I am so stressed! Help! What do l do?

Oh, dear. You are in a pickle.

Trouble is, your father hasn't given you anything, has he? He's allowed you to stay rent-free in his property; but transferred ownership of absolutely nothing. That means that his care will be paid for using his property. If his cash and assets don't cover his care costs, then yes, that means your home - because it is his property. I'm sorry to be bleak. This is the reality of it.

He has therefore done nothing to provide you, his long-term family care-giver, with any security. Nul points for parenting, there. I don't blame you for being angry. But anger, however justified, will not change anything; and you need to change things.

Do you have paid employment? Do you own - I mean actually own, as in have legal title to - any property of any sort, or have any savings? Do you have any income from any other sources?

I'm a little concerned that this could get worse: strictly speaking, you shouldn't be taking even a bare minimum of your father's money for yourself, or not without his explicit agreement anyway.

You are in a ghastly situation. I hope the forum members will be able to suggest some routes out of it. Could you fill us in, please?

First, my sympathies for the situation you are in, and even more so for the lack of love in your childhood.

As to your specific problem, could you explain a little more? You and three other tenants are living in a small apartment building given to you by your grandmother. Is that correct? Was this in her will, or how did she give this to you? Whose name is on the deed? Why is your father involved in the question of ownership?

I think you are going to need a lawyer of your own. If you can give us more details perhaps someone will have some suggestions of what to pursue.

And as far as I'm concerned you don't have to pretend to like the man.

First, don't pretend anything. There's no law saying you have to visit him and take more abuse. Second, the 4 unit building will be part of the estate. The estate will have to pay the nursing home bills. Assuming there is not enough money to cover the bills, the assets will be sold. You probably will not have to move, but you may have to pay rent to a new landlord. You could have the lawyer sell the building to you at fair market value and have the estate hold the mortgage. The rent from the 3 other apartments might cover you.

Agree - step one, BREATHE. No, really, do that. In through your nose, as deep into the bottom of your chest as you can, then blow steadily and gently out through your mouth. Don't do it so forcefully that you hyperventilate and get dizzy, just slow and steady, proper breathing. Sit up straight, but comfortably. Fold your hands loosely in your lap. Promise yourself that no matter what you will sit quietly for five minutes. Just listen to yourself quietly breathing.

Ok. Hope you're feeling a tiny bit better. This is what I gather from what you've said.

You live in your family's home, with its century of family ownership and your personal history of a pretty miserable time, which is owned exclusively by your father and occupied by yourself and three tenants. What kind of property is it?

Your father is currently in rehab: is he likely to be able to return home, or are you considering a permanent move to residential care - ALF or nursing home? I'm not clear what your responsibilities are to him, exactly. If he did nothing in terms of planning, I assume you don't have power of attorney either for financial or medical matters? By the way, if anyone asks, don't accept power of attorney, either; or not unless it's on very favourable terms that you have checked out by your own lawyer first. No one can make you. And he's only the second worst patient on his floor - if the rehab people were having that much trouble with him, they wouldn't be so polite. He can sit tight for the time being.

So this stress you're feeling comes from what, exactly? Are you firefighting, liaising with the rehab management? Are you anxious about having to care for him if/when he returns home? What are his needs in the short-term? What are they likely to be after that?

You say that you are terrified of the family home being lost, presumably to care/nursing fees for your father. What terrifies you? I'm picturing an old(ish) house, packed to the rafters with clutter and junk, a hotbed of tenants' problems and rent collection headaches… What is it that you will mind losing?

But: you also own an apartment left to you by your grandparents. Who is occupying this apartment? Or is it an apartment within the family property? Is there any reason why you shouldn't live in it?

Assuming that you have somewhere else to go, wouldn't it maybe help if - instead of thinking that you will lose the house - you looked on it as waving goodbye to a sea of troubles?

By the way, there's nothing especially unreasonable about a lawyer wanting his bill to get paid. I expect securing his fee is important to your father's attorney, but it doesn't mean he can't also be looking after your father's interests properly. I'd start by asking this lawyer to explain to you what the current plan is, both for supporting your father as long as he lives and, subsequently and separately, in terms of any estate he might leave. Get a clear picture of what property and capital you own independently, and what funds/assets are available for caring for your father. Then you can plan his care, and - I would say MORE importantly - start looking forward to living your own, gloriously free life.

It sounds as if your siblings were quicker off the mark getting away than you were. That doesn't mean you have to stay put forever and take all the punishment. Make sure your Dad is looked after properly, because if that weren't important to you you wouldn't still be there; but don't stick around for another second's abuse.

What would you like for your own future? Sometimes half the stress comes from not knowing what it is we do want to happen. Spend some time thinking about where you'd like to be, what you'd like to be doing, in the medium term. Nothing's impossible…

Good luck, keep us posted, and make up your mind that all change from here is going to be change for the better. It's your turn to be the important one. x

first off, im sorry, second you need to just step back and take a deep breath, third call a lawyer

Do you have any evidence at all that Grandmother gave you the house? Was her name on the deed when she did this? Is there anything in writing, any conversation heard by others, any thing at all to back up your claim that it was given to you? Any will?

If grandmother's name was on the deed, she gave you the building, and your father transferred it to his name and not yours when she died, you may be able to fight him to get it back. You will need a lawyer to assess this possibility.

If the building was not in grandmother's name, then she could not legally give it to you.

When you say she gave you the apartment, are your talking about the entire building, or only the unit she lived in?

Your father has a lawyer. It is the lawyer's legal obligation to act in your father's best interest. You need a lawyer to help you figure out if there is any way to get the house in your name.

The house was grandpas not grandmas. My father gave me the apartment for taking care of his parents. He never transferred anything into anyone's name. I have his permission to use his money,l was helping him write and pay bills before he became sick. He is the only name on the deed. My funds are limited and l don't have any property of my own. I have a few small investments,not of great value.

Darling, that's the trouble: if your father didn't transfer title to you, he did not in law or in fact "give" you anything - no matter what nice words he said in thanking you when he gave you permission to live in your grandparents' apartment.

How is he getting on? Are you any closer to knowing what lies ahead in the short term?

I hope I'm wrong, but are you perhaps thinking that if your father were to share out a proportion of his surplus assets now, rather than leaving it as his estate, it would provide you with the financial help you need to keep your own house going until you're able to secure a permanent job?

Or is it that your inheritance of your grandparents' house was not made official, and that your father officially owns it but you have been allowed to live in it? - So that technically it's his house, but morally it's yours?

Just trying to understand, I don't mean to be challenging or to hurt your feelings.

Agree with Jeanne: go back to your grandparents' will(s) and follow the thread from there. Establish title.

I also forgot to add to my last post: you do more than earn your keep, you can and should be proud of all you have already contributed to your family and to this home. For what it's worth - and the sadness is that it's worth nothing in cash terms - I think it a great pity that this is not automatically recognised in law.