My Mom died 7 years ago. Her last three years on this planet were rough. Dad did everything for her. After her death, Dad continued to live in the house they built together. He hired a cleaning lady to help out and asked friends for favors when he needed help on projects. He was still lonely, so I adopted a cat for him. He adores the cat and she him. After Mom's death, Dad decided to put my sister and my name on the house, checking and savings accounts and investments. This was his choice should anything happen to him, we could take care of him.
In the 7 years since Mom died, my sister and I have taken time off work to be with our Dad in the hospital several times. We have taken him to doctor appointments. We have picked him up to share holiday meals with us. We have interview care givers only to have him fire them the next day. We have done this because he is our father and traveling 2 hours to get to him was just what needed to be done.
About a year ago, things that Dad had given my sister and me, he suddenly wanted back. When we gave these items back, they disappeared. We came to find out he was giving the cleaning lady our Mother's china, cookware and other items. The cleaning lady was also managing his meds and making doctor appointments that required him to travel 3 to 5 hours away for medical treatment that could have been done locally. To top it all off, she was spending the night with him. Of course our Father never told us any of this was happening until after the fact. My sister and I finally drove to Dad's house, at his request, and had a "come to Jesus" meeting with the cleaning lady and her husband. Dad was hoping we could all be friends. The end result of the meeting was I told the cleaning lady to return all "gifts" from Dad. My sister and I never told her she could not continue cleaning Dad's house, but she decided to walk away and hasn't spoken to Dad in 4 months. Dad is very angry about this.
At Thanksgiving, I called and asked Dad when he would like me to pick him up to bring him down for Thanksgiving dinner. He promptly told me he was not coming. He was having Thanksgiving dinner with his cleaning lady and her family. Afterwards when I asked him how his thanksgiving dinner with his cleaning lady was, he said it was fantastic. They played games after dinner and she even made him up several dinner plates to take home with him. Needless to say, I had to bite my tongue since we do the same thing here every year and he never wants to participate in the games and he declines any meals we put together for him to take home.
At Christmas time, he did decide to allow me to pick him up and bring him down to stay for 2 days - no more. Christmas morning, as usual, he gave each grandchild $200 and told them this covered Christmas, birthdays and any other time he was expected to dole out money. He then announced to my sister and I that we were receiving nothing. Our gift was when he bought himself 2 hearing aids. He then became upset when my sister and I gave him a gift. He didn't want it.
In January, I took time off from work on two different occasions to take Dad to the doctor's. His primary physician pulled me aside and asked if Dad was still driving. I replied yes. Dad's physician has repeatedly asked him to stop driving. He refuses. So his physician completed the paper work to have Dad's license medically suspended. Dad immediately called me up screaming, "Why did I do this to him." I explained I had nothing to do with it. He then threatened me by telling me that someday I would pay.
Six months ago, Dad decided to look into an assisted living facility where he lives. My sister and I tried to get him to look down our way, but he refused. We told him we could see him more often, he could see his 4 grandchildren more often - bottom line, he refused even though we have a highly rated assisted tiered living facility 5 miles from mine and my sister's house.
Dad called my sister yesterday and told her she and I needed to come up. When my sister asked why, he said you will find out when you get here. My sister quickly responded by saying, no - what is going on. Dad started screaming at her that we had taken things from the house and we never say thank you and all we want is his money. According to Dad, he has contacted an attorney to re-write his will and remove my sister and I from everything. I'm not sure, with everything being jointly owned, if he can just take us off the house, bank accounts and investments. If he can, then we have a problem because if he ends up in the hospital again, we won't be able to take care of his finances.
Once again, I have no idea why this man is so angry. He doesn't know how old my children are. He doesn't know when anyone's birthday is & he doesn't even know how old I am. It hurts, but I can deal with it. If he goes & changes his finances and will, I'm not sure how I can help any more when he does need me.
She, too, was showing favoritism toward her cleaning lady, which made us very leery until we met her. Although Mom has showered the lady with gifts, the lady has not stolen anything, nor has she taken advantage of Mom otherwise. In fact, when Mom told her she could no longer afford her, the lady still continues to check on her every week. I'm glad this worked out because the cleaning lady has been a great source of information into Mom's world. As long as she stays on good terms with Mom, she is our "ace in the hole" for when Mom gets so angry with us that she won't speak with us.
