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CG, a little more detail might help. Your profile says you are only dealing with age related decline, but if you are having to deal with medical problems and provide assistance for ADLs then I think there is a lot more going on. When you are in the middle of a medical crisis all thoughts turn to surviving the next days and weeks. As the days pass thoughts naturally turn to living with the new reality, not just surviving but really living with the best quality of life possible. There are options available depending on your circumstances that can nurture their social and spiritual needs... sorry duty calls, I will leave details for others :)
We have many needs, and they fall into a hierarchy. We need oxygen and water and food. But if you are suffocating you really aren't focused on the fact that you are hungry! The first and only priority is getting out of the situation that is preventing you from getting air.
Survival comes first.
We have social and emotional needs, too. I think they may be more important than we sometimes acknowledge. If someone needs help with ADLs, that comes ahead of emotional needs. Someone who can't feed himself or toilet herself needs that taken care of first. It is hard to be emotionally happy while suffering malnutrition or sitting in soiled pants.
I think it is very difficult as the primary (and often only) caregiver for a loved one with severe medical and physical needs to have enough energy to get beyond meeting the essential survival needs. I think it is a very good thing to arrange for the loved one to interact with other people, such as at an adult day health program, church, senior centers, or appropriate social groups.
As important as your aging loved one wants them to be.
My mother froze out all her friends with pretenses of being "too busy." Turns out it was brain changes from early dementia and a Parkinsonian syndrome. Her reclusiveness bothered others (myself included) more than it bothered her. The stimulation of conversation and questions made her agitated and befuddled. She preferred to be alone.
I also know several other elderly folks who are in their right minds, and have no social life outside of placing demands/expectations on their adult children and grandchildren. I haven't known these folks long enough to know if they never had friends.....or this is the old-age shut-down.
I find this syndrome disturbing. But it sure is prevalent. Maybe I'll understand when I'm that age. Altho I hope not.
My mom has no social life to speak of in AL although there are ample opportunities.
But--and here is the significant part--she had no social life before. We visited her and she played bridge. Without bridge, she would have seen no one but us. And she routinely broke off relationships with people--all her life long. She expected people to come to her and she went to no one to suggest get-togethers.
So, do I feel that I have to fix or improve this??? Not one bit. I visit every day. My mom is now struggling to have a conversation because her memory is so bad. But, God love her, she tries to be peasant and cooperative--thanks to her new meds.
Recently I got mom all set up in a cute quiet apartment while she waits for her senior apartment to become available..her current apartment is not a senior apartment..so there's no real interaction with other folks..and I feel bad about that..so I bring her to our home to visit...HOWEVER I never know which mom I'm going to get..the pleasant one...or the negative complaining argumentative one who appreciates nothing...so while I feel bad she is lonely..I can't be responsible for her attitude that wants to be doomy! In fact her meanness is the last straw..the demanding..is affecting the tranquilty of my home. I encourage her to contact her friends..so she has started to do this...but they don't seem to come visit. I take her to a seniors group once a week...where she complains how mean I am to her...and she is believed. My sanity hangs by a thread. So I avoid her other than making sure her physical needs are met. Emotional health is important but she refuses counseling. In fact I need counseling to help me with guilt!
How important is it??? This is tough because to deny your loved one social and spiritual and emotional inclusion and thereby putting that well-being into jeopardy is actually abuse. The problem is knowing what level of inclusion they actually want. One thing I do know is that you cannot base it on what they always did before the disease took hold especially when we talk strokes and dementia. Example: Mum wants to see everyone every day and would gleefully have me drive her from one to another - isn't going to happen not in a million but she does go to church every week and she does go to a guild meeting every week and we have at least one friend come for the day each week and I feel in that way I have done my bit. I take her out for a walk along the foreshore if it is fine or we go for a drive. Example 2 Mym mother's friend has had a stroke and doesn't want to go out she doesn't want to speak to people - She has always been been the snappiest dresser the wittiest of people and the sharpest of brains and now although it is all inside she cannot move smoothly and cannot speak well and she doesn't want to meet people anymore so all the work her family do is familial based and she is happy with that and is moving away from her home to be nearer them and people who don't know her.....different horses for different courses.
I like the idea of pretending mom is speaking a foreign language when she's been negative...a sense of humor helps a lot! When she's nasty I stay away for a few days..and keep visits short. A local diner for fish dinner etc. She's had two personalities all my life..now it's just worse...hard
Emotional wellbeing is critical we all need something to look forward to, but it differs. Dad was high energy, always had something he wanted to do.....it typically involved me taking him. Mom is more sedentary, and seems bothered by the thought of "having" to go somewhere. She is made happy by being visited, getting a pastry or treat and word search.
