I'm sinking in depression and anxiety while taking care of my parents! What type of therapist can help?

I think Jamesj gave you THE right answer. Stop trying to save the world & start trying saving yourself here, my friend. Get your parents placed & their house sold to finance their stay in AL.

If you've been to a psychiatrist for 30 years and nothing has changed, what makes you think a different type of talk therapist can fix what's broken or prescribe a pill that will? It's like I tell my mother's doctor; ain't no pill on earth gonna fix 94 years of a negative attitude on her part. And no talk therapist to help you until you decide to change your life by reducing your stress levels.

Wishing you the best of luck changing your life.

I read once here n will repeat it. DO NOT LET DEMENTED MINDS MAKE THE DECISIONS!

Until you come to the conclusion that you can't save everyone, there isn't a drug, a therapist or a song to sing that will save you.  My words are from experience.  At some point you have to say no.  At some point you have to say I can't do this.  At some point you have to say let me get you to someone who can help you.  That is the strongest most helpful thing you can do for your parents and half brother.  Help your parents sell the house and move into a LTC facility.  They can no longer manage their lives and neither can you.  The half brother may need to go to a group home if he truly has the mentality of a child.  You are only one person.  Make suggestions and take a step back.

My stress was cut in half once I placed mom.  Still plenty to do and vex about, but not near as much.

I posted earlier but I want to say that I truly admire your attitude for desiring to seek help. So many people have the wrong impression of therapy. They say things like. “What can a therapist actually do for me? They can’t change my circumstances.”

Of course, a therapist can’t change the circumstances. They aren’t miracle workers. They do assist us in learning to know ourselves better. We aren’t always able to see ourselves as others see us.

Many people that are in a state of confusion won’t or can’t admit that they are lost, or have misguided ideas or are simply stuck in a rut! It helps enormously to gain an objective viewpoint on our situation.

We have to be open to considering alternative options as a solution. Change can be frightening to us. Transitional times are always unnerving in the beginning. Taking the first step is always the hardest step to take. Later though, we often look back and wonder why didn’t we take it sooner? Sometimes it takes completely stepping away from the mayhem to see just how irrational it truly is to continue in the same pattern of behavior.

Best wishes to you.

Do you have a family doctor? Contact them and ask for a referral and suggestions for extra assistance. Mom's GP has a staff social worker for that kind of assistance.

Do you have medical insurance? Check to see if they have a resource for therapists, many also have a help line to call for help and advice. Most offer mental health services via a phone call.

Check to see if any local religious or service organizations have resources that can help. Catholic Family Services was a huge help to me and we are not catholic. Did your dad belong to any group that you can reach out to? Masons, Lion's Club, Rotary, etc.

Was your dad in a military? The VA may be able to help.

Its very hard to ask for help and admit that you can’t do it all yourself. My parents were embarrassed for anyone in their small town to know "their business" and let outsiders know they couldn’t cope by themselves.

I looked at the senior care facility near me and I am talking to a social worker who is a certified therapist, she specializes in caregivers In my area. I found a lot of information in Senior Blue book, you usually can find at doctor's office, library or on line, put in your zip code and it will pull up on line. Also talk to your Primary Care Dr. They may help you find help for yourself and direct you to a social worker that can help you with your parents. ( You can still do alot of visits online or over the phone)
You are important, and your parents need more help than you your self can do.

One thing even though I continue to spend a lot of time making appts, or other things for my parents now that they are in a home. I am starting to see that they have care, food, a safe place and it will not be perfect but it is good enough, because living in there home then mine was good not perfect.

You are important, your parents have lived a good life and I hope you can find help for yourself and for them.

You MUST change the situation very soon. Retain an advocate and do it very soon.

laugh sing clap your hands every day after eachj ritchual is done this sounds stu pid but it worked for me.

CJLC1234: It is NOT advisable for you to be the operator of a motor vehicle in your condition, e.g. "shaking" behind the wheel could likely cause serious damage to you or someone else. It is IMPERATIVE that you seek respite through any means possible.

