Is increased arguing correlated to increase dementia?
Hello,
My mom is arguing a lot more even with me, getting more snappy than ever, about petty things. She complains more about me when someone else is around. It normally starts with some spark, like I'm ordering things from the Internet too much, then out of the blue goes into why I'm telling her I do all the caring and none of the other siblings help, which is a fact btw.
She interprets telling her how useless I think my other siblings are as me having an argument with her. Even if that conversation happened weeks ago and has not come up all that time, she brings it back and tells someone else; that I should be just doing the caring without any recognition and talk about doing it. The majority of the time it has been that way, but there have been times when I've said I'm not your only sibling, but I'm going all the hard work, then I elaborate into why each one of them has not done anything for her care.
That's the reason I joined this forum I guess, moral support, sometimes keeping my sanity support.
Her being grateful is a very rare these days, not like in the past. I'm doing the caring, but still being treated like a kid, and still get the nagging.
My mom doesn't wear a hearing aid, all the time, and refuses to wear it all the time, I've heard it alot on this forum, still don't know why this is common when people age; this alone would help stop many arguments. Arguments spark off with just one mis-heard word, instead of focusing on the interesting thing I was talking to her about. I'd love to be able tell my mom about the news and interesting things happening in the world, but many times they end up as ararguments or being cut short, for instance; what does it matter to us for.
The missing items talk has increased and I'm always throwing stuff out even if I hadn't, or I'm moving things.
I've never felt like this before with my mom before, but increasing there are times when I have to think should I even talk to her about something in case she shouts or starts to argue and most of the time they are basic things like shall I make coffee or do some chore for her.
She has health conditions arthritis of knees and heart value issues, which could be part of her fustration due to the lack of being able to do less and being becoming less independent.
She remembers a lot from the past still and even recall many short term events, there some changes in the very short term events like in minutes and hours.
Is there a saying that people are angrier with the ones closest to them, is it arguing more about the fustration of being able to do less and will increasing be completely dependent on others and taking out on close ones or is it early stages of dementia? Maybe a combination of both.
I know many will point into doing tests with the doctor. We have gossiping doctor surgery, and want to try and avoid others knowing. I personally believe that oath doctors take doesn't hold up anymore and nothing remains private anymore.
Are there any home tests for dementia?
Thanks you.
Do you not understand that they are her CHILDREN?
It takes TWO TO ARGUE and you are one of them, and you are the one with a whole brain.
You also don't seem to understand that one of the hallmarks of dementia is believing that misplaced or gone things have been "stolen".
If you are the one doing caregiving you can forget about/let loose of "grateful" at once. YOU just volunteered to be the most unpopular person in her planet. The daughter goes from being a loving daughter to a caregiver. The caregiver is the jailer, the one who sets the laws, the one with demands "You aren't clean enough, you need a shower, you need to eat, did you take your pills" and I could go on for hours. You will not be liked. You will not be thanked. You will be fought. You represent but one more loss in many losses.
Sadly, I think that your note to us reflects a definite lack of education about dementia. I recommend starting with Teepa Snow videos (many on youtube) where you will see actual interactions.
There is no shame in saying that caregiving 24/7 in home may not be for you. It surely wouldn't be for me! And I learned my limitations early on as a nurse. Easy enough to do three days a week with 5 weeks vacation, fabulous pay and benefits, 12 sick days and 12 holidays. In fact, a delight. But 25/7. Nope. Not for me. And may not be for you either.
Start with ways to educate yourself about the particular dementia you are dealing with. Alz.org has great info.
Then make honest decisions for the future.
And arguing? That's off your place now and forever. YOU are now the responsible one. SHE IS NOT.
what I’m doing with my MIL and the hearing loss is that I am refusing to repeat things for her. It’s her issue and she won’t deal with it, so I’m not changing and doing this drama filled conversation with her hearing loss as the centerpiece. She either goes and gets tested or she doesn’t. I’m opting out on this game.
and don’t JADE: justify argue defend explain
To me it sounds like this is more of a hearing problem than a dementia problem, and I would insist that your mom wears her hearing aids all the time or I just wouldn't interact with her until she does.
And you are correct in saying that our loved ones do take out their frustrations on those closest to them so...tag, your it!
It also sounds like you're instigating a lot of the arguments and issues by throwing in her face all the good that you do compared to your siblings and then "elaborate into why each one of them has not done anything for her care."
I mean what do you expect her response to be with you when you talk junk about her other children?
I'm not sure why you're living with your mom, but it sounds like you just need a break. Plan a 2 week vacation to one of your favorite places and mom can either go into respite while you're away or perhaps one of your siblings will step up to look after her.
And if after your wonderful vacation your moms care is still just too much for you perhaps it best that you look into moving out and giving mom the option of moving to assisted living or hiring in-home help on her dime.
Either way you'll be off the hook and get your life back and get back to just being moms advocate and not her burned out caregiver.
She was also extremely combative, which I think may have been an attempt to control and direct all conversations. She would steer away from anything she didn’t understand, or start such an ugly fight that we’d walk away.
I'm glad I got hearing aids when I did, and I wear them conscientiously all waking hours. I can't imagine how I got along without them now. I was told recently that I need an upgrade since my hearing has declined further (along with almost everything else about my body). The only thing standing between me and getting the upgrade is the cost, which is several thousand $$$! Once I catch up after paying our ASTRONOMICAL long-term care insurance premiums, I'll start saving for new hearing aids. Vanity has left the building!
I am guilty of putting off getting bifocals or progressive lenses. I wear one pair for being outside, and another, with reduced distance correction, for reading, sewing and detailed repairs.