Emotional wellbeing is important, but you I've had to learn the hard way I can't force my mother to do social activities and I can't get inside her head and change her mindset. I tried for years to get my mother to go to the senior center, do hobbies at home and stop feeling sorry for herself. The final straw came when she moved into assisted living and there were so many activities right there for her to do, but all she wants to do is lay on the bed, watch TV and sleep. I can't make her do anything, all I can do is have so level of control over the medical care she receives and her living conditions. Elderly folks are stubborn and the guilt caregivers have to endure because of it isn't fair.
Social and emotional well-being are important but not all-important. I had hoped my husband would have an opportunity for more of a social life in assisted living than he had at home with me. (We hadn't had a common social life in decades.) It didn't happen. Then when he moved to "memory care"—because of a need for more supervision, not because of memory issues—he said, "There are crazy people here." There is only so much one can do for another person's social and emotional well-being. Seeing them kept safe, clean, and nourished comes first. At some point I realized he would just have to cope with whatever is going on with him and his situation with whatever capacity he has. It's his life to live.
I'm with you all. MIL has never kept friendships. She originally blamed FIL but she refused to re kindle after he passed. I tried a day care program. She hates it. The first 2 times she humored me but the 3rd she carried on how I tricked her and she no longer trusts me. (It was Easter week so the program was a week earlier then anticipated, so even though I told her where we were going and what was happening she got confused) The group leader confirmed she was agitated the entire hour she was there. It took a week to get her health back on track, yet the Dr. is pushing saying she is just existing and not thriving. She is wonderful, usually very pleasant, never complains but she prefers to be alone or with us. I want to her to be happy and healthy, I'm afraid if she moves in with us any independance will go out the window. She is more then happy to let me take care of her every need and that's what would happen. She would be sleeping on a recliner in our living room in our tiny not handicap accessible home. ugh....
I agree with all of the above comments. My Mom was almost a recluse during her last years. Its funny how hindsight is twenty, twenty. We were always coaxing Mom to interact with the other residents at the nursing home. It didn't dawn on me until after she was gone that she liked being alone long before that. I think if we were honest with ourselves it would of made us feel better if she socialized more, not her.
This is an interesting question for me. My live-in 89 year old father-in-law has no friends, no hobbies, no interests in activities of any sort, beyond going to the bank, vacuuming, and drinking his (now rationed) beer. I have worried about that. I also can't force him to change his usual attire (he does wash it regularly), wear reading glasses, get hearing aids, and/or get his teeth fixed. All these things would improve the quality of his life (and mine!) and he can easily afford these things. But after reading this thread, I realize there is really nothing I can do about it. These things are on him as long as he lives under our roof. Sad really.
I'm sorry but i have to ask this. How important is your social and emotional well-being? How important do you think it will be to you, when you get to be "the aging loved one" age?
This question is easy. Simply put yourself in their place. How would you feel? Remember, you could be that aging loved one, one day. How would you want others to treat you?
Always be kind, loving, supportive and please, always be mindful of their emotional well-being. I always make sure my mom laughs, feels good about herself, especially on bad days. That's when we all need love and compassion the most.
I'm guessing everyone's situation is different, but in caring for my parents (both with dementia), I often feel that the social and emotional aspects of their care are short-shrifted. Just getting through the day meeting their other needs is often all I can manage; yes, I want to be that bright and lively Mary Poppins type of caregiver who puts a song on and gets them up to dance, who whips out a pack of cards and jovially leads them into a card game... but the reality is that they resist, resist, resist all these efforts, which leaves me discouraged and drained. The reality is that it takes them forever to do anything, so unless we have a few hours of quiet time, introducing and implementing a social activity is not always feasible. Then there are times when, during a lull, all I want to do is go for a walk and do something for myself... it's really conflicted, all of it. Your question was "how important" it is, presumably in the mix. I think it's super important, but that most caregivers need to simplify the expectations they put upon themselves, and fine-tune the social activities to the patient. For my mother, arranging a phone call to one of her friends might do the trick. My father enjoys a particular TV show everyday; if I sit and watch it with him, he loves discussing what's going on with me... both very undemanding tasks, yet highly interactive and social for them. In any case, I totally relate to the guilt and exhaustion that comes with trying to be all things to the people we are loving and caring for. We do the best we can, and most days that has to be enough.