Do you have POA? If so for your well being and theirs get them in a facility that will let them stay together. It certainly will be a hard thing to do, but not doing so can be much worse.
It does seem you need help yourself. I'm told everyday that if I don't take care of myself that I will not be able to take care of my husband.
First you help yourself, then others. Why is it your obligation to take care of your parents and not your sister's? You may just have to put your foot down and tell her you refuse to be totally in charge. Let her know which days you plan to check in on them and tell her it is her responsibility the other days.
Wishing you the best ! Don't put off getting help for all of you. God Bless

You’re overwhelmed and it’s time to bite the bullet and place them both.
If you can’t get 24/7 care, then the facility is the only option.
My mother had a fit and called probate. The judge and HER attorney sided with me as they saw her on oxygen in a wheelchair, didn’t know what day it was.
It was a palace and she ended up tolerating it. (Narcissist won’t admit they like anything you do for them)
Once they’re settled you can turn back into a daughter, and visit when YOU want to.
You did plenty so no guilting yourself.
Two is a lot, for one family member.
Be proud of the care you did give as it was, the purest form of giving.
#SaveYourself

Every time you think you have it bad someone has it worse. My heart goes out to you and I hope some idea on here or someone can help you close to you. I am an only child and what you are doing is just like being an only child where everything depends on you. My pleasures are no longer my pleasures and actually just being alone after I'm done caring for my mom is my pleasure. It's the hardest thing in the world to do and you have it triple.. I would recommend changing psychiatrist... If the person you are talking to is not helping any more that is just wasting time. If you have a friend, any family member or group close to you that you can lean on for support I would recommend tapping into them. Support is key and having someone to talk to or give you a break is crucial to mental and physical stability. You are only one person and no one person can do that much themselves... See if you can get some meds to slow down the dementia process in your dad... However, it sounds like they and you need someone in house to care for them... Everything you say about not knowing what your walking into and having anxiety is all to familiar. You try and do everything you can and there's always something else that comes up from care to finances, making sure the house is in order... And the worst part is it's hard to find good help!! I've already ranted on this too much but please take time out of your day to relax, try yoga, do anything like that to rest your mind if only for a hour or 2 before you go to bed or in the morning when you wake up. Take a walk in the morning or sometime during the day or evening to reset and clear your mind... Start with that and then find someone to talk to be it a group or find a friend or people in your area close by going through the same things... You never know what resources you have around you and who's going through the same or similar things you are. You are not alone in this fight and there is support for you. I hope whether it's here or wherever you reach out you truly find some mental peace.. As I've been told several times over your no good to anyone else if you are sick and not taking care of yourself. Start with yourself first... Then find a psychiatrist or a friend to talk to.. It's a heavy responsibility to go through everything by yourself. Just focus on you and your dad and step mom... Your sister or anyone else who is not helpful should not be a concern. I hope you find some way to lighten your stress and find a way to juggle everything and find a little piece of peace each day. Stay strong and keep going... But always remember if you need a day of peace turn the phone off stay to yourself for a day and reset if things get too much for you to handle. It might help you more than you think...

Driving one hour each way every day!!!!!????? That is not right. I can’t imagine the dread you feel. Your mental health is number one priority right now. No one can fill another's cup if their cup is empty.
sorry your siblings are of no help so basically you’ve taken this all on as though you’re not allowed to have boundaries. Well guess what …you are!
40% of care givers die before the care receiver. If you don’t have POA, then yes you need to get with an elder care attorney and go through the process of guardianship in order to get them in a facility. Find a good social working through area wide agency on aging and get their advice. What would happen if you died? Who would handle all you do? You Must turn this around.

I am not sure if YOU need a therapist. What you do need is to get a backbone and lay the law down to your parents. What you are feeling and dealing with is horrendous and it should not be tolerated for any reason. It is slowly killing you and robbing of your right to live a peaceful life. I think with her behavior and both their needs, caretakers won't stay. I would consider moving them into a facility at once where they are cared for. If they refuse, speak with Social Services in your area (a hospital can help) and look for an eldercare attorney to possibly obtain guardianship. However, you CANNOT CONTINUE THIS and you must consider placing them.