As for her grandchildren, Mom still knows birthdays and ages, but she never treats them age-appropriately. This is maddening to my brother & I. We've both spoken with her about this, but she insists that the kids are okay with it...when WE KNOW that it is NOT.
I/we don't know how to handle the anger, so we keep our distance (emotionally). Mom has driven everyone out of her life with the anger and attempted "guilt complexes" (which won't work with adults!). Talking with her does not improve the anger or hatefulness. She continues to hurt those closest to her....including her brothers who continue to call/text me looking for help in dealing with her. I'm at wit's end with this.
I'm praying for you.....and your father. We'll all get through this stuff together. I'm so glad I found this site to help me see what everyone else can suggest....thanks....
I'm sure the Atty. will advise that your Dad be evaluated , if he hasn't already to further resolve the concerns.
Best wishes.
I believe that it's a combination of lots of things: loss of physical abilities along with deteriorating memory; a strong person who now needs continual assistance by my family who moved into his home to be the caregivers; changes that keep occurring which he has no control over....
it's embarrassing and maddening to an elderly man who was so dependent before! So he compensates in the only way he feels he can now: by being stubborn, mean, verbally combative, wound up with anxiety to the point of screaming at me (he's generally better with my husband & always sweet to my daughter, his only grandchild).
Maybe the weather has a component in these behavior problems too? I know they definitely can influence my dad's behavior: he gets worse on cloudy days; a string of them together makes him unbearable. Currently we are part of so many in US that are experiencing a blistering heat wave; that has had a very negative effect on him, and remembering our experiences with him last summer, which was hot, hot, hot, hot most of 2 months, bing! I think this has a lot to do with it.
OMG, I always give waaaay too lengthy answers, which I know are difficult to read when you're at the end of your rope (I feel this too so much of the time) so I will end here.
If you and/or your sister have Dad's POA's (activated when he becomes mentally incompetent), then you are legally bound to act in his best interests. I would definitely give a call to the lawyer and clue him in to what is happening and ask for his advice on financial as well as medical administration of your duties in this current situation.
Regarding the cleaning lady and her family - although you mentioned she slept over, I am not sure you implied a romantic relationship, as she does have a husband for whatever that is worth. Due to her proximity and easy interaction with her family, he may have 'displaced' his affections to them, so I would talk to the doctor about that as well. I think it is important that you maintain the upper hand with them in a diplomatic way, and unless you have reason to doubt their sincerity, try to win their friendship as they could be your best allies in keeping you appraised changes in your Dad's condition. I am a little concerned that they took gifts from him and arranged his medical appointments without your knowledge, so it's good that you had that 'come to Jesus' meeting with them. It's important that they recognize they should not make any moves without consulting you first. If they are being underhanded in any way, you can take legal action against them to keep them away from your Dad. Again, your lawyers advice on this would be appropriate.
I do not know if the cleaning lady or her family had larceny in their heart or if they were just being kind to him, but he formed an attachment to her and he felt that she and her family truly cared about him. Unfortunately many unscrupulous individuals will do the very same thing and then take advantage of this unsuspecting individual.
As much as a hate to think it, I am afraid he may have been taken advantage of by this woman and her family. Who knows what kind of "gifts" he has bestowed upon them.
You do need to have your father evaluated immediately by a physician, neurologist, psychiatrist or anyone else you can find. If he is diagnosed as having Dementia or Alzheimer's he can no longer change his will because he is no longer of sound mind. I would also contact his attorney and let him know what was happening so he might be able to head it off at the pass so to speak.
Did you father have a will or Trust drawn up? Do either one of you have POA? If not you may have to seek guardianship.
I can tell you that you can stand there and try to "reason" with your Dad until you are blue in the face and it may get you nowhere! They are not capable of thinking rationally....they may look normal, but they are ill and a good doctor and cognitive testing will show there is a problem.
You need to move quickly on this or your father could wind up losing everything!
My best wishes and prayers to each of you.
Sunny:)