There has always been verbal abuse in my marriage. It began early on and I didn't deal with it then. It was a new relationship and I didn't want to ruin it. I didn't know why my girlfriend and later my wife was speaking so harshly to me. Was I really that bad?
It took me years of deep introspection and lots of research on my own to figure out what was going on. This problem had a name. I just had to know what it was called. Verbal abuse is like a wicked evil shape shifting monster. It has hurt so much that I can't hardly even cry about it. Over the years I had coworkers who could tell things weren't right. Sometimes I confided in my supervisors so they would know why I was always so sad and hurt.
Now I'm the caregiver and still the recipient of the abuse. I thought this would be the place to start with caregiving because it affects me nearly every day. Then I'll start on the other things concerning being a caregiver.
If she expects you to spend the rest of your life caring for her and her RA, along with her mother who's bedridden which is a HUGE undertaking in and of itself, then the least she can do is STOP the abuse immediately. Otherwise, you can choose to end this marriage or at least move to a nice hotel for a few weeks to relax and let your wife see and FEEL what it's like not to have you at her beck and call 24/7.
It's time to put your foot down today and say ENOUGH. You don't deserve to be bullied for one more minute. I don't give a flying fig WHAT the 'name' of this verbal abuse is...........it's wrong on all levels. A wife's job is to love her husband and to treat him like a partner and like a best friend. If she can't or won't do that, then she needs counseling, medication and/or a good psychiatrist unless she'd like to be served with divorce papers. You have your OWN retirement years ahead of you. What do you want your future to look like?
You have rights as a husband, as a caregiver and as a human being. Please realize that and stop being hurt and sad and start getting ANGRY now.
So now you have a decision. MIL needs to be in a Skilled Nursing facility. You should not give up what u like to care for her and wife can't. You need a sit down with wife and lay ur cards on the table. Mom goes into a home and wife stops talking to you like you don't have a brain in your head. You have put up with the abuse long enough. If she wants you to care for her, then she needs to start respecting you. She must have some good traits or u wouldn't be married to her this long. And tell her the option is you separate. That you can't see doing this for10 more years.
If she gets mad, let her. Tell her she needs to consider choices because this situation can only get worse.
Have you ever challenged this incredibly bad, cruel habit of hers? - because it is habitual, and it sounds as if she needs to hear herself. She may herself be unaware of her own verbal strength.
What about her mother, how does her mother generally address those closest to her?
I gather that you are in this for the long haul since you don’t mention wanting to leave. I would seek out a therapist to learn coping skills or to discuss your concerns should you desire to leave at a future date.
What do you think she would do if you said to her that her behavior was unacceptable?
She certainly has mental and physical health issues. I am going to guess that your wife isn’t interested in seeing a therapist for her outlook on life. I will bet that she blames everyone else for her problems. I am quite sure that she believes that nothing is ever her fault.
I can’t imagine being a person who is carrying the heavy burden of always having to be right. I suppose people like this, have a serious need to have their ego stroked. Bullies are some of the most insecure people.
Bullies will never show common courtesy to others. Of course, you deserve more than the minimum, you deserve the maximum amount of respect and love. You are her husband!
Wishing you peace during this difficult period in your life.