I feel your pain. As stated by others, you need to put yourself first right now and that probably includes placing at least your Mom if not both parents in a memory care facility. They may not want to go but neither is able to use good judgement and you are the one who needs to make that decision for them and for your benefit. Since your family is not willing to or able to help, you must do what is best for your parents and yourself because if something happens to you, you have a mental breakdown or a physical event, who will care for your parents? Often times, loved ones do much better in a memory care facility that at home. They take baths and do what the caregivers ask them to do. They make friends with other residents, they get fed well and improve. Please don't allow the guilt to prevent you from doing the hard and right thing. Support groups are good. Your local office on aging may be able to help you find one or a therapist who can work with you. Psychology today on line can help you find a therapist as well. And, there are lists of geriatric care managers on line who might be able to help organize things for you...if your parents have the funds available to pay for these things.

I think you know what you need to do and I hope you have found the support you need from this site to help you make that decision and take those necessary steps. Sending caring thoughts and hugs to you.

I understand as I was in a very similar situation 2 years ago. When I finally realized that my 89 year old mom could no longer safely care for my 92 year old father with dementia, I placed my dad in memory care even though my mom fought me every step of the way and was very angry with me for a few months.

Looking back, I realize I should have moved him earlier. My mother was so physically run down, she couldn’t even leave the house to visit him for 2 weeks. Of course, she still insisted that she could care for him.

While Dad was in MC, he often asked me when he could go home but I came to understand that he was usually referring to his boyhood home, not the home he shared with my mom for 65 years. He was content at the MC facility, sometimes even happy.

My mom and I have developed a better relationship now even though she also had to leave her home after a series of falls.

You have some really great advice in this forum. I’m so glad you found it!

Prayers, hugs, and best wishes for you!

I understand what you are going through. You cannot keep this up. Your mind and body are telling you to stop. Eventually, your mind and body will essentially “collapse.” I ended up in the ER. Counseling and therapy will help, but it also requires mental energy and physical energy to get there. You need a break from all of the caregiving and time to make a new plan of care for your parent. Trust me, you have to take care of your own mind and body.

I realy doubt a Psychiatrist will help much,, putting you on more pills will not make your problems go away..

if you have no one else to talk to,, then it might help you time have a Therapist lend an ear..

seems to me #1 to help with the anxiety, have a few Cameras installed in the house so you can check on them any time 24 7 wuth your Cell or computer.

I have a 97 yr old Dad with Dementia and he needs 24 7 Care.

I had my son install Nest Cameras which are easy to install.

He had money saved up so I let my siblings know that Dad wanted to stay in his own home and not go to a Nursing Home so there wouldn't be an inheritance, all Dad's money was going to hiring 24 7 Caregivers and that's what I did.

I also decided to start ordering his groceries on line and have them delivered so much time saving and backsaving then to go do the shopping myself and lug the bags in and out of my car.

The Cameras give my mind ease since I can tune in to see how he's doing and make sure the Caregivers are treating him OK.

I have him on Home Health Care that his Insurance pays for and they send a Nurse out to check on him and check his vital signs as needed from once a week to once a month.

Also an Aide will come 2-3 times a week to give a shower/bath or in his case, they give him a bed bath since he can no longer get in the tub or shower.

They will also send out Therapist a couple times a week.

If your Dad is a Miltary man, he can call the VA and get signed up for some Caregiver help up to 30 hrs a week. Depending on how bad his condition is.

If your parents have the money then set up the Insurance Paid Home Health and have your parents pay for a Caregiver coming in a few hours every day or a couple hrs in the morning and a couple in the afternoon.

It's always best to be able to stay in your own home as long as you can.

With the Caregiver help and the camera, it's a lot better and I go see my Dad once or twice a week and bring him a shake, give him a foot massage and once a month give him a manicure and pedi.

We enjoy our visits but of course with Dementia, he forgets I was there almost as soon as I leave. But, I know he was happy while I was there and that's what counts.

