Good morning,
I'll try to keep this question short. I've been helping with dad, he's sick with Cancer. I don't have a lot of help. But what really bothers me is my spouse doesn't help at all. Also he is an assistant pastor. What he did was a slap in the face to me! He hasn't been to dad's house with me to pray or anything. All he did was type up some healing scriptures and said here, give this to your dad. Really??!! So you can't take the time to go to his home and pray with him. Utter crap! I swear I am so angry that I want him totally away from me before I snap! Not to mention the silly things he pulls with my son. He picks on him for no reason which leads to added stress. I'm just sick of him! Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Does he resent your son too? How old is your son? I'd wonder if he is not happy with something in your family and is acting this way. I'd be livid if my husband treated my son or father rudely. But, try to stay calm. Getting out of sorts rarely helps and often interferes with resolving conflict. Maybe, a marriage counselor could help. Sometimes, telling someone that you are hurt by their actions and expect more from them helps. Other times, it makes them defensive. I'm no expert, but, I hope you can find some help.
Maybe there is some resentment. For a person who works, has a home and family and then does for Dad, I can see where husband may feel he is the 3rd wheel in this marriage.
He is an assistant pastor? Are you expected to be involved in Church stuff and can't do it because of the time you put in with Dad? Sit down and look at it from your husbands view. He eventually wants a Church of his own. To do that he needs his wife there. Looks good when the wife is supportive and involved. This really is a team effort. Something has to give and its your Dad. I can't find where u mentioned Dads age. But I am assuming ur in your early 30s so he is in his 60s? He is not old and should be doing for himself.
Take a deep breath. Maybe its time for a sit down with DH. No kids. Find someone to take them. Tell your husband that you need his help. Not to continue to do for Dad, but to find a way to get ur siblings involved so you can back out. Because, you are spreading yourself too thin. Your health is now a problem and you see it effecting your marriage. You want to get back to just your family unit and working towards your future. But you need his help in working it out. ( how he treats ur son is for another conversation)
I can see where u need to work, Assist Pastors don't make much. Some Ministers are trained in counseling. Maybe you can get help thru his boss or he can point u in the right direction.
Yes, u have a right to be mad but at this point, you may want to put that aside because I think there is a bigger picture here and you need to deal with that first. If not, there may be no returning.
Have you contacted a local Gilda's Club to see if there are any prayer groups there?
1. You can't and won't do this alone anymore.
2. That you need HELP in the following ways: A, B, C, D. Men must be told exactly what you need; they don't know & they're not mind readers.
Then look into hiring outside help using your father's money, of course, for a few days a week that you would normally go over there. Let yourself off the hook a bit. You are overwhelmed with too much on your plate and you have high blood pressure to boot, so that's your body's way of telling you something needs to CHANGE!
You can be irritated at your husband all you'd like. But the fact is, you need to DO something to CHANGE the situation you're in right now. Nobody will do it FOR you. YOU need to make the decision that you are not SuperWoman anymore and need help. Plus, you need to speak your mind to those family members who can help you out here, and let them know what you need and when you need it.
Then step back and let go some. You can't fix this for your dad.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
Having low expectations may save your sanity. BUT--since this is YOUR father and not his, he probably feels out of the loop.
TELL him you need help--and be prepared for him to tell you that he 'can't'. My Dh went 'through' cancer with me and was unable to do anything to help me. He was absolutely frozen at the thought of actually having to DO something, like make meal or do the dishes. It was utterly disheartening, but by month 3, I realized he simply 'couldn't' help me, wasn't going to suddenly step up and be helpful and supportive---so I quit expecting and created a 'support group' of a few family members who could be there for me, and a few neighbors.
Good luck as you go forth. Try not to dwell on what DH cannot do and take care of yourself and dad and hopefully you can come out the other end with having learned some of life's harder lessons.
I ask these questions because I need to know in this if you and your husband are having problems that have little to do with your father, or if your husband doesn't like your father.
The next question would be, would your father be made more happy and comfortable by visits from your husband? Does your father like and enjoy him? Is your father a believer in prayer? I am not and wouldn't want anyone doing it over me. Does your Dad ask "Where's Ned and why doesn't he visit with me?" Does your father have his own minister and would his own minister come to pray with the two of you?
Something is missing here, and I can't imagine what it might be. The behavior sounds childish and spoiled just taken on its face, as though hubby is jealous of attention you are giving a dying man. And certainly that doesn't sound "very Christian" so I am trying to see what else might be up for you here to take into consideration.
In the end you are currently in a state of confusion, and you are already doing anticipatory grieving. I think YOU are the one who needs hubby and feels abandoned by him. Perhaps you could speak and pray about that? In the end, if your hubby has no input to help you comb through just what is happening, consider moving in with Dad. Be gentle and loving. Tell hubby that Dad is dying, and he needs you. That you are sorry but cannot chop yourself up in Solomon type pieces and dole yourself out, so you will be staying with Dad, and would love him to come over with a bucket of fried chicken and a bottle of wine when he is able to break from his own duties.
I wish you so much luck. It is sometimes easier in all this to be MAD rather than hurt. It is so painful. I hope you will update us and I wish you and your dad good luck and good peace.