Is anyone dreading the day their loved one passes away, due to awkwardness and confrontations with siblings?
Hello,
It's not a nice topic to talk or even think about, but I guess it's all there in the question, and I'm sure some of you have thought about it.
In my situation I'm dreading it to the max, because on one side I'll be mourning my parent so much, on the other side, I'm not on speaking terms with siblings (see my first question for a background) I know my siblings will make it more about them on the day, wanting to say what they think of me, I could do the same back, but I don't want any of this.
The entire thing is a long history with each of my siblings, it's nothing that's easy to quickly write about, but put simply, they've all treated me terribly in relation to what I have given them over the years. At the time, I had given a lot and treated each one of my siblings with kindness, all without any judgement to them or their family. My judgement now is on how they've treated me in return.
I come from a large family, so I have to contend with each of them and with different gripes with different siblings and I'm dreading it all.
For the last 2/3 years now, I've stopped talking to them and have never wanted to see them, when one or two of them do come to my mom's house, I am in my room until they go.
I envisage, On that day, I will be mourning alone, not wanting to talk to any of my siblings, but I know they will want to provoke arguments, make it more about them, than a day of mourning for a parent.
It feels awful for me to even think about it before this day, but I this reel of things running in my head, where I just want to be silent & mourn, but I don't see it going like that.
On top of this there'll be the fights about possessions, even if the big things are already decided in the Will. There's still be arguments personal possessions, eg: Don't touch that, mom didn't want you have that? type stuff.
Someone on this forum said that they were all alone looking after someone because they were an only child and found it hard not having the help, other people to talk to, yet in my situation, I wish I was an only child, of what's happened in the past with them and because of what I anticipate on this day.
Believe me, I wish it was different and we were large family and every one took their part responsibility, shared looking after mom, and we all got on, but this didn't happen over the years and top of this they've been terrible to me in various ways, while I've been doing the caring for my mom.
So I'm dreading it, has anyone else felt similar feelings, anticipating things like this.
There's nothing you can do is there? It's just a day to face whatever comes and just put it down to one of the worst situations anyone can be in.
Thank you to all that read this one.
ps. When selecting a topic for this one in the drop down list there was nothing about bereavement topics. Plus how do you add tags? so I put it under burnout, sorry, kind of still true.
Love & Peace.
4 Answers
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For another thing, don't fixate on wanting possessions. Do you really want a Hummel collection or a silver teaspoon your parents bought on their honeymoon at Niagara Falls? If you love some of the things, take pictures of them and create an album that you can look at when you like. You can say to your siblings that you don't want any of it. They can squabble as much as they wish among themselves, and you're blessedly gone. If you want, you could tuck her favorite thimble in your own sewing kit today, and no one will be the wiser.
In other words, plan ahead for the inevitable in a way that spares you. Think about it as a welcome event that will help you stay out of your siblings' lives forever after.
So you see, there is something you can do. It might be unconventional, but why care? You owe nothing to your unkind siblings, and you can set your own rules for mourning. You don't have to explain it, justify it, or feel guilt. You're you. Not them.
We were going to sell my mother's home and put the new home in my name, these were my mother's wishes not mine, but I am helping looking for another home. I think mom was also thinking ahead too to spare me from all this; who gets what business.
I like your suggestions about making the funeral more private, keeping private, although, that alone would give my siblings yet another reason get at me, but I do understand what you are saying about preparing now.
I do look forward to the day pure freedom, not from my mom of course, but from my siblings and their attitude to me and there lack of support for my mom during her hardest years.
Personally I agree with you, I'm more likely to keep photo's than other things, unless it was given to me directly for a birthday from my parents. The memories are mostly what matter to me, even without the pictures. My mom keeps the family photo album from when we were all growing up, so some of those pictures would be good for me to keep, although I don't necessary want the one's from when we are all in the same photo and much younger, because the present has tarnished the past.
I hope I have the courage to come back one day and post an update about this, it might be some years after but I hope too.
Your closing paragraph is so true, you made me see it differently.
Thank you for the advice and for being so supportive Fawnby
Then there comes...do you really care? When the time comes, if ur Executor, you can put Moms estate in a Lawyers hands. Let him take the Executors % of the estate. Then when the siblings start, give them the lawyers phone#. You know, "Speak to my Lawyer" thing.
Like said, you can have a private viewing to say goodbye and know in your heart that you did everything u could for Mom. Then walk out the back door and not have to see the siblings ever again.
I wish I could change the locks, but my mom, would be furious, because then I would upset her, she currently see me as the person closest to her. She although I have these feelings about my siblings she still loves them and wants to see them, if I did anything to disrupt this, she would not be happy, because she still says what goes in the house, and understands. I would not get any good points for changing the locks, however in the future this can certainly be an option after probate.
I don't really care about the things unless she personally wants me to have something sentimental, but because I've lived with my mom for a long time, fold her clothes, put them away, wash them, hang them to dry, put them in the dryer, cooked with her, know her utensils, just everything would feel like they are touching things that she wanted no one to touch, especially as things are raw, it would feel like people coming off the street and going through my mom's things, plus I don't get on with my siblings. The siblings feel like they have right to everything about the house, especially some of them.
One of my brothers has intentionally kept this personal things at mom's house to counter me saying "this is not her house". He's been married for over 20years and is still sending his mail to mom's house, even tho he lives 5mins down the road, totally ridiculous, when asking him why, he kicked came over shouting and swearing in front of my mom, enough to called harassment and become a police matter, on top of this he also broke covid19 lockdown rules to come over and make a point, know he was doing the wrong thing to begin with. Even now he's only redirected the mail to his own house and not actually changed the address with the companies sending mail.
Plus there's other similar crap with other siblings for other reasons.
Thank you JoAnn29, for your supportive answer.
If you are not, in your shoes, I wouldn't be doing the caregiving.
Are you being paid?
My one sister has canceled my daughter. My daughter lives 3000 miles away from my grudge holding sister and I’m just not sure what it is my kid even did that she wrote her out of her life. It’s been six years now she’s been at this. I told my daughter she does not have to come to either of her grandparents funerals on my account. I don’t need the drama. I will probably go to the first funeral out of respect for my surviving parent, In all honesty we are no longer a family. We are just marking time until my parents are gone so we all can be done with each other.
Sorry to hear about your predicament too. I agree with you they are just people too, people take for granted that they will be much more special, better, kinder, and loving. Unfortunately and sadly not for every family.
It will be a huge weight off to be free of my siblings in the future. A type of freeness that I haven't felt in a very long time, one day tho..I might be much older, might have more health conditions myself, but one day................
Thank you for your supportive answer.
Love & Peace.