Nusing Homes are not fun and always understaffed and if the patient gives any trouble whatsoever, they are given meds and telling you it's to kerp them calm or they are depressed, ect ect and they end up like a Zombie.

Prayers

For you my personal experience would suggest you try a medically qualified hypnotherapist - not one who does entertainment acts. Your current psych is not being any help. You need to be able to see that things can be better and you have a right to life without anxiety and depression. Get to a better place and they decide on how you want to go forward.

I would also talk to an elder lawyer about guardianship or (in UK) Court of Protection intervention. And how you can get control to have your parents moved to a facility or the State being able to do so.

You can't continue doing this any longer.
I know that feeling of - this is all there is for the rest of my life and then I will die. If someone talked to me about the future, going on a trip etc... I was just confused, did they not know my life was over? .. and it hasn't been even remotely as bad as it is for me as it has been for you.

It is really hard to find your way out of this when you feel like you do but you must try. Find a professional to help you organise their care, Speak to their doctor and find help getting POA. They need to be in a care home, No therapist can make this somehow bearable to you when it is clearly not. Fix their living arrangement and then find a new therapist to focus on self-care for yourself.
I am so sorry you are going through this but please fight for your own life.

CJLC1234,

Oh my gosh, I read this and I am reminded of the mayhem that I had in my life. Your situation is tough. I am not diminishing your pain whatsoever, but let me say that I took it to a new level and I admit that as good as my intentions were, I didn’t make the best decisions.

I did the same as you, back and forth to my parents home. I was the primary caregiver for them. Daddy died. I then continued going back to care for mom. Then Katrina hit. Mom lost her home and moved in with me. I wish I had realized how much that it would impact my life having my mom live in our home. It was fine in the beginning, but as a parent’s needs change, the demands grow. It’s hard, and is indeed very depressing!

I also cared for my brother who had hepC. I had to stop caring for him because I was stretching myself too thinly already with caring for my mom, and being a wife and mother. He died in a hospice house.

I have more than one suicide in my family. My niece, nephew and three cousins have committed suicide. I feel your pain, it is devastating! I am so sorry for your loss of your dad and brother.

I came to this forum because a social worker suggested it for me. It has been a great comfort for me. I also did therapy and an in person support group. All were helpful. It’s work. It’s about developing a healthy attitude and desiring positive changes in our life. It’s about truly looking at our behavior. It’s about listening to others viewpoints.

Life can be more than just surviving. It took me a long time to figure that out. My energy was completely depleted. My stress level became so bad that my blood pressure rose so high that my doctor sent me for heart tests. I can’t tell you how many times my doctor was upset with me for not eating. I physically couldn’t eat. I had no appetite! Some people eat more when stressed. Others like me, cannot eat if they stressed out. I hated when people asked me if I was sick because I am so thin. If I forced myself to eat, I would throw up, so what was the point of eating?

I had mom for 15 years. My brother and sister in law took her in for about a year and a half. Mom spent the last month of her life in a hospice house where she died peacefully. She died in April at age 95. She was sorry that it was a hardship for us.

I loved her dearly but sometimes facility care is best all around. I wish that I hadn’t felt that I would have been ‘less than’ by allowing others to do the ‘hands on’ care. I can see now how I actually set my mom up for her dependence upon me. Hindsight is 20/20! Please learn from others who made awful mistakes and wish that we hadn’t.

Wishing you peace as you navigate your way through this difficult time in your life. Take care.

I do not think you need another therapist. You need to get your parents in a NH ASAP. I hope you have POA on both of your parents. If you do not get it now before they are deemed incapacitated. If do have it then meet with a lawyer about moving your parents in a NH now. The sooner you do it you can start to get your life back.

"He's been a good soldier on the staying in place campaign".

Countrymouses's excellent description got me thinking...

CJLC you have been an excellent soldier too. But like in any battle, the front can move, troops have to be withdrawn & redeployed elsewhere. With good communication, messages get through to change course in time.

I feel like depression & anxiety are the messengers here. Depression to pause, stop. Anxiety to warn of danger. The danger to your health is real.

