Sorry to dump everything here. I am struggling with my dad. He is in a memory care unit and is still able to communicate for the most part, but he doesn't live in reality. He is very educated. He thinks he is going to go teach at a university he attended in his youth. He repeatedly asks me to book plane tickets for the whole family so that we can all go there and live with him. He is refusing to interact with other residents because he scoffs at how uneducated they are and how they don't understand anything, and that's why he needs to leave and go where all the educated people are. He has many other delusions too, including thinking my mom is cheating on him. Once he gets stuck on his delusion-of-the-moment, it is nearly impossible to redirect him. I don't live in the same city and my contact with him is all by phone.
I feel guilty to say that I dread talking to him every day, literally DREAD it with a big heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know he loves me and I know his delusional thinking is due to his disease but it doesn't make it any easier to handle. It is exhausting to hear the same negativity and delusions every single phone call. Every time I tell him I have to go back to work, he will interrupt and ask me some other question (on the same topic).
I hate it. I feel like it's all on me to keep calling him, otherwise he'll be all alone. My sisters don't help much.
Any advice appreciated. Thank you for letting me vent.
But when my brother was dying in hospice it just so happened a college student was there visiting to collect information in order to do their thesis. They selected my brother as the dying person they would discuss. Quite interesting. I was fascinated by it. I learned a lot about my brother I hadn’t even known and I feel it was extremely helpful and cathartic for him. The student was very grateful for the opportunity to have such an intimate discussion with him.
Yeah, I think this may help.
A medication check is in order by your dad's physician.
My mother has dementia and it was and is very hard to accept. I didn't understand what was happening to her and sometimes even losing patience with her. The repeating was on and on and on, and she resorted to her younger years and even thinking that her father was coming to visit, etc.. I understand what you are going through. But as time went on, I could finally force myself to read about what was really happening to my mother and her memory.
Please educate yourself on the disease and you will look at your loved one differently when you understand that their brain is under attack.
www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=5&v=0GXv3mHs9AU
I wish you a lot of luck while you try to maintain your sanity!
Have a meeting or a conference call with your sisters and see if you all can't come up with a schedule of a call or visit, so it doesn't feel like it's all falling on you.
How often you are calling? How long is the call?
Maybe it's too much?
Go along with what he is saying. The path of least resistance. He doesn't know what he's saying, he's in a loop.
Make sure you have nothing planned or can do some self-care before and after the call.
For me, the dread does not go away. It will diminish, yet you will learn self-care techniques and coping mechanisms, and Life will go on..............until he doesn't.
All the best to you, and your family, esp your dad....
I'm not saying these things to make you feel guilty. I just think you should re-assess the situation. Hard to tell on the basis of some phone calls.
FIL had similar experiences when his doctors had him on top many blood pressure meds.
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She no longer can tell the difference of night and day, even though she has a window bed. I have changed to once every other day, as she sleeps a lot and has been change to Palliative care
Some times the calls are good she seems up beat and comprehends all.
Then there are the panic calls where she cries and says she can not take it any more. So you feel bad but know there is nothing to be done. so !
Take care of you, and ween your calls down!
That is the best for your peace of mind habits can be changed !
It is exhausting to hear the same records, as I call it, played over and over again. I dreaded going to see my dad when I first moved him into LTC because he would rail at me and verbally abuse me for moving him there. Nothing I would say would help him understand so I finally had to distance myself or be depressed enough to kill myself. So please protect yourself. You are worth it and I’m glad you came here to express your distress. Please let us know you will call him less. Your therapeutic fibs are good. Also try not redirecting and keep the calls short. Don’t worry about what he remembers...he probably doesn’t in reality. He has worn a groove in the brain and the needle is stuck...it only seems like he remembers. Hugs!
Better to have it short and sweet instead of long and dreaded.
You will feel terrible the 1st time you hang up and can hear him talking away, but is gets easier. You gain control over the situation and that is well worth any feelings of hanging up on him.
You can do this in a loving, gentle way. When he asks you to do something, you can always say you are super busy at work and only have the few minutes you've taken to call him, so when things slow down you can talk about it then.
I just had an idea, can you get dad set up to hold classes for these people. That would entertain him and his facility mates. Have him read one of the Harvard classics to them or something. I bet the facility would allow big markers, you know the kind that wipe off everything but paper, and paper or notebooks for classroom supplies.
MY SIL, when he was doing Med School rounds at the VA, had one patient who 'believed' he lived in an apartment with his childhood friend and he got up each day to run his "chili" stand out in the hall. Of course, there was no chili and such--but the staff there simply gave him a tray and some cups and spoons--kind of feeding into the delusion, I guess, but he was content and VERY busy in his own world. He was in the psych ward, so something in his brain was very fundamentally broken. But my SIL said he was one of the most chipper, upbeat patients. SIL stopped everyday and 'bought' a cup of chili.
All I can say for advice is disengage from his delusions. If he's anything like my FIL, it doesn't matter what you say, he'll still believe what he wants to believe. It is difficult, I know, but just disengage. Don't try to please him through his delusions. You can try 'therapeutic fibs', but it sounds like he's got enough of a short-term memory that those fibs won't work very well.
I do understand, because I'm going through the same thing.
has he applied for the position he is seeking? Has he looked into the housing? Etc. etc.
keep him focused on the planning aspect.
ask about the senior services there...has he investigated that? Etc.
