Been married 25 years (same sex partner), we moved to our current city 20 years ago to be closer to her aging parents. I’ve always wanted to move but she would not leave her now 92 ur old mother. Her mom moved into a retirement high rise and made friends there, now she’s not leaving her mother or moving her from her friends and the city she “knows” ok fine. Now her mom has had a massive stroke and we’ve spent the last month in the hospital - she’s FINALLY in rehab, basically across the street from us. I and our marriage have been on the back burner for a month,!even though I expressed concern after the 1st week that our marriage would suffer. It was met with , how dare I think of myself or our marriage at a time like this!! 2 days in rehab and she went directly there this morning in case she was having anxiety again. Her minds not quite right. Sigh.... am I just being unsupportive and selfish? I don’t know what to do, I’m so lonely and miserable but as far as she’s concerned, her moms comfort and happiness comes first. Yes, I’ve tried to talk to her about it, she’s always tired or “it’s not a good time. I just want to relax”. She’s yet to talk with me about US and spends so much time with her mother even though she’s in a nursing home/rehab facility. Same thing when she was in the hospital, someone had to be there with her, she can’t see well she can’t do anything so we need to entertain her and be her companion. Please help seems I’ve been 2nd our entire relationship.
I'm into the same mess and it's been 45 years. And I, too, had PLENTY of warning signs that this woman was not going to ever be in my corner. Being all of 20 yo, I KNEW I could make her love me.
Guess what? Never happened, never will. My DH is mildly angry with me for stepping out of MIL's life, 99.9%. Meaning, if I saw her bleeding in the street, I'd call an ambulance, but probably wouldn't stick around to see if she was OK. 44 years of being the literal backseat to his mom---I'm done.
Now that's obviously an overstatement, but I dealt with her anger, traumas, hissy fits, nasty back talk for sooooo long and was made to feel that this was not just 'normal' it was my DUTY to put up with her.
Your MIL is 92, Mine is 91 and I expect will live to 100. She is not my friend, my anything. I don't think about her. DH brings her up and sighs and says he can't go visit her w/o me (really stupid thinking process going on here)..he just wants me there for a buffer, and I am not that anymore.
I wouldn't say your marriage can't last until your MIL passes. Seems like it, doesn't it?
Can you step back--big time, and tell DH you are done. That you'll be supportive of her care for her, but that it's getting to be too much for you. What would happen?
And guess what? NOBODY is going to tell you that MIL's happiness and comfort come first. Your marriage does. If, after 25 years, it doesn't, that's cause for marriage counseling.
Sounds like you have been very kind and VERY supportive over the years. It's perfectly OK to step out, you really don't even owe anyone an explanation.
For the record, in the 22 years my mother has lived 5 minutes away from us, my DH has visited her 0 times. He has gone WITH me to a family party on a few occasions, but he has NEVER seen her without me by his side. THAT made it a lot easier to tell him I couldn't deal with his mom anymore.
Have you spoken directly to your wife? You might be surprised to find she has no clue as to how you feel.
I wish you luck...and courage.
thank you so much for your reply. You’re right, after 25 years I should know where I stand and who I’m standing behind. Ugh. This is a painful realization.ouch
If I were in your shoes I would wait for a calm moment and suggest to her that since you've tried unsuccessfully to voice your perspective and concerns over the change in your relationship, that you see a marriage counselor -- someone who will help you both to see things objectively and help you navigate through the coming challenges (because there will be more as her mother requires more care). A counselor will help you both to identify boundaries and give wise insight as to whether either of you are reacting at an appropriate level in your interactions.
I wish you all the best during a challenging time for anyone in your situation!
"The spouse/partner should ALWAYS be #1." And you know what? She's right!
This means that your spouse should put you in second place, and vice versa. You take care of each other. The saying "happy wife, happy life" is not just a platitude, it is the simple truth and it goes for anybody- male, female or they. If you take care of your significant other, then the rest will take care of itself.
From an outsider's POV, I've seen it happen with other couples: the wife puts the children first and totally neglects the husband, and then she wonders why the husband cheats on her! Well DUH! That's what happens when you don't take care of your spouse! John Lennon once compared love to a flower- you have to water it in order for its survival.
I would tell my spouse to take a hike if they were pressuring me during a crisis like this with a parent that I made my #1 and made that very clear to said spouse. You are not being a loving, supportive spouse either.
