Mother, 88, lives alone in own home with some help (reluctantly). She is very stubborn and proud. Mobility and vision issues are getting worse. I am worried about her safety . I am only daughter, have two brothers, one local who does not offer help and the other lives 3 hours away who visits monthly. Our family does not communicate. I am feeling taken for granted and worried that things are going to get worse.
Two years ago, after both my parents had falls, I went ahead move them to move suitable accommodation. None of my siblings come forward to help. Then, I have to entice them by suggesting that we may make a capital gain with the new unit, would anyone wants to share the investment. That brought in three of my siblings into the loop.
It was a tough job.
Then you can inform your brothers of Mom's status periodically, but you won't need their blessing or approval.
Prayers and best of luck.
I wish you the best. All too often the daughter is the one expected to do it all. Some can and some can't. If you can't, that doesn't make you bad. You may want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm
Good luck,
Carol
What are you currently doing for your mother, and what more do you expect to be doing for her in the next six months or so? Does she drive? Does she clean her house? Does she cook and prepare her own meals? Can she manage her own finances?
I am the local daughter to my 90 y/o mother (who lives alone). I have three out-of-state brothers. Whenever I take her someplace (or my dh or I have to do something for her), I send an e-mail to my three brothers for documentation purposes. I first started doing this when my mother accused me of lying when I told her I had to stay with her for 8 days and nights when she somehow hurt her back and became almost helpless. If there is any question down the line about what I did or didn't do for her, I will have all the emails as documentation.
I have her health care proxy (which can only be activated if she is incapable). The four of us sibs have a durable general POA. Only two of my brothers have access to her money, though, as they are the successor trustees for her trust. And they can only access it if she is incapable. That could get sticky, I suppose, at some point, but that's what my mother wanted. If any decisions have to be made regarding her money, I will step back and away until they are made. (So that will force at least one of those two successor trustees to come down and help make the decision about what facility my mother ends up in, if it comes to that.) And if it comes to the point where I feel I am taken advantage of, I will request payment. If that payment isn't forthcoming, my help to our mother stops.
My mother lives with my brother, so she is by no means "alone". How much they interact with her is an unknown as she tells me they "never" some to see her, and they say they ALL pop their heads in at least once a day.
My 4 other sibs are totally MIA. Mother isn't even on their radar.
I started emailing them once a month or so to give them little updates as to mom's current doings and such and remind them to call or visit. I DID insist that EVERYONE visit her over Christmas, and all came through.
In reality, they usually go months between phone calls or visits. You cannot control that.
Mother is hard to spend time with--none of us is close to her and she actually will send us away for periods of time ( I am in timeout right now, myself) for "bad" behavior (I tried to clean her apartment).
Long story short, you cannot force, coerce nor guilt someone in to visiting anyone. I do what I can, and let the chips fall where they may. (It used to drive me crazy, but I have let that go. I can't control my sibs.)
I was put in timeout when my mother huffed to me after our huge argument last May that she would never ask me to do anything ever again. Her daily (sometimes several times a day) phone calls ceased for a while.
I loved being in timeout!
The sad truth it, a LOT of people just do NOT do "elderly people" well. Meaning, being around them, interacting with them, is just too much, My own daughter is terrified of aging (today, ironically, is her birthday--amazing how those just keep happening!) She is petrified of aging--age spots, incontinence, the "old person smell"--it all just scares the bejeebies out of her. I don't think she's alone. (There has to be a word that means "fear of elderly people")
As far as parents aging--well, if you are not intimately involved with that process, it can be scary and frightening, esp if dementia is present. Mother's slide is very slow, mostly, then she'll have an "episode" or something and she's worse, the she plateaus out for a while. I see it, as I spend a LOT if time with her. My sister sees her once or twice a year and gets so upset. If she saw her once a month (SAW, not CALLED) she'd actually see the physical changes too. Perhaps that would help her cope.
I've called so many "family councils" I can't even count them. Nobody comes. Nobody cares unless there's something huge. So, try, definitely, but don't expect the MIA sibs to suddenly change.
I also love being in timeout. I usually do stuff for myself I don't have time for, otherwise.
For Valentine's Day this week, NO one called her except for the usual five I mentioned above. So today she says, she hates to be like this, but she doesn't know why they should wind up with a boatload of her money when she passes when they can't even call her. We are talking about a rather significant amount of money. I don't want to be greedy and wind up getting more than my share, but in some way I agree with her. I responded to her by saying that if she felt that strongly, perhaps she should set up a separate trust for those grandkids that I would be administrator of and it would be solely for educational, medical or legitimate expenses related to family needs like housing. I am not sure this is a good idea...I just wish all the grandkids would reach out to her without having to be asked to. She has been an amazing grandmother. They spent the night with my parents; my mom never missed a birthday, graduation, baptism, communion, confirmation, babyshower, wedding shower or wedding and she babysat ALL THE TIME. Now she makes sure she does the same for her greatgrandkids (23). So I am asking, how you all think I should handle this one!