The place he is at has internet....get him set up with it to do research. Bet he gets so tied up with that it keeps him very occupied. Could take months for him to learn to use it.....tell him of course he can do this, he is much more intelligent than average.
I think you are all right in saying that I will have to call less often and shorten the calls if I can. It is far too draining.
I remind mom of my needs but it goes in one ear and out the other, then I question myself as to why I even bother to express how I feel.
Every now and then she gets how I feel. I love when she does but I have learned not to expect it. I wonder how I would cope if she does develop dimentia with her Parkinson’s. I’m not even sure that I would see the signs and might feel as though she is just being contrary, or her usual perfectionist self! She isn’t always contrary. She can be the most loving mom in the world also. Ups and downs of aging.
She was never a hateful person, still isn’t downright hateful. I know the difference. My husband’s grandma was downright hateful! I hope I would be able to decipher to know if dimentia was developing or normal ups and downs.
Even without dimentia my mom’s outlook has changed. I can’t put my finger on it. I think they unknowingly become selfish out of fear. They know they have more days behind them than ahead and are desperately trying to squeeze in as much of what is meaningful to them into their remaining time on this earth.
I do feel more confident after she sees her neurologist for her check ups because he seems to give her a thorough physical and mental examination.
I feel for you. I would check in with his doctor. Mom’s doctors always ask if I have questions or concerns. I do ask my questions and speak about concerns with them. It helps to have their professional opinion.
Other than that, I would shorten the conversation if it is getting to be too much stress. I hope you will be able to find a healthy balance in your life soon. Vent anytime. We all need to when we are getting overwhelmed.
my Dad had all sorts of delusions. My approach to all of it was to play along. Just like I was playing cops and robbers with my grandsons, Talk about the whole thing with him. Don’t feed into the delusion, but do no try to talk him out of it. Ask about specific plans, where on campus he would like to be, etc. when I did this with my dad, it calmed him down and gave him “research” projects. When I would hit on questions he could not answer...he would go quiet about it for days (sometimes a week or more) and then one day, delighted, he would have some nonsense answer. Then he would start all over again.
this costs you nothing except to hear the depth of the delusion, and it could calm him down they way it did for my Dad
p.s. My Dad was certain that aliens had taken over the VA...he was making plans to create and lead and underground resistance.
Second things is, you do need to set boundaries. Perhaps calling dad every few days at first. I know it is hard to get your head wrapped around the fact that he may not be missing you or/and that he is lonily. He is in his own world. It is so heartbreaking to think of our parents that way. I think some times we project our feelings on to them. Example, we feel that if we were in their shoes we would be lonily. Or guilt takes over and than we feel awful for not being there for them or talking to them. But I think the truth is we can only go so far with them on this road and then at some point in the disease were we just can't go! They must go alone. Sure we can take care of their physical needs and what nots, but they are in a world we don't have access too. I know you don't live close by to your dad, but I think you understand what I am saying. It is just so dam hard to see our parents this way.
Thirdly, there are medications to help with his delusion. When my mother has delusion which as of right now are not that many of them, but when they come I have found that it was just easier to go along with it. I got the idea from a Will Smith move of all places. I wish I could remember the name of the movie.
I know it is hard and I think it is harder on us if we have had that close relationship with that parent. I couldn't do this for my dad it would have ripped me into pieces, but because I wasn't as close to my mother some how has made it easier for me to detach!
I am sorry that you have to go through this. Come here anytime to vent and ask questions.
Hugs
That being so, there is no need to redirect him or attempt in any way to connect with him reality.
Instead, look on the conversation as though it were any conversation with a person who is not your father. You can take his word for the truth of what he says and go along with it. It's just a story, a narrative, which you don't need to challenge or in any way relate to your own knowledge of him.
Confine these conversations to a length of call that you yourself can manage. At the moment, when you're trying to end the call, he ignores your farewells and carries on regardless; and you, being a sane and courteous person, feel you have to continue the call.
But you don't have to. Honestly and truly, even if - as if! - you said "oh shut up you crazy old windbag" and hung up on him, any offence or hurt he felt would be forgotten in moments, probably before he even put the phone down.
So you can easily say "I have to run Dad, I'll speak to you soon, love you, 'bye..!" and then *hang* *up* even if he is in mid-sentence; and he will feel no hurt and no confusion and you need have not a twinge of conscience about it.
You are not his real daughter with whom he is having a meaningful conversation. You are a sympathetic and agreeable presence off whom he can bounce the thoughts that are running through his head. The normal rules of good telephone manners just don't apply.
About you. It is bloody awful to hear your lovely, brilliant Dad talking like a lunatic. It is quite harrowing enough. But don't add the heartache of trying to stop him when it just isn't possible, and do take active control of how long you have to cope with it each time.
He has seen many doctors, including a geriatrician and a psychiatrist and many others too. He started a new course of meds about 2? months ago and they said it could take up to 3 months to see a change. So far - nothing. We may have to continue to explore other meds to see if they will help. Unfortunately, the doctor has said that it could be a lot of trial and error to find a med that works for him and it could take a year or more. It's disheartening.
Place yourself in his world, plan that move, comforting him within his delusion.
Have you checked with his doctor on the delusions. There is probably a med to help. My mom took Seroquel, it relieved the anxiety that caused many delusions.