I think you should see a counselor and try to gain some self esteem to figure out why you aren't okay with being #2 now, when you have put up with it for decades.
thank you for your non judge mental advice.
I clearly see this is not a safe place to ask for help.
My husband pushed me to create some distance for the both of us, and just now, I looked across our lunch table and told him AGAIN how grateful I am that he handled this situation as he did.
He assumed a firm position that my relationship with my mother was not fair to me, but also NOT TO HER.
When she did become a full time permanent resident in her care center I learned TO MY ABSOLUTE SHOCK that they adored her and she cherished each of them right back.
I still went every day at supper time but at some point was totally comfortable resuming my wife-life and always felt I could depend on her receiving devoted care.
I don’t think you’re necessarily “selfish”, but it does seem as though you’re not exactly focused on her. And perhaps if you could convince her how much you’d like for HER to enjoy some respite and independence and relaxation WITH you instead of by herself, she might be more able to realize how important HER WELL-BEING is to you.
As a very small thought in addition, you are not 2nd and your MIL is NOT FIRST. Your wife has ONE SPOUSE and One parent. Even if it’s only in your thinking, no one wins if you make yourself and your MIL competition.
If you love each other and can find some commonality in your love, you have potential to fix this. My husband and I have weathered some real battles, but still here, together 43+ years and counting.
Yes, you should expect your marriage to be a priority in your partner's life.
No, now that her mother's health is at a crisis point, expecting to be the priority is selfish and immature. It makes me wonder if the two of you ever had children, because caregiving an elderly parent is similar to raising small children.
However, since this has been going on for 20 of your 25-year union, to expect anything to change now isn't realistic. Even once her folks are gone, if you think you'll move into #1 position, guess again.
I'd say the two of you aren't a good match. It doesn't make either of you bad people, but I think your priorities are different and your views of marriage are different.
Your MIL had a massive stroke. Have you and your spouse discussed what happens when she gets out of rehab? Will she be returning to to her former home, or will she now require a higher level of care? What is her (MIL's) long term outlook?
When you moved 20 years ago to be closer to spouse's parents, were you in agreement with that? Did the two of you ever discuss it? Or was it just sort of "understood" that wherever spouse went, you'd follow? Did you ever have any sort of understanding of what the plan would be when (if) your in-laws became incapacitated (much like your MIL now)? Was there ever a point in your relationship that YOU had a family member that needed assistance, and your spouse supported your decision, or has this pretty much been a one-way deal?
I ask all of this because, from the little you've posted here, I don't think that moving to be closer to someone's aging parents is NECESSARILY putting a spouse into a "2nd place" position, if the *only* thing it did was to move closer for convenience sake, if you know what I mean - you know, you were closer in distance, but the in-laws didn't take up all of spouse's free time. And I would expect your spouse to be concerned with your MIL, especially if it's going to mean a major upheaval with MIL about where she will live once she's out of rehab. But if the past 20 years has been an ongoing process of you consistently being thought of second, that's an entirely different story.
I am loathe to ever tell someone on a message board to leave a spouse or to stay with a spouse (short of being abused, for which I believe there should never be a consideration to stay!!) because there are so many facets to making that decision - financial, social, emotional, etc. Facets that we're just not privy to. And only YOU know what your breaking point is. But clearly, the conversations you've had to date have, so far, fallen on deaf ears. So I really think you need to rethink your communication strategy.
Perhaps start off asking spouse what your MIL's outlook is; where will she be living once she's out of rehab, what will that look like, who is going to fill in the gaps in MIL's care? Questions of this nature. Not accusatory or aggressively, but truly trying to gather information to formulate a doable plan going forward - one that works for both of you (and your marriage) AND your MIL. You can certainly express your concern of distancing happening in your marriage, but try not to do it in such a way that makes spouse the "bad" guy and you the "good" guy. You should both be partners in solving this problem, not combatants. It could very well be that your spouse doesn't yet know where this is going with MIL, and is therefore scared to death, and might not be able to verbalize that to you.
If you can't come to some sort of reasonable solution, then if you want to save the marriage, by all means, seek marriage counseling. You're the only one who can decide if it's worth it at that point.
Good luck and (((hugs)))
You wife is correct, at this late stage I would not take Mom away from what she knows. I have seen this happen and the people decline fast. You are taking them away from what is familiar at an age its hard to adjust and make friends.
