a day instead of 100 times a day. A month after the accident, I finally got the police report and reading the eyewitness report totally triggered me again, but it simmered down within a day or two. PTSD is tricky. If you can sit with it, and allow yourself to feel the discomfort of it, and move through you and out of you, instead of blocking it and having it keep resurfacing and simmering below the surface, it will probably be better for you.
I wish you much peace and God's blessings that you can replace the sad with good and loving memories.
Know that your mom is so very proud of the way you handled everything, and that she is looking down at you smiling with her heart bursting with love.
At this point I think that attending a Grief Share support group will do you more good than any drug can do, as you have to be able to talk things out with others who can relate to what you're going through.
I was the sole caregiver for my husband in our home, and when his 6 week dying process started it too was very difficult for me to witness, as hospice wasn't able to get his pain under control and it appeared to me that he was suffering greatly. I felt like I was suffering from PTSD after he died, until my husband appeared to me one night(about 2 1/2 months later)with a big smile on his face, and I knew that he was good and at peace, and I could move on from those horrible images in my mind, and could now replace them with his smiling face.
So please give yourself time, and allow yourself and your family time to grieve the mom you loved so. You will be ok. I promise. God bless you.
I wish you better days ahead when the pain and the confusion are more manageable and happier days with your mom are recalled.
Fresh grief IS painful and to be endured with the knowledge that life is for the living and goes on even though it seems pointless at times when we are dealing with such loss. Grief is individual. No right or wrong and sometimes it seems no rhyme or reason. Big hugs to all of you. Take care.
Add a few drops of Dr Bach Rescue Remedy ...all natural..avail in any big pharmacy, supermarket...and on amazon, Walmart.
The Rescue Remedy in chamomile tea will help both yourself & your baby who's having nightmares to regain your balance.
Avail as a liquid ...& a cream. Rub on pulse points....behind ears & on wrists every time you think of it...even every hour.
This wonderful little product has been around over 80 years now...as a young mum its my first choice & my last resort when there is emotional chaos
Additionally, get out for a walk each day at a set time...even if you think you "don't have the time" make the time...This will help you sleep better, think more clearly & feel better.
Finally, keep reaching out , as you did on here..this time in your life Will pass...You will be stronger & wiser for this experience. Took a lot of strength & intelligence to handle major important decisions regarding your mother's life. I am sure she is very proud of you. "That's my girl" she would say with a smile
Keep your head up girl
It was sudden...no wonder you are having so much pain! And your son as well. We are our own worst critics. You were put in that position without your consent. Please leave all guilt behind. You did the best you could, and your just being there was a comfort t oyour mom. Many die alone in nursing homes; you were there. Think of all the scenarios that could have happened and realize that you were in the right place, at the right time.
God bless you as you go through this! Pray for the grace to let go. It is so freeing when y ou can finally do that. I went through that and it is soooo hard. One thing I've learned through all I went through, is to realize that what's done is done. Nothing you can do about it but move forward and remember the good stuff. Find a good friend to pour out your story. That will eventually help you to unload the burden you carry.
Please allow yourself all the small peaceful comforts you can think of during this terribly painful and difficult time, and allow yourself to realize that no matter what the character of the loss, your pain is shared by others who have been in your position, and understood by many of us.
The progression of your mother’s illness left you with no time to reconcile your feelings, but owing to seriousness of her situation, you were there for her and did what you could to do the undoable and bring reason to the unreasonable.
Many young women in your situation might have “checked out” as your father did. Instead, you “stepped up”.
Take whatever comfort you can from giving her that, from being with her, from making decisions for her even when they were not able to give her or you the result you hoped for, and let your sense of peace continue to fill the broken places, until the anguish of her loss is lightened by your sweetest memories.
Hugs and rainbows and soft music to you. You were there when you were needed, and you did your best.
Your child may also need some sessions with a counsellor to get past the stress he/she is experiencing right now.
My dad was 51 when he died and I had just had my first child - she was 2 weeks old and I was 24. We were supposed to have been at their house for a Labor Day cookout when he died suddenly of a heart attack, but we had stopped briefly at my in-laws' house, which made my mom angry. She and I had a fight on the phone and my family and me went home instead of going to my parents'. Before we got home 30 miles away, he had had a heart attack and died. Guilt? Yep. Valid? Not at all, but it took me years to figure that out. His sudden death left so much unsaid and undone, and his end could not have been peaceful for him. For years, I wished I had been by his side so that I could have "done something". At the very least, I would not have been fighting still with my mother at that moment (although that was a common thread throughout our relationship). Maybe the stress of that fight was the straw on the camel's back?