Sorry to hear you feel taken for granted. I know I would feel the same way too. Its a lot to take on. Please try and start a conversation with your brothers. Its better to know where everyone stands. I wish I had done this for my dad. My sibling just assumed I would do it. I was always such a pleaser and doormat in general. I just carried on doing everything and in the end it was a terrible mistake. I have a lot of anger and resentment that I am still working through.
Dear Laralu,
I hear where you are coming from. Its the same in my family. It seems ever since they got my grandmother into the nursing home, everyone is happy to see her twice a year. Seeing her even once a week seems to be too much. I know all my aunts and uncles have busy lives, but seeing my grandmother is not a priority for them. I tried to see her every week, but I became resentful because none of my own siblings or cousins could even be bothered. There are no easy answers. And the Will and money is also becoming an issue. I guess we all continue doing the best we can.
Its never easy to communicate with our siblings.
Your mother's decisions about how to divide her estate must be hers and hers alone. Don't offer an opinion. If she brings it up and asks you what you think, just say "it has to be up to you, mother. Not for me to say."
If she's hurt that her grandchildren pay her no attention, then help with that issue. Call them when you're with her, just for a chat and a catch-up. Send them email reminders when her birthday or significant anniversaries are coming up. If you're in touch with them generally, remind them that she'd love to hear from them.
Different branches of the family are brought up with different attitudes, and the divergence of views can get really quite extreme. My kids, like yours, always were close to my mother and remained so. My brother's two boys... very different story: my angry brother yelled at me down the phone for "piling on guilt" after I'd sent a round robin email to all the kids letting them know their granny would be up in town for a week if they wanted to drop in for a quick visit (the kids themselves were absolutely fine about it, and it was only a friendly suggestion for heaven's sake). And with my sister's children, which to this day I still don't understand, it's as though they think there is something actively weird about being fond of your grandmother. ???!!!
You can't know how or why your nieces and nephews come to have the attitudes they do. It isn't fair to make assumptions about it; and especially when there is a significant estate you're getting into choppy waters if you start allocating legacies based on their perceived warmth towards their grandmother.
I appreciate how you feel it would be nice if they would make the effort unprompted. Yes, it would! But that's just modern life: they won't. Faced with the typical To Do list of today's young adults, See Granny won't even make it on there. You have to create the occasions yourself, and hope informal bonds of affection will grow out of them.
I am having a conference call with my three (out of state) brothers this weekend regarding our mother (90, lives alone). They want her in Assisted Living. I took her to look at a place this week, and she is very negative about it. No one will be able to force her into AL.
Last week my H and I had to rush over to her condo, because she'd had a "panic attack" in her bathroom and couldn't move, so she was gripping onto her rollator for a few hours. Finally she dropped herself to the floor and crawled into her bedroom to get to the phone (her emergency alert button was in the other bathroom...). We had to pick her up off the floor, she was so weak.
I was very disappointed that her new doctor this week will not prescribe meds for anxiety for elders. The dr. asked me if I thought my mother should be living alone, and I told her that I, my H and my 3 brothers were all questioning it now. Then the dr. told me my mother needs "social support." I just looked at her. She said she needs someone checking in on her every day to see what she needs. I refuse to go to my mother's every day to be presented with my slavery tasks for the day.
BUT I will do it for payment. $20/hour (because it's really $15/hour, since the other $5 is coming from my 1/4 share of my inheritance). And I am NOT going over there every day. I have had a lot to do this week for my mother -- several visits to the tax preparer because she didn't wait for all of her 1099s, visit to the doctor, the crisis on-the-floor visit, Mass, and a session to explain her taxes and work through a mailorder meds mixup (the latter not being her fault). Her friend was taking her to weekly Mass, but now that my mother has been admonished by the PT for not using her rollator whenever she leaves the house, I am the Mass taxi because she couldn't possibly impose on her friend (her words) to life the rollator into and out of the car. Today is a coumadin check and a stop at a grocery store. And then there are the multiple phone calls from her. She has no sense of time, and has no idea how much time she takes. Yet she snapped at me when I reminded her that one of my brothers couldn't be bothered to see her and my father for FIVE years. Why do I have to see her and hear from her all the time, and my sainted brothers are showtimed by her and not expected to do much because they are so "busy"? They wouldn't know what's going on with her if I didn't inform them.
My mother will be furious about my requesting compensation. Furious. But perhaps that will cause her to put me in a timeout? In that case it's not so bad!
I'm really getting into a state about this...at the pool this week I was talking about my mother and one woman told me she'd taken her mother into her home. She implied I should do the same and that I would be "blessed." I got very annoyed at her and said, "I lost a child. YOU lose a child, and then tell me why I should take my mother in so I'm blessed. I've put up with enough."
But SO MANY people just accept that it's one child (usually the daughter) who gets dumped on and becomes the daughter-slave. All for "mama." Nope. Not this daughter, and not for this mama. Not unless I'm compensated (beyond a certain level of involvement...not expecting payment for every little thing, just to be clear!).
Take it from me instead: I lived with my mother to the end of her life, and I don't recommend it.