Became father's caregiver when my mother was hospitalized. My mother has been the primary caregiver for my father, who has advanced dementia. She was hospitalized and is in rehabilitation. In the meantime I have been caring for my father. I had an aide come to the house but that became too expensive. My father has his good days but his bad days are scary. I know he has a disease but he can become angry and won't let me change his clothes. He won't let me touch or bathe him and he really needs to get clean. He has refused a bath from the home health aide. It is really becoming a problem. I feel like I am way over my head in caring for him. Is the next step a memory care facility?
Its good of you to step in and try to care for your dad. I know its challenging. Grammyteacher has many good suggestions for your already. From my experience, I would talk to the doctor about your dad's medications. I wonder if the side effects of the meds could be affecting him or maybe he has another undiagnosed medical condition. My father only started refusing showers when he had heart failure and the dementia was escalating. I know its not easy, but I hope you can find an option that works. Thinking of you.
You need to look after yourself first so you can continue look after him, and it isn't acceptable to excuse violent behaviour just because he doesn't know what he is doing. If you can't control his outbursts with the help of his doctor then he may need a facility, or a short stay in a geriatric psych unit to find the optimal medications to help him.
Of course, some elders will say they can manage without any help, many of us have been that position, when reality they can't manage at all.
What does your Mom think about Dad moving into Assisted Living/Memory Care? Can they budget that amount? Cost are in the ballpark of $6k per month, depending on where you live. Now Medicaid [different from Medicare] can step in an help to pay for Dad's care at a Nursing Home.
There is great physical, emotional and monetary stresses that occur when being a caregiver, even overseeing a caretaker(Aide)is burdensome, taking tremendous amounts of time and focused energies.
Know how these burdens will affect your life and that of your family as well. Many caregivers find relationships with friends and loved ones have deteriorated due the burden brought on by becoming a caregiver and or overseer.
All options can be or are expensive, especially when related to memory care. In home care is expensive, yes however so is Memory care in a facility/community. Research your state; go to you state website on Ageing. Find facilities and communities that work for you demographic, then reasearch their care/violation history. No missed steps in safety. Reach out to a Certified Senior Advisor (Certified and insured), one in which zero costs are associated with their consultation; discuss all options that meet your medical, financial and personal needs/requirements.
Once you have your information on all costs associated with a community, then compare with costs of home care, utilities cost of home, taxes etc,. Usually it will be a break even or close.
Then it's either you are steadfast in your resolve to take on this burden or you let trained, skilled professional take over. At that point, only visiting and love is required by you. Good Memories continue to be made and expanded socialization for your loved one begins. Giving them the best possible route in their travel through this unfortunate turn of events.
Not everyone with dementia needs memory care. Some do well in assisted living and others need a nursing home. Memory care (a secure environment) is needed for people who wander, and also people with behavioral problems that would be disruptive to other residents in a regular environment.
Talk to staff at the rehab center - ask if they think mom is able to care for her husband when she returns home. How long is mom going to be in rehab? Is she also going to need home care? I am sure that the rehab facility has resources or access to people who can help you in this transition. Maybe its time for both of them to move to assisted living.