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As some know as I've posted before my mom has been on a roller coaster of health issues this year. We are now towards the end of it as hospice has been called in and mom has declined significantly over the past month.For the past week she has been bedbound on oxygen and given morphine. She doesn't open her eyes anymore but will still eat when the aides feed her. She doesn't speak to me but I know she knows when I am there and can hear me. I've said how much I love her, thanked her for being a good mom, and told her I will be ok (eventually). I've told her that all our relatives who have passed are waiting for her and that it is ok to go. It's tearing me apart to see her so defeated and frail....I am praying for God to take her but it has been 7 days now. I'm exhausted. I know there is no telling when people will pass, her hospice nurse does not think it will be long....but 7+ days to me is excruciating. Sorry there isn't much of a question here just more of a cathartic prattle.

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Thank you all for your comments. As always it makes me feel not so alone.

Mom is currently in memory care in her assisted living as they can give her lots of care there. I have two little ones at home so after her bowel surgery I knew couldn't take care of her well enough. The Assisted living and hospice are a God send its mostly the emotional exhaustion I am feeling. One of the worst parts of the past 2 weeks has been going to MC - since you have to be buzzed up (and make small talk to the receptionist) then go up, get updates as to how she is doing, see her unchanged from the day before, cry alot, tell her you love her (for potentially the last time), get buzzed down in the elevator (make small talk to the aides or nurses while you wait), then go in your car and cry my eyes out - rinse and repeat.

I know alot have had so much worse so I feel it's so lame of me to be whining about this but it's just exhausting, and since I'm the only child and my Dad has passed already its just extra heavy.
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MountainMoose Oct 2023
Please know you're among friends who have been in your shoes. You are not whining! As you wrote, this is an exhausting process. It's traumatic.

We're here for you to vent, scream, or shake your fist at the moon.

*big hug*
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There are signs that you can look for
Mottling of the feet, hands legs...
A change in breathing.
As difficult as it is to hear the change in breathing is not painful.
What happens is there is a build up of secretions and because the person usually does not swallow there is a "gurgling" sound. Kinda like a gargle with a thick liquid.

Check YouTube and look for Hospice Nurse Julie.
She gives a lot of good information.
((hugs))
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MAYDAY Oct 2023
I didn’t know that when my mom went through that. I felt so helpless, and it was really horrific to witness..
the hospice nurse was not my normal nurse and I just was not prepared for that….
Thank you fir the explanation.. I truly didn’t know..
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<((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
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Only feed her if she says she is hungry and she asks for food. Digestion stops when the body prepares to die and that food is just going to sit there and possibly be painful for her. I get completely that the family gets anxiety by not feeding the dying person, but that is how it works when the body is shutting down.
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My husband’s grandfather went like 17 days in hospice in the hospital. It was like one exhausting and never ending day. DH and his mother are only children so it was on us. We think he was worried about my MIL because my MIL would have some kind of diagnosis if she were born today.

You have my thoughts and prayers.
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I am so sorry. Yes, it is not predictable, and people can actually last a long time on minimal amounts of food and fluid. Your Hospice is best guide in what is happening with your own Mom. Very sorry this is so tough on you, but you have done such a good job.
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My condolences on what your mom and you are going through, Tryingmybest19. I do agree with others who recommend you step away, take a break. Many people do wait to breathe their last when others are with them. It's okay to take care of you.

I recommend watching this video now, "The First Thing To Do When Someone Dies" by Dr. Sarah Kerr, Center for Sacred Deathcare.

I desperately wish I had known of this video before I sat vigil when my mom was unconscious for almost three days before she passed. This video has brought me so much peace.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7mG0ZAym0w
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We come into this world alone and we leave it the same way. It is true that many people wait until they are alone before they go to their peace and reward.

Take a day off or a few hours here and there if you can. Also your mom may be holding on and not passing over to her people on the other side because you are there with her all the time.

Take a little time away. Go for a drive or for a coffee.

God bless you and your mother. Soon she will be beyond all pain and suffering.
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I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am as well, although not up to the hospice stage yet. It is a meat grinder and I'm glad that you shared. We are often stronger than we think we are.
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I can't tell you how many times I have heard on here that someone kept an endless bedside vigil, only to have the loved one pass when they left the room briefly.

Try not to wear yourself thin.
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Southernwaver Oct 2023
That is exactly what happened with DH’s grandfather. He went the second everyone was out of the room. I went home, DH went to get coffee and MIL stepped out to take a walk down the hall.
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There's no reason that you have to keep vigil at her bedside waiting for her to die, as that would be exhausting.
So try best you can to do other things including getting out of the house to do things you enjoy, even if it's just to take a walk to enjoy the beautiful fall weather.
Your mom may not want you to be near when she takes her final breath and that's ok, as everyone should be able to die on their own terms.
The fact that your mom is still eating means she's not quite ready to die yet, so don't rush the process. The Good Lord will take her when it's her time and not before.

My late husband was under hospice care in our home for the last 22 months of his life and when I knew that he was finally in his dying process, hospice told me that he would be dead in 3 days, but it took him 41 days with no food and over 25 days with no water before he finally did die. And yes that too was exhausting, but I did try to keep myself busy and even get out occasionally even if it was just to go to the grocery store.

Praying for God's peace and comfort to be with you in the days, weeks and months ahead.
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This is definitely the place for cathartic prattle. Even the strongest, most stoic person can break down in a situation like this. Take care of yourself as much as you are able. Take any offers for help from friends, family, etc. This is not something to tough out alone.

Wishing peace to both of you.
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