Years later (35 to be exact), I have to say that it simply is what it is. If I had had a magic ball to look into and see the future, I might have changed how things happened leading up to his death, but alas - no magic. The one thing I now know is that I would not have asked him to suffer another moment for my sake or the sake of my conscience. How did I work through it? The first twelve years after he died, I was drunk or high on the anniversary of his death and I was erratic and temperamental in the weeks between my daughter's birthday and the anniversary of my dad's death. The thirteenth year was a time of reflection in general and as the anniversary approached, I realized I had not dealt with the issues surrounding his death at all. I made a difficult decision to face that day stone cold sober and straight. It was as though it had just happened. The grief was fresh and real. My wise husband made a decision that we were all going to get out of the house and go do something that my dad would have liked to do, so we went hiking together. That was the best thing we could have done and ever since, when I get down about my dad, I spend some physical energy and I do something he would love seeing me do.
I share my story because I think it's hard when a parent dies young, no matter the circumstances. You seem to be disturbed by seeing your mom die. I was disturbed by not being there when my dad died. I imagine a large part of your struggle right now is the fact that she passed away so suddenly and at a fairly young age - certainly before you were ready to say your goodbye to her. It makes us realize how frail life can be and how little control we actually have.
I think if I were to walk this road again, I would certainly get counseling. Regardless, I would not waste the years tangled up in my own mind and medicating with drugs and alcohol. I would walk through the pain and experience it and then look for ways to draw out the impact my dad had in my life, for ways he influenced me. I would not grieve for him even now if he had not had such a huge role in my life and for that, I am deeply grateful. It took a lot to get here though.
Your feelings are really truly okay, but you already recognize that you don't want to stay in this place and you don't want your child to get hung up either. Don't avoid the pain, but don't camp out there. A good counselor will help you know when and how to move along and be healthy.
Even though it was so hard for you, I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that she did not go alone. This sounds like it was much better for her than a long, drawn-out, much suffering death. You were there for her. I hope I can be there when my mother goes. I feel very strong about people not dying alone. You gave that gift to your mother. Now give yourself the gift of knowing you did right by her.
Watching someone die is incredibly painful unless you know, in your heart that they need to go, in order to end their suffering. I was 31 when I assumed the same responsibility for my mother and promised myself that I would never focus on her death or the incredible suffering. Nope, I decided to remember her birthday, Mother's Day and all the days we had together. In the end, we must make choices for ourselves too: I have met with several lawyers over the years and have signed off on the paperwork that lets me decide how and when. I have planned my own cremation and will be investigating the "Death with Dignity" law they have here. No one else needs to be responsible for me and that makes me feel successful.
Please message me if you need someone to talk to, it is a lonely thing to go through. I lost so many friends because it just wasn't cool to go through something like that. Noone could relate. I can. Hugs ().
Third, you did everything right at the time, and you will be more grateful as time goes on that it worked this way. Your feelings now may well be as intense as those of parents who have to make a decision to turn off life support on a child, but that’s not really the way it was. You saved your mother from a slower painful death. You saved your father from more suffering that might have been more likely to tip the balance on his own mental and physical health if it had continued. You saved your little children from living with a household turned on its head for weeks or months. You took the burden on yourself, and proved that you are strong enough to bear it.
Be kind to yourself, be proud of yourself, and do your best to live through this very very difficult time. Love, Margaret
Liz
Hugs and love sent,
Llamalover47
I know what you're feeling, I posted something very similar. I've been traumatized since witnessing my grandma pass in hospice. It wasn't as peaceful as they (doctors, social workers and others) made it sound. Since the day hospice was decided I checked out mentally but still had to make decisions. I was there peeking at my grandma from my room all night, when she was in pain I'd run and give her morphine, whisper in hers ear how much I loved her and that I was sorry, squeeze her hands- kiss them and run back to my room. I was angry at my mom for not taking charge. During the time my grandmas was alive I was with her but in her dying days once family started coming I didn't want to be part of it. I hid and cried.
I can only imagine the stress and grief you're going through, I was lucky some family members took charge of the funeral, burial, flowers, etc. Knowing myself I'd have a mental breakdown.
At the end of all you were there and your mom knows it, you were her comfort even in the hardest moment. I am still crying my eyes out, distracting myself at work, watching movies, answering questions and while doing all this still I cry. It's hard and all so fresh. So like me, I guess time will alleviate our pain and those horrible visuals of our loved ones leaving us.
I am sorry, so sorry.