Therapy may be a great help but right now, boots on the ground help is needed.

Could a phone call to your Sister help? Tell her plain "it's time for a new plan. Can you help me with it?"

For your own sake, look for a memory care. First get a POWER OF ATTORNEY, then start making all desicions because at some point, they are not going to be mentally fit.

Good suggestions here about the care of your parents. One thing about that though: your profile says you're in North Port; are your parents closer to Tampa or Fort Meyers? Idk how metropolitan Fort Meyers is, but Tampa may have elder services. I live in Houston (TX), and our hospice social worker turned me on to the city's 211 help line. I registered Mom for evac if we have a natural disaster and mandatory evac (hurricane). But the lady told me there were many more services/assistance/help provided for the elderly and to just call if I needed any of them. See if there is something similar in your parents' area and then call them and tell them you need to talk to a social worker about yourself as caregiver (I need help and support!) and about your parents' situation.

Now, regarding your wellbeing:
I fight anxiety and depression every day now that Mom moved in with us. It's so stressful on all levels. I sought a psychiatrist that I talk to 1x month and she prescribes meds. Imo, you need a different psychiatrist. Top priority is that you find one who will do more than just scribe meds and pawn you off on a psychologist. Your life will be easier dealing with one dr for your mental health.

Next, remember and repeat to yourself daily - one small bite, one small step. For now, stop looking at the big picture - it's too overwhelming. Compartmentalize and take it in pieces. Also, make little changes in your routine to make your life beautiful because life IS beautiful, and we can glimpse that when we choose to come up for air. Right now you are drowning. Pause and come up for air. No one is going to die or fall apart if you take a moment here and there for yourself. You have to believe this and make yourself stop to take these moments for yourself. I love driving, and I make my drive time enjoyable in different ways - listening to my favorite music, sometimes blaring it to drown out my thoughts. Sometimes it's Christian music, sometimes it's rock, sometimes it's Enya or throwback to my teen years. Whatever it is, it helps me get on touch with ME. What do you enjoy? The scenic route? goings to a park, petting puppies, watching a movie, meetinga friend for a good cup of coffee? Fill your moments when you're not AT mom and dad's with the little things that please you. The point is quality over quantity. Start small and build these moments into your daily routine.

As far as the scheduling and demand on your time, it won't stop altogether, even if you move them to memory care. So, get a separate calendar book that works for you but is just for your parents. Don't mix your personal things and doings with theirs. On your calendar, just put M&D so you know to check their book.
If appts aren't convenient for YOU, then tell the people/Homehealth/drs/etc. what is convenient for you with a simple "that doesn't work, but this day and time works." Don't let others schedule your life, esp Mom and Dad; there's no control for you.

idk your parents' financial situ or your relationship with your sister. If finances are good and sustainable, then hire private aides to supplement what care insurance provides and, most importantly, to take some of the yoke off of you. Mom & Dad pay for this - not you!
If your relationship with Sis is good to fair, then go see her and sit down with her and say I know you set boundaries and I need your help setting some myself and your help filling out this paperwork (whatever is needed) at this time to get your parents situated. If she won't help you do that, then dust your sandals as you leave her house and look for a social worker to help you. Ask your psychiatrist for info about a social worker and leads on services. My psychiatrist is more than willing to point me to any help that will help me short term and long term.

(Will continue)

