Helping him keep the house and property taken care of was not as stressful and draining at first, as he was in better shape physically and mentally. He was also more independent, nice and caring as a friend. Since his wife died, he seems to not know how to cook anything other than frying eggs, making stove top stuffing or eating soup cold right out of the can (rather than heating it on the stove in a saucepan). I would make lunch or dinner, as he made himself breakfast.
Fast forward to early 2022. His physical shape has declined to where his knees are really making it hard to walk without a cane and difficult to climb stairs without being on his hands and knees. He had been putting off getting his knees replaced for so many years. Started to also notice that his personal hygiene, which was not very good in the first place, has become worse. He kept taking 4 cans of beer to bed every night (which I read can be deadly, as he takes sleeping pills). He claims the beer helps him sleep. It was clear he was dependent on alcohol.
His condition got worse over the next few months and he became even less active and when he went to his surgeon for knee replacement, he was advised that he needed to get up and walk more to strengthen his legs for a better outcome after surgery. He didn't, and despite my encouraging efforts, he made every excuse he could think of and not put in much effort. He continued to decline and his huffing gait got worse. In November 2022 he tripped outside on the walkway and fell, breaking his hip. He was advised to do PT in a rehab for 3 weeks, which he stubbornly declined.
2 weeks later he is back home, in a hospital bed he rented so he could recover at home. Home healthcare came out 2-3 times per week to have him do PT. He was advised to do PT 4 times per day, every day. Again, little effort and less than he was supposed to do. He would make up fibs to convince me and family and friends that he did exactly as he was told. He would sit on his bed and sulk most of the day or sleep, instead of PT. I had already stepped up and made 3 meals per day and helped him by doing errand for groceries and such.
I am physically unable to assist him if he ever fell, as he weighs 220lbs and 6' tall. A CNA came out to assist with in the shower. On the walker, he was able go to the toilet himself.
March 2023 he was able to get his left knee replaced. PT continued, and his hygiene and mental condition declined. He would not let me help him so there were times I had to remind him if he forgot take care of himself. I'm getting more stressed and drained for I was now working 7 days a week to assist him with his daily needs. There are a lot Left times where I had to remind him that he needed to change his clothes or shower because I could smell his body odor.
As I mentioned earlier I am unable to physically lift him so toilet assistance or bathing is out of the question. On top of that he has promised me that he would make sure I would never have to do that because he can, "take care of himself."
Ever since, it has been a steady decline of his physical and mental condition. I finally convinced him to let me go to his doctor's with him late September. We went to his appointment. The doctor told him right in front of me that he needs to walk more and exercise his brain with games and puzzles, which I offered to buy for him to help. He insisted that he walks enough (he's sitting or lying down more than walking). He doesn't want to do any puzzles, as he claims that he hates them and uses his brain enough with his business. I continue working for him. I cook and clean every day. I make him enough food for left overs that he can easily heat up in the microwave.
It is you who has to change, he will not.
Exactly. You have given a most generous gift indeed. You can be proud of that.
But due to circumstances beyond your control, your friend is declining. Physically & mentally. His care needs have become more than a home environment with one caregiver can provide.
Therefore your NEXT GIFT can be to be his FRIEND as he transistions to the next level of care.
Your own transition may be from being his caregiver to being his friend again. You may inform him, his Doctor &/or next of kin of this plan.
Wishing you the very best going forward.
“Everybody that knows him very well has been telling me that he’s not going to get better, it's only going to get worse”. They’re right.
You probably join the many many people who regret the choices they made in the past. This is time to consider your own future, and make the best use you can of the rest of YOUR life.
Is he at least paying you?
Are you (or anyone) his PoA? If not, no one has any power in this situation because you can't force someone to act in their own best interests without the legal authority to do so.
Therefore, you will need to move out and call APS to report him as a vulnerable senior. Truly, this is the only solution to get him the help he *needs*, not the help he *wants*. He obviously doesn't care if he burns you out or you get injured or sick in the process of helping him. Your continued presence gives him the false sense of living independently when in fact you are enabling him by orbiting around him.
I'm so sorry that this is where it has ended for your friendship but if he has untreated depression (as you mentioned in your profile) then you will be pushing a boulder uphill and in the end it will roll back on you. I wish you clarity and wisdom and peace in your heart as you ponder the solution for your situation.
Move out, then he will be forced to figure it out. You’re not responsible for his lack of desire to become more active, nor can you force him to.
Is he on any meds for his depression? It sounds like his depression and discomfort are crippling him.
PT not only strengthens muscles but it helps with mobility and reduces pain.
Hopefully, when he gets tired of being sick and tired he will reach out for help.
Give him the phone number for Council on Aging in his area. They can help guide him through all of this.
Wishing you all the best.
I need to add that mid summer this year, we have moved his bedroom downstairs to where mine used to be, to prevent a fall down the stairwell. Plus no more beer to bed (as that was causing more issues health wise!) And even better for him, his bedroom is right next to the bathroom. But still. He doesn't want to do anything for himself and I can't breathe unless I hide in my room to calm my depression. Even his family into his brother told me he has been stubborn his whole life so everybody that knows him very well has been telling me that hes. Not going to get better it's only going to get. Worse? And that I need to do what's best for myself?. As long as he is still able to make decisions for himself there is nothing more I can do for him. I've given him 6 years of my life and I am burnt out.
FYI irrational "stubbornness" is one of the earliest symptoms of dementia (even if his family described him as stubborn in his early years). Yes, it will only get worse and there's no cure for it. Please move out and move on. You tried your best.
You have chosen now to live in with this "friend"? I hope that this is your partner, because otherwise this is another choice in this screnario I cannot understand.
You have described someone in mental and physical decline. You have described yourself as being unable to help him. So I cannot see that this is even a question. It is a matter of honesty and discussion. You need to tell him that you cannot fulfill his needs at this time, and you need to help him work on placement where he can be assisted.
I wish you the very best. So sorry you are both going through this. With that much overweight I am certain you are also dealing now with diabetic problems, and this is the beginning of a slow slide down. I don't think you are in any position to be the flotation device for him. So just be honest with him. I hope he has other family. This is the time for him to place one as his POA so that he has support when needed in future. I don't think that person should be you. He may eventually need guardianship of the state if he cannot make these decisions while he's able to.