Very important. Your emotions are who you are. That being said, I hear you. It's more important to me that my mom get cleaned up and avoid a UTI than whether or not she's "happy" about being washed (she's not). That also being said, it takes very little to mak someone feel well emotionally: sharing a laugh, spending time together watching something funny on TV, holding hands, and letting your mom know you are there for her. every time I'm with my mother, I whisper in her ear, "I love you more than anything." She laughs and says thank you. She feels loved.
Christine73, I love the whisper routine with your Mom, that's so touching and cute! I'm going to steal the idea from you, and find a catch-phrase that will make my Mom laugh.
Salisbury nailed it.....it is what it is. My mother seems very much the same....not sociable at all at AL and looks to us to meet those needs although there are many opportunities she could avail herself of and chooses not to. We visit once or twice a week, bring her what she needs/wants, spend some time looking at pics and trying to have a conversation, and then move on. We are all just doing the best we can and hugs and love to everyone as they navigate these very difficult waters.
Some elders just seem to withdraw and what can you do? My mil seems to have withdrawn a lot. She gets invited to go somewhere but doesn't want to go. Then she complains that she never gets to go anywhere. When she was in rehab she wouldn't come out of her room then complained about being lonesome. My husband would go see her on Saturday but the Saturday before she was released he didn't and she tried to guilt him into coming over there. He and other family tried to get her to come out of her room to talk to the other people there and she'd say she didn't want to talk to all those old people. She's miserable at her home, was miserable in rehab, doesn't want any outside help coming in. The people at the nursing home tried to talk her into letting some help come to her home but she said no, I don't want anybody coming in, I can take care of myself and if I need help I'll call Mamabug.
My mom is in a care home with lots of activities on offer. She refuses to do any of them, and sits in her room all day except for meals in the dining room where she sits with the same people whose names she never remembers. The staff and myself have tried endlessly to get her involved, she doesn't even watch tv. But she is happy in herself, always chatty and glad to see me. Her brain also tells her stories about her having gone out for long walks and trips to pantomimes etc. I am gradually giving up the persuasion, it's the daughter guilt thing as it seems awful that she does so little.
I whisper " I have the best Oma in the world" She is annoyed at me right now cause I try to get her to color with colored pencils.It is her 83rd birthday present. She explained to me she prefers the cake. She IS my favorite person.
My mother when young SEEMED like a lively, friendly sort and I think she was. She had several brothers and sisters all living on the same block, made friends at her infrequent part-time jobs, and much later in life was heavily involved in church activities (not that she was religious, but she was a sort of assistant to the priest, and as all her siblings had died, she turned her attention (and gossip!) to the church people. Now she is in nursing home with dementia, after living at home for as long as possible, and I have to say she is cheerful as ever. She lives in a world of her own, with 'visitors' coming (!) and going on 'shopping expeditions' (!)....she can't really follow conversation, but she gets along well with the people at the nursing home and joins in many activities (such as they are). I wouldn't worry too much about being all things to mom or dad, as a caregiver. I nearly killed myself doing caregiving in the last couple of years. I had no time to be a loving, jolly companion (to a formerly abusive mother, at that) sitting holding hands, reminiscing, or doing arts and crafts. I feel socially she is much better off with people in the nursing home as all her friends and relatives have passed away, there is only me, a disabled brother, and a remote niece who are here to even visit her once in a while. It's a sad situation, but you do what you can for them, and try not to kill yourself thinking and doing everything. (And you know, some people are introverts to begin with, I have met very few older people who are full of fire and energy demanding to be carted around to beaches, picnics, malls, movies, libraries, etc. When they begin to slow down (and you'll know that when you see it!) they are content to just sit and watch tv, listen to music or daydream and nap. People get nervous! Mom has to get up and walk! We have to visit Mom every day! We have to play games and cards and sort photographs! Dad looks so sad and bored, we have to rent him a wheelchair and take him to the soccer game! Their reality is not your reality, if you are a hyped-up go getter, your 85-90 year old parent is not on that level, So Chill!)