It would be worse if she were not willing/able to use the depends I imagine....I can relate to your circumstance as I am the only kin in this town and in fact lived with before and after the onset of my mother's dementia. My father is well functioning but his demands and expectations and his cluelessness have made it all the more challenging. Yesterday he was attempting to follow up, which he could have without involving me at all, to a suggestion from my out of state sibling who does NOTHING but call 2x a week and BS that she loves him....for which he is a sucker. This had to do with his switching cell phone service providers because he doesn't know what he's doing, claims he is doing nothing but constantly goes over his limits on data usage or bytes. With all on my plate my attitude is let him go over and pay the extra $10, but she suggested a less reputatable company and when I yelled (he is deaf) to do whatever he wanted just leave me OUT OF IT, he whined that I don't help him with his problems....never mind that I wind up having to sacrifice MY work related time benefits (sick time, vacation etc) to make up the time I spend dealing with HIS issues and appts. You might want to prior to checking out a psychiatrist, connect with a geriatric specialist, perhaps a neurologist (often related to psychiatry) specializing in dementia who might be able to refer you to someone. I too woke up one day earlier this year and felt in need of some help, and began to connect with people in the field for referrals only to have them all turn me down or be unavailable. Some were people I'd seen long ago. BS excuses about cutting back on hours, limiting their scope of practice, going toward retirement. One jerk gave me the name of someone he hadn't even known had moved across the country! Another had a horrible office management system in place so that my call was not only returned, neither was an online link to email him. Clearly not the response one wants if one is in a crisis point. In the end I decided I was better off talking to my friends and family I was close to. But then I have moments where I go back to wanting to look for someone and don't want to burn out friends or family. Just no easy answers. But know we are not alone. You have been through much trauma and loss and clearly you, like me, take your sense of responsibility seriously. All of this can have an impact on our own health. Sometimes I don't mind the caregiving and in fact think of it as payback for what they have done in supporting me all these years...but I am not going to die for them, especially since I have a little canine who has always been there for me and needs me. Last fall as some who read here know, I had a day I didn't feel good, and long story shorter, wound up calling the rescue squad and was taken by helicopter to the Cleveland clinic where I had emergency surgery for a dissected aorta which is usually fatal. It could have been caused in part by high BP. So our mental health can play a role on our physical health and well being so we are wise to recognize our needs and try to do something about it. Take good care....someone who gets it....

You need help for yourself now. Since your anxiety is so severe, please find a psychiatrist or self-admit to an inpatient psych unit. You need time to rest, to perform self-care, and probably to start medications or adjust your current medications. Let your stepmom know that you are having severe anxiety and that it is making it too hard for you right now. Let her help you.

As for your parents, it seems they may have reached the point where they both need to reside in a memory care unit. Talk to your stepmom and siblings about this. Ask if any of them will help. If not, call adult protective services or the police and ask them to help your parents with placement. You can visit them regularly once you have met your own health needs.

OK, everyone here is giving you all the things you need to do to help your situation but what they are not understanding that you are in no condition to do all the things. I get that because I'm in the same place. I know what I should be doing, I just can't always get the energy - mental or physical - to get them done, which then makes the spiral just go on and on because it has no forseeable end. It's called depression and takes many forms. You say your psychiatrist of 30 years isn't hearing you any more so tell him/her that and ask if there is a psychologist that can provide you some additional therapy. Ofter the psychologist will help with more concrete, behavioral steps to help you make plans, get things, done and see where you are catastrophizing things unnecessarily. Psychiatrists often look for medical solutions and more understanding of "why". They fulfill different roles and I think you need both right now. Dealing with aging parents is a tough task no matter what but dealing with it through your depression and anxiety is impossible. You have lots of good suggestions here for what you need to do. Now go find a compatible psychologist or social worker to help you get yourself in a position to get these things done.

If you won't make the necessary changes for your own sake, will you do it for your Dad?

He's been a good soldier on the staying in place campaign. Now he's breaking down and the strain is going to kill him. So scrub Plan A, forget it, and visualise a Plan B where they are together in the right choice of facility, with no burdens to bear and no responsibilities and no more fighting to stay put. Just the right level of support for their needs and each other's company, and a child who isn't approaching a state of trauma when s/he (?) comes to visit them regularly.

Forget happiness, forget waiting for everyone to die and paradise in the next life - there are people who can help you make something better happen soon, step by step. Interested? You can do therapy later.

I should add...with a diagnosis of dementia they no longer get to say Yes or No to where they reside for their own safety.
If you do not have POA you need to seek Guardianship. Or talk to an Elder Care Attorney and say that you are not able to care for them and that they need a Guardian and the Court will appoint one and their care will be managed by someone else. The draw back to this is you will have no say in where they are placed nor will you have a say in their medical care.