I have no idea if this situation is the stick that broke the camels back. But this "is" a serious situation. Your MIL has had a stroke she may never come back from. I doubt if she will be able to live independently. Depending on the severity of the stroke she may need skilled nursing. An AL is not equipped for skilled nursing.
Your MIL needs her daughter there. To make sure she is getting the care she should.
When I was first married, we were at a family get together. My MIL felt that I should have waited on her son. I looked at her and said
"He is a Big boy". He was in his mid 30s, 5ft 11in and just over 200# . He didn't look fat. He had no problem waiting on himself.
" I and our marriage have been on the back burner for a month,!even though I expressed concern after the 1st week that our marriage would suffer."
Sorry, I can't feel sympathy after that sentence. Do you not have parents? I understand that you feel you are 2nd in a the marriage. I have no idea what you have put up with your entire marriage but this is now a crisis and I do think you can be more supportive. Keep yourself busy doing something else. Do the wash. Clean the house. Cook or do take out. Do things you have planned on doing and just never got to. Let you wife do what she needs to do for Mom.
I clearly see this is not a safe place to ask for help."
Maybe the problem here that you are asking a bunch of women. Maybe you need to talk to another male. I get the impression you have never had to care for a parent and you have no children. People that have raised kids and cared for LOs will look at you as being selfish.
My husband’s mother was insanely needy when I first met him, to the point where I almost ended the relationship because I didn’t want to come second. He said I came first, and I quickly realized my mistake. She was desperately trying to hold on as though her life depended on it, and he was just as desperate to escape. I provided the escape.
We now put ourselves second because we have very young children, and that’s just what parents do, and we recognize that it’s not for forever.
If I were you, I would insist on a conversation. Grownups can have grownup conversations and it’s not unreasonable for you to want to share your concerns and that your partner should want to listen to make you feel better. That’s what being a partner is and does.
Right now you’re put in a position where you don’t feel valued. You don’t feel heard. That’s not how anyone should feel in a loving relationship.
Two things: know that it’s not for forever because her mother can’t LIVE for forever. In the meantime, a storm is brewing, and it will only grow bigger, and your feelings will only grow more hurt the longer you both ignore it. That is where irreversible damage can occur.
Have it out, and don’t put it off. Listen to her side, respect her feelings, but relationships are all about give and take. Keep bringing the “us” back into the conversation.
Wishing you the best of luck in clearing the air.
HUGS!!!
I'd like to say I really dislike it when people accuse others of being selfish without looking at themselves first.
Did she actually call you selfish btw? Or are you tossing that thought around?
You have given your wife the freedom to act as she wanted, the support with her chosen role (as caregiver) & respected her choice.
Has she done the same in return?
Or has she decided you must fit into her plan, without discussion, without freedom to choose for yourself, without respect to hear your views?
If so, that there is *selfish*.
It may not help to point that out ☹️.. but finding that first step towards equal respect - to hear each other's point of view can be a goal.
If you need her to be invested in your relationship, make it clear, that first step is important to you.
When my DH was called selfish, it was by a sibling who had a grand plan she wanted everyone a part of. Say no to her & you got called *selfish*. It gave me a good chance to study the word.
You're not ending a long term relationship over this, you're mad, hurt, frustrated and tired--as ANYONE would be in a similar situation.
Look at your partner with admiration for the ability to care so much! Most people come here angry at the fact their partner is checked out and doesn't even communicate with them. Yours is 'too involved' in her mom's life, but at 90+, she really does not have long. Esp with serious health issues.
Every angry word you hurl at her is going to come back ten fold. Take a break for yourself--and re-group.
I remember my Dh assuming that I would be THRILLED to have his dying father live with us at the end. Started making plans to move him in w/o even talking to me. I mean, since it was his DAD he figured I'd be totally on board. And I loved his dad, but I still had kids at home and a sick daddy of my own. I had to be firm, but loving, and tell DH he could move in with his dad and I'd support that, but I couldn't handle one more thing at the time.
Yep-DH was angry, but mostly, he was SCARED. He couldn't handle this on his own.
Taking time to really listen to DH helped, and also, standing my ground. Our marriage survived that and many, many more traumas over the years.
Be kind to yourself. And your spouse. Try to talk when it's calmer. Make your points and stick with them.
Be loving. The answer to so many of our questions and worries is, in fact, love. Not saying it's easy, b/c it is NOT, but love will conquer many worries and concerns.