You just described my Mom to a T! She had her friends from when she worked and neighbors but when they all died, she just gave up on finding new ones. I brought her to social functions, groups, lovely people extended themselves out to her and she just would not engage unless I was at her side. Then I starting noticing she was having memory issues and it got much worse. She uses me as her shield in every social situation (which is almost non-existant now) as she is embarrassed of her failing memory. I even found a group for people who have dementia and she told me she had a lovely time but would not go again unless I went with her. She has become my shadow. Other than that, she mostly interacts only with me since she lives with me so I can take care of her. Recently, a lady from the place she gets her hair done has extended herself to my Mom wanting to strike up a friendship. I was thrilled! Mom, very hesitant tried to get me to be the buffer but I refused. I told her to at least give this woman a chance to get to know her and if she then decideds she does not want to continue the friendship, I will find a way to tell her gently but I will not be there when they get together because she needs to interact with someone besides me. I think it's healthy but I must remember the old saying, "You can lead a horse to water".......so if it doesn't work, I won't be entirely dissapointed. I think this is pretty common for people with dementia to tend to withdrawl from social interaction but I will continue to get her to try, it is an enormous amount of pressure on me to be her sole source of communication as well as everything else.
Caregiving is one of the most difficult jobs there is. Even when having all the answers we are challenged with out of the ordinary situations. People seem not to understand all of what is expected of us. Since physical and mental issues are very visible most people do not realize there is another need which is just as or more important. Many of our tasks are related to caring for a person's physical state. People who are being cared for have lost so much by the time we are to this point the only help they want is to be left alone. Caregivers give so much they frequently just don't have the energy to answer one more request.
However if we take the emotional care and use it to help us we will soon find a light at the end of the tunnel. This is not difficult if we know our person. If we can distract them from a situation that is frustrating we can then have a safe and practical exchange both physical, verbal and emotional. Without the emotional side of their health being taken care of our work is three fold as difficult. For instance if we know the person had a traumatic event many years ago with a doctor or hospital we can then emotionally move them past the frightening point and have a very productive medical visit. Not only is this far less stressful it is in fact easier on all involved and far less time consuming.
Taking care of the emotional side of caregiving is very important and frequently disregarded, as we are looking at all the physical needs. Having a 'go to' activity, which they really like, is one way to provide us with a less anger filled task that must be accomplished.
When we do give ourselves the time and technique for emotional caregiving the experience will be a positive and satisfying one. This state brings all parties to a common ground to start from.
Thank you so much for this opportunity to work with you on a matter of Everest size importance. If there is any more I can do please feel free to contact me
I'm an aged (85) parent of three adult children. My social & emotional well-being is important to me, but only on my terms. I'm glad my children don't, as did my late husband's hospice social worker, try to mitivate me to socialize more. To assure my safety and lighten my work load, I recently moved to an independent living facility. I attend social events there, and "make conversation" with people I meet there. But I'm most content socializing online with my peers from childhood and a few newly friends from when -- as a widow -- I lived alone for two years before moving here. I spend time reading, emailing my childhood and Internet support group friends, and reliving my romance and marriage with my late husband, who died two years ago at 76.
Salisbury, you described our mom exactly. She passed recently. Mom was shy, she almost never socialized, being very deaf made it worse for her, she would hang out with one friend, maybe go to the cocktail hour, but that was it. Then she would say she was lonely. Then she would say there were too many people and she wasn't interested. (It was a small indep. living facility, lots of activities, etc) As you said, it is what it is. You can't change people. We all do the best we can, but it is up to our parents to take the next step. I actually think Mom socialized more than she would admit but kept it a secret from us. Activity was there if she wanted it. I think if she had not been in IL or AL, she would have had NO social life or interaction with people her age, with people she shared common interests with. We could not have been all things to her.
It means Everything! The more they stay socially connected with other people, who they can talk to, engage in social activities with others, the better mentally and physically stronger they will stay! When my mother was still living at home at the age of 81, I could see she was starting to be afraid to drive, except for very short distances, and this caused her to start going into a depression, as she was unable to go out and do the social activities she always loved to do. We both decided it was time to sell her house and move into a retirement center. It did not take her long to adjust, as she seemed more happier being around people her own age that she could see who were still very active in the social activities they offered there, and which she enjoyed participating in. If they are left alone to often, to just sit day and day watching TV, they will become mentally and physically like vegetables! My mom also enjoyed being around children helping them do arts and crafts. For many years, she had a part time jewelry business, and it gave her great joy, to teach and show the children how to string beads and make different things. My mom did this until her dementia and heart problems got the best of her and she had a stroke in October, and passed away this February at the age of 88.
Thank you so very much for your input. I have been wondering and wondering if my mom is not perhaps at her most content when just left alone. I think she needs to socialize but she has no interest.
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Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
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APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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When you are in the middle of a medical crisis all thoughts turn to surviving the next days and weeks. As the days pass thoughts naturally turn to living with the new reality, not just surviving but really living with the best quality of life possible. There are options available depending on your circumstances that can nurture their social and spiritual needs... sorry duty calls, I will leave details for others :)
Survival comes first.
We have social and emotional needs, too. I think they may be more important than we sometimes acknowledge. If someone needs help with ADLs, that comes ahead of emotional needs. Someone who can't feed himself or toilet herself needs that taken care of first. It is hard to be emotionally happy while suffering malnutrition or sitting in soiled pants.
I think it is very difficult as the primary (and often only) caregiver for a loved one with severe medical and physical needs to have enough energy to get beyond meeting the essential survival needs. I think it is a very good thing to arrange for the loved one to interact with other people, such as at an adult day health program, church, senior centers, or appropriate social groups.
My mother froze out all her friends with pretenses of being "too busy." Turns out it was brain changes from early dementia and a Parkinsonian syndrome. Her reclusiveness bothered others (myself included) more than it bothered her. The stimulation of conversation and questions made her agitated and befuddled. She preferred to be alone.
I also know several other elderly folks who are in their right minds, and have no social life outside of placing demands/expectations on their adult children and grandchildren. I haven't known these folks long enough to know if they never had friends.....or this is the old-age shut-down.
I find this syndrome disturbing. But it sure is prevalent. Maybe I'll understand when I'm that age. Altho I hope not.
But--and here is the significant part--she had no social life before. We visited her and she played bridge. Without bridge, she would have seen no one but us. And she routinely broke off relationships with people--all her life long. She expected people to come to her and she went to no one to suggest get-togethers.
So, do I feel that I have to fix or improve this??? Not one bit. I visit every day. My mom is now struggling to have a conversation because her memory is so bad. But, God love her, she tries to be peasant and cooperative--thanks to her new meds.
It is what it is.
Dad was high energy, always had something he wanted to do.....it typically involved me taking him.
Mom is more sedentary, and seems bothered by the thought of "having" to go somewhere. She is made happy by being visited, getting a pastry or treat and word search.
This question is easy. Simply put yourself in their place. How would you feel? Remember, you could be that aging loved one, one day. How would you want others to treat you?
Always be kind, loving, supportive and please, always be mindful of their emotional well-being. I always make sure my mom laughs, feels good about herself, especially on bad days. That's when we all need love and compassion the most.
She's miserable at her home, was miserable in rehab, doesn't want any outside help coming in. The people at the nursing home tried to talk her into letting some help come to her home but she said no, I don't want anybody coming in, I can take care of myself and if I need help I'll call Mamabug.
I am gradually giving up the persuasion, it's the daughter guilt thing as it seems awful that she does so little.
She is annoyed at me right now cause I try to get her to color with colored pencils.It is her 83rd birthday present. She explained to me she prefers the cake.
She IS my favorite person.
Caregiving is one of the most difficult jobs there is. Even when having all the answers we are challenged with out of the ordinary situations. People seem not to understand all of what is expected of us. Since physical and mental issues are very visible most people do not realize there is another need which is just as or more important. Many of our tasks are related to caring for a person's physical state. People who are being cared for have lost so much by the time we are to this point the only help they want is to be left alone. Caregivers give so much they frequently just don't have the energy to answer one more request.
However if we take the emotional care and use it to help us we will soon find a light at the end of the tunnel. This is not difficult if we know our person. If we can distract them from a situation that is frustrating we can then have a safe and practical exchange both physical, verbal and emotional. Without the emotional side of their health being taken care of our work is three fold as difficult. For instance if we know the person had a traumatic event many years ago with a doctor or hospital we can then emotionally move them past the frightening point and have a very productive medical visit. Not only is this far less stressful it is in fact easier on all involved and far less time consuming.
Taking care of the emotional side of caregiving is very important and frequently disregarded, as we are looking at all the physical needs. Having a 'go to' activity, which they really like, is one way to provide us with a less anger filled task that must be accomplished.
When we do give ourselves the time and technique for emotional caregiving the experience will be a positive and satisfying one. This state brings all parties to a common ground to start from.
Thank you so much for this opportunity to work with you on a matter of Everest size importance. If there is any more I can do please feel free to contact me
As you said, it is what it is. You can't change people. We all do the best we can, but it is up to our parents to take the next step. I actually think Mom socialized more than she would admit but kept it a secret from us. Activity was there if she wanted it. I think if she had not been in IL or AL, she would have had NO social life or interaction with people her age, with people she shared common interests with. We could not have been all things to her.
Thank you so very much for your input. I have been wondering and wondering if my mom is not perhaps at her most content when just left alone. I think she needs to socialize but she has no interest.
You are showing me that its OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you!